It's been a while since I've had hate mail up on the website, then again, it's been a while since I've updated the site on a regular basis. I've decided to bring back the hate since I'm basically just tired of listening to people tell me endlessly how great I am, sometimes it feels good to be humbled. That and people seem to be greatly amused by the stupidity of other people. Remember kids; it's only funny when everyone points and laughs together, so come join Uncle Toofie in his utter humiliation of undersexed, underaged and mentally malnourished morons.
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The 'What The Fuck Are You Talking About?' E-mail Of The Month:
To: Teufel
From: Barney L. Hinch
Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2000 16:02:20 -0500
Subject: just a simple reply

Teufel,

I like the web page, even makes me laugh reading the retardedness of most of the letters. To the contrary some of the writers have a point. I believe that every band at least as one good 10 second riff on a album and the rest sucks, but that comes from lack of real ambition and musical talent. I also believe that the lyrics and clarity are definitely in question with pretty much the whole of death metal music. I've heard many "metal-heads" say well we don't want our music mainstream. WHAT!? I'm a musician, I like to say I play a little, but point is you and the rest of the pathetically underground world of mostly talented bands will have a leader in the revolution of this highly intriguing music. The name is MODERN CHAOS - The sleeper has awaken. My debut album will draw attention from many and hopefully break the dam that holds us back from ruling the radio. I know it sounds dreamy but, I'm also a realist. CHuck Schuldiner has been my lead-guitar influence, well many other brutally, high energy, technical, yet not to complex to the point where it becomes noise, have influenced my truly blistering and amazing rhythms. My vocals are highly clear to anybody who can hear. Lyrically I'm a lot more mature compared to the usual satanic, die,die,die, faggotism that comes from just about every good band including one my favorites, suffocation. I mean why have vocals if you need the lyrics to keep along with the vocalist? I know if your used to it, its a lot different, almost recognizable fragments of words about the usual thoughtless subjects. I can't wait to see what you write about my letter, oh god its probably going to hurt my self-confidence, sure. All the negativity in the world is my catalyst so I hope you say something decent. You seem to have the nack of cutting down others when christ your obviously have intelligence, again contrary to many of the letters in hate-mail, which by the way is a very accurate name for it. But anyways I'll continue, has I was saying being that your so smart than why the hell all the arrogance and why do you even waste your time in reply to the hate mail when all it does is make you look like a truly false piece of shit, I mean heres an example, a white supremist right, well I always like to ask "what makes you so fucking supreme, christ most of you hicks are all white trash, really supreme. by the way get in reality." All I'm saying is unless your really something than don't think you are.

P.S.
You'll see!

kevin

Teufel responds:
I actually read Kevin's e-mail about fifty times and still have no idea what the fuck his point was. I'll let Jay handle the reply to this one.

Jay Destro responds:
Dear Kevin...

I wish you had a point, because all you seem to do is ramble on about 25 different subjects. Ever considered taking up a hobby such as Home Beer Brewing? Home beer brewing can be not only fun, but educational too!

Not only will you impress your friends with your ability to create your own beer, but you will learn about chemistry and other interesting educational subjects...

Let me give you some information how you can brew your own beer, compliments of the American Homebrewers Association.

Ingredients:
Malt Extract Syrup, Hops, Ale Yeast, Water, Corn Sugar

Equipment:
Brewkettle, Primary Fermenter, Bottling Bucket, Siphon Hose, Racking Cane, Fermentation Lock, Bottles, Bottle Capper, Bottle Caps, Bottle Filler, Long-Handled Spoon, Unscented Household Bleach

What to do:
Boiling - Soak the two cans of malt extract syrup in hot water for at least 20 minutes. This makes the syrup easier to pour. While they soak, bring 1 1/2 gallons of water to a boil in your brewkettle. Remove the kettle from heat, add the malt extract to the water, stir until it's all dissolved and return the kettle to the burner. Boil the mixture, called wort, for at least 30 minutes (watch for boilovers!). Stir occasionally if you want. Five or 10 minutes before you are finished boiling, add the hop pellets. These hops will give your brew a nice hop aroma.

Sanitizing - While you are boiling, sanitize your primary fermenter using a solution of 1 ounce of bleach to 1 gallon of water. Sponge all the surfaces of your fermenter with the sanitizing solution and rinse well with hot water. From now on, everything that comes in contact with your beer must be sanitized -- either with a clean sponge or by soaking in a bleach solution. This is very important. In fact, it's one of the secrets to making good beer. Fill your fermenter with 3 gallons of fresh, cold water and cover with the sanitized lid.

