It's been a while since I've had hate mail up on the website, then again, it's been a while since I've updated the site on a regular basis. I've decided to bring back the hate since I'm basically just tired of listening to people tell me endlessly how great I am, sometimes it feels good to be humbled. That and people seem to be greatly amused by the stupidity of other people. Remember kids; it's only funny when everyone points and laughs together, so come join Uncle Toofie in his utter humiliation of undersexed, underaged and mentally malnourished morons.
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I Bet You'll Never Do That Again:
To: Teufel
From: ArchEnemyATG@##.com
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000 23:39:35 EDT
Subject: [no subject]

I don't know whos reading this but id just like to tell you that the person who sent you an e-mail under my s/n, that is now on the "Hate Mail" part of your site was not written by me. It was written by my 16 year old brothers friend, im not getting into detail and nor do I care if you believe me but id like it if you could take my e-mail address of your site. Sorry for the mishap

Teufel responds:
Now you have an e-mail on the hate mail section written by you, congratulations. I could remove your e-mail address from the site, but I won't, why? Because I am a dickhead, and I feel I must teach you a valuable lesson. The lesson I have to teach you is this; the next time someone wants to use your account, tell them no, and don't tell them your password, also, should someone fuck around, never admit to it, just shut up and you may not get made fun of further, but should you open your mouth, you will be laughed at even harder than before. Hopefully some further public humiliation for being such an irresponsible halfwit will help you change your ways. I hope you feel stupid now, I know I certainly think you are. A simple apology is not good enough, you must beg, you must beg for forgiveness and mercy and maybe, just maybe I will remove it. No, who am I kidding? I'd just post it and make fun of you for being such a weak and spineless moron. Go punch your brother in the face and tell him to never allow his friend to do it again, make your brother punch his friend in the face, followed by you punching his friend in the face. Should you get stupid e-mail due to this site, simply hit Delete, it's really not that hard. This is your punishment for not punching him in the face to begin with. Suffer!

KISS - The Kings Of Evil Devil Worshipping Black Metal:
To: Teufel
From: ArchEnemyATG@##.com
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2000 21:31:02 EDT
Subject: THE SITE

YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING DICKHEADS, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. YOU SAY BANDS LIKE OPETH SUCK ALONG WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER SWEDISH BANDS. YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NEVER HEARED OPETH CAUSE THERE MUSIC IS AMAZING AND FULL OF TALENT. WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE WHO SUCKS?? I BET YOU CANT EVEN PLAY WITH THE SKILL OPETH HAS. HERES ANOTHER POINT ABOUT YOUR STUPIDNESS, YOU SAY DEEDS OF FLESH ARE TO TECHNICAL W/ INBREEDING AND THAT MOST OF THE CD SUCKS...THEN YOU GO AND GIVE DISGORGE A TOP REVIEW. HAHAHA WHO DO YOU THINK INFLUENCED WHAT DISGORGE IS PLAYING? I LIKE DISGORGE BUT DEEDS OF FLESH ARE THE LEADERS THERE IN THE FEILD OF CALI DEATH/GRIND AND DEFINITALLY HAVE DISGORGE IN THEIR SHADOW. THEN IN FLAMES SUCKS..YEAH SURE...OK, ID LIKE TO SEE YOU WRITE OF HOOK LIKE JESPER STROMBLAD. I BET YOU CANT CAUSE YOU FUCKING SUCK DICK. ALL YOU DO IS TALK SHIT ABOUT MOST BANDS ON THE SITE...YOU DONT KNOW METAL OR GOOD MUSIC IN GENERAL. I HOPE YOU LAUGH AT THIS BECAUSE IT IS QUITE FUNNY..FUNNY HOW IT TELLS THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU FAGGOTS, ALONG W/ YOUR BULLSHIT SITE....FUCKING PUSSIES.

