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Cesspool Of Vermin: So Brutal They Hurt My Brain…

To:

Teufel

From:

Cesspool of Vermin

Date:

June 27, 2009 5:23AM

Subject:

Cesspool Of Vermin “Beastial Necrophilia” Review

Hi guys this is Derek from Cesspool of Vermin! Thanks for the cheesy, horrible review! We appreciate it! hahaha! Oh yeah! If you don’t like our shit… fuck you in the mouth! We play what we want & have fun doing it, so… chug a dick!

Teufel Responds:

hahahaha… okay, these guys obviously didn’t like the review, but they’re laughing it off, that’s cool… oh, wait… what’s that?

To:

Teufel

From:

Cesspool Vermin

Date:

June 28, 2009 6:19AM

Subject:

Cesspool of Vermin

Ummmm… who told you guys you could post one of our tracks on your site? I’m gonna ask politely for you to take it down OR you can consult with us & we can choose a track for you to post. If you won’t agree to that I’ll contact our record label & he can contact the proper authorities. Thanks.

Teufel Responds:

Perhaps I was a little hasty in assuming these guys were intelligent to just laugh this off and walk away. Seems like they’re mighty butthurt to be complaining about free publicity for their stupid band. Normally I’d just tear into these fools and mock them relentlessly, but I’ll play it cool…

To:

Cesspool Vermin

From:

Teufel

Date:

June 28, 2009 2:12AM

Subject:

Re: Cesspool of Vermin

Enclosed is a copy of the e-mail from Barrett at Sevared Records giving me permission to post samples from albums he’s released. The e-mail is dated June 7th, 2009. The review for your album, along with the audio clip, was posted June 8th, 2009. I don’t post audio samples unless first being given permission by the label or band (if it’s a demo or self-released effort). The audio samples enable the reader to listen to the music themselves and form their own opinion, if they listen to it and like it, links are provided for where the album can be purchased legally.

If you want me to remove the sample, I will, no problem, but I’m not going to waste the time, effort or bandwidth on uploading a different track.

- Eric
http://www.teufelstomb.com/

Teufel Responds:

That’s much more mature than I tend to handle things. *pats self on the back* Well done, sir. Oh wait…

To:

Teufel

From:

Cesspool Vermin

Date:

June 28, 2009 4:33PM

Subject:

Re: Cesspool of Vermin

Take it down.

On a personal note: I don’t appreciate the sarcastic way you guys reviewed our album. You could have rated it a zero & been professional & stated the reasons why you didn’t like it & I wouldn’t have cared, but the review you posted makes a mockery out of us. Fuck that. We’ve never disrespected you & we don’t appreciate it.

Teufel Responds:

These guys write songs about fucking dead dogs and they don’t appreciate sarcasm and humor? This guy is clearly a retard. Time to incite some angry keyboard mashing from this tool.

*removes audio sample from the review and replaces it with the following text*
[Audio sample has been removed at the band's request. I wonder if they bree-bree-bree when they cry themselves to sleep at night? - Teufel]

To:

Teufel

From:

Cesspool Vermin

Date:

June 29, 2009 4:37PM

Subject:

Re: Cesspool of Vermin

I see your little smart ass remark on your page asshole. You better hope I never see you in person.

Teufel Responds:

Why? Are you planning on sucking my dick?

To:

Cesspool Vermin

From:

Teufel

Date:

June 29, 2009 6:59PM

Subject:

Re: Cesspool of Vermin

I think it’s pretty fucking awesome that you guys write an album with songs about dead dog fucking, rape and all of the other fucking retarded “controversial” shit you can think of to get attention, then the moment someone gives you the negative attention you so desperately crave you cry about it. You write songs about fucking dead dogs.

On a related note, don’t fucking threaten me. It’s not my fault or my problem you have thin skin and can’t handle a joke, despite the fact that you WRITE SONGS ABOUT FUCKING DEAD DOGS! “You better hope I never see you in person.” Why? Are you going to cry when I tell you your band sucks to your face? You’re sure doing a lot of boo-hooing behind your computer screen there, tough guy. “Take down the audio clip, you’re making fun of me!” Yeah… I’m fucking terrified.
Grow up.

- Eric
http://www.teufelstomb.com/

Teufel Responds:

Sad and pathetic finger mashing and Photoshopping coming in 3-2-1…

To:

Teufel

From:

Cesspool Vermin

Date:

June 29, 2009 7:26PM

Subject:

Re: Cesspool of Vermin

Fuck you fat boy. I’ll whip your fucking ass. You don’t fucking know me. I’ll see you out at a show some time & I’ll knock some of that fat of your goddamn jaw.

