Hi! My Name Is Teufel And I’m A Violent Homophobe Because Metallica Is Gay! « Hate Mail

Hate Mail

Hi! My Name Is Teufel And I’m A Violent Homophobe Because Metallica Is Gay!

To:

Teufel

From:

SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU

Date:

September 13, 2008 1:21PM

Subject:

Metallica “Death Magnetic” Review

Ladies and Gents, this is the definition of a complete GAY BASHING,VIOLENT JACKOFF who actually thinks, PEOPLE LISTEN TO HIM, PEOPLE CARE WHAT HE SAYS, OR LET ALONE, WHAT HE THINKS! OK, 1st let’s say fuck a lot. I guess he needs attention badly. I can be really cool and get people’s attention if a curse a lot, or make gay loving, or gay bashing comments. Now if he IS gay, that is fine and I have no problem with someone being gay and expressing themselves. But a gay basher is another story. But God forbid he can actually write a review of an album without cursing, personal feelings. His words actually lack professing ANY SORT OF biased, or actual musical knowledge. Let me rip on the entire Metal head population because I KNOW THEY ARE MORONS. PEOPLE, I AM YOUR MASTER, AND YOU ALL BOW DOWN TO ME AND WHAT I SAY! YEAH WHATEVER!….I GUESS HE IS GOING TO TIE THEM UP AND WHIP THEM LATER..HMM I SENSE A THEME GROWING AND CUMMING ON. (SOB..SORRY MY CAPS LOCK JAMMED) SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? TELL YOUR FRIENDS, PASS IT ALONG, AND STOP GOING TO THIS GUYS PAGE FOR HE IS NOT WORTH IT. I GET MORE IMPORTANT, AND BETTER INFORMATION FROM MY 5 YEAR OLD KID WHO IS IN MENSA! NOW I SPEND EASILY OVER 100 HRS A WEEK ONLINE FOR MY COMPANY, GOING THROUGH AND SEEKING OUT WEBSITES, SEEKING NEW ONES THAT PEOPLE ARE NOT AWARE OF THAT ARE UNIQUE, HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY OR SELL. I HAVE BROKEN HUNDREDS OF STORIES ABOUT WEB SITES LIKE GOOGLE..NAPSTER, BUY.COM PETS.COM, AND MORE. I AM SEARCHING TO SEE IF THERE IS SOME NEW TALENT OUT THEIR, OR WEB SITE THAT HAS SERIOUS POTENTIAL. AND LADIES N GENTS, THIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM. I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THIS JACKOFF AND I HAVE BROKEN STORIES ABOUT UPSTARTS, OR LITTLE KNOW SITES THAT BECOME POPULAR AND MUCH BIGGER FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS, I HAVE NEVER, EVER, HEAR OF THIS MORON. SOMEONE SAID THEY SAW A REVIEW BY SOME ASSHOLE ONLINE AND I SHOULD CHECK IT OUT. OK I CAN DO THAT, IT IS MY JOB TO SEEK OUT NEW TALENT. FINE. 2 SENTENCES IN, I ALREADY KNOW THIS IS A WASTE OF MY TIME AND EVERYONE’S ENERGY. HIS REMARK OF “MAN FRANCISCO” IS ALREADY HEADING DOWN THE GAY AND LESBIAN HIGHWAY. AS HE CLEARLY SHOWS, IN NOT SAYING “SAN FRANCISCO” AND INSTEAD “MAN FRANCISCO”, HE IS A GAY BASHER. I AM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY “MAN” WAS USED. OK, THEY RHYME. THEY ARE GROUP WHO ARE FROM SAN FRAN. SO MAN FRANCISCO MUST BE BECAUSE HE IS EITHER GAY LOVER, OR A GAY BASHER. BY STATING “MAN” HE IS SHOWING HIS TRUE COLORS. BUT LET’S GO ON. BECAUSE NOW HIS GAY LOVING, OR GAY BASHING TENDANCIES ARE FLOWING. HE STARTED WITH “MAN” FRANCISCO AND WE ALL KNOW HAS A VERY LARGE GAY AND LESBIAN POPULATION. RIPPNG INTO THE ALBUM ART COVER IS FINE IF ONE DOES NOT LIKE IT, BUT HE TAKES IT TOO ANOTHER GAY/SEXUAL LEVEL YET ONCE MORE. AS FOR MYSELF, SO FAR, OUT OF READING THOUSANDS OF POSTS ON MESSAGE BOARDS FOR R.S. MAGAZINE, SPIN, THE METCLUB WEB SITE, YAHOO MUSIC, AOL MUSIC, GOOGLE MUSIC, REAL PLAYER, AND HUNDREDS MORE, HE HAS THE HONOR OF BEING THE 1ST AND ONLY ONE TO SAY THAT THE COVER LOOKS LIKE A MAN’S REAR END, AND WHAT THEIR ANUS LOOKS LIKE. DO WE NOW FULLY UNDERSTAND WHERE HE IS CUMMING FROM. HIS REMARKS ABOUT THIS ALBUM NOT SOUNDING AS