Teufel responds:
Did you get it all out of your system? You're shaking. Should I bring you a blanket and a cup of tea to calm your nerves? That was just so intense, I mean, CAPS included... wow... powerful stuff, powerful stuff... Just out of curiosity are you Swedish? No? Are you in Opeth or In Flames? No? Really... wow... I mean, if you were actually in either band, I could understand being offended, but you have absolutely nothing to do with the band, apart from buying their CDs, or ripping them off by getting the thing on MP3, whatever your thing happens to be. Well that's strange. I don't know how else to explain why you'd get offended over something not even written about you... oh wait, I get it now. You're one of those kids who is stuck in highschool, don't have a girlfriend, are too ugly to have real friends, but you listen to metal and figure that since a few of your 'online friends' listen to certain bands, that they are the 'elite and true' bands, and to say anything against them is a personal attack against you and said 'cyberbuddies'. Well, I've been listening to metal since you were a mere fetus, and have been playing in metal bands and writing for metal zines long before you even grew your first pube, so the opinions of you and your pals don't mean shit to me or anyone else at the Tomb. Now then, let's tackle the issues. The reviews you're referring to were written by completely different people with completely different views. I do understand that's a difficult concept to comprehend, but I'll speak slowly and use as many monosyllabic words as possible. I personally have never heard Opeth, but considering how much their fans, such as yourself, bitch, piss and moan about Leif's review, I'm not even remotely interested, since it's obvious they must suck quite hard. I mean, if their own fans are insecure enough that they feel they must angrily defend them, then obviously the band has no balls of their own. As far as your pissing and moaning about Disgorge, all I can say is "Huh?" It's obvious no intelligent thought was involved in making those statements. The Disgorge album I reviewed is a compilation of their 95 and 96 demo tapes, both of which were released before Deeds Of Flesh's Trading Pieces in 1996 and Inbreeding The Anthropophagi (1998). Although Deeds Of Flesh's demo was released in 1994, almost no comparision can be made to the two Disgorge demos, which were far more advanced technically, at that point, than Deeds Of Flesh. In fact, Disgorge began in 1992 and released their first demo Cognative Lust Of Mutilation (of which several songs were re-recorded on their later demos), more than a full year before the formation of Deeds Of Flesh in 1993. The review for their 1999 release, which has two completely different song writers/musicians from their demo tapes, She Lay Gutted was done by a completely different person, who also felt that Deeds Of Flesh's '99 release Path Of The Weakening is great. You yourself also said you like both bands, so I don't see why you'd complain about anything to do with either band, apart from trying to make some point you just don't quite seem to have. By the way, your calling us pussies may actually hold some weight if it weren't for the fact that you're writing all of this shit while hiding behind your computer screen without even stating your name. Just keep angry, and keep flexing in your mirror, one day you too may be tough and cool. By the way, thanks for noticing we're assholes, we do try hard to the biggest assholes we can possibly be. It's hard work you know, we appreciate the compliment.

The Reason I Hated Having To Go To A French School - Dealing With French People:
To: Teufel
From: Erik T Belanger
Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 01:39:17 -0700
Subject: you are the biggest fag ever

haha your a geek

i seen your entry about stratovarius

yes,,it is metal

the metal you probably like is that really dark shit that has no meaning and shitty guitar work and shitty vocals like Korn, limp bizkit, and all that dark satanic shit

its not pop
if i lived near you i would beat you with my guitar you fag

you just jelous cuz the guitar player in stratovarius is one of the best and fastest

why dont you go crawl back in your hole where you belong

go be like your so called "metal" bands and write a song containing of you screaming and beating away at 2 power chords

music is supose to make you feel good
not make you feel suicidal

LOOOOOSEER
lol geeze you suck

Teufel responds:
Ouch. Those sharp words stab like a knife through my heart. A french Canadian, who openly admits to listening to, and loving Stratovarius, called me gay. That's basically the pot calling the kettle black, wouldn't you think? We all know how "technically proficient" they are, I mean, it is incredibly difficult to hold a guitar, make your big rock hair look perfect in front of a fan and stand in one spot all at the same time. If you want speed and versatility, I mean, my goodness, look at how quickly he can change from one guitar to the next while re-applying his eyeliner, blush and lipstick, not to mention replacing the small dildo in his ass with a much larger one. You're so right about the bands I listen to sounding like Limp Bizkit and Korn, I mean... Immolation, Incantation, Disgorge and Depresy are all so one dimensional with their screaming and two power chord plucking. I mean, the John Tesh/Tiny Tim extremity and technicality of Stratovarius is so superior, I don't know how I could have ever been mistaken.

"Death Metal is for brutal people who are capable of killing, it's not for idiotic children who want to have a funny hobby after school." - Euronymous

Nuff said.