Teufel Responds:

He Photoshopped an old picture of me making a stupid face onto his album cover. I don’t know if you can read what it says in the bubble but it says… “Hi, my name is Eric & I’m a fat fucking slob that sits behind my computer all day & talks shit about people. I could never join a Death Metal band so now I just write half ass reviews! Damn, I’m a loser!”

hahahaha… what a fucking retard. I never wrote the review, but he’s turning this into a personal grudge because he can’t handle criticism. He doesn’t stop there though…

Cesspool Of Vermin’s MySpace page:

TEUFEL’S TOMB WANTS TO TALK SHIT? WE CAN DO THAT TOO!

It’s recently been brought to my attention that Teufel’s Tomb didn’t care for our album & wrote a smart ass review of it talking shit. Well… we here at the Cesspool camp are masters of shit talking & retaliation. Here’s what I think of Eric Crookes & Teufel’s Tomb.

If you don’t like fat, shit talking queers that trash Metal bands for no reason go over to http://www.teufelstomb.com & let them know how you feel! Or even better! Write this douchebag up & let him feel the hate!

Eric Crookes
PO Box 54519
Highgate Village
7155 Kingsway
Burnaby, BC V5E 4J6
CANADA
On a personal note Eric… it’s not our fault you could never make it in a Death Metal band & your stuck writing shitty reviews. I guess you just weren’t good enough. Goddamn fat jawed James Hetfield looking, lamb chop facial hair, no talent havin’ ass motherfucker! hahaha!

Teufel Responds:

This coming from a dude who looks like this:

I wonder if he grows his beard like that to give his dad something to hold onto when he fucks his purty lil mouth.

He goes on…

Cesspool Of Vermin’s MySpace Bulletin:

A Cancer To Metal! READ!

I’ve been looking at reviews & comments over at the Teufel’s Tomb site & these guys are just bashing all kinds of bands. They talk shit, clown the bands & just plain say disrespectful things. I think it’s pretty fucked up they claim to be Metal & talk all that shit. They rated the new Pestilence album as “Mediocre” WTF! That’s insane! That album rips! These motherfuckers are a disease to Metal. I’d like to run in to their crew at a show somewhere & show them what Metal really is!! Go over to their site & retaliate! I’ve been giving them my two cents all night. Bunch of internet warriors talking shit behind a computer screen all day. How brutal…

Teufel Responds:

My “crew”? Are you planning a dance off?

I think it’s pretty awesome that, rather than just stick with the decent publicity from a review with audio sample from the website, he’s instead decided to aim to get as much negative publicity for himself and his band as possible, and has not only made himself look like an overly sensitive girl who can’t handle a joke, he’s dragged his entire band into it as well and made them all look like a bunch of retards by association. Then again… drummer Jordan Varela has already tried starting shit with me before.

If you can’t handle criticism, don’t play music that is liked by only 0.00001% of the world’s population because while a handful of people will like it, the rest of the world will be more than happy to tell you you fucking suck!

Please continue angrily mashing your fat fingers on your keyboard. The angrier you are, the funnier this shit gets.

“WE ARE Cesspool of Vermin AND WE CAN’T TAKE A JOKE OR HANDLE CRITICISM… BREEEE!!!! BRREEEEEE!!!! BREEEEEEEE!!!!!!! *sniffle* *sniffle* BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

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Earache Records: Not Only Do They Suck, They’re Also Stupid

To:

Earache PR Department

From:

Teufel

Date:

May 30, 2009 1:43 PM

Subject:

Seeking permission to post streaming audio samples with reviews

Hey,

Just a quick e-mail to see if it’s okay if I post audio samples of Earache Records releases in reviews on Teufel’s Tomb. Rather than leave people to make decisions based on my inane rambling, I’m giving them an option to check it out for themselves and form their own opinion. I also include links to where they can purchase the releases.

Here’s an example;
http://www.teufelstomb.com/reviews/ulcerate-everythingisfire/

Clips are streaming audio, non-downloadable. If it’s cool with you guys, I’ll post samples along with reviews, if not, I won’t. Let me know!

Cheers!

- Eric : http://www.teufelstomb.com/

To:

Teufel

From:

Earache PR Department

Date:

June 1, 2009 3:04 PM

Subject:

Seeking permission to post streaming audio samples with reviews

“The current Earache roster is pretty weak, so it’s no surprise the label continues to churn out re-issue after re-issue of their earlier releases.” (taken from Metal News article Earache Looking To Cash In On A Re-Release Of Blessed Are The Sick)

with your readers potentially being influenced by statements like that and headlines about us “cashing in”, I’m going to have to pass.