ENTERTAINING AS MASTER, RIDE, OR KILL, AND THE BLACK ALBUM IS PREPOSPEROUS. DO THEY SOUND LIKE THOSE ALBUMS, OF COURSE NOT. EACH ONE WAS AND HAS THEIR OWN UNIQUE SOUND. DOES THIS ALBUM TRACE BACK TO THEIR ROOTS OF HEAVY MELODIC RIFFS, AMAZING SOLOS, HEART POUNDING DRUMS AND JAMES ANGERNG VOICE? YES IT DOES. DOES IT RESEMBLE ANY OF THE EARLY ALBUMS. NOT SPECIFICALLY IT DOESN’T. WHAT IT DOES HARKEN BACK TOO IS THE SPEED AND TENACITY OF THEIR YOUTH. NOW WHAT BAND HAS PUT OUT AN ALBUM THAT HAD A BAD NAME/S THAT DO NOT MAKE SENSE? HOW MANY RUN THROUGH YOUR MIND? BUT YET, HE DOES NOT MENTION OTHER NAMES, HE ONLY TALKS ABOUT A MAN HAIRY BUT AND ANUS. NICE..YEP, WE KNOW WHERE IS IS CUMMING FROM AND CONCENTRATING ON! NOW HE FINALLY MENTIONS THE MUSIC. SORTA. AGAIN WE ARE ARE ENTERTAINED WITH THE WORD FUCK OVER AND OVER AGAIN. BUT WE ARE QUICKLY BACK TO THE VIOLENCE AND BASHING. BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO COMPARE THE ALBUM TOO THE CLASSIC MASTER OF PUPPETS, WHILE HE DOESN’T AGREE WITH THEM, HE WANTS TO CAUSE THEM SERIOUS BODILY INJURY FOR NOT AGREEING WITH THEM. WHEN HE CONTINUES ON, WE ARE NOW NOTICING THAT BESIDES BEING EITHER A GAY LOVER, OR A GAY BASHER, HE IS A COMPLETELY UNSATISFIED GAY LOVER OR BASHER WHO HAS NO PATIENCE WHATSOEVER FOR ANYTHING LONGER THAN 2 MINUTES AS HE STATED VEHEMINTLY. WOW, LOOKEE HERE, SOME ACTUALLY MUSICAL KNOWLEDGE! WE ARE BLESSED! WITH A RUN ON SENTENCE! DAMN. OH WELL THAT LASTED LONG. WE ARE BACK TO HIS UNSATISFYING LIFE WHERE HE IS NEVER HAPPY, NOR SATISFIED AS HE HAS NO PATIENCE AGAIN. BUT WE CAN ADD IN NOW THAT HE CAN’T “THRASH” AROUND LIKE HE DID WHEN HE WAS A EXPERIMENTAL TEENAGER.(AKA- JUMP AROUND WITH FLAILING ARMS WILDY PUNCHING (AGAIN WITH THE VIOLENCE) UNKNOWN PEOPLE, WHILE RUNNING IN A SMALL CIRCLE. BUT HE ALSO CAN’T “TAP HIS TOES” LIKE A RHYTHMIC TAP DANCER PERFORMING IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE WEARING PINK TUTU’S. NOW I AM CONFUSED. HE STATES THAT HE CAN NO LONGER THRASH AROUND LIKE THE EXPERIMENTAL TEEN HE WAS, BECAUSE THE MUSIC IS DULL, BORING AND REHASHED FROM THE JUSTICE AND LOAD ALBUM. YET HE HEARS RIFFS AND PARTS IN EVERY SONG, AND THINKS, “HEY, I KNOW THAT RIFF FROM LOAD, THAT FOLLOW WAS FROM MASTER OF PUPPETS. SO HE KNOWS HE IS HEARING SOME RIFFS FROM THE CONTINUATION OF THE MASTER OF PUPPETS RECORD, WHICH IS A THRASH METAL CLASSIC, BUT THEN SAYS THAT IT TENDS TO BE SIMPLISTIC THRASH ROCK IN NATURE”. SO IF IT IS THRASH, BE IT SIMPLITIC THRASH, AND HAS SOME RIFFS FROM THOSE CLASSIC ALBUMS, WHY CAN’T HE THRASH AROUND AND RUN IN A CIRCLE WITH BARE CHESTED MEN HITTING UNKNOWN PEOPLE AROUND HIM? HMMM? WELL WE KNOW HE IS IMPATIENT AND QUICKLY SATISFIIED IN 2 MINUTES OR LESS. WAIT, WHAT’S THIS? AN ACTUAL REVIEW? SO HE DOES FINALLY SAY THAT THE ALBUM IS GOOD AND THE BEST ONE IN 17 YEARS. SO THEREFOR, IT DOES NOT SUCK, AND HE DOES LIKE IT. IF THE ALBUM REALLY SUCKED, AND HE REALLY HEATED IT, THEN HE SHOULD HAVE SAID, I DON’Y LIKE IT BECAUSE THIS ALBUM SUCKS AND LOAD, RE-LOAD AND ST. ANGER ARE BETTER THEN IT. BUT HE DOES NOT. YOU CANNOT SAY THE ALBUM IS THE BEST ONE IN 17 YEARS, BUT ACTUALY MEAN, IT REALLY SUCKS. THIS IDIOT IS THE COMPLETE DEFINITION OF A JACKOFF LOSER WHO NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP IMMEDIATELY! BESIDES BEING A RUDE, OBNOXIOUS, TWO FACED, SIDE STEPPING BACK TALKER, IN ACTUALITY, HE IS ALSO A EXTREMELY VIOLENT, SELF ABSORBED, PRETENIOUS HOMOPHOBIC GAY BASHING GAS BAG, WHO IS COMPLETELY UNSATISFIED IN LIFE AND ANYTHING OVER 2 MINUTES IN LEGNTH HE CAN’T BE BOTHERED WITH. YOUR RIGHT, THIS IS A TOMB. BURY IT, AND BE LEFT UNTOUCHED FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS!