Even More Pathetically Sad:
To: Teufel
From: Randall Miller
Date: Sat, 5 Aug 2000 16:54:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: How pathetically sad

After visiting your website, one word comes to mind: Infantile. Essentially, it's just a website to piss people off. I suggest you all get new hobbies rather than getting very excited over who "you're going to offend next". Sheesh, I didn't get offended by anything you wrote, I couldn't take much of it too seriously, since half the reviews were so poorly written. Leif's reviews are pathetically infantile and seem to be there for humor's sake, although I'm not really laughing because his reviews are FUNNY, I'm moreover laughing that somebody actually posts them at the website.

This is just another 'zine in the world of a million 'zines, and while you all are having your success now, eventually the generic album reviews, the Anal Cunt-ish writing style, the ripoff of Infernal Combustion (which was a ripoff to begin with), and many other online 'zines leads me to believe that after your fifteen minutes, this magazine will be what it always was--nothing.

Those "zero out of ten ratings" would be somewhat amusing if you could actually validate them.

Sincerely,

Randy

Teufel responds:
After reading your e-mail, one word comes to mind: unoriginal. Essentially, this is just an e-mail attempting to irritate me. I suggest you find a new hobby rather than getting very excited over how you're going to "get under Teufel's skin". Sheesh, I didn't get offended by anything you wrote, I couldn't take much of it too seriously, since half of the e-mail was so poorly written. Your arguments are pathetically unoriginal and seem to be there to fill space, although I'm not really laughing because your e-mail is ANNOYING, I'm moreover laughing that somebody actually took the time to write and send the e-mail.

This is just another hate mail in a world of a million hate mails, and while you have achieved your goal of getting your hate mail posted on Teufel's Tomb, eventually the generic hate mails, the Rob DelMedico/Darryl Nightshade-ish writing style, the ripoff of Jason Keaton (who was a ripoff to begin with), and many other hate mail writers leads me to believe that after your fifteen minutes, you will be what you always were--nothing.

Those "intelligent arguments" would be somewhat amusing if you could actually validate them.

Love,

Teufel


Fighting Dumbness With Dumberness:
To: Abbas
From: soufiane hassou
Date: Sun, 30 Jul 2000 16:27:43 -0000
Subject: hell on u

zrhzrjh

Teufel responds:
Abbas requested I post this e-mail and try to think of a clever response to it, however, it is so incredibly stupid that I can't think of anything, although while reading it I did discover that I have diarrhea when I attempted to pass wind. It was kind of like running through a sprinkler on a windy day as a Nestle Quick-type substance erupted from my buttocks like lava flowing from a volcano, minus the smoke, although still very hot and wet. It was quite embarrassing, really. I was forced to clench my cheeks together and shuffled to the washroom bowlegged as I tried to contain the secretions within the confines of my bum and briefs. The walk to the washroom was torturous. It felt as though someone had tossed a pie in my trousers as part of some practical joke. Thankfully the walk was brief and there was no one to see me as I'm sure the disgusted and pained expression on my face could show that, indeed, there was something disgustingly wrong. I quickly unbuttoned my pants, and, with my thumbs hooked into the elastic of my briefs, slid them down very slowly and felt the warm air hit the liquidy mess, causing my gag reflex to kick in, as I looked down at my pants dropping to the floor to see the brown stain coating my undies. Gingerly I reached for a roll of toilet paper, pulling off an ample amount, before closing my eyes, reaching back and placing it over the stained area, rubbing gently. The tissue slid around like a car trying to brake while going over a large oil slick, spreading the feces about, like missionaries handing out food to a starving African village. I pulled the tissue away, tossing it in the toilet, then reached for another handful, continuously reaching back, wiping and tossing until mere tiny streaks remained. Looking down into the porcelain bowl, at the pile of soiled tissues, I became disgusted and quickly pressed the lever, flushing it away, then stepped out of my pants, which until that point draped over my ankles and feet, and proceeded to jump into the shower, turning the heat of the water up to a comfortable level and turning around, spraying my bottom with water continuously for nearly an hour until I was satisfied the excrement was gone. The story does have a happy ending, I was able to get the stains out, and did have clean clothes to put on afterwards, and my stomach was calmed by the soothing pink liquid that Pepto Bismol is known for. As far as this e-mail goes, well... it's still incredibly stupid and pointless, much like this story.