Anthony Guzzardo
North American Press Manager
Earache Records

Teufel Responds:

I’m still on the promo list, so they still encourage me to write reviews for their new releases and interview their bands, however it’s not okay for me to give their bands free publicity in the form of streaming non-downloadable audio samples (free of charge, using my own bandwidth) to go with the reviews we write so the readers can form their own opinions on the music because I publicly called them on their bullshit. Even Relapse, who I rip mercilessly for releasing crappy albums, were totally cool with me posting streaming audio clips to accompany the new reviews, and I’m not even on their press list! hahahahaha… awesome!

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Hi! My Name Is Teufel And I’m A Violent Homophobe Because Metallica Is Gay!

To:

Teufel

From:

SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU

Date:

September 13, 2008 1:21PM

Subject:

Metallica “Death Magnetic” Review

Ladies and Gents, this is the definition of a complete GAY BASHING,VIOLENT JACKOFF who actually thinks, PEOPLE LISTEN TO HIM, PEOPLE CARE WHAT HE SAYS, OR LET ALONE, WHAT HE THINKS! OK, 1st let’s say fuck a lot. I guess he needs attention badly. I can be really cool and get people’s attention if a curse a lot, or make gay loving, or gay bashing comments. Now if he IS gay, that is fine and I have no problem with someone being gay and expressing themselves. But a gay basher is another story. But God forbid he can actually write a review of an album without cursing, personal feelings. His words actually lack professing ANY SORT OF biased, or actual musical knowledge. Let me rip on the entire Metal head population because I KNOW THEY ARE MORONS. PEOPLE, I AM YOUR MASTER, AND YOU ALL BOW DOWN TO ME AND WHAT I SAY! YEAH WHATEVER!….I GUESS HE IS GOING TO TIE THEM UP AND WHIP THEM LATER..HMM I SENSE A THEME GROWING AND CUMMING ON. (SOB..SORRY MY CAPS LOCK JAMMED) SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? TELL YOUR FRIENDS, PASS IT ALONG, AND STOP GOING TO THIS GUYS PAGE FOR HE IS NOT WORTH IT. I GET MORE IMPORTANT, AND BETTER INFORMATION FROM MY 5 YEAR OLD KID WHO IS IN MENSA! NOW I SPEND EASILY OVER 100 HRS A WEEK ONLINE FOR MY COMPANY, GOING THROUGH AND SEEKING OUT WEBSITES, SEEKING NEW ONES THAT PEOPLE ARE NOT AWARE OF THAT ARE UNIQUE, HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY OR SELL. I HAVE BROKEN HUNDREDS OF STORIES ABOUT WEB SITES LIKE GOOGLE..NAPSTER, BUY.COM PETS.COM, AND MORE. I AM SEARCHING TO SEE IF THERE IS SOME NEW TALENT OUT THEIR, OR WEB SITE THAT HAS SERIOUS POTENTIAL. AND LADIES N GENTS, THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM. I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THIS JACKOFF AND I HAVE BROKEN STORIES ABOUT UPSTARTS, OR LITTLE KNOW SITES THAT BECOME POPULAR AND MUCH BIGGER FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS, I HAVE NEVER, EVER, HEAR OF THIS MORON. SOMEONE SAID THEY SAW A REVIEW BY SOME ASSHOLE ONLINE AND I SHOULD CHECK IT OUT. OK I CAN DO THAT, IT IS MY JOB TO SEEK OUT NEW TALENT. FINE. 2 SENTENCES IN, I ALREADY KNOW THIS IS A WASTE OF MY TIME AND EVERYONE’S ENERGY. HIS REMARK OF “MAN FRANCISCO” IS ALREADY HEADING DOWN THE GAY AND LESBIAN HIGHWAY. AS HE CLEARLY SHOWS, IN NOT SAYING “SAN FRANCISCO” AND INSTEAD “MAN FRANCISCO”, HE IS A GAY BASHER. I AM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY “MAN” WAS USED. OK, THEY RHYME. THEY ARE GROUP WHO ARE FROM SAN FRAN. SO MAN FRANCISCO MUST BE BECAUSE HE IS EITHER GAY LOVER, OR A GAY BASHER. BY STATING “MAN” HE IS SHOWING HIS TRUE COLORS. BUT LET’S GO ON. BECAUSE NOW HIS GAY LOVING, OR GAY BASHING TENDANCIES ARE FLOWING. HE STARTED WITH “MAN” FRANCISCO AND WE ALL KNOW HAS A VERY LARGE GAY AND LESBIAN POPULATION. RIPPNG INTO THE ALBUM ART COVER IS FINE IF ONE DOES NOT LIKE IT, BUT HE TAKES IT TOO ANOTHER GAY/SEXUAL LEVEL YET ONCE MORE. AS FOR MYSELF, SO FAR, OUT OF READING THOUSANDS OF POSTS ON MESSAGE BOARDS FOR