Cooling and Pitching - When you are finished boiling, carefully pour all the wort into your water-filled fermenter. It's boiling hot, so be careful. Put the lid on tightly. When the wort has cooled to near room temperature, open the lid and sprinkle the two packets of yeast over the wort. (This is called pitching your yeast.) Work quickly, so that the wort is exposed to air as briefly as possible. There is no need to stir. Cover again and attach your fermentation lock. Add water to half-fill the airlock.

Fermenting - Fermentation should start within 24 hours, but it could take longer. A sure sign of fermentation is the bubbling of carbon dioxide through the fermentation lock. The bubbling should be rapid and vigorous for a couple of days and then gradually slow down. Keep the beer at room temperature, protected from light and in a place where children or animals can't disturb it. Fourteen days after fermentation has begun, you're ready to bottle.

Bottling - Sanitize your bottles by soaking them in a solution of 1 to 2 ounces of bleach to 5 gallons of water. Or, you can fill each bottle with the same solution. Let them soak for at least 45 minutes. Rinse each bottle with hot tap water. Make sure the bottles don't have any gunk in them. Sanitize your bottling bucket, siphon, racking cane, bottle filler and anything else that's going to come in to contact with your beer using a bleach solution like the one used to sanitize your fermenter. Sanitize your bottle caps with either vodka or a very dilute bleach solution. Dissolve 3/4 cup of corn sugar (4 ounces dry weight) in a cup of water. Boil for 10 minutes. Put your fermenter of beer on the counter and your bottling bucket on the floor. Pour the sugar solution into the bottling bucket. Siphon the beer from the fermenter into the bottling bucket. Do this carefully, without splashing or agitating the beer and leave the sediment in the bottom of the fermenter behind. (This is called racking.) Don't expose your beer to the outside air any more than you have to and make sure all surfaces the beer contacts are sanitized. Put the bottling bucket on the counter, hook up your racking cane, siphon and bottle filler, then begin filling your bottles. Bottling can be messy, so have some paper towels or rags handy. Newspaper or a shallow baking pan can be used to catch spills. Cap each bottle.

Aging and Tasting - You're done! Store your bottles in a cool, dark place. Wait at least two weeks (if you can), uncap a bottle and pour into a nice, clean mug or glass, leaving the sediment in the bottle. The sediment won't harm you, but it can change the flavor and appearance of the beer.

Taste the fruits of your hobby. Congratulations! You're a homebrewer! We hope you learn to love this hobby as much as we do!

Kevin I hope this really makes you feel better, and good luck with your stupid band.


Still Ranting And Raving About All Of Her Cock Craving:
To: Teufel
From: Sarah
Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2000 22:57:13 CDT
Subject: Hate mail...

WELL WELL WELL FUCKER...YOU MISSED ME HUH? YOU ARE A PATHETIC FUCKER THAT CAN'T EVEN THINK UP BETTER RESPONSES TO EMAILS SO YOU HAVE TO TALK FROM YOUR DICK...TYPICAL FUCKING MALE...YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING PATHETIC RETARD...CHRIST, THATS JUST YOU, WE WON'T EVEN GO INTO HOW PATHETIC AND THOUGHTLESS AND UTTERLY REVOLTING YOUR REVIEWS ARE...STUPID FUCKER...OH AND BY THE WAY: Vous êtes un stupide, dumbassed le fucker.

YOU NOT ONLY DO SHIT REVIEWS, THINK WITH YOUR DICK, BUT YOU ALSO ARE VERY PATHETIC AT DELIVERING A FRENCH LINE. STICK TO ENGLISH YOU FUCKED OVER DOG CROTCH LICKING PENIS WRINKLE...

HOW ABOUT THAT DEAREST TEUFEL?
VENGEANCE

P.S. (Let's see how well you speak french...of course it does appear you are a Cannuck...so..)Vous devez aller léchez le pénis de Leif Anderson. Vous devez également savoir que les fuckers pathetic comme vous-même ne me battront jamais dans ce jeu fucking.

Jay Destro responds:
So I am just wondering, do you do anal?

Nothing you say really matters to anyone, but all we here at 'The Tomb' have been pondering about recently is wether or not you give up the butt.

Please inform us, we all want to poke you in your ass.

Love and Kisses...


