Teufel's Tomb » Hate Mail

Cesspool Of Vermin: So Brutal They Hurt My Brain…

Teufel — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 00:14:42 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Cesspool of Vermin

Date:

June 27, 2009 5:23AM

Subject:

Cesspool Of Vermin “Beastial Necrophilia” Review

Hi guys this is Derek from Cesspool of Vermin! Thanks for the cheesy, horrible review! We appreciate it! hahaha! Oh yeah! If you don’t like our shit… fuck you in the mouth! We play what we want & have fun doing it, so… chug a dick!

Teufel Responds:

hahahaha… okay, these guys obviously didn’t like the review, but they’re laughing it off, that’s cool… oh, wait… what’s that?

To:

Teufel

From:

Cesspool Vermin

Date:

June 28, 2009 6:19AM

Subject:

Cesspool of Vermin

Ummmm… who told you guys you could post one of our tracks on your site? I’m gonna ask politely for you to take it down OR you can consult with us & we can choose a track for you to post. If you won’t agree to that I’ll contact our record label & he can contact the proper authorities. Thanks.

Teufel Responds:

Perhaps I was a little hasty in assuming these guys were intelligent to just laugh this off and walk away. Seems like they’re mighty butthurt to be complaining about free publicity for their stupid band. Normally I’d just tear into these fools and mock them relentlessly, but I’ll play it cool…

To:

Cesspool Vermin

From:

Teufel

Date:

June 28, 2009 2:12AM

Subject:

Re: Cesspool of Vermin

Enclosed is a copy of the e-mail from Barrett at Sevared Records giving me permission to post samples from albums he’s released. The e-mail is dated June 7th, 2009. The review for your album, along with the audio clip, was posted June 8th, 2009. I don’t post audio samples unless first being given permission by the label or band (if it’s a demo or self-released effort). The audio samples enable the reader to listen to the music themselves and form their own opinion, if they listen to it and like it, links are provided for where the album can be purchased legally.

If you want me to remove the sample, I will, no problem, but I’m not going to waste the time, effort or bandwidth on uploading a different track.

- Eric
http://www.teufelstomb.com/

Teufel Responds:

That’s much more mature than I tend to handle things. *pats self on the back* Well done, sir. Oh wait…

To:

Teufel

From:

Cesspool Vermin

Date:

June 28, 2009 4:33PM

Subject:

Re: Cesspool of Vermin

Take it down.

On a personal note: I don’t appreciate the sarcastic way you guys reviewed our album. You could have rated it a zero & been professional & stated the reasons why you didn’t like it & I wouldn’t have cared, but the review you posted makes a mockery out of us. Fuck that. We’ve never disrespected you & we don’t appreciate it.

Teufel Responds:

These guys write songs about fucking dead dogs and they don’t appreciate sarcasm and humor? This guy is clearly a retard. Time to incite some angry keyboard mashing from this tool.

*removes audio sample from the review and replaces it with the following text*
[Audio sample has been removed at the band's request. I wonder if they bree-bree-bree when they cry themselves to sleep at night? - Teufel]

To:

Teufel

From:

Cesspool Vermin

Date:

June 29, 2009 4:37PM

Subject:

Re: Cesspool of Vermin

I see your little smart ass remark on your page asshole. You better hope I never see you in person.

Teufel Responds:

Why? Are you planning on sucking my dick?

To:

Cesspool Vermin

From:

Teufel

Date:

June 29, 2009 6:59PM

Subject:

Re: Cesspool of Vermin

I think it’s pretty fucking awesome that you guys write an album with songs about dead dog fucking, rape and all of the other fucking retarded “controversial” shit you can think of to get attention, then the moment someone gives you the negative attention you so desperately crave you cry about it. You write songs about fucking dead dogs.

On a related note, don’t fucking threaten me. It’s not my fault or my problem you have thin skin and can’t handle a joke, despite the fact that you WRITE SONGS ABOUT FUCKING DEAD DOGS! “You better hope I never see you in person.” Why? Are you going to cry when I tell you your band sucks to your face? You’re sure doing a lot of boo-hooing behind your computer screen there, tough guy. “Take down the audio clip, you’re making fun of me!” Yeah… I’m fucking terrified.

Grow up.

- Eric
http://www.teufelstomb.com/

Teufel Responds:

Sad and pathetic finger mashing and Photoshopping coming in 3-2-1…

To:

Teufel

From:

Cesspool Vermin

Date:

June 29, 2009 7:26PM

Subject:

Re: Cesspool of Vermin

Fuck you fat boy. I’ll whip your fucking ass. You don’t fucking know me. I’ll see you out at a show some time & I’ll knock some of that fat of your goddamn jaw.

Teufel Responds:

He Photoshopped an old picture of me making a stupid face onto his album cover. I don’t know if you can read what it says in the bubble but it says… “Hi, my name is Eric & I’m a fat fucking slob that sits behind my computer all day & talks shit about people. I could never join a Death Metal band so now I just write half ass reviews! Damn, I’m a loser!”

hahahaha… what a fucking retard. I never wrote the review, but he’s turning this into a personal grudge because he can’t handle criticism. He doesn’t stop there though…

Cesspool Of Vermin’s MySpace page:

TEUFEL’S TOMB WANTS TO TALK SHIT? WE CAN DO THAT TOO!

It’s recently been brought to my attention that Teufel’s Tomb didn’t care for our album & wrote a smart ass review of it talking shit. Well… we here at the Cesspool camp are masters of shit talking & retaliation. Here’s what I think of Eric Crookes & Teufel’s Tomb.

If you don’t like fat, shit talking queers that trash Metal bands for no reason go over to http://www.teufelstomb.com & let them know how you feel! Or even better! Write this douchebag up & let him feel the hate!

Eric Crookes
PO Box 54519
Highgate Village
7155 Kingsway
Burnaby, BC V5E 4J6
CANADA

On a personal note Eric… it’s not our fault you could never make it in a Death Metal band & your stuck writing shitty reviews. I guess you just weren’t good enough. Goddamn fat jawed James Hetfield looking, lamb chop facial hair, no talent havin’ ass motherfucker! hahaha!

Teufel Responds:

This coming from a dude who looks like this:

I wonder if he grows his beard like that to give his dad something to hold onto when he fucks his purty lil mouth.

He goes on…

Cesspool Of Vermin’s MySpace Bulletin:

A Cancer To Metal! READ!

I’ve been looking at reviews & comments over at the Teufel’s Tomb site & these guys are just bashing all kinds of bands. They talk shit, clown the bands & just plain say disrespectful things. I think it’s pretty fucked up they claim to be Metal & talk all that shit. They rated the new Pestilence album as “Mediocre” WTF! That’s insane! That album rips! These motherfuckers are a disease to Metal. I’d like to run in to their crew at a show somewhere & show them what Metal really is!! Go over to their site & retaliate! I’ve been giving them my two cents all night. Bunch of internet warriors talking shit behind a computer screen all day. How brutal…

Teufel Responds:

My “crew”? Are you planning a dance off?

I think it’s pretty awesome that, rather than just stick with the decent publicity from a review with audio sample from the website, he’s instead decided to aim to get as much negative publicity for himself and his band as possible, and has not only made himself look like an overly sensitive girl who can’t handle a joke, he’s dragged his entire band into it as well and made them all look like a bunch of retards by association. Then again… drummer Jordan Varela has already tried starting shit with me before.

