For those of you who weren’t already aware, my day job is a graphic and web designer & developer and on June 21st, 2010 I officially launched my digital portfolio website, Crooked Designs ( http://www.crookeddesigns.com/ )

I offer a ton of different services, from designing t-shirts, to MySpace pages, to full blown eStores, WordPress themes, PSD to XHTML/CSS conversion, and a bunch of other useful junk.  If it can be printed or put online, chances are I’ve done it and will do it again, so if you’re looking to get a website, album cover, t-shirt or whatever else done, hit me up!

Now that that project is done and out of the way, I’m going to be focusing more time and effort on the Teufel’s Tomb rebuild this summer.  No promises as to when it will be completed, but when it is, it’ll be fuckin’ awesome and regular updates will commence at that time.

Although there hasn’t been a lot of progress with the website in terms of updates and reviews, there’s been a lot of work going on behind the scenes to build the site back up to the level it once was and to ensure regular updates will be made on the site moving forward.

The first, and most immediate improvement, will be hosting.  Effective this weekend, Teufel’s Tomb will be hosted by DreamHost thanks to Leon of Murder Construct/Impaled/Exhumed/Phobia/Intronaut/etc.  With a better server the stability issues and downtime we’ve encountered over the past few months should be a thing of the past!

Secondly, an updated/re-designed version of the site is in progress.  I’m once again teaming up with  Sven of Avernus Studios (and Aborted) for the re-design.  Sven will be handling the artwork, which will free me up to focus on the website design and development.  Expect drastic improvements in all areas of the site, both visually and performance-wise.

As far as the content is concerned, I’m ditching a few sections I never fully fleshed out (Featured Artists, MP3s) but will be adding a new mini-review format which will allow me to write up quick reviews when I don’t have time to write up long, in depth ones.  Instead of 7 paragraph reviews they’ll be zine-style paragraphs.  What this means is… more reviews.

Unfortunately, I’ve also decided to shut down the forums permanently.  No one uses them enough for it to be worthwhile to keep using them, so I’m doing away with them.  Anyone wanting to get ahold of me can do it through the comments on the website, on Facebook or on the Reeelapse forums where I’m usually doing my best to get stalked and murdered in my sleep.

On a belated note, Teufel’s Tomb turned 14 in February proving that I have absolutely no life.  At least girls let me touch their boobs, which is more than I can say for you.

Finally, I’ll be launching my personal portfolio site within the week.  I’m a graphic/web designer/developer by trade, so it’s about time I put my work in one location.  I’ve done everything from business cards to logos to CD booklets to t-shirt designs to web sites to MySpace pages to restaurant menus.  I won’t be posting everything I’ve ever done, but enough to give you a good idea of what to expect should you be looking for someone to design something for you.

Just to clarify, the CDs are being shipped without the jewel case to cut down on cost, but all albums include the traycard, compact disc and booklet. I just discarded the jewel cases when I bought them because they took up way too much space. If you’d like a jewel case for whatever CDs you want to purchase, you’ll just have to pay extra for shipping.

Effective February 16th, due to shipping costs I will no longer be offering free shipping for any orders. Sorry.

Effective March 18th, items will no longer be held. If you do not have the money to buy something right now, do not ask for it. Thanks!

Notice:
The Olympics are going on in Vancouver right now (where I live). Due to the increase in outgoing international mail (the Olympic visitors sending postcards, souvenirs, pipe bombs, hacked up hookers, etc) there are processing delays since it all has to clear customs before it can leave the country. Instead of 8-12 business days for delivery to the US, expect 2-4 weeks for delivery. Instead of 2-6 weeks for international, expect 4-8 weeks and for Canada instead of 3-5 days, expect 7-10. The first batch of orders went out on the 13th, the next on the 20th and I’m shipping out more again on Saturday.

If you want to know when your stuff shipped, send me an e-mail and I’ll send you the info so you’ll have a better idea of when to expect it. Thanks!

Red = Teufel Recommends

CD (Rare)
Assuck “Misery Index” (Sound Pollution Records)
Beheaded “Perpetual Mockery” (X-Treme Records)
Catasexual Urge Motivation “The Encyclopedia Of Serial Murders” (Razorback Records)
Circle Of Dead Children “Starving The Vultures” (Willowtip Records)
Circle Of Dead Children “The Genocide Machine” (Deathvomit Records)
Devourment “1.3.8.” (Corpsegristle Records)
Devourment “Molesting The Decapitated” (United Guttural)
Disgorge (USA) “Cranial Impalement” (Extremities Productions)
Eternal Suffering “Drowning In Tragedy” (Extremities Productions)
Fear Factory “Dog Day Sunrise (single)” (Roadrunner Records)
Immolation “Dawn Of Possession (original)” (Roadrunner Records)
Impaled “The Dead Shall Dead Remain” (Sealed) (Deathvomit Records) *new*
Prophecy “Foretold…Foreseeen” (Corpsegristle Records)
Prophecy “It Shall Come To Pass” (TXDM Underground)
Rollins Band “Audio Airstrike Consultants 1986-1988 (4xCD boxset)” (Snapper Music)
Scattered Remnants “Procreating Mass Carnage” (Self-Released)
Sepultura “Roots Of Sepultura (2xCD)” (Roadrunner Records)
Suffocation “Breeding The Spawn” (Roadrunner Records)
Suffocation “Despise The Sun” (Vulture Records)
Various “At Death’s Door – A Collection Of Brutal Death Metal” (Roadrunner Records)

CD (New)
Deeds Of Flesh “Trading Pieces” (Unique Leader Records) *sealed*
Intense Hammer Rage “Avagoyamugs” (Razorback Records)
Rotten Sound “Still Psycho” (Deathvomit Records) *sealed*
Slayer “Undisputed Attitude” (American Recordings) *sealed*
Type O Negative “October Rust (sealed)” (Roadrunner Records) *sealed*