Teufel responds:
Jay, please, you've got to be a gentleman when asking a woman for some loving, here, let me show you. First, you need to speak to her in a deep Barry White voice and say things like "Hey baby, how are you feeling tonight? Alright? Mmmhmm... that's right." That gets them all nice and mellow, then you need maybe get some wine, let them have a few glasses, then slowly undress her and say "YOU LIKE THAT BITCH? YOU LIKE THAT? HUH? DADDY IS GONNA SHOW YOU A REAL GOOD TIME NOW" then you come at her from behind, slam it up her pooper and grab her hips and push her around the room like a wheelbarrow and slam her head into a wall a few times. Ain't love making beautiful? Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh yea... Sarah, your french is even worse than your english, you should stick to gibberish, since it seems to be what you're best at. The only decent frenching you do is with your tongue wrapped around my ball sack with bits of semen and drool dribbling down your chin, but don't worry, we at the Tomb still love ya, baby. Your Prince Charming, Teufel.

Another Hotmail Address, Same Rambling Stupidity:
To: Teufel
From: Jason Keaton
Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2000 22:39:40 EST
Subject: Hey Queers

Hey there you ear fuckers, I can ramble on and on about how gay your site is, look at this shit, it's obvious that you are just picking fights with people, "Oh!! They sent me an offensive email so they MUST be retarded/gay/ignorant/deprived/ect...". You're the one with the shitty site and you don't expect people to bitch at you? Haha, can we say moron, you're picking fights with 15 year old kids! Sad. Well, let's just put it this way, in a perfect world, your site would be banned in 48 states, in a perfect world, critics wouldn't even exist, you said In Flames sucked, I think they are one of the greatest, you said AETERNUS was awesome, I thought they fucking sucked. Anyways, there is no purpose for critics, more so, retarded ones like you, critics don't even serve a good purpose on this planet. Well to sum it up, I would die a happy man if I saw you, Abass, and Leif chainsaw slaughtered and have it televised on Comedy Central, and as for Tefuel's dog? I'll sell him to a chinese restraunt.

Jay Destro responds:
> Hey there you ear fuckers,

I have never had sex with anyone in the ear, I would love to try it though.

> I can ramble on and on about how gay your site is,

Please don't...

> look at this shit, it's obvious that you are just picking fights with
> people, ''Oh!! They sent me an offensive email so they MUST be
> retarded/gay/ignorant/deprived/ect...''. You're the one with the shitty site

Huh Huh, you are a deprivent ignorant gay man with Downs Syndrome, Calm Down Drooly.

> and you don't expect people to bitch at you? Haha, can we say moron,

No we cannot. You Fag.

> you're picking fights with 15 year old kids!

I was hoping for some 12 year olds, but we haven't lucked out recently. You Fag.

> Sad.

Don't be sad, some day you will forgive Daddy for using your little tushy as his personal fuckspace.

> Well, let's just put it this way,
> in a perfect world, your site would be banned in 48 states, in a perfect
> world, critics wouldn't even exist,

In a perfect world, your father would have pulled out and just shot the load in your slut mother's mouth.

> you said In Flames sucked, I think they are one of the greatest, you said
> AETERNUS was awesome, I thought they fucking sucked.

1. No one here cares about your opinion, we are the ones reviewing the albums, Therefore our opinions are the only ones that matter.

2. In Flames DOES suck.

3. You Fag.

> Anyways, there is no purpose for critics, more so, retarded
> ones like you, critics don't even serve a good purpose on this planet.

I am getting bored.

> Well to sum it up, I would die a happy man if I saw you, Abass, and Leif
> chainsaw slaughtered and have it televised on Comedy Central, and as for
Tefuel's dog? I'll sell him to a chinese restraunt.

I already did, you fag.

Hugs!


Teufel responds:
I forgot to mention to Jay that this "Jason Keaton" character just happens to use the exact same computer as our dear friend "Ricky Glasgow". Coincidence? bwahahahaha... Even went to the trouble of using another pseudonym and that was the best he could come up with... and people wonder why I think abortion should be mandatory.

Dude, It'S Like... 4:20 Dude... Dude!:
To: Teufel
From: slip_1
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 19:36:19 -0700
Subject: SFU

Yeah ok thats another dumb ass opinion he was harder in Cannibal Corpse but they do have talent and this shit is totally Bias let fans decide.

Jay Destro responds:
When one is going to make a point about something, it is best to do it in a clear and understandable manner, you have not done anything of the sort. Please don't ever use your computer again, it really isn't worth it.