Ouch... That'Ll Leave A Mark:
To: Teufel
From: Ibanezbq@###.com
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 03:34:01 EDT
Subject: (no subject)

hey man i was just wondering since you really didnt like that opeth still life cd if we can trade or you cann sell it to me?? been looking all over for it

thanks

Teufel responds:
Considering I have no idea who you are and don't even own the CD since I wasn't the one who reviewed it, then... sure thing, buddy, afterwards we can trade Pokémon, and play some Dungeons & Dragons then bake cookies and go to a cemetary and talk to spirits with a Ouija board! If that wasn't sarcastic, then I don't know what is. hahaha... Loser.

Caus-tic, N.: 2. Sarcastic, Biting: Caustic Wit:
To: Teufel
From: beyond the embrace of christ
Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2000 17:22:34 GMT
Subject:  

intereting site; would be better if the reviews were reviews of the music, and not your opinion. perhaps you do not understand that, ALL music, regardless to the style, is completely subjective; only claims to the truth of complexity and difficulity can be made-- all others (ie: "this band sucks!"), make a claim to the truth of the quality of a SUBJECTIVE entity--one who can be proclaimed neither good nor bad-- and, in doing so, treat truth as if it were relative (this, always, leads to contradiction!). you seem to be rather skilled at doing as so stated above; perhaps a review of reviews would help me illustrate my point-- mail me if they are necessary.

anthony

Teufel responds:
re-view1, n.:
1. A repeated or new view or study of something; a retrospective survey. 2. A lesson studied or recited again. 3. Critical study or examination. 4. An article containing a critical discussion of some work.

re-view2, v.:
1. To go over or examine again; look at or study again. 2. To look back upon; think of retrospectively. 3. To make an inspection of, esp. formally. 4. To write or make a critical review of, as a new book.

crit-ic, n.:
1. One who judges the merits of anything by some standard of criterion. 2. A skilled judge of literary, theatrical, or other artistic creations. 3. One who judges severely.

crit-i-cal, adj.:
1. Given to faultfinding or severe judgements; carping. 2. Exhibiting careful, precise judgements; analytical: a "critical" report. 3. Of or characteristic of a critic or criticism.

crit-i-cism, n.:
1. The act of criticizing, esp. disapprovingly. 2. A severe or unfavorable judgement. 3. The art of making informed and discriminating judgements. 4. The occupation or profession of a critic. 5. A review, article, or commentary expressing a critical judgement.

stu-pid ass, adj.:
1. A person who attempts to make himself sound intellectually superior by speaking down to someone well above him in intelligence and power. 2. A person who attempts to be taken seriously while hiding behind a pseudonym and free-mail account. 3. A person who attempts to complain to the author of a website who's daily readership tops 15,000 and who's entertaining writing style has created such a stir among the underground metal community that over one thousand copies of the first issue of his magazine have been pre-sold, not including the hundreds of dollars already collected for advertisement. 4. A kid with too much spare time using a very silly gothic screen name who speaks before he thinks; anthony.


Behind The Tomb - The Review Process Revealed!:
To: Teufel
From: Thrasher
Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2000 11:17:35 -0500
Subject: question

Hi
I'm assuming you're the owner of teufelstomb...
I was wondering, what made you choose the people you did to do the reviews in the reviews section besides yourself?
I am completely confused as to why they were let to even voice their opinions....

Teufel responds:
Well, Thrasher, that's quite an intelligent name by the way, your assumption is correct, I am the owner of Teufel's Tomb. Your question is a valid one, and I have been asked it many times and, until now I have kept it a secret, but now I will break my silence and come clean. The other writers are not adults, nor are they knowledgeable about metal in the least. Each writer is, in fact, a fat school child too slow to escape my wrath. You see, a hobby of mine is to terrorize school children by chasing them around, if I capture one I slap them around until they begin to cry. Since I happen to become very bored with writing reviews, I drag the child back to my place and chain them to a chair and force them to listen to the albums I despise and tell them they will not leave until a review is done. If they happen to enjoy the particular song or band I despise, I beat them and begin various forms of torture I learned in the jungle while serving in 'Nam. All negative reviews are typed through tear-filled bloodshot eyes of the obese pig, and they are not set free until I am satisfied with the results. Upon being released they are sworn to secrecy and told to never speak of the acts of horror unleashed upon them. Should they dare speak of it to anyone, I hunt them down and force them to sit through eight hours of Golgotha before making them write more reviews for me. Now 'Thrasher', I do realize that my reply to your e-mail was complete bullshit and very dumb, but hey... what kind of response did you expect for such an incredibly stupid question? Do your parents a favor and go kill yourself.