CD (Used)
Abhorrence/Ophiolatry/Nephasth/Mental Horror “Brazilian Assault” (Relapse Records)
Abrahel “Abrahel” (Voliac Records)
Absence Of The Sacred “Era Of The Apostate” (Vrykoblast Productions)
Abysmal Torment “Incised Wound Suicide” (Brutal Bands)
Aetherius Obscuritas “Vizilio (Visions)” (Paragon Records)
Agenda Of Swine “Waves Of Human Suffering” (Relapse Records)
Aghory “Ruptura” (Humanos Mortos Productions)
Ahumado Granujo “Chemical Holocaust” (Khaaranus Productions)
Alienation Mental “Four Years… Time Full Of Brutality” (Burning Dogma Records)
Altar Of Giallo “Grind Musick For Giallo Maniacs” (Embrace My Funeral Records)
Amon Amarth “The Crusher” (Metal Blade Records)
Anasarca “Moribund” (Mighty Music)
Another Kind Of Death “Sleepless Every Night” (Underhill Records)
Bane “Vehemence: The Cathartic Remnants Of Chaos, Virtue And Time” (Self-Released)
Bathtub Shitter “Wall Of World Is Words” (Power It Up Records)
Be’lakor “The Frail Tide” (Self Released)
Bile “Camp Blood” (No Escape Records)
Biohazard “Biohazard” (Maze Records)
Biohazard “State Of The World Address” (Warner Music Group)
Biohazard “Urban Discipline (original)” (Roadrunner Records)
Black Dawn “Blood For Satan” (Necropolis Records)
Body Count “Body Count” (Sire Records)
Body Count “Born Dead” (Virgin Records)
Body Count “Violent Demise – The Last Days” (Virgin Records)
Bowel Fetus “Death Womb Discharge” (Prolapse Records)
Brutal Truth “Extreme Conditions Demand Extreme Responses” (Earache Records)
Brutal Truth “Need To Control” (Earache Records)
Buried In Effigy “Buried In Effigy” (Self-Released)
Cannibal Corpse “Butchered At Birth (censored cover)” (Metal Blade Records)
Cannibal Corpse “Gore Obsessed” (Metal Blade Records)
Cannibal Corpse “Tomb Of The Mutilated” (Metal Blade Records)
Cannibal Corpse/Monstrosity/Malevolent Creation “Demos (bootleg)”
Capharnaum “Fractured” (Willowtip Records)
Carcass “Necroticism-Descanting the Insalubrious” (Earache Records)
Carcass “Wake Up And Smell The Carcass” (Earache Records)
Cephalic Carnage “Anomalies” (Relapse Records)
Cephalic Carnage “Conforming To Abnormality (bootleg)” (Subordinate Productions)
Cephalic Carnage/Anal Blast “Split” (Nightfall/Terrorizer Records)
Charnel Valley “The Dark Archives” (Paragon Records)
Cliteater/Suppository “Split” (No Escape Records)
Commit Suicide “Human Larvae [Earthly Cleansing]” (Willowtip Records)
Commit Suicide “Synthetics” (Willowtip Records)
Corpus Mortale “Succumb To The Superior” (Self-Released)
Crisis “Deathshead Extermination” (Metal Blade Records)
Crisis “Like Sheep Led To Slaughter”(The End Records)
Crisis “The Hollowing” (Metal Blade Records)
Crowpath “One With Filth” (Willowtip Records)
Crypticus “Dedicated To The Impure” (Razorback Records)
Cryptopsy “And Then You’ll Beg” (Century Media)
Daemusinem “Diabolical Carnage” (Vrykoblast Productions)
Damaged “Purified In Pain” (Rotten Records)
Danzig “4P (digipak)” (American Recordings)
Danzig “5 – Blackacidevil” (Hollywood Records)
Danzig “Lucifuge” (American Recordings)
Danzig “Thrall-Demonsweatlive” (American Recordings)
Darkmoon “.308 Antichrist” (Tribunal Records)
Darkmoon “Vengeance For Withered Hearts” (Scorn Music)
Darsombra “Ecdysis” (At A Loss Records)
Dead Infection “The Lethal Collection” (Obscene Productions)
Deaden “Hymns Of The Sick” (United Guttural Records)
Decapitated/Yattering/Lost Soul/Damnable “Polish Assault” (Relapse Records)
Deeds Of Flesh “Inbreeding The Anthropophagi” (Unique Leader Records)
Dehumanized “Prophecies Foretold” (Pathos Productions)
Deicide “Amon: Feasting The Beast” (Roadrunner Records)
Descendents “Cool To Be You” (Fat Wreck Chords)
Descendents “Liveage!” (SST Records)
Die Pigeon Die “Ripped From V To A” (No Escape Records)
Dies Irae “Immolated” (Metal Blade Records)
Dissection “Storm Of The Light’s Bane (original)” (Nuclear Blast Records)
Divine Pustulence “Tortured, Raped And Sacrificed To Satan” (Vrykoblast Productions)
Domination Through Impurity “Essence Of Brutality” (Comatose Music)
Ebolie “Elevation Into Disintegration” (Grindhead Records)
Embalmer “13 Faces Of Death” (Pathos Productions)
Embalming Theatre “Hormones From The Dead” (No Escape Records)
Embalming Theatre “The World Is A Stage… For Murder” (No Escape Records)
Embalming Theatre/Hacksaw Surgery “Split” (Grindhead Records)
Ember “Concession” (Shadow Play Records)
Engorged “Engorged (promo)” (Deathvomit Records)
Exitium “Outsourcing Morality” (Deepsend Records)
Extreme Noise Terror “Damage 381″ (Earache Records)
Eyetofuk/Putrid Whore “Drufuked And Pornified” (Grindhead Records)
Fear Factory “Fear Is The Mindkiller” (Roadrunner Records)
Fear Factory “Obsolete (digipak)” (Roadrunner Records)
Filter “Short Bus” (Reprise Records)
Formless Terror/Genocide/Infected Flesh/Stillbirth “Supreme Brutality Legions” (Vrykoblast Productions)
Frightmare “Midnight Murder Mania” (Razorback Records)
Ghoul “We Came For The Dead” (Razorback Records)
Goatsblood “Drull” (Willowtip Records)
God Dethroned “Ravenous” (Metal Blade Records)
Goreaphobia “Vile Beast Of Abomination” (Necroharmonic Productions)
Goretorture “Promised To Kill You Last…I Lied” (Pyrolagnia Records)
Gorgasm “Bleeding Profusely” (Extremities Productions)
Gruesome Stuff Relish “Horror Rises From The Tomb” (No Escape Records)
Gruesome Stuff Relish “Horror Rises From The Tomb” (Razorback Records)
Gruesome Stuff Relish “Teenage Giallo Grind” (No Escape Records)
Gruesome Stuff Relish “Teenage Giallo Grind” (Razorback Records)
Gwar “Beyond Hell (digipak)” (Metal Blade Records)
Horrificia/Raped Bitch “Split” (Humanos Mortos Productions)
Hymen Holocaust “Hymen Holocaust” (No Escape Records)
Ice Kills Nine “The Burning” (Red Blue Records)
Ignitor “Road Of Bones” (Cruz Del Sur Music)
Immolation “Unholy Cult” (Olympic Recordings)
Imperial Foeticide/Negligent Collateral Collapse/Contrastic/Intervalle Bizarre/Fleshless “Czech Assault” (Relapse Records)