Oh yeah, Listen to 4:20 off the album Warpath, understand why Chris Barnes is a dope.


"Not Only Am I The President Of The Dani Filth Fan Club, But I'm Also Gay":
To: Teufel
From: White Family & Friends
Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 20:19:59 -0600
Subject: Crae of Filth review

I was utterly stunned at your review of Cradle of Filth's Cruelty and the Beast. Anybody with an ounce of actual musical experience could appreciate the songwriting and structure of this album. Perhaps you're just in denial about the fact that any member of the band WOULD WILLINGLY RIP YOUR HEART OUT OF YOUR CHEST AND SHOVE DOWN YOUR UNEDUCATED THROAT, AND THERE WOULDN"T BE A FUCKING THING YOU COULD DO ABOUT IT.

Jay Destro responds:
How anyone with an ounce of heterosexuality could appreciate the fact that the band is nothing more than faggy goth vampire music for 15 year old girls is beyond me.

Stop jerking off to Dani's sweet little ass.

Fag


Even Being Born With A Coathanger Stuck In His Brain Won'T Stop Lil Ricky:
To: Teufel
From: Ricky Glasgow
Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 23:04:44 CDT
Subject: Get stabbed in the face

Mentally retarded hm? Deprived eh? Well, let me tell you something Mr. I Dropped Out of High School my Freshman Year and Made This Web Site (hey, as long as you are being retarded I suppose I can also)I'm respoding to your reply because....well I'll be frank, I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO RIGHT NOW I asked to be on the hate mail page because I wanted to hear some dickcheese editor's reply, is that what you wanted to hear? My own bowel movements are smarter than your editors and all they know how to do it make shit, oh, another thing, maybe I didn't get the CD title right, just look at the time that I sent it. Well, I guess all that's left to say is that I can't be too deprived if I have a computer, seems to me that in a and judging by these nasty e-mails, you can't be that much of a greater guy than I am.

-Rikky

Jay Destro responds:
You are gay and retarded. How do you like them apples fag?

A Perfect Ten For Stupidity:
To: Teufel
From: Rob MacDonald
Date: Tue, 30 May 2000 15:37:35 -0600
Subject: Reviews fit only for a fag (like you HAHAH)

Hey fucker, Tuflel, you suck, just thought I'd let you fucking know that. Cause hey, you go and fucking say bands are garbage, when you can't fucking do even CLOSE to the awesome shit Cradle of Filth and various other bands do.

And, your reviews in hate mail are retarded. Why? Because although most of the mail you get is from uneducated idiots who you can easily diss, when someone actually really makes a point, your lame come-backs are some of the worst I've read!!!

Also, I look forward to your review of my letter so I can laugh my ass off at what you think up next... Let me guess; you're a fagott who has serious questions about his sexual orientation, which is why you call everyone gay... The only sex you get regularily is from your dog... And, YOU HAVE SHITTY TASTE IN MUSIC!!

Oh yeah, I almost forgot; you really like commenting on people's grammer, so I'll let you know; there are 6 errors in this letter you can point out (there, I've made your job easier for you).

If you ever get some balls, why don't you come out to a CoF concert and read out a review, because man, there'd be nuthin left of you. I myself would take home your pancreas as a fucking souvenir.

FUCK YOU DIPSHIT LITTLE PRICK

Teufel responds:
I love checking my e-mail and finding something as thought provoking and intellectually stimulating as this. I love just knowing people expect to be taken seriously if they angrily include the word "fucking" as many times as possible, because, you fucking know that you sound so fucking smart when you fucking say fucking as fucking many times as you fucking can.

Why do people keep e-mailing me shit like this, am I somehow going to decide "Holy shit! This person was right! How could I have been so wrong? I mean, damn... all I needed was someone to call me a fucking faggot for me to realize this band rules." People call me stupid, yet ramble on about how I should love their favorite band like Catholics trying to convert an atheist into following the path of Christ. It's ridiculous. I also love how these same people telling me I know nothing about music are not in bands themselves and wouldn't be able tell which end of a guitar is which. "Teufel, you know nothing about music, you have no talent, this band rulez!" Have you ever heard any of the bands I've been in? "Well... duhhrr... no, but...", yea, that's what I thought.