Teufel Responds:

I’ve received a lot of criticism for my review of Metallica‘s Death Magnetic, but this one is certainly the longest, filled with the most grammatical errors and capital letters. You touch on a lot of points other people have made about that particular review, so I’ll respond to it.

Me being a “violent homophobe” is the most fucking hilarious thing I’ve ever heard. First of all, I don’t mind gay men, I’m not into them, but what they do in public or in private really doesn’t bother me. The reason for this is that I worked in the porn industry as a web/graphic designer for five years. In those five years I’ve had to work on a lot of gay porn sites. I have personally airbrushed poopstains off of pictures of the butt holes of more gay porn stars than I care to count. Don’t believe me? Head over to Male Video Network, Bareback My Ass, Patriot Ass, Brutha Love, Real Men Bareback, Hot Hairy Holes and Street Bait to see samples of my work. I airbrushed every photo, I captured every video and encoded it and I wrote every description on all of those sites. Descriptions like;

Flex Deon Blake and Gregory Soloman decided to go to the gym today to pump iron! While they started out lifting weights, they soon decided they had something they’d prefer pumping, namely Flex’s hard chocolate cock up Gregory’s thick inviting ass! These ebony studs suck and fuck before getting down to business! Flex pumps and pounds Gregory’s inviting ass deep and hard before both studs knuckle off a creamy white load of goo!

And:

Billy is a male stripper and gets down to his banana hammock every Tuesday and Thursday at the local pub for “Ladies Night”. When I asked him if he’d be willing to give me a private show, he was hesitant, but agreed and soon he was shaking his tush on my “catwalk”, he shook his little tush on my “catwalk”. His tush was so sexy it hurt, so I blew my load all over it.