Part Man, Part Stool, All Tree Hugger:
To: Teufel
From: Chris
Date: Fri, 21 Jul 2000 00:41:53 -0700
Subject: Comments

What's up guys -

Just wanted to write in to tell you the site is dynamic and cool to look at - all except for the absolutely ridiculous opinions and TERRIBLE reviews. I noticed you get a lot of hate mail and now I see why. This isn't hate mail, this is just honesty in its purest form. Please tell me the site is a joke. Opeth - Still Life, 0/10. Wow, that is really funny. You know those talentless Opeth guys just can't write music. Geez, you folks know how to listen don't you....?

I don't expect that you should expect anyone to take your site seriously until at least the day you get some competent writers and persons who know how to listen and review with an open mind and at least an ounce of credibility.

So there you have it. Now, look, I didn't use a bit of profanity and all I ask in return is that when you write back to flame me you do so in the fair manner I presented my opinions. The fact that you get so much hate mail is testimony to how many folks think your reviews are baseless. Yes, you are entitled to your opinions but one has to wonder where on earth you got the people you did to write your reviews.

Oh well, better luck next time.

Late.

Teufel responds:
Just out of curiosity, are you absolutely retarded? I realize you are a tree hugging earth lover (the Pangea e-mail address kind of gave it away), therefore have the intelligence of a mold-covered rock, but isn't it rather obvious... possibly even completely obvious that: 1) Teufel's Tomb is a DEATH METAL oriented website. 2) Leif has been listening to black metal long before the popularity of 'pop black metal' of the late 90s and is completely disgusted by the cheese trend. 3) Throughout the website we continuously mention the reviews of the site are harsh and brutally honest. 4) Read and re-read the paragraph at the top of hate mail page. Now then, as far as your claim that people find our reviews to be baseless and worthless, then how do you explain the hundreds of e-mails I receive weekly asking for my opinions of bands, because, and I quote "You pull no punches and don't bullshit, like the other magazines I've read."? How about the fact that the first issue of Teufel's Tomb Magazine, which is not even 50% complete, has already pre-sold over 1000 copies? Are you sure it's we, who don't know what we're talking about, or perhaps the enormous steaming pile of shit is the thing staring you in the face every morning when you look in the mirror? I'll let you ponder about that one for a while.

Well Gawwwwwwwwwwlly, Looks Like We've Upset Ya'll:
To: Teufel
From: GiDgEtGoDeSs17@##.com
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 01:43:12 EDT
Subject: fags

yall are so typical yall have to hate everyband that gets popular i hpope one day your going to piss chris barnnes off and he skull fucks your stupiod asses

die soon please,

gidgetgoddess

Teufel responds:
Well golly, Gidge. We at the Tomb are so gosh darn upset for upsetting ya'll, that we've decided to hang ourselves. Ya'll is so right for saying we hate every band that gets popular, I mean, golly, I designed the website for Napalm Death, a band who's sold well over 500,000 albums in their career, for free, I mean, gosh... I really do hate them bands who get so popular. Abbas too, he loves them there boys in Mayhem and Krisiun, and that, there Destro can't get enough of that Immortal, mmmhmmm. Yep, we sure are a bunch of gosh darn poseurs. We'd better be careful of that Chris Barnes too, I mean, goodness knows what that three apple high, buck-ten stoner who has never been in a real fight in his life is liable of doing. He may just gnaw on our ankles... or most likely just drop his drawers, hand us a jar of mayo, bend over, bite a pillow and hope we get the idea of what he wants to happen next. *shudders* Scary.

Now This Is How To Write A Good Hate E-mail:
To: Teufel
From: James
Date: Sun, 9 Jul 2000 21:43:39 -0700
Subject: you suck

what ruins death metal is dick heads like you, and all these bands that sound like shit. thats all good bye

Teufel responds:
Finally! I can't believe it actually happened, but someone has actually written me a hate e-mail that is coherent. Direct. Simple. To the point. This is great, James. Stay in school and keep up the good work!