If you can’t handle criticism, don’t play music that is liked by only 0.00001% of the world’s population because while a handful of people will like it, the rest of the world will be more than happy to tell you you fucking suck!

Please continue angrily mashing your fat fingers on your keyboard. The angrier you are, the funnier this shit gets.

“WE ARE Cesspool of Vermin AND WE CAN’T TAKE A JOKE OR HANDLE CRITICISM… BREEEE!!!! BRREEEEEE!!!! BREEEEEEEE!!!!!!! *sniffle* *sniffle* BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

Earache Records: Not Only Do They Suck, They’re Also Stupid

Teufel — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 00:07:37 +0000

To:

Earache PR Department

From:

Teufel

Date:

May 30, 2009 1:43 PM

Subject:

Seeking permission to post streaming audio samples with reviews

Hey,

Just a quick e-mail to see if it’s okay if I post audio samples of Earache Records releases in reviews on Teufel’s Tomb. Rather than leave people to make decisions based on my inane rambling, I’m giving them an option to check it out for themselves and form their own opinion. I also include links to where they can purchase the releases.

Here’s an example;
http://www.teufelstomb.com/reviews/ulcerate-everythingisfire/

Clips are streaming audio, non-downloadable. If it’s cool with you guys, I’ll post samples along with reviews, if not, I won’t. Let me know!

Cheers!

- Eric : http://www.teufelstomb.com/

To:

Teufel

From:

Earache PR Department

Date:

June 1, 2009 3:04 PM

Subject:

Seeking permission to post streaming audio samples with reviews

“The current Earache roster is pretty weak, so it’s no surprise the label continues to churn out re-issue after re-issue of their earlier releases.” (taken from Metal News article Earache Looking To Cash In On A Re-Release Of Blessed Are The Sick)

with your readers potentially being influenced by statements like that and headlines about us “cashing in”, I’m going to have to pass.

Anthony Guzzardo
North American Press Manager
Earache Records

Teufel Responds:

I’m still on the promo list, so they still encourage me to write reviews for their new releases and interview their bands, however it’s not okay for me to give their bands free publicity in the form of streaming non-downloadable audio samples (free of charge, using my own bandwidth) to go with the reviews we write so the readers can form their own opinions on the music because I publicly called them on their bullshit. Even Relapse, who I rip mercilessly for releasing crappy albums, were totally cool with me posting streaming audio clips to accompany the new reviews, and I’m not even on their press list! hahahahaha… awesome!

Hi! My Name Is Teufel And I’m A Violent Homophobe Because Metallica Is Gay!

Teufel — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 22:21:44 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU

Date:

September 13, 2008 1:21PM

Subject:

Metallica “Death Magnetic” Review

Ladies and Gents, this is the definition of a complete GAY BASHING,VIOLENT JACKOFF who actually thinks, PEOPLE LISTEN TO HIM, PEOPLE CARE WHAT HE SAYS, OR LET ALONE, WHAT HE THINKS! OK, 1st let’s say fuck a lot. I guess he needs attention badly. I can be really cool and get people’s attention if a curse a lot, or make gay loving, or gay bashing comments. Now if he IS gay, that is fine and I have no problem with someone being gay and expressing themselves. But a gay basher is another story. But God forbid he can actually write a review of an album without cursing, personal feelings. His words actually lack professing ANY SORT OF biased, or actual musical knowledge. Let me rip on the entire Metal head population because I KNOW THEY ARE MORONS. PEOPLE, I AM YOUR MASTER, AND YOU ALL BOW DOWN TO ME AND WHAT I SAY! YEAH WHATEVER!….I GUESS HE IS GOING TO TIE THEM UP AND WHIP THEM LATER..HMM I SENSE A THEME GROWING AND CUMMING ON. (SOB..SORRY MY CAPS LOCK JAMMED) SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? TELL YOUR FRIENDS, PASS IT ALONG, AND STOP GOING TO THIS GUYS PAGE FOR HE IS NOT WORTH IT. I GET MORE IMPORTANT, AND BETTER INFORMATION FROM MY 5 YEAR OLD KID WHO IS IN MENSA! NOW I SPEND EASILY OVER 100 HRS A WEEK ONLINE FOR MY COMPANY, GOING THROUGH AND SEEKING OUT WEBSITES, SEEKING NEW ONES THAT PEOPLE ARE NOT AWARE OF THAT ARE UNIQUE, HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY OR SELL. I HAVE BROKEN HUNDREDS OF STORIES ABOUT WEB SITES LIKE GOOGLE..NAPSTER, BUY.COM PETS.COM, AND MORE. I AM SEARCHING TO SEE IF THERE IS SOME NEW TALENT OUT THEIR, OR WEB SITE THAT HAS SERIOUS POTENTIAL. AND LADIES N GENTS, THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM. I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THIS JACKOFF AND I HAVE BROKEN STORIES ABOUT UPSTARTS, OR LITTLE KNOW SITES THAT BECOME POPULAR AND MUCH BIGGER FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS, I HAVE NEVER, EVER, HEAR OF THIS MORON. SOMEONE SAID THEY SAW A REVIEW BY SOME ASSHOLE ONLINE AND I SHOULD CHECK IT OUT. OK I CAN DO THAT, IT IS MY JOB TO SEEK OUT NEW TALENT. FINE. 2 SENTENCES IN, I ALREADY KNOW THIS IS A WASTE OF MY TIME AND EVERYONE’S ENERGY. HIS REMARK OF “MAN FRANCISCO” IS ALREADY HEADING DOWN THE GAY AND LESBIAN HIGHWAY. AS HE CLEARLY SHOWS, IN NOT SAYING “SAN FRANCISCO” AND INSTEAD “MAN FRANCISCO”, HE IS A GAY BASHER. I AM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY “MAN” WAS USED. OK, THEY RHYME. THEY ARE GROUP WHO ARE FROM SAN FRAN. SO MAN FRANCISCO MUST BE BECAUSE HE IS EITHER GAY LOVER, OR A GAY BASHER. BY STATING “MAN” HE IS SHOWING HIS TRUE COLORS. BUT LET’S GO ON. BECAUSE NOW HIS GAY LOVING, OR GAY BASHING TENDANCIES ARE FLOWING. HE STARTED WITH “MAN” FRANCISCO AND WE ALL KNOW HAS A VERY LARGE GAY AND LESBIAN POPULATION. RIPPNG INTO THE ALBUM ART COVER IS FINE IF ONE DOES NOT LIKE IT, BUT HE TAKES IT TOO ANOTHER GAY/SEXUAL LEVEL YET ONCE MORE. AS FOR MYSELF, SO FAR, OUT OF READING THOUSANDS OF POSTS ON MESSAGE BOARDS FOR R.S. MAGAZINE, SPIN, THE METCLUB WEB SITE, YAHOO MUSIC, AOL MUSIC, GOOGLE MUSIC, REAL PLAYER, AND HUNDREDS MORE, HE HAS THE HONOR OF BEING THE 1ST AND ONLY ONE TO SAY THAT THE COVER LOOKS LIKE A MAN’S REAR END, AND WHAT THEIR ANUS LOOKS LIKE. DO WE NOW FULLY UNDERSTAND WHERE HE IS CUMMING FROM. HIS REMARKS ABOUT THIS ALBUM NOT SOUNDING AS ENTERTAINING AS MASTER, RIDE, OR KILL, AND THE BLACK ALBUM IS PREPOSPEROUS. DO THEY SOUND LIKE THOSE ALBUMS, OF COURSE NOT. EACH ONE WAS AND HAS THEIR OWN UNIQUE SOUND. DOES THIS ALBUM TRACE BACK TO THEIR ROOTS OF HEAVY MELODIC RIFFS, AMAZING SOLOS, HEART POUNDING DRUMS AND JAMES ANGERNG VOICE? YES IT DOES. DOES IT RESEMBLE ANY OF THE EARLY ALBUMS. NOT SPECIFICALLY IT DOESN’T. WHAT IT DOES HARKEN BACK TOO IS THE SPEED AND TENACITY OF THEIR YOUTH. NOW WHAT BAND HAS PUT OUT AN ALBUM THAT HAD A BAD NAME/S THAT DO NOT MAKE SENSE? HOW MANY RUN THROUGH YOUR MIND? BUT YET, HE DOES NOT MENTION OTHER NAMES, HE ONLY TALKS ABOUT A MAN HAIRY BUT AND ANUS. NICE..YEP, WE KNOW WHERE IS IS CUMMING FROM AND CONCENTRATING ON! NOW HE FINALLY MENTIONS THE MUSIC. SORTA. AGAIN WE ARE ARE ENTERTAINED WITH THE WORD FUCK OVER AND OVER AGAIN. BUT WE ARE QUICKLY BACK TO THE VIOLENCE AND BASHING. BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO COMPARE THE ALBUM TOO THE CLASSIC MASTER OF PUPPETS, WHILE HE DOESN’T AGREE WITH THEM, HE WANTS TO CAUSE THEM SERIOUS BODILY INJURY FOR NOT AGREEING WITH THEM. WHEN HE CONTINUES ON, WE ARE NOW NOTICING THAT BESIDES BEING EITHER A GAY LOVER, OR A GAY BASHER, HE IS A COMPLETELY UNSATISFIED GAY LOVER OR BASHER WHO HAS NO PATIENCE WHATSOEVER FOR ANYTHING LONGER THAN 2 MINUTES AS HE STATED VEHEMINTLY. WOW, LOOKEE HERE, SOME ACTUALLY MUSICAL KNOWLEDGE! WE ARE BLESSED! WITH A RUN ON SENTENCE! DAMN. OH WELL THAT LASTED LONG. WE ARE BACK TO HIS UNSATISFYING LIFE WHERE HE IS NEVER HAPPY, NOR SATISFIED AS HE HAS NO PATIENCE AGAIN. BUT WE CAN ADD IN NOW THAT HE CAN’T “THRASH” AROUND LIKE HE DID WHEN HE WAS A EXPERIMENTAL TEENAGER.(AKA- JUMP AROUND WITH FLAILING ARMS WILDY PUNCHING (AGAIN WITH THE VIOLENCE) UNKNOWN PEOPLE, WHILE RUNNING IN A SMALL CIRCLE. BUT HE ALSO CAN’T “TAP HIS TOES” LIKE A RHYTHMIC TAP DANCER PERFORMING IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE WEARING PINK TUTU’S. NOW I AM CONFUSED. HE STATES THAT HE CAN NO LONGER THRASH AROUND LIKE THE EXPERIMENTAL TEEN HE WAS, BECAUSE THE MUSIC IS DULL, BORING AND REHASHED FROM THE JUSTICE AND LOAD ALBUM. YET HE HEARS RIFFS AND PARTS IN EVERY SONG, AND THINKS, “HEY, I KNOW THAT RIFF FROM LOAD, THAT FOLLOW WAS FROM MASTER OF PUPPETS. SO HE KNOWS HE IS HEARING SOME RIFFS FROM THE CONTINUATION OF THE MASTER OF PUPPETS RECORD, WHICH IS A THRASH METAL CLASSIC, BUT THEN SAYS THAT IT TENDS TO BE SIMPLISTIC THRASH ROCK IN NATURE”. SO IF IT IS THRASH, BE IT SIMPLITIC THRASH, AND HAS SOME RIFFS FROM THOSE CLASSIC ALBUMS, WHY CAN’T HE THRASH AROUND AND RUN IN A CIRCLE WITH BARE CHESTED MEN HITTING UNKNOWN PEOPLE AROUND HIM? HMMM? WELL WE KNOW HE IS IMPATIENT AND QUICKLY SATISFIIED IN 2 MINUTES OR LESS. WAIT, WHAT’S THIS? AN ACTUAL REVIEW? SO HE DOES FINALLY SAY THAT THE ALBUM IS GOOD AND THE BEST ONE IN 17 YEARS. SO THEREFOR, IT DOES NOT SUCK, AND HE DOES LIKE IT. IF THE ALBUM REALLY SUCKED, AND HE REALLY HEATED IT, THEN HE SHOULD HAVE SAID, I DON’Y LIKE IT BECAUSE THIS ALBUM SUCKS AND LOAD, RE-LOAD AND ST. ANGER ARE BETTER THEN IT. BUT HE DOES NOT. YOU CANNOT SAY THE ALBUM IS THE BEST ONE IN 17 YEARS, BUT ACTUALY MEAN, IT REALLY SUCKS. THIS IDIOT IS THE COMPLETE DEFINITION OF A JACKOFF LOSER WHO NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP IMMEDIATELY! BESIDES BEING A RUDE, OBNOXIOUS, TWO FACED, SIDE STEPPING BACK TALKER, IN ACTUALITY, HE IS ALSO A EXTREMELY VIOLENT, SELF ABSORBED, PRETENIOUS HOMOPHOBIC GAY BASHING GAS BAG, WHO IS COMPLETELY UNSATISFIED IN LIFE AND ANYTHING OVER 2 MINUTES IN LEGNTH HE CAN’T BE BOTHERED WITH. YOUR RIGHT, THIS IS A TOMB. BURY IT, AND BE LEFT UNTOUCHED FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS!

Teufel Responds:

I’ve received a lot of criticism for my review of Metallica‘s Death Magnetic, but this one is certainly the longest, filled with the most grammatical errors and capital letters. You touch on a lot of points other people have made about that particular review, so I’ll respond to it.

Me being a “violent homophobe” is the most fucking hilarious thing I’ve ever heard. First of all, I don’t mind gay men, I’m not into them, but what they do in public or in private really doesn’t bother me. The reason for this is that I worked in the porn industry as a web/graphic designer for five years. In those five years I’ve had to work on a lot of gay porn sites. I have personally airbrushed poopstains off of pictures of the butt holes of more gay porn stars than I care to count. Don’t believe me? Head over to Male Video Network, Bareback My Ass, Patriot Ass, Brutha Love, Real Men Bareback, Hot Hairy Holes and Street Bait to see samples of my work. I airbrushed every photo, I captured every video and encoded it and I wrote every description on all of those sites. Descriptions like;

Flex Deon Blake and Gregory Soloman decided to go to the gym today to pump iron! While they started out lifting weights, they soon decided they had something they’d prefer pumping, namely Flex’s hard chocolate cock up Gregory’s thick inviting ass! These ebony studs suck and fuck before getting down to business! Flex pumps and pounds Gregory’s inviting ass deep and hard before both studs knuckle off a creamy white load of goo!