I don't even need to make comments about your grammar or your sexual orientation to make you look like a fool, you do a perfectly good job of that on your own. Cradle Of Filth don't care what my opinion is, nor does anyone with half a brain. Why would I waste my own money to go to a concert of a band I don't even like to spew my opinion to fans of the band, when, honestly, I don't even care about their opinions to begin with. Besides, most of their fans are female, or close enough that it's often hard to tell the difference. At most they may get upset and want to slap me with their purses, but that's about the extent of it. Actually, Rob, the only thing about you I'm going to openly make fun of today is your name. I decided to change the lyrics to Old MacDonald a little bit in tribute to you and your great e-mail. Enjoy!

Rob MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had some goats, E-I-E-I-O
With an "oh baby" here and a "use your horns, you bastard" there, here a "fuck me, hornhead", there a "move that tail so I can stuff that ass", everywhere a "graze my ass like it's a patch of wheat"

Rob MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had some gophers, E-I-E-I-O
With an "burrow this, bitch" here and a "tunnel your way to my intestine" there, here a "ouch, that's my spleen;", there a "oh yea... that's the spot", everywhere a "was it good for you too, baby?"

It kind of just goes on like that until I name ever animal I can think of. Well, you get the idea at least. Stay brutal, you metal maniac!


Reason #895432 Why Euthanasia Should Be Mandatory For The Mentally Retarded:
To: Teufel
From: Ricky Glasgow
Date: Mon, 29 May 2000 05:13:26 CDT
Subject: Your Six Feet Under review

Hey Tefuel, this goes to the fucking RETARD who said that Six Feet Under was boring and had mistakes, first off, I have been a Six Feet Under fan since Dead and Alive, therefore, I have heard almost every Six Feet Under song sevreal times, and not once....well maybe once...did I hear ANY mistakes in thier music, second, how are they boring? I am guessing you haven't heard songs like ''Silent Violence'', ''Tommrow's Victim'', any good song off of Warpath, ''Feasting on the Blood of The Insane'', ''Bonesaw'', and such, I could list songs untill this email becomes unreasonably long, well anyway, I think Chris Barnes isn't quite as heavy as he was in Cannibal Corpse but Six Feet Under is still a good band dammit, BTW, I'm not your avarage metal head either, I'm just fifteen year year old with a bad case of insomnia, Oh yeah, Teufel? Your site is cool, but I suggest you replace a few editors here and there on your crew, because it's becoming painful to see these idiots give half ass reviews and letting metalheads miss out on what could be thier next favorite band

One more thing, could you put my email on your hate mail page? Thanks.

- Rikky

Teufel responds:
Hotmail account. Acting stupid. Asking to be added on the hate mail page. It's obvious this person is lacking attention. If the parents of this deprived child are reading this, I must inform you that it is never too late to start beating your kids. I don't believe I need to mention that the title of the second Six Feet Under CD is actually Alive And Dead, or that I've received a promo copy from Metal Blade of all of their CDs to review since they first put out The Haunted in 1995. It's becoming painful to see that "metalheads" such as yourself, are allowed to live, let alone breed. In a perfect world, people like you wouldn't even be born, because at the first sign of genetic stupidity, every member of the family would be dragged out into the backyard and shot, then have their corpses set aflame, long before the stupidity could get into the air and infect others. Even my dog, who gladly licks his own ass, has the intelligence to not listen to that horrid shit.

You In Band? Me Love You Long Time! You Party?:
To: Teufel
From: kaiser collapse
Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 13:22:46 +0700
Subject: interview and knowing you more

Hello and how are you and suffocation !!Wish you o.k and well,cool,everytime.
I'm from indonesia and fansed you alot,and I planning to ask you some fucking questions and put it into our 2nd fanzine(maggotssickness), of course if you don't mind. O.k, here's the damn question!
1. can you tell me why Suffocation become your band's name!
2. you are now influenced by many death metal bands,how do you explain it!
3. your guitarist doug cerrito has made a new band,(hate eternal),what do you think about 'em!
4. why you ripped off your own band,while though your band is famous!
5. what do you think about deeds of flesh!
6. do you interest in politic,? or religion? ,what do you thing on it!
7. have you ever heard about indonesian death metal !
Do you know some of them?
8. Do you have a plan to re-join your band again?
9.why you never come to indonesia to liveconcert there?
10. you are now r.i.p,what da you do besides musick?
11. last,what do you think on black metal!.