Imprint “A.R.T.” (Self-Released)
In Aeternam “Past And Present Sins” (Necropolis Records)
Intestinal Disgorge “Vagina” (Humanos Mortos Productions)
Kill The Client “Cleptocracy” (Willowtip Records)
Let The Night Roar “Let The Night Roar” (Tualatin Records)
Limb From Limb “Rip Him From His Fucking Throne” (Obsidian Records)
Lord Gore “The Autophagus Orgy” (Razorback Records)
Machine Head “Burn My Eyes” (Roadrunner Records)
Mandatory (Ger) “Curse Of The Undead (demo)” (Self Released)
Maruta “In Narcosis” (Willowtip Records)
Maximum Perversion/Ebolie “Fuck Ya Ears And Drink Ya Beers” (Grindhead Records)
Meatyard/Maggots “Split” (No Escape Records)
Megadeth “Countdown To Extinction” (Capitol Records)
Megadeth “Rust In Peace” (Capitol Records)
Megadeth “So Far, So Good, So What?” (Capitol Records)
Melvins “Houdini” (Atlantic Records)
Metallica “Ride The Lightning” (Elektra Records)
Misery “On Demon Wings” (Obsidian Records)
Misery Index/Commit Suicide “Split” (Willowtip Records)
Monster Voodoo Machine “Defense Mechanism” (BMG Records)
Monster Voodoo Machine “Direct Reaction Now!” (Dr. Dream Records)
Monster Voodoo Machine “State Voodoo/State Control” (BMG Records)
Monster Voodoo Machine “Suffersystem” (BMG Records)
Monty Python “The Final Ripoff (2xCD)” (Charisma Records)
Mystic Grave “Doom. Death. Darkness.” (Self-Released)
Nafrat “Through Imminent Visions” (Vrykoblast Productions)
Nailbomb “Point Blank” (Roadrunner Records)
Nailbomb “Proud To Commit Commercial Suicide” (Roadrunner Records)
Napalm Death “Breed To Breathe” (Earache Records)
Napalm Death “Death By Manipulation” (Earache Records)
Napalm Death “Greed Killing” (Earache Records)
Napalm Death “Harmony Corruption” (Earache Records)
Napalm Death “Inside The Torn Apart” (Earache Records)
Napalm Death “Words From The Exit Wound” (Earache Records)
Napalm Death/Coalesce “In Tongues We Speak” (Earache Records)
Nasum “Human 2.0″ (Relapse Records)
Neath “The Spiders Sleep” (Obsidian Records)
Necrophagist “Onset Of Putrefaction” (Willowtip Records)
Necrotic Disgorgement “Suffocated In Shrinkwrap” (Comatose Music)
Necrowitch “Into The Temples Of Nar Matarru” (Apocalyptic Armegeddon Records)
Negligent Collateral Collapse “Paranormal Nanodivision” (Obscene Productions)
Nine Inch Nails “Further Down The Spiral” (Nothing Records)
Nokturnel “Fury Unleashed” (Nokturnel Eclipse)
Oxidised Razor “Sangre” (Obliteration Records)
Oxidised Razor/C.A.R.N.E. “Split” (Diablos Records)
Pantera “Vulgar Display Of Power” (Warner Music)
Pentagoria “…And The Sky Bled Gore” (Five Pillar Productions)
Pesta Porcina “Tots Trempant!!!!” (Voliac Records)
Phobia “22 Counts Of Battery” (Willowtip Records)
Primus “Pork Soda” (Interscope Records)
Primus “Tales From The Punchbowl” (Interscope Records)
Prong “Cleansing” (Sony Music)
Prostitute Disfigurement “Descendents Of Depravity” (Neurotic Records)
Pulkas “Greed” (Earache Records)
Putrescence “Dawn Of The Necrofecalizer” (No Escape Records)
Putrescence “Mangled, Hollowed Out And Vomit Filled” (No Escape Records)
Putrescence “Sledgehammer Holocaust” (No Escape Records)
Rage Against The Machine “Evil Empire” (Epic Records)
Rage Against The Machine “Rage Against The Machine” (Epic Records)
Roadside Burial & Exhibit A “Split” (Grindhead Records)
Rookwood “You Worship Shit” (Obsidian Records)
Rotten Sound “Murderworks” (Deathvomit Records)
Sadis Euphoria “Insinct|Obsession” (Willowtip Records)
Satanic Slaughter “The Early Years: Dawn of Darkness” (Necropolis Records)
Scattered Remnants “Indulgence In Masochism” (Deepsend Records)
Sepultura “Chaos AD” (Roadrunner Records)
Sepultura “Morbid Visions” (Roadrunner Records)
Sesta Marconi “Ritual Kama Sutra Kitsch” (Self-Released)
Shallow Water Grave “Suspension Of Disbelief” (Innerstrength Records)
Six Feet Under “Alive And Dead” (Metal Blade Records)
Six Feet Under “Death Rituals (sealed)” (Metal Blade Records)
Six Feet Under “Haunted” (Metal Blade Records)
Skyforger “Kauja pie Saules” (Paragon Records)
Slayer “South Of Heaven (original)” (American Recordings)
Slayer “Undisputed Attitude” (American Recordings)
Solace Of Requiem “Utopia Reborn” (Ruptured Silence)
Sublime Cadaveric Decomposition “2″ (Osmose Productions)
Subterranean Fecal Root “Anthems Of The Antisocial Underground” (Vein Tap Records)
Suffocation “Souls To Deny” (Relapse Records)
Suffocation/Crucifix/Pyrexia “Demos (bootleg)”
Terminal Function “Measuring The Abstract” (Willowtip Records)
Terrorizer/Nausea “Demos (bootleg)”
The Dead “The Dead” (Obsidian Records)
The Doors “The Doors” (Elektra Records)
The Kill “The Soundtrack To Your Violence” (No Escape Records)
Total War “We Are Total War” (Necropolis Records)
Various “A Tribute To Mercyful Fate (missing traycard)” (Still Dead Productions)
Various “Corpse Gristle: Southern Uprising Vol 1″ (Corpse Gristle Records)
Various “Demon Knight Soundtrack” (Atlantic Recordings)
Various “Guitar World Presents: Guitarst That Rule The World Volume 2″ (Metal Blade Records)
Various “Nativity In Black – A Tribute To Black Sabbath” (Columbia Records)
Various “Spawn: The Album” (Sony Music)
Various “Texas Metalfest Compilation: November To Dismember” (Nightfall Records) (features 2 rare Anal Blast songs)
Various “Ugly Music For Ugly Minds” (Relapse Records)
Various “Wizards Of Gore: Tribute To Impetigo” (Razorback Records)
Vomit Trough “It’s Grind!” (H:O:P Records)
Vore “Maleficus” (Frozen Solid Music)
Vorkuta “Into Chasms Of Lunacy” (Paragon Records)
Vrykolakas “Nocturnal Demons Of Death” (Vrykoblast Productions)
Vulgar Pigeons “Burning Episode” (Deepsend Records)
Vulgar Pigeons “Genetic Predisposition” (Howling Bull Records)
Vulgar Pigeons “Imperialism” (Willowtip Records)
Vulgar Pigeons “Summary Execution” (Deathvomit Records)
Wraith Of The Wropes “Ada” (Total Rust Music)
Zombie Ritual “Night Of The Zombie Party” (Razorback Records)