And:

Billy is a male stripper and gets down to his banana hammock every Tuesday and Thursday at the local pub for “Ladies Night”. When I asked him if he’d be willing to give me a private show, he was hesitant, but agreed and soon he was shaking his tush on my “catwalk”, he shook his little tush on my “catwalk”. His tush was so sexy it hurt, so I blew my load all over it.

I wrote all of that crazy shit, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go out and blow some dude and sit on his dick, it’s just words used to describe a scene. Does me using the words “fuck” and “ass” and “cock” make me homophobic, or am I merely stating the facts? If I see a dude with his penis in another man’s mouth, I’m going to call it as I see it and say “he sucked his fucking cock.”

I don’t hate gay people, not at all. Straight people are fucking retarded, they make stupid babies, people like you, at least the only thing gay people create is diarrhoea. Besides, we “extreme metal heads” have to burn down churches to get the religious fanatics up in arms, all two gay dudes need to do is blow each other and the Christian fundamentalists lose their shit. We have to destroy shit and be very vocal and anti-Christian to get any negative attention, all two guys need to do is stick their penises up each others’ butt. That’s so fucking brutal! I could burn down a thousand churches and not cause 1/10000th of an uproar that two guys jacking themselves in the privacy of their own home can do. How can I hate anyone who causes so many religious nut bags to go ape shit just by having sex? That’s fucking amazing!

I admit, I toss around words like “gay” and “fag” and “butt fuck” a lot in reviews, but after a few thousand hours of looking at it and writing about it for work (a job I got paid a decent amount of money doing, by the way, hey… the jobs no one wants to do are usually the ones that pay best, just ask an underwater welder) it tends to become a part of your daily vocabulary. It can cause embarrassment sometimes, like if I go to a restaurant and order “roast beef flaps” or “a mouthwatering slab of veiny pork sausage”, but I do try to keep it under control as best as I can, but sometimes the occasional “turd snurgling” or “rim jobber” will appear in reviews from time to time, it’s just a habit.

If people consider what I say to be “gay bashing” then you’re just way too sensitive and have yet to learn the concept of “sarcasm”. Is it homophobic for the straight members of Kids In The Hall to dress up like women and make gay jokes, despite the fact Scott Thompson has smoked more pole than a Thai hooker? I wish I was a homophobe, that would be great to put on a resume. “Profession: Homophobe. Date of Employment: Birth until today. Job description: Throwing rocks at homosexuals.”

As far as me being violent is concerned, if I were so violent, I’d be in prison for a long time and I probably would have turned to homosexuality by now. I’m not gay, but if I’m stuck in jail for 20 years with no way of getting pussy with the only sex available being from a guy, then I’m going to make fucking sure that I’m on top. For one thing I’d be providing a service to the victims of crime by sodomizing those who hurt them, and if that means I must unsheathe the cock of justice, then that is what I will do. Until then, I’ll stick with vagina, it’s soft, gentle and delicious.

A lot of people have made reference to my age. Because I use words like “fuck” and “shit” and “sodomy” people assume I’m 12 years old. Granted I did use those words a lot when I was 12, and did make a lot of gay, poop and dick jokes, but I’m actually 31 years old. And yes, I am childish. And immature. And opinionated. I’m not professional. I never claimed to be. In fact, I’ve always told people not to take the shit I say personally because I’m not a professional writer, I’m just an opinionated “wind bag” who writes negative reviews of popular music just to get a rise out of people. That’s not to say Death Magnetic was good, god no, that album fucking sucks, both as a Metallica album as well as a heavy metal album in general. All I have to say is; AHA! GOTCHA, BITCH!

I don’t care enough about anything to passionately hate anything, but I am extremely good at pissing people off. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you I spend a lot of time posting on message boards insulting bands, movies, sports teams, energy drinks, absolutely anything people get really passionate about. I don’t even care about the topic, if I slightly dislike something and someone loves it, I’ll go out of my way to piss them off and make the most outlandish remarks just to make them mad because nothing in the world is funnier to me than the inane ramblings of a fucking half wit freaking out over something I don’t care about.

Finally, congratulations on your very important interweb job! Are you the King of Interweblandia? You’re so big and powerful, yet so cowardly you can’t leave a real e-mail address or your name. What, are you afraid I’m going to go to your house and kick your ass? If I had your address I might egg it, or tell other people to, but that’s about it. Well, that and I may make sweet love to your mailbox.

Teufel’s Tomb has been around before Google even existed, so obviously you’re pretty shitty at your job if you’re only just finding it now, but I’ve pissed you off, it only took twelve years, but at least one of us has finally accomplished something worthwhile in their lives.

If you’ll excuse me I’m going to print out this e-mail and rub my cock all over it while pinching my nipples and giggling like a school girl.

Metallica Fans: Nature’s Retard

Teufel — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:44:44 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

PAUL

Date:

September 5, 2008 9:46AM

Subject:

Metallica “Death Magnetic” Review

DEATH MAGNETIC IS THE BEST METALLICA HAVE EVER MADE IT’S GREAT,ORIGINAL,BRILLIANT!!!THE RIFFS ARE INCREDIBLE IT’S REALLY THE SEQUEL OF MASTER OF PUPPETS,IF YOU REALLY LOVE METALLICA THIS IS THE PERFECT ALBUM FOR YOU!!!THEY KICKS FUCKING ASSS!!THIS ALBUM IS PSYCHO!!VERY VERY GOOD ALBUM AND VERY VERY BETTER THAN ST.ANGER.BUY THE ALBUM OR DOWNLOAD IT IT’S REALLY GREAT

Teufel Responds:

Sorry, can you spit Lars Ulrich’s tiny cock out of your mouth? I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Something about a funnel, a gerbil and wanting lay naked in the middle of a Metallica circle jerk. You know what… I really don’t want to hear the details, thanks. Carry on.

What What? In The Butt! What What? In The Butt!

Teufel — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 16:34:43 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

French Gruwer

Date:

August 27, 2008 9:05AM

Subject:

Dragonforce “Ultra Beatdown” Review

Oh, wow! That is the stupidest thing I have ever read. If you’re trying to be ironical, it’s a sheer failure! What you need to keep in mind now, sir, is that you clearly aren’t a reference and that working for such a website or any music magazine doesn’t mean your advice is any worthier than your neighbour’s dog (to start off). I hope you do realize your review is, at best, a huge pile of ultra stinking shit? I didn’t see anything relating to DragonForce‘s latest album? What about the music?! Is it better/worse/whateverer than their previous outing(s)?! Oh, and one last thing. Being gay myself, I can’t resist the urge to tell you to go get some gay friends in order for your dim-witted brain to erase all the clichés you’ve had shoved up the arse during all those years, because you’re clearly not being realistic and rather downright disrespectful (to say the least) to potential gay readers despite your saying you have nothing against homosexuals (haha, that was the best part I guess). No, our arses don’t bleed and we don’t poop funny after sex. Then again, maybe you were just comparing your own horsecock-riding experience with gay sex? If so, I apologize for being so rude! I’m sure I’m manlier than you too! Because you know, gay men don’t necessarily look camp or anything! They can also ooze testosterone etc.! Whoops! I suppose I’ll just leave it at that, go order the Japanese edition of Ultra Beatdown because this album is by far – at least – much better than Inhuman Rampage and, er… let you go visit your inviting vaginas, hoping having a good romp will help your mind get clearer and, maybe, co(s)mically less dumb. *runs away screaming – manly – from this website*

Teufel Responds:

First of all, thank you for proving my point about Dragonforce and their fanbase being homosexuals. People like to claim I’m full of shit, but, here we have proof that guys who get pounded in the pooper are Dragonforce fans.