Well, I think thats all folks ,may be we'll continue it the other times. Also don't forget your band picture. the newest one, pleaaaaaaaaaaase!

stay brutal, and.....today is a good day to fuck!

your big butt fans

Kesar of dbm

Teufel responds:
hahahahahahahaha... I won't even try to say anything about this e-mail, it speaks for itself. For once I'm at a loss of words, I just can't stop laughing when I read this. This is the best fucking e-mail ever! "your big butt fans" hahahahaha... this is great... By the way, there's no fucking way this is gonna end up in the hands of anyone in Suffocation, if they find out their fans are this stupid, there's no way they'd ever want to reform.

Real Heavy And Brutal Death Metal:
To: Teufel
From: Eter216@###.com
Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 02:20:07 EDT
Subject: Transformer comic books from the '80s

Hello,

I have copies of issues 1, 2, and 3 from the Marvel Transformers Mini-Series from the '80s if you are interested in a trade...

U

Teufel responds:
When I refered to "brutal" and "heavy" and "death" metal on the website I didn't mean... nevermind... e-mail from AOL users make me wonder why abortion isn't mandatory.

Still In Heat, Still Wanting My Meat:
To: Teufel
From: Sarah
Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 23:09:50 CDT
Subject: Your reviews...

LISTEN YOU RETARDED ANAL FUCKING PENIS LICKER!!!! WHY DON'T YOU GO REVIEW SOME BRITNEY SPEARS!! YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT WITH THAT THOUGHTLESS MIND NUMBING SHIT THAT SHE SINGS!!!!FUCK KNOWS YOU WOULD PROBABLY ENJOY IT AS MUCH AS GETTING LEIF ANDERSON'S DOG FUCKING DICK UP YOUR ASS!!! THERE SHOULD BE LAWS AGAINST YOU WRITING REVIEWS!!! YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT'S EXCUSE FOR A REVIEWER, YOU KNOW THAT DICKLICK???

VENGEANCE

PS AS FOR YOUR HATE MAIL SECTION, YOU CAN WIPE YOU DAD'S ASS WITH IT FOR ALL I CARE...IF EVERYONE WHO READ YOUR REVIEWS HAD TIME TO WRITE IN AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT SHIT YOU CALL A REVIEW, YOUR HATE MAIL SECTION WOULD BE 20 FUCKING GODDAMN MILES LONG!!!

Teufel responds:
Dearest Sarah, I have missed you so. The days without hearing from you again were torturous to my heart, but I am glad to see you have returned, mi amore. You are so passionate and frisky, mmm... I love a woman who's driven by passion and lust. You have a great fire in your belly, although I know you stay up late at night, in bed, alone, dreaming that the liquid heat was coming straight from my loins, penetrating deep within you. Be patient, my dear, in time you will feel the full force of my sensual touch, and take you to a realm of passion you'd never even imagined. *kisses the back of your hand* Until then, my passionate little dove, I bid you adieu. Love, Teufel.

Quantum Physics 101:
To: Teufel
From: Joe Headcrash
Date: Sun, 7 May 2000 19:44:17 -0500
Subject: Hate Mail

You are a gangster rapper
You are a gangster rap-artist
You can really rap like a JACKASS
You can really whip a monkey's ass

TEUFEL'S TOMB
TEUFEL'S TOMB
TEUFEL'S TOMB
TEUFEL'S TOMB

Your gangster rap music makes innocent people feel sorry for you
You need to watch your filthy mouth
That's the reason why you don't get radio play
You need your nasty mouth washed out with soap

TEUFEL'S TOMB
TEUFEL'S TOMB
TEUFEL'S TOMB
TEUFEL'S TOMB

Your gangster rap music is the reason why corporations are against you
They say, you rap about killing police officers and selling dope
You can do better than that for yourself
Why don't you clean up your act?!?!

TEUFEL'S TOMB
TEUFEL'S TOMB
TEUFEL'S TOMB
TEUFEL'S TOMB
www.hellfrost.com

Teufel responds:
That was by far the most pathetic attempt at gaining extra publicity that I have ever seen. Originally, I was just going to ignore this, however, I have changed my mind and have written a counter poem... a ballad, if you will. It is entitled; Ode To Hell Frost.