Promo CDs:
(Not being sold, will be tossed in for free for any purchases over $20. “Grab Bag” selection, unless you want a specific title, in which case it’s $1 per)
Abominable Iron Sloth “Abominable Iron Sloth” (Goodfellow Records)
Amoral “Decrowning” (Candlelight Records)
Anasarca “God Machine” (Repulse Records)
Anthropomorfia “Engendro” (Necromance Records)
Arcana Coelestia “Ubi Secreta Colunt” (ATMF Records)
Asymmetry “Asymmetry” (Total Rust Music)
Atman “L’Assassí de Venus” (Ishtadeva Vinyl Productions)
Balatonizer “Occulsed In Ottusity” (Dark Reign Recordings)
Beyond Fear “DTO.” (SPV Records)
Billy Crystal Meth “Meth Metal” (Mortville Noise HQ)
Black Succubi “Black Succubi” (Self-Released)
Black Succubi “Demo 2007 CD-R” (Self-Released)
Bleeding Kansas “Dead Under Decor” (Abacus Recordings)
Bloodsword “All Hyllest Til Satan” (Agonia Records)
Born From Pain “Survival” (Metal Blade Records)
Cadaver Inc “Discipline” (Earache Records)
Captain 3 Leg/Whoretorn/Yeast Infection “Split” (Mortville Noise HQ)
Cathedral “Endtyme” (Earache Records)
Celestia “Apparitia – Sumptuous Spectre” (Paragon Records)
Circle Of Dead Children “Zero Comfort Margin” (Willowtip Records)
Crom Dubh “Fallen Sons” (Self Released)
Cubical Sphere “Promo 2008″ (Self Released)
Dapnom “Acres Prealables” (Regimental Records)
Darkestrah “The Great Silk Road” (Paragon Records)
Deadicated “Cultureviolence” (Self-Released)
Dead Man In Reno “Dead Man In Reno” (Candlelight Records)
Deranged “High On Blood” (Regain Records)
Dimentianon “Live Promo CD-R” (Self-Released)
Empty “The Last Breath of My Mortal Despair” (De Tenebrarum Principio)
Ereb Altor “By Honour” (I Hate Records)
Eroguro “Orgasms Achieved Through Death” (Self Released)
Estuary “To Exist And Endure” (Ibex Moon Records)
Fall Of The Idols “The Seance” (I Hate Records)
Feeble Minded “Nothing But Death (DVD-Audio)” (Grodhaisn Productions)
Fetid Carrion “Promo 2008″ (Self Released)
Grima Morstua “Illustratio per Horribilem Obscuritatem” (Drakkar Productions)
Grimm “Heksenkringen” (Displeased Records)
Holy Boner “Crunch Crunch Woosh Rattatatta Blaaargh” (demo)
Hyadningar “Imminent Useless Soul” (Ewiger Hass Productions)
Insense “Soothing Torture” (Candlelight Records)
Insicknia “Ascent To The Sky” (Self-Released)
Jotunspor “Gleipnirs Smeder” (Candlelight Records)
Kalmannos “Above Good And Evil” (Self-Released)
Kill The Client “Escalation Of Hostility” (Willowtip Records)
King Diamond “House Of God” (Metal Blade Records)
Krisiun “Ageless Venomous” (Century Media)
Lucky Striker 201 “Lucky Striker 201 (CD-R)” (Self-Released)
May Result “Svetogrdje (The Blasphemy)” (Rock Express Records)
Melencolia Estatica “Letum” (ATMF Records)
Mental Horror “Proclaiming Vengeance” (Necropolis Records)
Necroblaspheme “Destination: Nulle Part” (Agonia Records)
Nembrionic “Incomplete” (Displeased Records)
Nidsang “The Mark Of Death” (Drakkar Productions)
Nightmare “The Dominion Gate” (Candlelight Records)
Novembers Fall “Broken Memories” (Self-Released)
Reinfection “Peace Through Killing” (Goregiastic Records)
Reino Ermitano “Rituales Interiores” (I Hate Records)
Requiem Aeternam “Philosopher” (ICorp Productions)
Root “Hell Symphony” (I Hate Records)
Root “The Book” (I Hate Records)
Sahg “Sahg I” (Candlelight Records)
Sarafan “Trio Of Terror” (Self-Released)
Sectioned “Elme Promo CD-R” (Self-Released)
Seeds Of Sorrow “Promotional CD 2007″ (Self-Released)
Sepsism “Purulent Decomposition” (Repulse Records)
Sun.Has.Cancer “Burn” (Self-Released)
Syphillic “Erotishock Therapy” (Self-Released)
Teratism “Ex Infernus” (Root Of All Evil Records)
The Dead “Ritual Executions” (Self-Released)
The Firstborn “The Unclenching Of Fists” (Pro Con Media)
The Gates Of Slumber “Conqueror” (I Hate Records)
The Human Abstract “Nocturne” (Hopeless Records)
Thyrane “Travesty Of Heavenly Essence” (Candlelight Records)
Time Requiem “Optical Illusion” (Candlelight Records)
Thrudvangar “Zwischen Asgard Und Midgard” (Einheit Productions)
Torchbearer “Warnaments” (Candlelight Records)
Trancelike Void “Destroying Something Beautiful” (ATMF Records)
Trendkill “No Longer Buried” (Candlelight Records)
Trimonium “Son Of A Blizzard” (Einheit Productions)
Vile “The New Age Of Chaos” (Unique Leader Records)
Voetsek “Infernal Command” (Selfmadegod Records)
Volcano “Tales From The Black Book” (I Hate Records)
Witchery “Symphony For The Devil” (Necropolis Records)
Wolverine “Still” (Candlelight Records)
Wurdulak “Ceremony In Flames” (Baphomet Records)
Xystus “A Rock Opera” (Laser’s Edge Records)