Does it offend you that as I read this I’m imagining every “s” you type sounds like “th”? Just curious. Not curious in that way, clearly I am an eater of red meat and a lover of vagina, although I do admit to occasionally throwing my hotdog down my girlfriend’s Hershey highway. Sometimes I lick it and stick a finger in it too.

As far as having gay friends go, my friends are gay enough as they are, I don’t need them listening to Dragonforce and turning into bigger queens. To be frank, I know more about gay life than the average bear. Granted, I’ve never experienced the stabbing of my poo or the throating of a kielbasa, but I did spend 5 years working in the porn industry for companies whose primary bread earners were gay porn sites and had to work on a depressingly large amount of time processing gay porn videos to put up on the websites. You’ve probably jerked off to websites I’ve worked on. You should be thanking me for that and giving me a high five, but… I know where your hands have been so I’d rather not.

In those five years I met a lot of gay dudes. A lot! Some of them were very uncomfortably gay, the flaming queens who are more effeminate than women. Then I met some who were butch lesbian gay types, they acted kinda manly but it was just awkward and weird. The rest were pretty normal guys, you’d never know they loved the cock by talking to them, but they did share one common bond; they were all Dragonforce fans. Ironical, ain’t it?

Pakistanis Hate Buttbands… Whatever A Buttband Is…

Teufel — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:55:28 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Corpse Grinder

Date:

July 23, 2008 11:22PM

Subject:

need you help man

Hey man what’s up? I’m the biggest fan of www.teufelstomb.com and I bought every single cd that you praised or recommended on the site and I never found even one of them disappointing. I live in Pakistan and I need your help, the problem is that all of my fellow countrymen think that cradle of filth; children of bodom, disturbed, slipknot, dimmu borgir, and many other shitty buttbands are the heaviest and most talented bands in the world. I just want you to favor me on that forum cuz I can’t beat those motherfuckers alone. Just login, search for black Sunday community from Lahore Pakistan on the site and join it. Then tell them what they are worth. Please man reply soon if you are ready to help me but send me reply to my id only and don’t publish it on the site. Thanks

Teufel Responds:

Let me get this straight. You want me to invade Pakistan, destroy the poseurs with my wit and knowledge of metal and leave them quivering in pain and fear? The last time a white guy started shit with brown people they strapped bombs to their chest and blew themselves up in front of his house. Fuck that! I’m giving them your home address, telephone number and the location of the nearest bomb supply shack.

Arr… Matey! I’m Going To Poop On Your Front Deck… Possibly The Veranda

Teufel — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:54:06 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Frost frosten

Date:

May 30, 2008 6:48AM

Subject:

Hi. a few questions , take a second mate

Ohoy ‘

1. How can you review 3 Cradle of filth albums without listenign to them? cus you state in Cradle Of Filth Nymphetamine – and i quote

“I can honestly say, before today I’d never bothered listening to a single Cradle Of Filth song from any of their previous albums. Perhaps I’m a bit pre-judgmental”

whos the fagget now?.

2. throwing insults is not reviewing , its admitting they sell better than what you listen to, makes you sick i guess.

3. Children Of Bodom is not shit, its amazingly good instrumental

4. Go review Alestorm

Teufel Responds:

1. The only Cradle of Filth album I’ve personally reviewed is Nymphetamine, the others were written by other people, hence why I made that statement. I guess that makes you the faggot now.

2. Throwing insults is throwing insults. Trying to comprehend the gibberish you e-mailed me by mashing your fingers angrily on a keyboard without rhyme or reason is what makes me sick.

3. Again, you are the faggot now.

4. Alestorm are a horrible piece of shit band that dresses up like pirates. I assume this is because they all dabble heavily in homosexuality. You seem to like them. Again, you are the faggot now.

I’ve Given Up Trying To Figure Out What The Fuck These Retards Are Talking About

Teufel — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:50:59 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Rex Tenebrorum

Date:

December 28, 2007 10:36:05 AM

Subject:

HATE MAIL

Hey Teufel’s Tomb,

I am writing from Spain ( I hope you know there it is) and I would like to appear on your “hate Mail”. Yes, yes… I know that the only requirement in order to turn up on this mentiones section is to be a person who doesn’t like you reviews, news… or even you, fucker!.

Now, it’s time to lie, (because I like this fucking website): This website is a pice of crap, i would like to put my fresh shit into your mouths. Do you know how to do a review’. oh, women…. How many times have you listen a extreme metal album?. Let’s me think… just a moment… maybe zero, because it’s evident that you don’t understand the shit of the bands, yeah, bands whose goal is to be popular; selling a lot of lies and poser to be “cool”. You sucks, and your fucking website more.

You can olso publish all message, I don’t care. I wrote these fucking lies because I like shock the fuckers!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO INTERVIEW ONE OF THE BEST BRUTAL DEATH METAL BAND…. BRODEQUIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teufel Responds:

Here we have yet more proof that the IQ of the average death metal fan isn’t high enough to reach room temperature.

I Cannot Wait To Get Back To Mother Russia So I May Caress The Soft Stubble Of My Wife

Teufel — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:49:49 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Dima Korotkov

Date:

September 26, 2007 9:27AM

Subject:

Night WinD

hi!
many times ago we sent you CD The Midnight’s Dances Night WinD!
you wrote that you accepted our CD!
you promised to write your review+interview about us!
we visited your web-site but didn’t find your review+interview about us!
do it please as soon as possible!
write us that you wrote it all!
thanx!
see you!
Night WinD

Teufel Responds:

Nikita Koloff,

You never sent me a CD.
I never told you that I accepted your CD.
I never promised to write a review and interview with your stupid band.
Obviously you didn’t find anything on the site about your band because you never sent me anything you fuckwit.
I’ll get right on reviewing that CD you never sent right away.
Here it is: your band is the gayest gay that’s every gayed a gay.
Thanx!
Fuck you!
TeufeL

Hah-Hah! You Like Mortician… I Think?!?!?

Teufel — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:47:47 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

John

Date:

September 20, 2007 9:57PM

Subject:

Tribute to Mortician

(I would have posted this in your forums but I can’t?)

I don’t understand why Necro-tron was giving tribute so much shit,..– nevermind let me start over. Okay NYDM obviously is just a bunch of old men trying to look tough riding bikes and listening to death metal but I had no idea that, at least the band Mortician itself, refers to itself as a death metal gang. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard all week, and I hear really stupid shit every day trust me.

Mortician obviously just goes for sounding as heavy as possible, with no effort in trying to sound talented. The metal community constantly expects bands to try to fulfill their likes immediately but instead this band does what they want, how they want. They just want to sound heavy as fuck, and I think they’ve achieved that. The only reason I have some respect for them is because of this, they don’t care much about pleasing the public, just about pleasing themselves.