There's a zine
Written about the metal scene
A mag so horrid, some call it gay
It's author, Joe Headcrash, can't even give it away

With Pat from Red Stream on his side
Lubed him up with anal glide
With this, off the issues of Hell Frost go
To his knees, goes dear Joe
Now work that tongue, bitch, while you blow

In our mailboxes, his zine does enter
A zine so gay I mark 'Return To Sender'
Back it goes to our dear friend Pat
With a letter begging to stop sending this crap

On works young Joe
Thinking of ways to earn some dough
His zine a flop, his anus swollen
He comes to me, begging like an orphan

I look down with sheer disgust
At the young man who's last chance is me, help him, I must
The tears in his eyes, make my heart twitch
Then to him, I turned, with compassion in my heart; "Fuck off you cross eyed bitch"

*takes a bow*

Thank you. Next showing is at 11.


Malaysian's Come In All Shapes And Sizes:
To: Teufel
From: StarletWater@###.com
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2000 18:16:40 EDT
Subject: Doofel is FUCKING GAY DECKROPHILIAC

You are fucking gay, Cradel of Filth is fucking Awesome. I hate you, you do shitty ass FUCKING reviews!!!! DIE BITCH. This is a pic. of YOU!
[Unable to display image]

Teufel responds:
Wow. I don't know what to say to all of that. First you made fun of my nickname by changing the 'teu' to 'doo', then made up a new word to insult me, then you misspell the name of a band you claim is awesome. You finish things off by saying you hate me, that my reviews are horrible, and you went to the trouble of probably finding some disturbing gay pornography to send to me claiming it's me, however was not able to go through. I honestly already am aware of what I look like, as I do own a mirror, and the only strange sexual positions I've been in have been with your mother about nine months prior to your birth. By the way, sorry for the brain damage and birth defects, at least now your mom knows to use a longer coat hanger next time one slips through.

It's That Time Of The Month Again:
To: Teufel
From: Sarah
Date: Thu, 06 Apr 2000 08:58:54 PDT
Subject: Your reviews...

YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON!!!!!!!CAN YOUR REVIEWS GET ANY MORE THOUGHTLESS AND DUMB??? I HOPE YOU AND LEIF ANDERSON FALL OFF A CLIFF AND GET IMPAILED BY JAGGED ROCKS!!!!!YOU ARE SO FUCKING DUMB!!!WHO THE HELL LET'S YOU REVIEW CD'S??!!!THEY MUST BE RETARDED ANAL FUCKS!!

VENGEANCE

Teufel responds:
Dearest Sarah, it seems as though it's that time of the month, yet again, and you're obviously not feeling very 'fresh'. It's okay, I truly do understand and am sensitive towards the feelings of our female readers. Perhaps you woke up this morning with one of your tampons dug in a bit deep and you're having difficulty retrieving it, thus causing you to become even more irritable. Fear not, I shall send Don Decker to fetch it for you with his teeth. He'll even recycle it for you, sucking it clean like a young child sucking on a Mr. Freeze. To reply to your question, just for you Sarah, we will try our best to be even more dumb and thoughtless. Thanks for the suggestion. Love, Teufel.

The Return Of Our Archnemesis, Dr. Retard:
To: Teufel
From: Darryl Nightshade
Date: Sat, 25 Mar 2000 03:26:41 EST
Subject: The sad idiocy of your terrible website

My, my, my. What a mess. I have seen and visited many Metal websites in my day, but never have I seen such a poor example of album reviewing or attempts at humor in my life.

First of all, I read your Hate Mail section, and the header for the web page. Cut the crap. You are nothing like The Grimoire. The Grimoire is in a league of its own, along with Infernal Combustion, using KNOWLEDGE of the metal genre, biting sarcasm, and overall intellect mixed with low grade wit to make for a truly enjoyable website. You all can only do low grade wit and very poor attempts at sarcasm, as evidenced by Leif's review of Immortal's cd, or your Still Life review. (I'm still groaning over that idiotic review.)

Second of all, I can definitely tell you have no background in journalism of any kind, or that you were very sound in English. If you were, then you should show it. You jump all over the place on every single review and bust out on tangents quite a bit but never seem to say much about the cd in question. This is evident in your latest Exhumed review, your "0 for 10" In Flames, or most of your blackmetal reviews. And my lord, where did you study grammar?

Third of all, your Hate Mail site is weak. Normally, when somebody has the last word, they have an opportunity to really come down on the other person, to say something so insulting, witty, and degrading that the user in question never returns. Your responses are often weak and effortless attempts at this. One such writer whose name eluded me was criticized by you for his grammar, yet not one explanation was made about why his grammar was bad. Many of the other letters on Hate Mail didn't even need side commentary from you because they were stupid enough on their own merit, and needless to say, you still screwed that up. The fact that most of the people in Hate Mail send you multiple messages shows you aren't doing an effective job.