Music DVD:
Molly Hatchet “Live In Hamburg” (Steamhammer Records)
Sepultura: Chaos
Slayer: War At The Warfield
Sodom “Lords Of Depravity Part 1″ (Steamhammer Records)

T-Shirts (Previously Worn – L/XL):
Circle Of Dead Children “Barcode” T-Shirt ( View )
Cock & Ball Torture “Bulldozer Bondage Gore” T-Shirt ( View )
Immolation “Dawn Of Possession: Bringing Down The World Tour 2003″ Long Sleeve ( View )
Immolation “Unholy Cult: Bringing Down The World Tour 2003″ Long Sleeve ( View )
Leng Tch’e “Horns” T-Shirt ( View )
Leng Tch’e “Skull” T-Shirt ( View )
Leng Tch’e “Axes / Razor Fucking Grind” T-Shirt ( View )
Leng Tch’e “Splatter / The Process Of Elimination” T-Shirt ( View )
Napalm Death “Fear Emptiness Despair” T-Shirt ( View )
Nasum “Logo” T-Shirt ( View )
Nasum “Yellow Monster Logo” T-Shirt ( View )
Suffocation “Souls To Deny” T-Shirt ( View )

DVD (MMA)
King Of The Cage – Underground (10 Event Set)
Pride FC – Fighting Legacy Volume 2: Pride 6-9 & 11 (Sakuraba vs Royler Gracie, Vovchanchyn vs Bueno, etc)
Pride FC – Pride 17 (Wanderlei vs Sakuraba 2)
Pride FC – Pride 19: Collector’s Edition (Frye vs Shamrock)
Pride FC – Pride 20 (Wanderlei vs CroCop 1, Arona vs Henderson)
Pride FC – Total Elimination 2004 (Fedor vs Coleman 1, Randleman vs CroCop, Kharitonov vs Ninja)
Pride FC – Critical Countdown 2004 (Fedor vs Randleman, Kharitonov vs Schilt, Rampage vs Arona)
Pride FC – Pride 28 (Rampage vs Wanderlei 2, CroCop vs Barnett 1, A. Emelianenko vs James Thompson)
Pride FC – Pride 29 (Coleman vs CroCop, Rampage vs Ninja, Lil Nog vs Overeem)
Pride FC – Hardcore Knockouts Volume 1
Superbrawl – Brawl At The Beach (Miletich, Frank Shamrock)
Superbrawl – Champions (Yves Edwards, Falaniko Vitale, Dan Severn vs Josh Barnett)
Superbrawl – Eruption 1 & 2
Superbrawl – Havoc In Honolulu 1
Superbrawl – Havoc In Honolulu 2
Superbrawl – Punishment In Paradise
UFC 43 (Randy vs Chuck 1)
UFC 44 (Randy vs Tito, Arlovski vs Matyushenko)
UFC 45 & 46 (2-pack) (Hughes vs Trigg 1 & GSP vs Karo, Penn vs Hughes 1)
UFC 47 (Chuck vs Tito 1, Diaz vs Lawler)
UFC 48 (GSP vs Hieron, Tanner vs Baroni, Mir vs Sylvia, Ken Shamrock vs Kimo)
UFC 49 (Yves Edwards vs Josh Thomson, Karo vs Nick Diaz, Couture vs Belfort 3)
UFC 50 (Ortiz vs Cote, Hughes vs GSP 1, Tanner vs Lawler, Salaverry vs Fryklund)
UFC 51 (Diaz vs Fickett, Arlovski vs Sylvia 1, Sell vs Baroni, Tito vs Belfort)
UFC 52 (Chuck vs Randy 2, Hughes vs Trigg 2, GSP vs Mayhem)
UFC 53 (Arlovski vs Eilers, Franklin vs Tanner 2)
UFC Ultimate Knockouts 1 & 2
Tito Ortiz Instructional Video – Takedowns