I dunno, giving them that much shit for their image yes, very very very very allowable, but for their music? I don’t know, depends what your criticizing it for. If you want to say it’s hardly heavy you’re an idiot, and just because it’s heavy definitely doesn’t mean it’s good. Oh god, the only song I think that is worth a damn is House by the Cemetery, all other songs can die in a fire.

death metal gangs bahahaha!!! What’re they going to do? I never knew that they referred to themselves as that. Don’t they have some business in Brooklyn too? I can’t believe they haven’t been shot to death yet. Must be the shit music scaring away the real gangsters.

With Love,

Teufel Responds:

I get e-mails like this every other day. I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about either. I never do. I think someone signed me up to a retard mailing list.

Milk, Cookies And An 8″x10″ Of My Cock On Your Forehead

Teufel — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:46:02 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

srgjsj afgns

Date:

August 8, 2007 9:27AM

Subject:

C is for cookie!

[Now what starts with the letter C?
Cookie starts with C
Let's think of other things
That starts with C
Oh, who cares about the other things?]

C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Oh, cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C

[Hey you know what?
A round cookie with one bite out of it
Looks like a C
A round donut with one bite out of it
Also looks like a C
But it is not as good as a cookie
Oh and the moon sometimes looks like a C
But you can't eat that, so ... ]

C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me, yeah!
C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Oh, cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C, yeah!
Cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C, oh boy!
Cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C!

(Cookie Monster eats the cookie)
Umm-umm-umm-umm-umm

Teufel Responds:

Thank you for sending me random Sesame Street related lyrics you found on the internet. I just e-mailed a picture of my cock and balls to your mother.

We’re Always Here To Help… We Just Choose Not To

Teufel — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:44:02 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Paul McGowan

Date:

July 20, 2007 6:30AM

Subject:

RARE SONG LYRICS

HI, I THINK I MAY OF ASKED YOU BEFORE BUT I WILL TRY AGAIN, YOU HAVE BEEN IN THE SEEN FOR A LONG TIME AND I THINK YOU MAY KNOW THE LYRICS TO IDENTIFY THIS SONG.”DOES ANYBODY WONDER, DOES ANYBODY REALLY CARE,” SUNG IN A OLD ENTOMBED STLYLE VOICE, CAN YOU GIVE ME AN NAME AND TITLE, IT’S MID 90′S DEATH METAL, SORRY FOR LACK OF INFO, COULD YOU POSS POST IT IN YOUR FORUM IF YOU DONT KNOW YOURSELF, MUCH APPRECIATED BEEN SEARCHING AT LEAST 12 YEARS, NOBODY KNOWS……………….CHEERS…PAUL

Teufel Responds:

Paul,

I’m so glad you asked this. That is clearly a line from “Stabbing The Scrotum With A Pair Of Rusty Scissors” by Peter And The Pooptricks. How the fuck would I know?

Oh No! Ze Germans Are Angry! Run To The Hills! Run For Your Life!

Teufel — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:42:08 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

bodycounter2

Date:

May 25, 2007 12:08PM

Subject:

Hatemail

Hey Teufel,

I see you are back with your stupid site, filled with even shittier reviews about bands that deserved more than a boring and unnessecary pseudo-review by a dumb Canadian such as yourself. No really, your kind of humor sucks pretty much the rosetta of your mother until it’s covered with bits of shit and dildopieces (wich you shoved in there a long time ago). But I will keep on visiting your page and laugh about your retarded reviews wich sole reason for existence seem to be a joke for everybody to make fun of(f). But Teufel really, why don’t you try dying or something, it would be better for everybody (especially for your family). But I’m quite interested wich answer I will get for this hatemail, but don’t make fun of my shitty language, English isn’t my native tongue. And please spare me from your childhood stories and frozen shit on a stick.

Teufel Responds:

I would respond to this, my little German friend, but I have no idea what the fuck you just said. Instead, I shall just respond through interpretive dance, by which I mean I’m going to go take a shit. Before I go, I have just one question to ask you; my kind of humour sucks the basalt tablet bearing inscriptions in Greek and in Egyptian hieroglyphic and demotic scripts that was discovered in 1799 near Rosetta, a town of northern Egypt in the Nile River delta, and provided the key to the decipherment of Egyptian hieroglyphics… of my mother until it’s covered with bits of shit and dildo pieces which I shoved in there a long time ago? Oh yeah, that totally made sense. Almost as much sense as shiza porn, what is it with you Germans and poop? I can poop on your chest if you want, I ate some Mexican last night so it might be a little watery on the way out, I’d suggest wearing a bib, mein pooper.

I Am Cornholio! I Need TP For My Bunghole! Are You Threatening Me?

Teufel — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:39:11 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

kin kong

Date:

April 3, 2007 4:42 PM

Subject:

good to have you back! or else!

teufel:

i´d like to congratulate you and send you a great hug or maybe the handshaking or the horns sign will do it! nevertheless it´s great to lay my eyes on your pandemonium of rhetorical retort towards the metal scene! i’ve shaken and nodded my metalhead after your reviews however… i give you this much you´re the best of your kind so fuck it! keep up with the gentle art of shredding! 0oo0!

Teufel Responds:

Are you complimenting me or threatening me? Why do you shake after my reviews? Are you hulking up, brotherrrrr, or do you have cerebral palsy?

*walks away slowly without making eye contact*

Your Mom Loves The Cock… Big, Black, Beautiful Cock!

Teufel — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:37:51 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Seth Ramsey

Date:

February 26, 2007 10:26:34 AM

Subject:

I dont like u

I dont like you in fact i thourouly hate your guts and may the skies rain down with hatred of all things toward thee

Teufel Responds:

You are the reason why pregnant women shouldn’t be fucked within a week before giving birth. It seems like the group of hung mandingos who gangbanged your whore of a mother while you were still in the womb managed to dent your soft baby skull causing you to become an irreparable retard.

Shhh… Be Vewy Vewy Quiet, I’m Hunting Wetawds!

Teufel — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:36:14 +0000

To:

Necro-tron

From:

Brecht Declercq

Date:

October 22, 2006 4:24:46 AM

Subject:

hate mail ^^

http://www.teufelstomb.com/reviews/inquest-thecomatosequandaries/ noob… How can you write a objective review if you keep on comparing a band with other bands????

Teufel Responds:

Shhhh… be vewwwy quiet! It’s wetawd season and I’m hunting wetawds! Wook at him in his majestic gwowy, covewed in dwoow, beating his chest and dwagging his knuckwes on the gwound. We don’t wwite objective weviews, you wascawwy wetawd! We awe subjective wike a moffafuckaw up in dis biatch, you fucking wetawd!

I’m Not Gay, But I Can Learn… I Just Don’t Want To

Teufel — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 01:33:14 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Zoch Sirotkin

Date:

October 9, 2006 11:51:59 PM

Subject:

this website is shit

Damn, your website consists of some of the most bullshit material ive seen in years. First of all, if your going to review a genre of music,review a genre of music u actually like. The only positive reviews ive seen are the ones on music that sounds like someone putting rocks in a blender. 99% percent of your reviews are negative. Its similar to getting a skinhead to review jimmy buffet. Try to review less actual music, like death metal and black metal, and more rock grinding, nails against a chalkboard…..noise. it seems more to your taste.