R.S. MAGAZINE, SPIN, THE METCLUB WEB SITE, YAHOO MUSIC, AOL MUSIC, GOOGLE MUSIC, REAL PLAYER, AND HUNDREDS MORE, HE HAS THE HONOR OF BEING THE 1ST AND ONLY ONE TO SAY THAT THE COVER LOOKS LIKE A MAN’S REAR END, AND WHAT THEIR ANUS LOOKS LIKE. DO WE NOW FULLY UNDERSTAND WHERE HE IS CUMMING FROM. HIS REMARKS ABOUT THIS ALBUM NOT SOUNDING AS ENTERTAINING AS MASTER, RIDE, OR KILL, AND THE BLACK ALBUM IS PREPOSPEROUS. DO THEY SOUND LIKE THOSE ALBUMS, OF COURSE NOT. EACH ONE WAS AND HAS THEIR OWN UNIQUE SOUND. DOES THIS ALBUM TRACE BACK TO THEIR ROOTS OF HEAVY MELODIC RIFFS, AMAZING SOLOS, HEART POUNDING DRUMS AND JAMES ANGERNG VOICE? YES IT DOES. DOES IT RESEMBLE ANY OF THE EARLY ALBUMS. NOT SPECIFICALLY IT DOESN’T. WHAT IT DOES HARKEN BACK TOO IS THE SPEED AND TENACITY OF THEIR YOUTH. NOW WHAT BAND HAS PUT OUT AN ALBUM THAT HAD A BAD NAME/S THAT DO NOT MAKE SENSE? HOW MANY RUN THROUGH YOUR MIND? BUT YET, HE DOES NOT MENTION OTHER NAMES, HE ONLY TALKS ABOUT A MAN HAIRY BUT AND ANUS. NICE..YEP, WE KNOW WHERE IS IS CUMMING FROM AND CONCENTRATING ON! NOW HE FINALLY MENTIONS THE MUSIC. SORTA. AGAIN WE ARE ARE ENTERTAINED WITH THE WORD FUCK OVER AND OVER AGAIN. BUT WE ARE QUICKLY BACK TO THE VIOLENCE AND BASHING. BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO COMPARE THE ALBUM TOO THE CLASSIC MASTER OF PUPPETS, WHILE HE DOESN’T AGREE WITH THEM, HE WANTS TO CAUSE THEM SERIOUS BODILY INJURY FOR NOT AGREEING WITH THEM. WHEN HE CONTINUES ON, WE ARE NOW NOTICING THAT BESIDES BEING EITHER A GAY LOVER, OR A GAY BASHER, HE IS A COMPLETELY UNSATISFIED GAY LOVER OR BASHER WHO HAS NO PATIENCE WHATSOEVER FOR ANYTHING LONGER THAN 2 MINUTES AS HE STATED VEHEMINTLY. WOW, LOOKEE HERE, SOME ACTUALLY MUSICAL KNOWLEDGE! WE ARE BLESSED! WITH A RUN ON SENTENCE! DAMN. OH WELL THAT LASTED LONG. WE ARE BACK TO HIS UNSATISFYING LIFE WHERE HE IS NEVER HAPPY, NOR SATISFIED AS HE HAS NO PATIENCE AGAIN. BUT WE CAN ADD IN NOW THAT HE CAN’T “THRASH” AROUND LIKE HE DID WHEN HE WAS A EXPERIMENTAL TEENAGER.(AKA- JUMP AROUND WITH FLAILING ARMS WILDY PUNCHING (AGAIN WITH THE VIOLENCE) UNKNOWN PEOPLE, WHILE RUNNING IN A SMALL CIRCLE. BUT HE ALSO CAN’T “TAP HIS TOES” LIKE A RHYTHMIC TAP DANCER PERFORMING IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE WEARING PINK TUTU’S. NOW I AM CONFUSED. HE STATES THAT HE CAN NO LONGER THRASH AROUND LIKE THE EXPERIMENTAL TEEN HE WAS, BECAUSE THE MUSIC IS DULL, BORING AND REHASHED FROM THE JUSTICE AND LOAD ALBUM. YET HE HEARS RIFFS AND PARTS IN EVERY SONG, AND THINKS, “HEY, I KNOW THAT RIFF FROM LOAD, THAT FOLLOW WAS FROM MASTER OF PUPPETS. SO HE KNOWS HE IS HEARING SOME RIFFS FROM THE CONTINUATION OF THE MASTER OF PUPPETS RECORD, WHICH IS A THRASH METAL CLASSIC, BUT THEN SAYS THAT IT TENDS TO BE SIMPLISTIC THRASH ROCK IN NATURE”. SO IF IT IS THRASH, BE IT SIMPLITIC THRASH, AND HAS SOME RIFFS FROM THOSE CLASSIC ALBUMS, WHY CAN’T HE THRASH AROUND AND RUN IN A CIRCLE WITH BARE CHESTED MEN HITTING UNKNOWN PEOPLE AROUND HIM? HMMM? WELL WE KNOW HE IS IMPATIENT AND QUICKLY SATISFIIED IN 2 MINUTES OR LESS. WAIT, WHAT’S THIS? AN ACTUAL REVIEW? SO HE DOES FINALLY SAY THAT THE ALBUM IS GOOD AND THE BEST ONE IN 17 YEARS. SO THEREFOR, IT DOES NOT SUCK, AND HE DOES LIKE IT. IF THE ALBUM REALLY SUCKED, AND HE REALLY HEATED IT, THEN HE SHOULD HAVE SAID, I DON’Y LIKE IT BECAUSE THIS ALBUM SUCKS AND LOAD, RE-LOAD AND ST. ANGER ARE BETTER THEN IT. BUT HE DOES NOT. YOU CANNOT SAY THE ALBUM IS THE BEST ONE IN 17 YEARS, BUT ACTUALY MEAN, IT REALLY SUCKS. THIS IDIOT IS THE COMPLETE DEFINITION OF A JACKOFF LOSER WHO NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP IMMEDIATELY! BESIDES BEING A RUDE, OBNOXIOUS, TWO FACED, SIDE STEPPING BACK TALKER, IN ACTUALITY, HE IS ALSO A EXTREMELY VIOLENT, SELF ABSORBED, PRETENIOUS HOMOPHOBIC GAY BASHING GAS BAG, WHO IS COMPLETELY UNSATISFIED IN LIFE AND ANYTHING OVER 2 MINUTES IN LEGNTH HE CAN’T BE BOTHERED WITH. YOUR RIGHT, THIS IS A TOMB. BURY IT, AND BE LEFT UNTOUCHED FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS!

