It's been a while since I've had hate mail up on the website, then again, it's been a while since I've updated the site on a regular basis. I've decided to bring back the hate since I'm basically just tired of listening to people tell me endlessly how great I am, sometimes it feels good to be humbled. That and people seem to be greatly amused by the stupidity of other people. Remember kids; it's only funny when everyone points and laughs together, so come join Uncle Toofie in his utter humiliation of undersexed, underaged and mentally malnourished morons.
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If Only Count Grishnackh Would Escape And Put More Retards Out Of Their Misery...:
To: Leif
From: E.V.Standing_99
Date: Sat, 19 May 2001 15:26:03 +0100
Subject:  

I just looked at the 'Wolf's Lair Abyss' review. The vocalist on 'Deathcrush' was Messiah, not Maniac.

Teufel responds:
Pardon me a moment.

*clears his throat and rubs his hands together, then throws his hands up into the air and bellows*

ANYONE WHO IS NOT A TOTAL FUCKING RETARD AND COMPLETE AND UTTER ASS POSEUR KNOWS THAT MESSIAH ONLY DID BACKING VOCALS ON THE COVER OF VENOM'S WITCHING HOUR AND PURE FUCKING ARMAGEDDON ON DEATHCRUSH! MANIAC WAS LEAD VOCALIST FROM 1986-1988 AND RETURNED TO TAKE OVER THE VOCAL DUTIES IN 1995! DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BE A SMART ASS KNOW-IT-ALL IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!

*lowers his hands, takes a deep breath and continues*

Thank you. This has been a special presentation by Teufel's Tomb. We now return you to your regularly scheduled hate mail replies


A Grand Declaration Of Faggotry:
To: Angry Norse
From: Juras66.6
Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2001 21:33:21 +0200
Subject:  

Hey what the fuck!? Whats wrong with the "Grand Declaration Of War"??? Are you deaf or what? This album kicks ass and I can say its the best Mayhem's album. If you say theres no riffs then you had to listen to song no12. Shit! Who the hell let you saying like this!? I love "De Mysteriis..." too but theres nothing to compare to. Maniac's vocals are far better than Atylla's chants! They makes me laugh sometimes. And Euro was a fuck not a guitarist - so stop shittin Blasphemer. He totally ruled!

total MayheM!!!

Angry Norse responds:
Hey, what the fuck? What *is* wrong with Grand Declaration of War? I mean, other than the fact that it's a fucking disgrace to the name Mayhem, black metal, Euronymous, Dead and pretty much anyone who had as much as a little inkling of an idea what Mayhem were once about. Other than that, I can't think of anything. If you could manage to pull your head from my mother's crotch for long enough to form a structured thought, I'd like to hear your side of the story. Too bad that just isn't going to happen, Juras. That album does not kick anything else than maybe a couple tombstones, and it cannot hold as much one of the broken candles you fuck yourself in the ass with on Tuesday nights to Live in Leipzig nor De Mysteriis dom Sathanas or even fucking The Dawn of the Black Hearts. There ARE no riffs on that album. Not a single fucking riff. I don't even have to double dare your Polish ass to find one, 'cause I know as well as I know your mother there is no such thing to be found. As far as Maniac compared to Atilla - I won't even contemplate whether or not you're on crack. Maniac could be fisting himself with brass knuckles on and he couldn't sound stupider. Atilla has character - there is no vocalist who sounds anything like him - Maniac attempts to imitate Chuck D. of Public Enemy and falls flat on his ass like every other white rapper out there after Vanilla Ice put the mic on the shelf. I'm not even going to bother saying the obvious about Euronymous' guitar playing seeing as you will never understand it if you haven't already. As far as Blasphemer goes - he has a charming beard and he is a talented guitarist, but his work on Grand Declaration of War isn't worth the cheap vinyl it's printed on.

Total fucking homosexuality! Hail and kill! \m/!!!


Who Says Powerglam Metal Fans Are Gay? Well... Apart From Powerglam Metal Fans...:
To: Teufel
From: SAM MCCASLIN
Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 12:26:48 -0800
Subject: Stratovarius

You must be a complete fucking moron to think Stratovarius isn't metal. Who the FUCK are you to be reviewing their albums? You are a nobody - a piece of shit cookie monster-lover with no idea of what metal is all about. Why don't you SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH and try writing an album half as good as infinite you death freak. Suck my dick you poser.