Teufel Responds:

Damn, Zoch, your email consists of the most cock smuggling fudge packery I’ve read in years. First of all, if you’re going to suck cock, pick a big cock, because we both know how much you love the cock. I’ve only heard positive reviews of cock from you, you like them big, you like them small, you like them in your mouth and even in your ass. 99% of the cock you enjoy is white cock. Sometimes you get a hankering for some dark meat though, you just love wrapping your lips around a fat steaming slab of chocolate man meat. Try to spend less time talking about cock, and more time sucking cock, because the more time you spend with your mouth, ass and fists full of cock, the less time I have to spend spurning your advances. I love vagina and breasts, you have neither, please stop hitting on me, you’re only embarrassing yourself.

Sometimes I Park In Handicapped Spaces While Handicapped People Make Handicapped Faces

Teufel — Sat, 28 Jan 2006 14:12:32 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Raven Lao

Date:

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 07:12:33 -0800 (PST)

Subject:

shut your fucking mouth

Youre a fucking asshole. You blast good bands like
Bodom and youre the piece of shit. Bodom is a great
band. They have millions of fans, and what do you have
except a blow up doll that sits in a corner
because even that rejects you. So do everyone a favor
and go fucking die.

To:

Teufel

From:

~*Rock Like its the 70′s and 80′s*~

Date:

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 10:41:14 +0100

Subject:

about Children of bodom

First things first, i just read your review at your stupid fucking web site about children of bodom‘s are you dead yet. Man, you couldnt make a metal album that good if you tried and maybe you should take some guitar lessons yourself asshole before going off on other’s abilities.

Personally, your reviews are shitty and the bands you talk shit about should beat your ass.

swallows some fucking cyanide and call it a day.

thanks

Teufel Responds:

Two minds, same thoughts. What are you, gay lovers? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m sure King Anus would love to spread your buttcheeks apart and cram things into your asses while jerking you off, and chances are if you listen to Children Of Bodom you’d be totally into that, however….

I didn’t write that particular review, although I agree with it and feel the new Children Of Bodom pretty much sucks and blows. Your logic confuses me, however; since I’m apparently being an asshole and insulting bands, they should beat my ass. By the same logic, doesn’t that mean I should beat your ass because you don’t like my reviews? I don’t think it would take me very long to beat up a 19 year old with an emo haircut as gay as yours, Mister "Rocks Like its the 70s and 80s".

For future reference: if you’re going to try to be tough on the internet, don’t do it from an account where there’s a link to pictures of yourself, especially since you look about as grim, evil and kvlt as one of the kids from Hanson… any of them.

As for Raven Lao… THE piece of shit? I’m not just A piece of shit, but now I am THE piece of shit. Well… a piece really isn’t that big. I went to school with a kid who once ate a dog turd. Well, actually, it was frozen and someone kicked it and it hit him in the mouth. He wound up spitting it out. It was pretty disgusting, but at the same time it was by far one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Actually, a frozen dog turd to the mouth is way more entertaining than Children Of Bodom, and infinitely more fun than listening to fans of said band drone on and on and on because someone thinks they suck. Even if I didn’t think they suck, which they do, you’ve still got to contend with the 6.4 BILLION people in the world who think Children Of Bodom, and anything even remotely "metal" is complete and utter shit. Why must I, and the rest of the world, have to suffer listening to your incessant whining because you are an insecure pissant who can’t handle the fact that you have crap taste in music? Just acknowledge the fact your taste in music is crap, cry yourselves to sleep while fantasizing about Alexi Laiho giving you a reach around and live in sadness forever knowing that as gay as you become you will never be feminine enough to satisfy his carnal buttcravings.

Pee Poo Bum Dinky

Teufel — Fri, 25 Nov 2005 17:41:26 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Hinko Vinko

Date:

Fri, 25 Nov 2005 10:41:14 +0100

Subject:

teufelstomb

Hi guys!

I read your reviews for some time. Some are funny, but i think that you are just
to rude. As i read your hate mail, man what a answers ?! Rude to everbody,
somebody want to tell you that he disagree with smth and you attack him with all
that shity language. Everbody can write "bad words" and that is not original
today. Or critisize music in so unmannered way. You must have big problems in your
life, i suggest you to do some music, put it on internet and we will see how
"good" you are. I dont understand have some reviews can be "normal", others just
tearing apart from words like gay, shit, crap, insulting band members and their
music, insulting people who are writing to you. Maybe you want to be "special",
not like other 1000000000000000000000 of pages with reviews. Man who insults
will be insulted, like man who kill will be killed. And if you think word "gay"
or "shit" in something terrifying new you are damned wrong. Put your songs on
internet and we will review it. I know that your answer to my writing will be in
sense of, you are stupid fuck who deserves to die, killing his mothe and father
because they made him etc. etc. Pretty original isn it ? Everbody can be rude,
but not enerbody can be man. Oh, i forgot you suggested so many bands what to
change so you must have great "influence" or just you are just dreaming with
opened eyes?
BTW, sorry for my english, im not from English spoken country. And i dont care,
like for you "original" answer.

Teufel Responds:

Stinko Dinko,

As per usual I’m very happy to hear from my fans, especially the ones who get offended easily over stupid shit that is completely irrelevant. Your complete lack of coherence only helps to make this e-mail even more amazing.

"I know that your answer to my writing will be in sense of, you are stupid fuck who deserves to die, killing his mothe and father because they made him etc. etc."

That’s fucking awesome. I don’t understand what any of it means, but you seem tense. Pinko, my friend, relax… have a bath, get a nice glass of Beaujolais, maybe smoke a joint or two, jerk off to some pornography or maybe even meditate. Here’s the great secret of metal; it’s stupid. As a fan of metal, you too, are stupid, and, judging by your e-mail, you are stupid and angry. Anger isn’t healthy. You should go hug someone. Hug your mom. Hug your dad. Hug a tree. Whatever it is you hug, just make sure you do it with a clear mind and a warm heart.

I’m glad you mention my former bands and the music we created. You see, I was, indeed, in bands, and I realized that metal was stupid, so I wrote every lyric to all 17 of our songs using the same four words; Pee. Poo. Bum. Dinky. Sadly, as stupid as that was, it’s still not as stupid as complaining about some guy on a website making fun of people for sending him stupid e-mails… like this one. You know what, Dinko Stinko? You were right. You should die, killing your mothe and father because they made you… whatever that means. Jesus, after reading this I think I’ve become stupider. I’m going to go fart and laugh at my own ass. Life is good.

STOP WHINING! YOU KIDS ARE SOFT. YOU LACK DISCIPLINE!

Teufel — Wed, 12 Oct 2005 15:52:31 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Mark Sanjar Umarov

Date:

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 08:52:06 -0500

Subject:

who are you? what music do you actually listen to, I’m just dying to know

Teufel Responds:

I’m Detective John Kimble. I’m a cop, you idiot! Now I’m going to ask you a bunch of questions and I want you to answer immediately. Who are you? You lack discipline! You son of a bitch! I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I’m going to ram it into your stomach!

Dude, Bro! Sick, Bro! Bro, Bro! Bro!