Teufel Responds:

I’ve received a lot of criticism for my review of Metallica’s Death Magnetic, but this one is certainly the longest, filled with the most grammatical errors and capital letters. You touch on a lot of points other people have made about that particular review, so I’ll respond to it.

Me being a “violent homophobe” is the most fucking hilarious thing I’ve ever heard. First of all, I don’t mind gay men, I’m not into them, but what they do in public or in private really doesn’t bother me. The reason for this is that I worked in the porn industry as a web/graphic designer for five years. In those five years I’ve had to work on a lot of gay porn sites. I have personally airbrushed poopstains off of pictures of the butt holes of more gay porn stars than I care to count. Don’t believe me? Head over to Male Video Network, Bareback My Ass, Patriot Ass, Brutha Love, Real Men Bareback, Hot Hairy Holes and Street Bait to see samples of my work. I airbrushed every photo, I captured every video and encoded it and I wrote every description on all of those sites. Descriptions like;

Flex Deon Blake and Gregory Soloman decided to go to the gym today to pump iron! While they started out lifting weights, they soon decided they had something they’d prefer pumping, namely Flex’s hard chocolate cock up Gregory’s thick inviting ass! These ebony studs suck and fuck before getting down to business! Flex pumps and pounds Gregory’s inviting ass deep and hard before both studs knuckle off a creamy white load of goo!

And:

Billy is a male stripper and gets down to his banana hammock every Tuesday and Thursday at the local pub for “Ladies Night”. When I asked him if he’d be willing to give me a private show, he was hesitant, but agreed and soon he was shaking his tush on my “catwalk”, he shook his little tush on my “catwalk”. His tush was so sexy it hurt, so I blew my load all over it.

I wrote all of that crazy shit, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go out and blow some dude and sit on his dick, it’s just words used to describe a scene. Does me using the words “fuck” and “ass” and “cock” make me homophobic, or am I merely stating the facts? If I see a dude with his penis in another man’s mouth, I’m going to call it as I see it and say “he sucked his fucking cock.”

I don’t hate gay people, not at all. Straight people are fucking retarded, they make stupid babies, people like you, at least the only thing gay people create is diarrhoea. Besides, we “extreme metal heads” have to burn down churches to get the religious fanatics up in arms, all two gay dudes need to do is blow each other and the Christian fundamentalists lose their shit. We have to destroy shit and be very vocal and anti-Christian to get any negative attention, all two guys need to do is stick their penises up each others’ butt. That’s so fucking brutal! I could burn down a thousand churches and not cause 1/10000th of an uproar that two guys jacking themselves in the privacy of their own home can do. How can I hate anyone who causes so many religious nut bags to go ape shit just by having sex? That’s fucking amazing!