I wrote all of that crazy shit, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go out and blow some dude and sit on his dick, it’s just words used to describe a scene. Does me using the words “fuck” and “ass” and “cock” make me homophobic, or am I merely stating the facts? If I see a dude with his penis in another man’s mouth, I’m going to call it as I see it and say “he sucked his fucking cock.”

I don’t hate gay people, not at all. Straight people are fucking retarded, they make stupid babies, people like you, at least the only thing gay people create is diarrhoea. Besides, we “extreme metal heads” have to burn down churches to get the religious fanatics up in arms, all two gay dudes need to do is blow each other and the Christian fundamentalists lose their shit. We have to destroy shit and be very vocal and anti-Christian to get any negative attention, all two guys need to do is stick their penises up each others’ butt. That’s so fucking brutal! I could burn down a thousand churches and not cause 1/10000th of an uproar that two guys jacking themselves in the privacy of their own home can do. How can I hate anyone who causes so many religious nut bags to go ape shit just by having sex? That’s fucking amazing!

I admit, I toss around words like “gay” and “fag” and “butt fuck” a lot in reviews, but after a few thousand hours of looking at it and writing about it for work (a job I got paid a decent amount of money doing, by the way, hey… the jobs no one wants to do are usually the ones that pay best, just ask an underwater welder) it tends to become a part of your daily vocabulary. It can cause embarrassment sometimes, like if I go to a restaurant and order “roast beef flaps” or “a mouthwatering slab of veiny pork sausage”, but I do try to keep it under control as best as I can, but sometimes the occasional “turd snurgling” or “rim jobber” will appear in reviews from time to time, it’s just a habit.

If people consider what I say to be “gay bashing” then you’re just way too sensitive and have yet to learn the concept of “sarcasm”. Is it homophobic for the straight members of Kids In The Hall to dress up like women and make gay jokes, despite the fact Scott Thompson has smoked more pole than a Thai hooker? I wish I was a homophobe, that would be great to put on a resume. “Profession: Homophobe. Date of Employment: Birth until today. Job description: Throwing rocks at homosexuals.”

As far as me being violent is concerned, if I were so violent, I’d be in prison for a long time and I probably would have turned to homosexuality by now. I’m not gay, but if I’m stuck in jail for 20 years with no way of getting pussy with the only sex available being from a guy, then I’m going to make fucking sure that I’m on top. For one thing I’d be providing a service to the victims of crime by sodomizing those who hurt them, and if that means I must unsheathe the cock of justice, then that is what I will do. Until then, I’ll stick with vagina, it’s soft, gentle and delicious.

A lot of people have made reference to my age. Because I use words like “fuck” and “shit” and “sodomy” people assume I’m 12 years old. Granted I did use those words a lot when I was 12, and did make a lot of gay, poop and dick jokes, but I’m actually 31 years old. And yes, I am childish. And immature. And opinionated. I’m not professional. I never claimed to be. In fact, I’ve always told people not to take the shit I say personally because I’m not a professional writer, I’m just an opinionated “wind bag” who writes negative reviews of popular music just to get a rise out of people. That’s not to say Death Magnetic was good, god no, that album fucking sucks, both as a Metallica album as well as a heavy metal album in general. All I have to say is; AHA! GOTCHA, BITCH!

I don’t care enough about anything to passionately hate anything, but I am extremely good at pissing people off. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you I spend a lot of time posting on message boards insulting bands, movies, sports teams, energy drinks, absolutely anything people get really passionate about. I don’t even care about the topic, if I slightly dislike something and someone loves it, I’ll go out of my way to piss them off and make the most outlandish remarks just to make them mad because nothing in the world is funnier to me than the inane ramblings of a fucking half wit freaking out over something I don’t care about.

Finally, congratulations on your very important interweb job! Are you the King of Interweblandia? You’re so big and powerful, yet so cowardly you can’t leave a real e-mail address or your name. What, are you afraid I’m going to go to your house and kick your ass? If I had your address I might egg it, or tell other people to, but that’s about it. Well, that and I may make sweet love to your mailbox.

Teufel’s Tomb has been around before Google even existed, so obviously you’re pretty shitty at your job if you’re only just finding it now, but I’ve pissed you off, it only took twelve years, but at least one of us has finally accomplished something worthwhile in their lives.

If you’ll excuse me I’m going to print out this e-mail and rub my cock all over it while pinching my nipples and giggling like a school girl.

Story Tools: Subscribe To RSS | Link