Quantum Physics 101:
To: Teufel
From: jim gannatsious
Date: Sat, 8 Jul 2000 16:24:36 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: hey man

hey man you fuckin stink of whore shit, Nile, Krisiun are not overrated but rather you have cock fungus in your ears to realize what good metal is, you think that all that boring Grind shit is aweosome, oh yea Disgorge are the most original band ever man!! they sing about topics that have been sung about millions of times, play old ass riffs and you are a biased motherfucker that should be listening to POP not Metal cause you my friend are a fat fucker that eats GrannyPussy.

Teufel responds:
You don't actually have a clue what jibberish you're spewing, do you? It does not take a quantum physicist to realize that the Disgorge I reviewed is a TECHNICAL BRUTAL DEATH METAL group from San Diego, California, not the Mexican grind group by the same name. You also do not need to be a brain surgeon to realize that neither Nile, nor Krisiun write even remotely original lyrics either; King Diamond, hell, even Metallica have already covered the Egyptian theme before, and Krisiun sing about anti-Christianity, much in the same way as 70% of death metal bands do. It is also factual that neither Nile nor Krisiun write overly original music either. Nile 'borrows' heavily from Incantation and Morbid Angel, whereas Krisiun rip off Dementor, Vader, Deicide and Slayer, every chance they get. As far as being fat, that's certainly not the case, those granny pussies are so dry it's almost impossible to gather any nectar from those hunnies, keeping my physique quite trim. Sorry, Jim, but it seems you are not a brain surgeon, nor a rocket scientist. You're not even mentally qualified enough to push a broom around a 7/11, so it's quite obvious you most certainly are not qualified to attempt to speak your mind and state an opinion. Stay brutal, tough guy, maybe some day your thick skull may come in handy when someone is looking for something to bang their piece of flint against to start a fire.

The Silly Things Kids Say:
To: Teufel
From: Patricia Nichol
Date: Sat, 1 Jul 2000 22:10:16 -0700
Subject: MY COMPLIMENTS ;-)

HELLO YOU STUPID FUCKING COCK SUCKING BUTT PIRATE ASS RAPING PIECE OF SHIT, DO THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD A FAVOR AND TAKE DOWN THIS SITE, HELL IF YOU WERE A MEXICAN YOU WOULD BE GIVING THEM A BAD NAME YOU PEICE OF FUCKING CANADIAN SHIT. GOD DAMN DUDE, EVERY REVIEW I READ OF YOURS SOUNDED LIKE A DAMN JEWISH READING RESPONCE TO THE NEW AGE MUSIC OF DEATH METAL. YOU SHOULDNT EVEN HAVE THE WORDS "DEATH METAL" IN YOUR SITE YOU MIGHT AS WELL CHANGE IT TO 10 YEARS OLD AND UNDER ANAL RAPE SURVIVORS OF THE JEWISH PARTY. YOUR A GOD DAMN JEW YOU PEICE OF SHIT. WHY DONT YOU GO DO US A BIG FAVOR AND TAKE THE 3 STEPS OF PURITY
1 GO INTO THE NEAREST KNIFE SHOP
2 GRAB A KNIFE
3 STICK IT IN YOUR FUCKING HEART
IT WILL MAKE EVERY ONE HAPPIER AND MABYE YOU'LL BRING SOME RESPECT BACK TO YOUR FAMILY NAME YOU FUCKING FAG. TAKE DOWN THE FUCKING SITE, HELL MOST DEATH METAL SITES HAVE NIGGERS A MEXICANS SAYING IT'S SHIT YOU HAVE THE DAMN DEATH METAL SOCIETY SAYING IT'S SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS? FUCK MAN, ARE YOU THAT STUPID???

Teufel responds:
I had to read this e-mail a few times to try to understand what you were saying, considering you have the writing skills of a limbless mute with a nervous twitch and down syndrome. After reading through it a half dozen times I finally began to understand what you're really trying to tell me: you love me. I was a bit shocked when I first came to this realization, however it's rather obvious you are in need of loving. Upon reading the lustful exchange between Sarah and I you decided that hatred was the best way into my heart, pants and bed. I must admit I am very flattered, however your angry comments lack the originality and pure hatred of those of dear, sweet Sarah. It will take much more than mere lust to win me away from her and her threats of sadomasochistic acts. Next time try candy and flowers, we gentlemen do appreciate that stuff too, you know.