P.S. Assuming things about others usually makes you out to be a real ignorant person.

I will conclude by saying that your metal site seems to serve no purpose to the metal community. It does not entertain, it does not educate, nor does it serve any real purpose. Your lack of musical knowledge, treatment of metal music as a whole like it's some silly joke and desperate attempts to gain attention through over-dramatized reviewing really works against this site.

By the way, you also did just about one of the dumbest things imaginable. In a hate mail letter written, there was a link to another Online 'zine written there. You left this in broad daylight in the Hate Mail section, where the person who runs that site, John, whom I know, received a significant boost in the amount of hits he received on his site due to that, at your very expense.

But what's the use, anyway. You're probably going to put this on the Hate Mail site and say something stupid like "Now watch here where the guy accidentally misplaces a period. What an idiot." or "This guy is simply politically correct and has no sense of humor." I assure you none of this is true, as I'm in a comedy band at the moment, but there is one thing I can assure you--Your site will die in time. Others will not.

Darryl

Abbas responds:
It appears that our friend Rob (whose earlier hate mails are listed at the end of this section) is back for yet even more, now assuming the moniker of Darryl (with an especially convincing last name of "Nightshade" to top it off). There are some peculiar, striking similarities in the poor excuse for almost pseudo-intellectual rhetoric, as well as the familiar lack of consistency in his arguments, and this time it looks as though his mother was looking over his shoulder to help correct his grammar. He is bitching about the exact same things and pointing out the same examples (comparison to the Grimoire, journalism/English, "one such writer whose name eluded me...")... at this point, all I can say is this guy has a serious problem. I don't mean he should be taking some Prozac or perhaps Riddlyn to calm his nerves, I mean he needs to get up and off the computer and get some friends, or something... using an alter ego and putting this much effort into complaining about a "worthless" heavy metal website that he seemingly cares nothing about is pretty ass-backwards to begin with, but he goes on further to bitch about a link to an "opposing" web site that has now been getting many hits as a result of a link from Teufel's Tomb! We probably owe a great deal of our hits to Rob/Darryl actually, and I do hope he appreciates our gratitude. The most disturbing part of all of this is the fact that Rob isn't exactly "brain dead", he's certainly capable of saying more than a typical metalhead's "uhh... dude, you suck... uh..." He's more than competent with multisyllable words and juvenile yet admirable attempts at deductive reasoning... etc... so I am forced to assume he knows pretty much exactly what he's saying and is completely aware of all the conflicts within his arguments, and he is simply addressing us as simpletons not capable of recognizing such fallacies. I can't quite altogether blame him, I'm just very disappointed. Are there still any questions as to where the stereotype of a "stupid metalhead" comes from? Oh, he even used the expression "and my lord" at some point... what is he, a christian!? No wonder he hates us...

Teufel responds:
Abbas, my brown skinned anti-christian war machine and 100% pure metal brethren, as always, you are correct. It seems young Robert is desperate for attention, perhaps seeking the attention he never received as a child, and is looking to us to fill the void in his life. Rob was probably not breast fed as a child and though he may view us as his family, perhaps me as a mother figure, I'm afraid my nipples do not lactate, so he will need to seek that motherly sap elsewhere. I think it's obvious Rob is a lonely child, he may not even be toilet trained, his parents probably just laid newspaper on the floor for him to do his business on after they gave up on him, occasionally beating him with a rolled up newspaper should he stick his nose in their groins while they tried to eat dinner. I have already addressed his many comments in the past and feel no need to feed his hunger for attention by listing things off. I do, however, find it incredibly hilarious that he brought up my linking another webzine in the hate mail section to be something dumb. If his hits increased as much as he claimed, then it obviously means that Teufel's Tomb is very popular and successful. I personally read other websites and webzines constantly and am not in competition with anyone, because, to be perfectly honest, Teufel's Tomb is in a league of it's own. This website has been around for 5+ years, has outlasted thousands of metal websites and hundreds of zines, and has a daily readership larger than the monthly readership of even the most popular fanzines. Oh, one last thing. Rob, the next time you decide to hide behind a pseudonym or Hotmail address, try using a different computer or masking your IP, because even the biggest moron knows that Hotmail shows the IP of the person sending the e-mail. I still can't believe this was the best you could come up with in the five weeks since you last e-mailed. It must really suck to be that pathetic.

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