I admit, I toss around words like “gay” and “fag” and “butt fuck” a lot in reviews, but after a few thousand hours of looking at it and writing about it for work (a job I got paid a decent amount of money doing, by the way, hey… the jobs no one wants to do are usually the ones that pay best, just ask an underwater welder) it tends to become a part of your daily vocabulary. It can cause embarrassment sometimes, like if I go to a restaurant and order “roast beef flaps” or “a mouthwatering slab of veiny pork sausage”, but I do try to keep it under control as best as I can, but sometimes the occasional “turd snurgling” or “rim jobber” will appear in reviews from time to time, it’s just a habit.

If people consider what I say to be “gay bashing” then you’re just way too sensitive and have yet to learn the concept of “sarcasm”. Is it homophobic for the straight members of Kids In The Hall to dress up like women and make gay jokes, despite the fact Scott Thompson has smoked more pole than a Thai hooker? I wish I was a homophobe, that would be great to put on a resume. “Profession: Homophobe. Date of Employment: Birth until today. Job description: Throwing rocks at homosexuals.”

As far as me being violent is concerned, if I were so violent, I’d be in prison for a long time and I probably would have turned to homosexuality by now. I’m not gay, but if I’m stuck in jail for 20 years with no way of getting pussy with the only sex available being from a guy, then I’m going to make fucking sure that I’m on top. For one thing I’d be providing a service to the victims of crime by sodomizing those who hurt them, and if that means I must unsheathe the cock of justice, then that is what I will do. Until then, I’ll stick with vagina, it’s soft, gentle and delicious.

A lot of people have made reference to my age. Because I use words like “fuck” and “shit” and “sodomy” people assume I’m 12 years old. Granted I did use those words a lot when I was 12, and did make a lot of gay, poop and dick jokes, but I’m actually 31 years old. And yes, I am childish. And immature. And opinionated. I’m not professional. I never claimed to be. In fact, I’ve always told people not to take the shit I say personally because I’m not a professional writer, I’m just an opinionated “wind bag” who writes negative reviews of popular music just to get a rise out of people. That’s not to say Death Magnetic was good, god no, that album fucking sucks, both as a Metallica album as well as a heavy metal album in general. All I have to say is; AHA! GOTCHA, BITCH!

I don’t care enough about anything to passionately hate anything, but I am extremely good at pissing people off. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you I spend a lot of time posting on message boards insulting bands, movies, sports teams, energy drinks, absolutely anything people get really passionate about. I don’t even care about the topic, if I slightly dislike something and someone loves it, I’ll go out of my way to piss them off and make the most outlandish remarks just to make them mad because nothing in the world is funnier to me than the inane ramblings of a fucking half wit freaking out over something I don’t care about.

Finally, congratulations on your very important interweb job! Are you the King of Interweblandia? You’re so big and powerful, yet so cowardly you can’t leave a real e-mail address or your name. What, are you afraid I’m going to go to your house and kick your ass? If I had your address I might egg it, or tell other people to, but that’s about it. Well, that and I may make sweet love to your mailbox.

Teufel’s Tomb has been around before Google even existed, so obviously you’re pretty shitty at your job if you’re only just finding it now, but I’ve pissed you off, it only took twelve years, but at least one of us has finally accomplished something worthwhile in their lives.

If you’ll excuse me I’m going to print out this e-mail and rub my cock all over it while pinching my nipples and giggling like a school girl.

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Metallica Fans: Nature’s Retard

To:

Teufel

From:

PAUL

Date:

September 5, 2008 9:46AM

Subject:

Metallica “Death Magnetic” Review

DEATH MAGNETIC IS THE BEST METALLICA HAVE EVER MADE IT’S GREAT,ORIGINAL,BRILLIANT!!!THE RIFFS ARE INCREDIBLE IT’S REALLY THE SEQUEL OF MASTER OF PUPPETS,IF YOU REALLY LOVE METALLICA THIS IS THE PERFECT ALBUM FOR YOU!!!THEY KICKS FUCKING ASSS!!THIS ALBUM IS PSYCHO!!VERY VERY GOOD ALBUM AND VERY VERY BETTER THAN ST.ANGER.BUY THE ALBUM OR DOWNLOAD IT IT’S REALLY GREAT

Teufel Responds:

Sorry, can you spit Lars Ulrich’s tiny cock out of your mouth? I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Something about a funnel, a gerbil and wanting lay naked in the middle of a Metallica circle jerk. You know what… I really don’t want to hear the details, thanks. Carry on.

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What What? In The Butt! What What? In The Butt!