Who Needs To Think Of Anything Original Or Interesting To Say When You're This Stupid?:
To: Teufel
From: Parsa Bremen
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2000 22:11:25 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Read This.....

Sup, I checked out your site and I thought it was pretty cool untill I saw the ratings section. You have the worst fucking ratings I have ever seen. While browsing your site I also checked out your "Hate Mail" section. I have never seen so many hate mails in my entire life. When reading and replying to all of those hate mails, have you ever said to yourself "Man, people really hate my site. My site must really suck ass."?
I don't think you ever have. Do the death metal community a big favor and take down your site. It seriously sucks ass. Realize that your ratings suck, even though they are based on your opinion, and anytime an angry person complains about a specific rating, the only reply you have is "All of my ratings are my opinions, if you don't like it, fuck yourself."
Well, we dont give a rats ass if it is your opinion or not, the whole thing is, your ratings suck, nobody likes you, and you are Canadian (Yes, Canadians suck).
Stop wasting your and other peoples time, take down the shitty site.

Fuck Yourself,

Parse The Camel Killer

Teufel responds:
ahahahahaha... I love this e-mail. This is great. I guess I should be angry and offended by all of the things you said, but I'm not, I'm flattered, actually. Yes, flattered that you would actually take the time out of your day to, not only send this e-mail, which is basically just restating the exact same argument in the most recent message forum thread, but you also created your own e-mail account specifically for this message, and not just any e-mail account, but a gimmick account about my country of origin sucking. hahahaha... I thought I had tons of spare time, I was actually feeling kinda bad about how much spare time I had, but this e-mail basically helped me realize that as little of a life as I may have, there are people out there with even less of a life than me. If anything, e-mails like this do nothing more than make me rededicate myself to making the website even more obnoxious and opinionated. Any time I become discouraged or disinterested in the site, I get a hate mail that cheers me up and makes me work twice as hard on the site as before. If you really want Teufel's Tomb to die out, try complimenting me, nothing is more irritating than an e-mail telling me I'm doing a good job. As far as the number rating, who cares? The only reason I even put numbers up there is to just confirm that metal heads can indeed count, since most can't read, let alone write. By the way, next time you go to the trouble of creating a freemail account, try finding one where the originating IP isn't traceable. God damn, kid, when I was 15 I was out partying every night during my summer holidays, maybe you should unplug your computer, go outside and get some fresh air. You seriously need to at least pull your head out of your ass, the carbon monoxide of your flatulence is killing what few brain cells remain in that empty head of yours. The Camel Killer... hahahahaha... That's great.

The 'What The Fuck Are You Talking About?' E-mail Of The Month Part 2:
To: Teufel
From: ModernChaos21@###.com
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 17:04:26 EDT
Subject: (no subject)

well gay, Gee I'm sorry jay!

I read the simple minded reply to my mention of a true legend but you tried your hardest to what? Thats what I want to know. I don't believe your really that cool I mean come on what the hell kind of reply was that, beer making more like some how you've told me about your lifetime goal. You obviously know nothing. It probably has something to do with infinity, gee thats probably to deep for such a smart guy as yourself. Anyways I was truly disappointed by the dumbest reply or letter I've ever read in my life, well this one anyways. God I actually thought that this had some decent staff on this web page but you made my mind and actually turned my opinion. I'm sorry I every even wasted my time on seeing the page, writing an e-mail, and this letter is just the same. I thought well heres some guys that seem to know a little about deathmetal, probably even more than most, well only if you were compared to mtv fans. No wonder why no one wants to listen to this music. Only because people see shitty, no minded, fucking sub-intellect, pieces of obviously shit, something that I will step on in the future and become mildly annoyed, loser, butt fucking (which by the way seems very obvious for the fact that is what you guys seem to focus on in other letters as well as with each other), poorest excuse to represent any music but one anothers sweet sound of the smack of your anus on each others small dicks, most uneducated fucking idiot supposit representation of fans. This web site and FAGS like yourself or lick yourself, excuse me, really don't help deathmetal they just hinder it as well as your poor undisvering families to have such pathetic nothings. I hope I never meet you guys and I will never have my band on this shitty web site, sorry but I hate you all. Oh yah as far as my stupid band goes, you'll see and regret the day you tried, tried, tried to even come close to trying to insult me.

