Yes, it’s true. For five years of my adult life I worked in the “adult entertainment” industry. Over those five years I’ve been asked thousands of questions related to the porn industry by friends, family and complete strangers. The main question I’ve been asked over the years is how I got started.

My journey into the world of porn is a long and strange one. I grew up in a small town literally in the middle of fucking nowhere. A town so remote that with a population of 13,000 it was the biggest city in a 600 mile radius. Ask anyone who lived there and they’ll tell you that there’s nothing to do there. The city boasted one movie theater which would show a feature full length movie every week, usually a movie that was already out on DVD and VHS so there was no point in even going, one bowling alley (they’ve since upgraded to two), a public library and… that’s about it. The only real form of entertainment in the city was at the bars, and it wasn’t because the bars were any fun, it was simply because the bars served alcohol where you could drown out your memories of living in that shithole and for a few hours be drunk enough that you didn’t care you’d still be there when you woke up the next morning.

It was a bleak and depressing city to live in. There wasn’t even a good ratio of good looking girls. For every decent looking girl there were twenty chicks who looked like they may have been good looking at one time but decided to climb The Ugly Tree and almost got to the top but were too fat for their weight to be supported and fell crashing into every branch, face first, on their way down. Slim pickings, indeed.

It was during my grade school years that I realized I like boobs. I remember being 6, flipping through the lingerie section of the Sears catalog and developed my first boner. Hopefully no pedophiles are reading this, because I assure you I am much bigger and hairier now than I was back then, so hopefully that ruins your mental rape of my virginal ass (still virginal at 31 and counting!).

By the time I got into high school I’d moved up to Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler and Swank and had amassed a sizable collection. By the time I was in grade 9 I was jerking off at a twelfth grade level and had forearms so massive I wondered if my dad wasn’t my real dad and if it was possible my mother had an affair with Popeye. Thankfully that wasn’t the case as I’m now confident that I was the product of immaculate conception and that my mother is so pure every time she farts the sound of angels singing in a choir emanates from her backside.

As I reached grade eleven I was able to obtain porno movies thanks to my full beard and the stupidity of clerks working at the local corner store. Watching the first tape for the first time was a magical moment, I remember it clearly; the parents were out of town, I was home alone, I had a bottle of Whiskey, a boner and a copy of 1993’s The Darker Side Of Shayla. I don’t remember much about that weekend, all I do remember is waking up the next morning with a wicked hangover, a cock so raw when I first looked down I thought I must have fought a grizzly bear in my drunken stupor and used my cock as a knife and lost. In that moment, laying there, with a pounding headache and a palm covered in callouses I realized I was going to become an addict, and once the internet arrived a few years later, there was no turning back.

Over the next six or seven years I watched a lot of porn. A lot. I was jerking off so much I think I single handedly kept the makers of Vaseline in business. Eventually I grew tired of living in a shitty town in the middle of buttfuck nowhere with no decent job prospects and very few women who were at least fuckable when I was drunk, blindfolded and suffering from blunt force trauma to the head so I moved out for the last time to Vancouver, British Columbia.

It took me longer than I expected to find work in Vancouver. The jobs I had in the shit town I grew up in were awful so my first job wasn’t exactly a dream job and didn’t last very long. After a few months barely scraping by I spoke to an old friend who worked for a porn company. He knew I was on the verge of having to move back home when he suggested I apply for the company he was just about to quit; a porn company in the heart of the city.

I thought about this for about… 8 seconds before deciding I was going to take a chance to work in porn. The only problem I faced was I had no experience. I’d spent years building websites for all kinds of death metal bands and record labels, but I’d never built anything for the sole purpose of making someone want to pay to jerk off, which is what I’d have to do if I wanted to be working as a web/graphic designer for a porn company.

Since I’m pretty fucked in the head, I decided that I would make a sample site for them using images I found online. I could have picked photos of glamor models, smoking hot porn stars with huge tits and hot asses, but instead I chose pictures of a male midget wearing construction helmet fucking some average looking broad. I made about eight different variations and sent it off to the president of the company. I don’t know if my work was that good or if he just figured that anyone as fucked up as I was would be able to handle working in the industry, but he hired me and began my career in the world of porn and the complete ruination of my life.

Everyone I’ve worked with in porn behind the scenes have had the same answer as me when asked how they got into the industry; through a friend. I actually don’t know of anyone who just applied to a porn company out of the blue and got a job without having an “in” with someone who worked there already.

I’ll get into further detail about the weird stories I have from working in the smut biz as long as I did at another time. In the span of five years I worked full time for two companies and did contract work for two others and have seen things which cannot be unseen no matter how often I pour bleach straight into my eyes. I will continue to share my pain, wisdom and advice to those of you who wish to continue reading. For those of you who don’t, I’d just like to add that my cock is built like a billy club, it’s long and soft but if I hit you in the face with it I will knock you out and leave you with a nasty cock welt on your forehead. I’m not saying I would, I’m just saying I could. Ladies, seriously… call me.

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