To:

Teufel

From:

French Gruwer

Date:

August 27, 2008 9:05AM

Subject:

Dragonforce “Ultra Beatdown” Review

Oh, wow! That is the stupidest thing I have ever read. If you’re trying to be ironical, it’s a sheer failure! What you need to keep in mind now, sir, is that you clearly aren’t a reference and that working for such a website or any music magazine doesn’t mean your advice is any worthier than your neighbour’s dog (to start off). I hope you do realize your review is, at best, a huge pile of ultra stinking shit? I didn’t see anything relating to DragonForce’s latest album? What about the music?! Is it better/worse/whateverer than their previous outing(s)?! Oh, and one last thing. Being gay myself, I can’t resist the urge to tell you to go get some gay friends in order for your dim-witted brain to erase all the clichés you’ve had shoved up the arse during all those years, because you’re clearly not being realistic and rather downright disrespectful (to say the least) to potential gay readers despite your saying you have nothing against homosexuals (haha, that was the best part I guess). No, our arses don’t bleed and we don’t poop funny after sex. Then again, maybe you were just comparing your own horsecock-riding experience with gay sex? If so, I apologize for being so rude! I’m sure I’m manlier than you too! Because you know, gay men don’t necessarily look camp or anything! They can also ooze testosterone etc.! Whoops! I suppose I’ll just leave it at that, go order the Japanese edition of Ultra Beatdown because this album is by far – at least – much better than Inhuman Rampage and, er… let you go visit your inviting vaginas, hoping having a good romp will help your mind get clearer and, maybe, co(s)mically less dumb. *runs away screaming – manly – from this website*

Teufel Responds:

First of all, thank you for proving my point about Dragonforce and their fanbase being homosexuals. People like to claim I’m full of shit, but, here we have proof that guys who get pounded in the pooper are Dragonforce fans.

Does it offend you that as I read this I’m imagining every “s” you type sounds like “th”? Just curious. Not curious in that way, clearly I am an eater of red meat and a lover of vagina, although I do admit to occasionally throwing my hotdog down my girlfriend’s Hershey highway. Sometimes I lick it and stick a finger in it too.

As far as having gay friends go, my friends are gay enough as they are, I don’t need them listening to Dragonforce and turning into bigger queens. To be frank, I know more about gay life than the average bear. Granted, I’ve never experienced the stabbing of my poo or the throating of a kielbasa, but I did spend 5 years working in the porn industry for companies whose primary bread earners were gay porn sites and had to work on a depressingly large amount of time processing gay porn videos to put up on the websites. You’ve probably jerked off to websites I’ve worked on. You should be thanking me for that and giving me a high five, but… I know where your hands have been so I’d rather not.

In those five years I met a lot of gay dudes. A lot! Some of them were very uncomfortably gay, the flaming queens who are more effeminate than women. Then I met some who were butch lesbian gay types, they acted kinda manly but it was just awkward and weird. The rest were pretty normal guys, you’d never know they loved the cock by talking to them, but they did share one common bond; they were all Dragonforce fans. Ironical, ain’t it?

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Pakistanis Hate Buttbands… Whatever A Buttband Is…

To:

Teufel

From:

Corpse Grinder

Date:

July 23, 2008 11:22PM

Subject:

need you help man

Hey man what’s up? I’m the biggest fan of www.teufelstomb.com and I bought every single cd that you praised or recommended on the site and I never found even one of them disappointing. I live in Pakistan and I need your help, the problem is that all of my fellow countrymen think that cradle of filth; children of bodom, disturbed, slipknot, dimmu borgir, and many other shitty buttbands are the heaviest and most talented bands in the world. I just want you to favor me on that forum cuz I can’t beat those motherfuckers alone. Just login, search for black Sunday community from Lahore Pakistan on the site and join it. Then tell them what they are worth. Please man reply soon if you are ready to help me but send me reply to my id only and don’t publish it on the site. Thanks

Teufel Responds:

Let me get this straight. You want me to invade Pakistan, destroy the poseurs with my wit and knowledge of metal and leave them quivering in pain and fear? The last time a white guy started shit with brown people they strapped bombs to their chest and blew themselves up in front of his house. Fuck that! I’m giving them your home address, telephone number and the location of the nearest bomb supply shack.

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Arr… Matey! I’m Going To Poop On Your Front Deck… Possibly The Veranda

To:

Teufel

From:

Frost frosten

Date:

May 30, 2008 6:48AM

Subject:

Hi. a few questions , take a second mate

Ohoy ‘

1. How can you review 3 Cradle of filth albums without listenign to them? cus you state in Cradle Of Filth Nymphetamine – and i quote

“I can honestly say, before today I’d never bothered listening to a single Cradle Of Filth song from any of their previous albums. Perhaps I’m a bit pre-judgmental”

whos the fagget now?.