DVD (Wrestling)
Jugalo Championshit Wrestling 2 (tons of death matches)
NWA TNA – Best NWA-TNA Title Matches
NWA TNA – Best Of X Division Matches

XBox 360:
Dead Or Alive 4
Dead Rising
Dragon Ball Z Burst Limit
Fight Night Round 3
Hitman: Blood Money
Lara Croft Tomb Raider Legend
Project Gotham Racing 3
Splinter Cell Double Agent
Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy

DVD (North America/Region 1):
8mm
40 Year Old Virgin
A Civil Action
A Night At The Roxbury
Alien vs Predator
Analyze This
Analyze That
Arrested Development Season One
Barber Shop
Billy Madison
Black Ball
Blow
Bowling For Columbine Special Edition
Brazil
Bringing Down The House
Cadillac Man
Chappelle’s Show Season 1 Uncensored
Chappelle’s Show Season 2 Uncensored (new)
Chappelle’s Show The Lost Episodes
Chicago
Cirque du Soleil Quidam
CKY Infiltrate Destroy Rebuild The Video Album
Clerks
Club Dread
Corner Gas Season 1
Corner Gas Season 2
Corner Gas Season 3
Death To Smoochy
Dodgeball
Doom
Double Whammy
Eurotrip
Family Guy Volume One: Seasons 1 & 2 (new)
Family Guy Volume Two: Season 3 (new)
Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story
Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer
Farenheit 9/11
Fun With Dick And Jane (2006)
Futurama Volume One (new)
Futurama Volume Two (new)
Gladiator
Head Of State
Heavy
Hero
Hot Chick
Idiocracy
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
Jackie Chan Fearless Hyena 2
Jackie Chan The Young Master
Jackie Chan Young Tiger
Juno
Kaiju Big Battel Terebi Sedto
Lord Of Illusions
Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring Special Extended Edition
Lost In Translation
Married With Children: The Complete First Season
Melvin Goes To Dinner
Minority Report
Moulin Rouge
Mr. Brooks
Mr. Deeds
National Lampoon’s Van Wilder Unrated
Ocean’s Twelve
Panic Room
Reefer Madness
Road Trip
Secret Window
Signs
South Park The Complete First Season
Spider-Man 2
Stealing Harvard
Steve-O: Don’t Try This At Home
Steve-O Volume 3: Out On Bail
Strange Wilderness
Super Size Me
Taking Lives
The Bourne Identity
The Bourne Supremacy
The Bourne Ultimatum
The Departed
The Full Monty
The Hunted
The Ladykillers
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
The Life Of David Gale
The Others
The Prophecy
The Prophecy 2
The Prophecy 3
The Simpsons Christmas
The Skeleton Key
The Village
The Wedding Singer
The Wrong Guy
Van Helsing
Vanilla Sky
Walking Tall
Wedding Crashers
Weekend At Bernie’s

Just a quick heads up to let everyone know that my most recent web design project, the Official Aborted Website is completed and now online.  Vocalist Sven, who happens to be a killer graphic designer and man behind Avernus Studios, handled all of the artwork and I did all of the coding and CMS implementation.

It’s taken a few months to finally get it up online, but it’s finally fucking done!  It turned out really well, I’m stoked!  Anyway, if you guys want to see the kind of shit I do for a living, head over to goremageddon.be

The whole site runs off of the same CMS that runs Teufel’s Tomb, everything is automated and fully customized.  It’s pretty fucking slick!  I’m currently working on a more standardized version which I’ll use as a template for future band sites.

I’m also going to be cleaning up the site over the next week or so, re-organizing and streamlining and, for a third time in less than a year, re-designing the website.  I’m working on a bunch of new features to make it quicker and easier to update the site and hopefully bring a lot more content to the website on a more regular basis.

If you’ve got any suggestions or comments about the performance, look and content contained on the site, leave a comment below.

Picture it…New York…1994…A man emerges from the local record store decked out with a Gorguts Considered Dead longsleeve. If that was not enough, after peering at his loot bag (I left that one open for your own opinions), I noticed a pair of Deicide Legion sweatpants. My eyes widened at the thought of such a terrific idea, considering the lazy, fat stereotypical lifestyle of metalheads at the time.

Imagine all the things I could accomplish with such pants on:

1) Have one hell of a time going to a stripclub sans underwear
2) Be the most badass person Gold’s Gym has ever seen
3) Be allowed to cut past frightened shoppers at Pathmark
4) Comfort while being at an unsurpassed level of coolness
5) Walking around with an erection would become socially acceptable

I would like to thank Willowtip Records for making my dream come true, complete with elastic ankles. These Defeated Sanity sweatpants will make me the toast of the town! Feel free to share your sweatpant stories, wishes, dreams, etc, because a life without sweatpants is like a life without ___________ (you fill it in).

How many douchebags does it take...?

I, like most of you, am a music junkie.  I probably listen to a new album every day.  I frequent a myriad of blogs featuring 60′s Cambodian Rock, classic country,  comedy, Japanese surf, and METAL in its least gay forms (sorry black metal and melodic metal guy) just to name a few.  I can’t help myself.  It’s sort of like when I tell my wife I’m done watching porn, or that I won’t spend my gig money on weed.  I’m simply out of control (in an asleep at the wheel sort of way).

As I search for the next blog that I can pilfer from, I discover that the people running these sites are generally big fatties that appear to be lifeless outside of their computer-based world.  Who are these people, like us, who are completely obsessed with downloading the next hot item?  Well, quite simply, douche bags.    Lately, I’ve been making some correlations that you probably won’t like.  Join me in my self-loathing, won’t you please?