Teufel — Tue, 04 Oct 2005 16:07:19 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Varela, Jordan

Date:

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 09:07:46 -0500

Subject:

HEY BRO, JORDAN FROM LUST OF DECAY…

Hey curious…did you think that your review was funny of us? I think it is great…Me being gay…no sir..just ask your mom, she’ll let you know how much I love that Canadian "bacon" she provides…on a serious note…I think you will thoroughly enjoy our new release…it is phenomenal….and negative criticism is always accepted…it just lets me know that I am doing my job correctly when I go to places like Germany and Holland and people recognize me at death fests as the fucking man on drums! and yes, my physique is pretty awesome also. You should try lifting weights instead of the vasoline bottle once in a while.

Teufel Responds:

Do I think that review was funny of you? No, I take full credit for the hilarity of the review, but I will give you credit for giving me an easy target to ridicule. I also congratulate you for being recognized outside of America as the drummer of some shitty death metal band, this must be a great accomplishment for you. I just know you as the guy who pumps my gas, bags my groceries and drives my pizza to my door in 30 minutes or it’s free. As far as my physique goes, I’m not fat, I’m just big boned, just ask your mother. Wooo!!!!

Thank you, I’m here all week.

Yabba Dabba Fuck You!

Teufel — Tue, 27 Sep 2005 22:35:07 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Dylan Humphries

Date:

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 15:35:54 -0500

Subject:

yabba..

Hi you guys, just managed to check out your site after hearing about it.. Thought it was fucking cool and really loved your reviews that obviously dont have top suck anyone off. But, seriously… REALITY CHECK on Epitaph by Necrophagist. I cant believe you guys who obviously have a massive overview of the scene and hear so many different bands failed to notice the importance of this album. Please Re-review it. The songs are catchy as fuck. Technicality does not always mean wankyness and this is really only a hangup of ROCK fans who are intimidated by the complexity and technicality of metal. The album is a masterpiece.
Your site rules but this was an unjust review that sucked.

Your thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Dylan, ENGLAND

Teufel Responds:

Dearest Dylan,

Get fucked, you wanker!

Love always,

Teufel

Today’s Lesson: How To Become A Homosexual, Step 1 – Listen To Cradle Of Filth

Teufel — Mon, 05 Sep 2005 00:54:10 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Brian

Date:

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 17:54:43 -0500

Subject:

Teufel’s Tomb

Hi. I just discovered your site like 3 weeks ago and I like it very much. The reviews are very well thought out and well written….except for the Cradle of filth reviews. I am a huge Cradle of filth fan and I don’t understand why you guys are so biased. Your review is the closest thing to an actual review of one of thier albums on this site. Ed made a note under his ‘review’ of my favorite Cradle of filth cd cruelty and the beast stating that if anyone wanted to be made fun of for listeing to them, then all they had to do was ask. Do you know how I can get a hold of him? I’d like to ask him some specific questions about what he found so ‘gay’ about the album. Anyway, cool site despite my complaints haha I know there’s a lot of scenes and biases and losers in the scene that people try to, as rock fans, disassociate with, and I’m sure that that’s all that’s going on here. So keep up the good work. I am impressed with the other reviews and the layout of your site.Cheers!

Teufel Responds:

"Ed" is short for "Editor" which would be me, the same person you praised for writing "the closest thing to an actual review" of one of their albums. Y’know… I bet you’re probably feeling pretty stupid right now, and if you aren’t, just so you know, that was really stupid and you should be ashamed, I’m sure your parents certainly are, and with good reason. As far as what I found so "gay" about Cradle Of Filth, let me see… grown men wearing tight latex, leather and make-up with a vocalist who sings like he’s being stabbed in the asshole whilst some wanker diddles his keyboard. Hold on, hold on… let me get King Anus I in on this… what say you, queercakes?

King Anus I Responds:

I’m proud of who I am, but even I wouldn’t prance around wearing lipstick, eyeliner and latex outfits. I know drag queens who dress less provocatively than that. His outfits just scream "Bend me over and be my daddy!" I realize there are a lot of young girls into the band, and that’s fine; good girls like Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys and bad girls like Marilyn Manson and Evanesence, but any lads into this sort of music will wake up one morning to find their penis fell off and they’ve suddenly grown an axewound.

Before I forget, Toofie, are you still having problems with your lady friend? You know if you ever need a shoulder to lean on, I’m here for you, and I’m not just saying that because she told me you’re hung like a monkey’s arm.

Teufel Responds:

Though I deny nothing that she’s told you, I’m still not gay.

King Anus I Responds:

…but you can learn…

Teufel Responds:

Is step one listening to Cradle Of Filth?

King Anus I Responds:

Becoming a fan of any drag queen is certainly a step in the right direction.

Teufel Responds:

I rest my case.

The Answer To Life’s Greatest Mystery

Teufel — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 00:00:57 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

Gabriel The Great

Date:

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 17:00:33 -0500

Subject:

i hate you

I hate you all! why wont you die?

Seithan the great

Teufel Responds:

Because you touch yourself at night.

I’m Huge In The Philippines, Baby!

Teufel — Fri, 08 Jul 2005 07:01:22 +0000

To:

Teufel

From:

aniceto sadiang-abay

Date:

Fri, 8 Jul 2005 00:01:31 -0700 (PDT)

Subject:

hello

HELLO TEUFELS TOMB

ippines,20 years of age,and i played the drum in a band and we played thrash and metal music,but i like metal so much…especially your band and you played..i always surf your website and i always open it..

i cant live without metal music when i grow in the world of music..i really admired you and i always want to become like your band.. when i open your site i always go to your free site and free music out there and always wanted to have it..that is why im here atyour and begly asking your free CD,any CD from your band,even an old album or your present music album..please…

i know you will your support a small musician like me to become great someday like you..i hope you will given me a chance to have it..please..i begly ask and wait for goodness..i hope you will given me a chance to have it..and i promise to spread the word aboutyour band here…

i hope and i expect to you,i know you can do it..KEEP PLAYIN and ROCKIN..PLESAE RESPONSE

THANKS

JOHN

Teufel Responds:

John! First off, I’m glad you’ve chosen me as a role model, this proves that you are on the right track and on your way to greater awesomeness! Even though the only band I’m a member of is the band in my brain that I like to call the "Ultra Brutal Squirrel Smashers", I’m ecstatic to know I have fans of my unique musical stylings. With your immense telepathic abilities you must spend your days, nights, and even weekends, thrashing out to the massive amount of metal that my brain comes up with; love ballads like "My Poop Smells Like Roses", "Papa Smurf Was A Hippy" and the ditty I’m sure you hum to yourself in the shower "My Pee Pee Is Like A Lava Lamp".

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to figure out a way to take my thoughts and convert them to CD, but as soon as I’m able, you’d better believe I’m going to be calling up Scott Burns to record it and get Tue Madsen to master it. It will be glorious!

Of course, since you are telepathic, I feel I should apologize for that thing I thought of the other day involving the monkey, the dildo and the power drill. It was first thing in the morning, I hadn’t had my daily dose of caffeine, I was a little hung over, I had morning wood and hadn’t fully woken up yet. Actually, I blame it entirely on the cheese I ate the night before. Yes…. the cheese….

Until then, keep tuning into my brainwaves every day from 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday, and tell all of your other telepathic friends to tune in as well, although I’d recommend not tuning in between 5pm and 9am or on weekends as there’s an increased possibility of monkey, dildo and power drill dreams reoccurring… regularly…

Until next time, rock hard or don’t rock at all!