FUCKING SCUMBAG.

Teufel responds:
Why do all of the fans of this band have a thing for having other men suck their cock? Oh... wait... never mind... I just answered my own question.

Extreme Power Metal Breeds Extremely Stupid Fans:
To: Jay Destro
From: tobias mutha
Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 21:50:35 -0600 (CST)
Subject: cradle of filth midian

first of all im a power metal fan (slayer, nevermore, virgin steele, shadowkeep-best debut album ive ever heard). i own not one black metal cd, but i listened to this at a record store and quite frankly i liked 9 of the 11 songs i heard. will i end up buying this-probably so. first the speed of the songs impressed me and the shock of the lyrics makes it a good read. matter of fact warrel dane of nevermore is called a lyrical genious by some but this guy is awesome. matter fact the only groups in metal who compare to the lyrical beauty of this is carcass and skyclad. also i thought this dani guy was just the deep growl but he really sounds like linda blair's devil child. giving this a zero is review retardation. an if you dont like power metal dont review it, i dont like rap so i wouldnt review it or support those white hating motherfuckers. by the way whats yur top 3 groups and top 3 songs of all time. oh i think you would like me to finish this with a your a bloody kotex that hangs from aids infected rotten cunt

Jay Destro responds:
> first of all im a power metal fan (slayer, nevermore, virgin steele,
shadowkeep-best debut album ive ever heard).

Since when is slayer a power metal band you pile of downs syndrome semen?

> i own not one black metal cd,

Then you have no authority trying to tell me that what I feel about this faggot fest on plastic is wrong, you have no experience listening to the genre, hence your opinion means dick.

> but i listened to this at a record store and quite frankly i liked 9
> of the 11 songs i heard.

I bet you liked 12 of the 12 cocks you sucked in your trip to the glory hole, cockboy.

>will i end up buying this-probably so. first
>the speed of the songs impressed me and the shock of the lyrics makes it
>a good read.

Shockvalue works on high school girls and virgin boys.

> matter of fact warrel dane of nevermore is called a
> lyrical genious by some but this guy is awesome.

Who cares?

> matter fact the only
> groups in metal who compare to the lyrical beauty of this is carcass and
> skyclad.

I just threw away my carcass CDs thanks to you, now that I know a blithering fool like yourself enjoys a band I like very much, it makes no sense to continue... Why must you create such turmoil in my very busy life?

> also i thought this dani guy was just the deep growl but he
> really sounds like linda blair's devil child.

Comparing Dani to a little girl, wow your first good observation, you pedophile you.

> giving this a zero is
> review retardation. an if you dont like power metal dont review it, i
> dont like rap so i wouldnt review it or support those white hating
> motherfuckers.

Attention sense department: Help this boy build some, cause he obviously isn't making ANY on his own.

> by the way whats yur top 3 groups and top 3 songs of all time.

That's none of your business pizza face, go read the top 10s for 2000.

> oh i think you would like me to finish this with a your a bloody
> kotex that hangs from aids infected rotten cunt

I should wash out your mouth with soap for using such language... you dirty little boy. I hope your parents are proud of the drooling fool they produced in you.


KISS - The Kings Of Evil Devil Worshipping Black Metal:
To: Teufel
From: anra16@#####.dk
Date: Fri, 02 Mar 2001 11:21:19 +0100 (CET)
Subject: FUCK YOU!

Every damn review on your page is nothing more than you two fucking wimps who are bitching about metal... None of you faggots now anything about the scandinavian metal scene.. You fucking queers would hope that all bands become like Metallica so you could live peachy with your own patheticness.. Calling Immortal faggots and bitches...How dear you?!! They would tear your heart in two.. Cut you in pieces and bath in your blood.. If they dont, I do!!! Fucking Cannadian mammas-boy.. Start a page about Britney Spears if you´re hoping to get just a little succes in your worthless life, you faggot-piece-of-shit... Not even a priest could forgive you being such a wimp!! Come to Scandinavia and let me now!! Then I´m gonna show you guys, why we wear corpse make-up, and knifes.. To scare bitches like you! To kill and get rid of all you fakebitches who are fucking up worldwidemetal!! SHAME ON YOU!!! R.I.H.(Rot In Hell)..

P.S. I feel a lot better now... Piece Of Shit!