I should be in my music room right now, coming up with some new shit to save my musical sanity.  Instead, I’m on the computer downloading shit while writing to you guys.  When I am playing music live, it’s in a cover band (something I vowed was beneath me).   I still quote bits of Seinfeld episodes (something I also swore I’d never do).  I have completely sold out.  Then there’s the reviews I occasionally write for Toofie.  I really do feel the need to give back to the world I rape and plunder daily.  It is my hope that you will read my stupid shit and support the bands financially.  As Georgie Corpsegrinder often says, “Keep coming out to the shows.”  I certainly do.  And I usually by a disc or t-shirt while I’m there.  More often than not though, I just take shit and burn it…just like you!

Since the Teufel’s Tomb redesign, I have been thoroughly annoyed with most of the reader comments.  Whether they bash the review or say that it was “epic”, I can’t stop my stomach from churning.  But guess what, I’m looking at those stupid ass comments almost every day.  Let me rap this tirade up.  I’m a douche, you’re a douche, and I guess we just need to admit it and continue down our path to oblivion as such.  All my best…

Don Decker of Anal Blast - Rest In Peace

Former Teufel’s Tomb scribe Abbas sent me an e-mail yesterday to inform me of the unfortunate passing of Anal Blast vocalist Don Decker.  I didn’t know Don well enough to consider him a close and dear friend, but I knew him well enough to know that, despite being a fucked up sheep fucking weirdo, he’s actually a really cool guy.  My interview with him was, by far, the most read article on the website of all time!  I know you’re out there, somewhere, fucking sheep and eating tampons, rest in peace Don!  I’m going to go drink beer and masturbate and shit porn in your honor!

It’s no surprise I was a big fan and supporter of Anal Blast and always felt the band’s music was overlooked and under appreciated due to Don’s hilarious, yet offensive, subject matter.  Some of you may have hear them and may be fans, some of you may have no clue, but here’s a little something for you to remember Don by; two rare Anal Blast tracks from the ultra limited Texas Metalfest Compilation “Lil Cunts” and “She Eats Her Tampons Out Of My Shit.” Enjoy!

Show Review: Summer Slaughter Tour 2009

Much to my delight, my brother bought me a ticket to this year’s Summer Slaughter tour. I was able to assemble “the old show crew” and have a reunion of sorts, considering the last show we had attended was a Devourment, Misery Index, Digested Flesh & Dehumanized show in 2006. Yes, the old man left the home and actually went to a show. I figured that there would be some of my peers at a show headlined by Suffocation and I would not feel awkward amongst the hoards of youth there to see their favorite keyboard bands. Let me preface my diatribe with a list of the bands that were supposed to be playing at this show:

Suffocation
Necrophagist
Dying Fetus
Origin
Ensiferum
Darkest Hour
Winds of Plague
Born of Osiris
Beneath the Massacre
After the Burial
Decrepit Birth
Blackguard

Instead, I saw:

Necrophagist
Ensiferum
Darkest Hour
Winds of Plague
Born of Osiris

Now, this was a show that was supposed to happen on two nights but the bill was not supposed to be split. Most of the bands I saw had played the night before, as I had attended on the second night. I figured that there would be some deletions and substitutions for some of the “lesser bands” (i.e. I had read Necrotic Disgorgement played the show in Ohio and that Ensiferum was only playing the second half of the tour as a substitution for another band). But it seemed ridiculous to me that the two shows were so drastically different and the show I attended was not worth the $30 ticket price.

Obviously, I was at the show to check out the death metal side of things and I had never had the opportunity to check out Necrophagist or Origin live before. However, my hopes were dashed when band after band of deathcore-keyboard bands played and rumors circulated about the bands that were not playing. I tried not to listen and hoped that watching Derek Boyer from Suffocation occasionally come on the stage, chug Jack Daniels, and headbang would lead to Suffocation eventually playing, and in a moment of complete insanity, even thinking that they would play the entire Breeding the Spawn album from start to finish.

Necrophagist, thankfully, saved the night with an unbelievably brutal set of music which I am sure showed some of the death core young’ins what technical death metal actually is. The drumming was phenomenal and I was happy to hear the oft-requested song “Intestinal Incubation” and the groovy monster known as “Seven”.

I could not really get into any of the other bands. Some of them had their bright spots. For some of the bands, the music was okay with some nice “start-stop-start” parts that reminded me of Ion Dissonance. For some bands the positive was that the keyboard was completely indecipherable. My friends and I joked that the keyboard was for the close friend of the band who really wanted to be in the band and in a fit said, “I’ll give everyone a reach-around if you let me play keyboard.” For one band, the positive was the song title “One More Magic Potion” which enabled me to laugh through the entire set. The eye-black didn’t help and one might have thought they were going to field fly balls the next morning. More merriment was had when examining a drummer who seemed to look like Woody Allen.

So, what’s my beef? No Suffocation, Dying Fetus, or Origin. I was bitter that Suffocation could not play both nights considering that it was the last night of the tour and it was in their home city. I admit that the last Dying Fetus album I enjoyed was the Grotesque Impalement e.p. but I know they would have played some solid gold oldies. And I heard it is something to see Origin‘s live show. I guess I missed that rush of adrenaline one gets when a great band that you know well goes on. Necrophagist provided that but only for their set of music.

The ticket price was also beat. For $30, the night before truly got the deal and all of us at the second show felt ripped-off and like we were fed left-overs. Although Necrophagist is a great band, I have to question them as a legitimate headlining act considering they have only one full album and a collection of then-new and demo tracks (Onset of Putrefaction). However, I think that they wanted to play the show and were the best band that was left and for that I give them credit. We can also factor in that they have been around for a quite a while. Either way, I believe the bitterness emanates from the fact that it was a weak show, a far cry from the thousands of posters and MySpace JPEGs that announced this “over the top” tour. It can really be looked at as a case of false advertisement and worthy of a complaint to the Office of Consumer Affairs. If I had the time, it might be worth it. I did not see a disclaimer about the possibility of bands not playing and the scope of “alternates and substitutions” had been pushed way too far. It would equivalent to heading to a steak house, ordering a 24 ounce porterhouse, and getting creamed spinach and a potato. All of the online flyers and the tour’s MySpace page has all the bands for all the dates. But what should I have expected with companies like Affliction and Decibel Magazine sponsoring the tour? I guess not much more and it will be a while before this old guy ventures out again.