Sincerely,
Modern Chaos

Teufel responds:
Alright, I've had a few beers before reading this one, and it seems as though... no... wait... hmm... I think I need to drink some more and try reading this e-mail again, it seems as though young Kevin is still as incoherent as ever. Let's dissect your e-mail and see if we can't find any intelligent life that way, shall we?

> well gay, Gee I'm sorry jay!

Well, you're proving you're extremely mature and adult, at least, good start.

> I read the simple minded reply to my mention of a true legend but you tried
> your hardest to what? Thats what I want to know.

You've already lost me, Kevin. Are you refering to Chuck Schuldiner? We are aware who he is, Kev, we do know what he has done, but, unlike you, we do not worship him to the point that we would try to suck the cancer out of his head... oh, by the way, you can get up off your knees, the cancer is in the other head...

> I don't believe your really that cool I mean come on what the hell kind of reply
> was that, beer making more like some how you've told me about your lifetime goal.

His lifetime goal is to make beer? Kevin, just how drunk were you when you wrote this?

> You obviously know nothing. It probably has something to do with infinity, gee thats
> probably to deep for such a smart guy as yourself.

We do understand the concept of infinity, Kev, we've basically been waiting an infinite amount of time for you to begin to say anything that could even be mistaken as sounding remotely coherent.

> Anyways I was truly disappointed by the dumbest reply or letter I've ever read in my life,
> well this one anyways.

Umm... yes, your reply is stupid, glad you noticed.

> God I actually thought that this had some decent staff on this web page but you made my mind
> and actually turned my opinion.

We always thought you were an idiot, and still think so today.

> I'm sorry I every even wasted my time on seeing the page, writing an e-mail, and this letter
> is just the same.

So are we. Believe me, so are we...

> I thought well heres some guys that seem to know a little about deathmetal, probably even
> more than most, well only if you were compared to mtv fans. No wonder why no one wants to
> listen to this music. Only because people see shitty, no minded, fucking sub-intellect,
> pieces of obviously shit, something that I will step on in the future and become mildly
> annoyed, loser, butt fucking (which by the way seems very obvious for the fact that is what
> you guys seem to focus on in other letters as well as with each other), poorest excuse to
> represent any music but one anothers sweet sound of the smack of your anus on each others
> small dicks, most uneducated fucking idiot supposit representation of fans.

Yes, apparently in the week since you last e-mailed us, we lost all comprehension about what death metal is all about and now know nothing about the genre. That makes sense. What's with you and your obsession with stepping on shit anyway? That's just not normal. As for death metal fans, have you ever spoken to a death metal fan? Good luck finding one with an IQ higher than yours... if you forgot what yours is, just check the label on your shoe it should tell you.

> This web site and FAGS like yourself or lick yourself, excuse me, really don't help
> deathmetal they just hinder it as well as your poor undisvering families to have such
> pathetic nothings.

That was one of the most brilliant statements I've heard in a long time. Making fun of you for being a quarter-wit wounds the scene and our... what? Our undeserving families? That entire sentence makes no sense. I bet I could make a more coherent sentence by just stringing random words together. For example; The dog fire ran face shoe chaos milk stream door whip. Makes sense to me.

> I hope I never meet you guys and I will never have my band on this shitty web site, sorry but
> I hate you all.

Just saying you will is not good enough, you must promise, nay, you must swear to never e-mail us again *AND* you must swear to never send us anything related to your band, no shitty promos, no crappy demos, nothing. The penalty for going against this should be death.

> Oh yah as far as my stupid band goes, you'll see and regret the day you tried, tried, tried
> to even come close to trying to insult me.

Kevin, we never insulted you, we merely mocked you since nothing you said made any sense. Even in your final words, you make absolutely no sense at all. Do the world, your family, and everyone unfortunate enough to have ever come in contact with you a big favor, seal yourself up inside of a chimney and start a big fire and don't come out until there's nothing left of you but smoldering ashes.


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