2. throwing insults is not reviewing , its admitting they sell better than what you listen to, makes you sick i guess.

3. Children Of Bodom is not shit, its amazingly good instrumental

4. Go review Alestorm

Teufel Responds:

1. The only Cradle of Filth album I’ve personally reviewed is Nymphetamine, the others were written by other people, hence why I made that statement. I guess that makes you the faggot now.

2. Throwing insults is throwing insults. Trying to comprehend the gibberish you e-mailed me by mashing your fingers angrily on a keyboard without rhyme or reason is what makes me sick.

3. Again, you are the faggot now.

4. Alestorm are a horrible piece of shit band that dresses up like pirates. I assume this is because they all dabble heavily in homosexuality. You seem to like them. Again, you are the faggot now.

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I’ve Given Up Trying To Figure Out What The Fuck These Retards Are Talking About

To:

Teufel

From:

Rex Tenebrorum

Date:

December 28, 2007 10:36:05 AM

Subject:

HATE MAIL

Hey Teufel’s Tomb,

I am writing from Spain ( I hope you know there it is) and I would like to appear on your “hate Mail”. Yes, yes… I know that the only requirement in order to turn up on this mentiones section is to be a person who doesn’t like you reviews, news… or even you, fucker!.

Now, it’s time to lie, (because I like this fucking website): This website is a pice of crap, i would like to put my fresh shit into your mouths. Do you know how to do a review’. oh, women…. How many times have you listen a extreme metal album?. Let’s me think… just a moment… maybe zero, because it’s evident that you don’t understand the shit of the bands, yeah, bands whose goal is to be popular; selling a lot of lies and poser to be “cool”. You sucks, and your fucking website more.

You can olso publish all message, I don’t care. I wrote these fucking lies because I like shock the fuckers!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO INTERVIEW ONE OF THE BEST BRUTAL DEATH METAL BAND…. BRODEQUIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teufel Responds:

Here we have yet more proof that the IQ of the average death metal fan isn’t high enough to reach room temperature.

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I Cannot Wait To Get Back To Mother Russia So I May Caress The Soft Stubble Of My Wife

To:

Teufel

From:

Dima Korotkov

Date:

September 26, 2007 9:27AM

Subject:

Night WinD

hi!
many times ago we sent you CD The Midnight’s Dances Night WinD!
you wrote that you accepted our CD!
you promised to write your review+interview about us!
we visited your web-site but didn’t find your review+interview about us!
do it please as soon as possible!
write us that you wrote it all!
thanx!
see you!
Night WinD

Teufel Responds:

Nikita Koloff,

You never sent me a CD.
I never told you that I accepted your CD.
I never promised to write a review and interview with your stupid band.
Obviously you didn’t find anything on the site about your band because you never sent me anything you fuckwit.
I’ll get right on reviewing that CD you never sent right away.
Here it is: your band is the gayest gay that’s every gayed a gay.
Thanx!
Fuck you!
TeufeL

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Hah-Hah! You Like Mortician… I Think?!?!?

To:

Teufel

From:

John

Date:

September 20, 2007 9:57PM

Subject:

Tribute to Mortician

(I would have posted this in your forums but I can’t?)

I don’t understand why Necro-tron was giving tribute so much shit,..– nevermind let me start over. Okay NYDM obviously is just a bunch of old men trying to look tough riding bikes and listening to death metal but I had no idea that, at least the band Mortician itself, refers to itself as a death metal gang. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard all week, and I hear really stupid shit every day trust me.

Mortician obviously just goes for sounding as heavy as possible, with no effort in trying to sound talented. The metal community constantly expects bands to try to fulfill their likes immediately but instead this band does what they want, how they want. They just want to sound heavy as fuck, and I think they’ve achieved that. The only reason I have some respect for them is because of this, they don’t care much about pleasing the public, just about pleasing themselves.

I dunno, giving them that much shit for their image yes, very very very very allowable, but for their music? I don’t know, depends what your criticizing it for. If you want to say it’s hardly heavy you’re an idiot, and just because it’s heavy definitely doesn’t mean it’s good. Oh god, the only song I think that is worth a damn is House by the Cemetery, all other songs can die in a fire.

death metal gangs bahahaha!!! What’re they going to do? I never knew that they referred to themselves as that. Don’t they have some business in Brooklyn too? I can’t believe they haven’t been shot to death yet. Must be the shit music scaring away the real gangsters.

With Love,

Teufel Responds:

I get e-mails like this every other day. I don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about either. I never do. I think someone signed me up to a retard mailing list.

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