In the next few days I’ll have the MP3 section fully up as well as some new reviews, interviews, hate mail, metal news, blog posts and the first “featured artist”.

Let me know if you guys find any major bugs or glitches.  I’ll fill up the site with more content tomorrow during the day sometime.

That is all.

Audio Samples Included With New Reviews
Want to know what the fuck we’re talking about without having to search all over the web to find it and listen to it yourself? Search no more, because I’m adding audio samples to almost all new reviews moving forward. I’ll be seeking permission from all bands and labels who have submitted stuff for review, some will agree to it, others won’t, but the ones that do will get mp3 samples, and the ones that don’t, can go fuck themselves. Hey, I’m just trying to help with the promotion of their music, if they don’t want it, they can suck my balls!

Album Review Scoring System Returns!
Years ago I used a numbered scoring system for album reviews. This method was flawed. I then thought about Siskel & Ebert’s thumbs up/thumbs down method, but that too was too limited. I’ve finally settled on a new method. Each review will include a “score” that’s a bit more informative.

Essential: An album that is a classic, mandatory, must-own slab of metal. You don’t just love it, you WORSHIP it! (ie. Entombed Left Hand Path.)

Excellent: A great album worth both your time and money. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty damn close. (ie. Decrepit Birth …And Time Begins)

Worthwhile: An album that has some great moments, but also some amount of filler material. Good for a couple of songs, but not the entire album. (ie. Hate Eternal Conquering The Throne).

Mediocre: May have a moment or two that’s pretty decent, but for the most part the album is pretty average and borderline crappy. Something you listen to once and immediately forget all about. (ie. Kataklysm Prevail.)

Worthless: A complete, total and utter failure of epic proportions. An album so terrible you wish death upon the band that created it. Nothing good to say about it at all. Either it’s really shitty in quality, or just really really fruity and lame. If you buy this and like this, you should be ashamed. (ie. Dragonforce Ultra Beatdown)

MP3 Section
Don’t feel like reading all of the reviews, just want to listen to the samples associated with each release? They’ll all be available in one convenient location.

Some of these features will be available immediately when the redesign goes up, others will be added slowly over time. Regardless, the goal for this redesign is to make the site easier to read, nicer to look at with more stuff to read and do. The redesign is coming, just be patient, if you can’t wait until it’s done, then offer to contribute instead of whining like a little bitch.

Previews of the redesign are available on the forums.

If you have any suggestions or requests, now’s the time to send them in, because once the redesign is up I’m not doing it again for a long time.

I’m also in the process of moving, so I’ve got a lot of shit going on right now, however, I’m aiming for the site to launch on Friday the 13th. Regular updates will resume the following Tuesday.

I’ll also begin work on new reviews, interviews and updating the metal news once the rebuild is done, so be sure to check back next week!

Past clients include:
Mainstay Recordings (label website)
Copremesis (CD layout for Muay Thai Ladyboys)
Suffocation (website)
Napalm Death (website)
Circle Of Dead Children (website)
Cannibal Corpse (website)
Strong Intention (website)
Woe Of Tyrants (website & t-shirt design)
Pyrexia (website)
Benumb (website)
Vulgar Pigeons (website)
Hibernus Mortis (website)
SI Media (porn websites)
SKID (porn websites)
And countless other clients over the past 13 years.

My current “metal” project list includes:
Teufel’s Tomb (website redesign)
Mainstay Recordings (label website redesign)
Copremesis (t-shirt & tour poster)

Over the years I’ve designed websites, CD & DVD covers/booklets, merchandise (shirts), logos (mostly corporate, although a few band logos as well), billboards and pretty much anything else you can think of.

If you’re interested in my services, feel free to hit me up via e-mail at eric@crookeddesigns.com

I need to finally sign up for XBox Live just so I can play this game. Looks fucking awesome! Can’t wait for Street Fighter IV to finally be released on consoles!

Comes out on Friday! Can’t wait to hack somebody to shreds while screaming “THERE’S BLOOD ON MY FACE! BLOOD ON MY FACE!!!!!!!!” I have issues…

It’s a shame that Benumb are split up, I really miss hearing these songs! Benumb were a bay area band that started in 1994 and lasted probably up until about 2003 or 2004. They released a ton of 7″s and comps and splits and also three mighty full lengths on Relapse Records. And if you were in a band that toured through the bay area ever, chances are Pete probably helped you out! Pete is STILL the man! The nicest and most generous person in the bay area!

My old band, A Death Between Seasons (notice our shirt as sported by their bass player Tim) had just flown to San Francisco, out for a west coast tour the day before this. Pete had us picked up at the airport with a limo! We were soon at his apartment, which he had just bought and was just starting to move into that weekend, he gave us the keys, wished us a good weekend, and had to go to the airport to fly out to Milwaukee for this show. Pete let us stay at his apartment that weekend while we played the bay area, though he wasn’t going to be in town. That was mighty awesome. He was back in town a few days later in time for a Monday night show at the Cocadrie with my band A Death Between Seasons, Benumb, Falling Over Drunk, and Antagony(!!).

When an entire show on the last day of our tour got cancelled that day, Pete used his muscle to get us on a show with The Locust, so we at least had one more good show before going home.

I know other bands have very similar experiences, Pete is just the shit like that. And Benumb goddamned killed. So here’s my best Benumb video, recorded at the Milwaukee Metal Fest as my band took naked photos of ourselves on his patio for his neighbors enjoyment. As he was screaming and yelling and bro-ing down with people, all hi-fivin’ them and shit, we were probably putting our balls on his stuff, especially his pillow!!!! So yeah, THANKS PETE!!!!!!

For those of you who don’t already know, Pete and John of Benümb have started a new band, Agenda Of Swine. Their Relapse Records debut, Waves Of Human Suffering, is fucking killer. You should definitely pick it up if you’re a fan of Benümb and Vulgar Pigeons!