Teufel responds:
Two wimps? I'll have you know there are nine of us wimps. Individually we could get our asses kicked by pre-teen girl scouts, however, with our powers of gayness combined we are a lean, mean, sodomizing machine. We're like Planeteers, and Teufel's Tomb is our Captain Planet, only we don't gain our superpowers from the earth, we gain strength from the stupidity of slack jawed, limp wristed and deeply lisping metewl fans such as yourself. It's people like you who ruin the reputation for intelligent metal listeners such as ourselves. You run around the countryside with your swords and your make up like lost Trekkies looking for a Star Wars convention to invade with your Klingon brethren. Let's make one thing perfectly clear here, Gene Simmons is the only person on this planet who can make wearing make-up look cool and evil, and he was doing that long before he sprayed his demon seed into your mother's cauliflower cunt. What the fuck do you run around the forest with swords for? Who are you going to fight? I don't see the knights of the round table invading you. The funniest part is if you were to enter one of those time portals and were to come face to face with TRUE Scandinavian warriors... the Vikings, they would first laugh at you, then behead every 'true evil black metal warrior' with a quick flip of the wrist while you all ran off screaming like little girls at the sight of blood. I can guarantee there isn't a single person in black metal who would survive in medieval warfare... hell... you guys are too busy running around stabbing each other to death in your underwear anyway. I suppose I could be afraid of you and your Scandinavian black metal warrior kind, but I'd have to stop laughing first.

The Most Illiterate Intellect In The Metal Scene Speaketh:
To: Teufel
From: deathcrown@#######.net
Date: Sun, 18 Feb 2001 12:05:20 Gmt +0200
Subject: Hate mail

Hey! Nice to see you have a hate mail section. Its no wonder considering how many flaming compositions you recieve. Since no matter how polite the criticism you are sent is ultimately answered back with a scathing and childish response, I might as well beat you to the punch and tell you and your "writers" that collectively, you have got to be the most inept slew of ass-backward, inbred, fucking failed abortions to infect the internet. Its bad enough you assholes can't even write decent reviews but you unquestionably write these pieces of editorial trash to get a rise out of those who visit your worthless site. So why don't you just admit you are all products of anal birth, with no understanding of musicianship or creativity and, above all, how to write a fucking review! You think you're real clever with all your childish insults when you are fingered for the pricks you are. Shit, if that's the way you want it, might as well fight fire with fire, or in this case, shit with shit and stoop to your cretinous level and call a spade a spade eh? Ya know, its not that your taste in Metal sucks because I can't fault someone for having diverse likings. However, none of you seem to have a grasp on anything other than ripping away on typically popular bands and their achievements with grade school efficiency. In newsgroups you dickheads are called trolls. Did you ever once stop to wonder WHY you get so much hate mail? Gee is it because everyone else in the underground is a complete asshole, or is really just YOU and your cohorts? Now think about that but don't strain your primitive, unevolved brain stems. Have another enema and change those tampons once in a while and be sure to actually ingest some of the mail you get. Perhaps, SOMEDAY in the distant future, you will realize that you really ARE idiots who wouldn't know good Metal from an aluminum can. Fuckbrains. Your serve. This ought to be good I'm sure since you are far better at talking shit than writing reviews.

Teufel responds:
Haven't I been saying this for years? I think we totally suck, and it's good to see that people with GOOD taste agree with me. In fact, I don't even like metal. I only pretend to be into metal to get skanky metal bitches... unfortunately I'm ugly and that plan has failed horribly. It probably doesn't help that I have a laughably small penis as well. Hmm... yea... we suck... it's great, isn't it? I wonder what the rest of the staff have to say. Are we not the gayest bunch of faggots this side of Rob Halford's bedroom?

Angry Norse responds:
Hi. I am the Angry Norse. I am among the most inept slew of ass-backward, inbred, fucking failed abortions to infect the internet. It's bad enough I can't even write a decent review, but I am also a flaming homosexual and I have OCD. I only write reviews to annoy other people, in an attempt to make my own problems seem smaller. I also have OCD. I must admit - I am a product of anal birth with no understanding of musicianship or creativity or above all how to write a fucking review. I think I am real clever with my childish insults when I am fingered for the prick I am. I have OCD. A spade is a spade, and my taste in metal is shit. I have zero grasp of anything else than ripping away on typically popular bands and their achievements with grade school efficiency and incomprehensibly obvious although unintentional proof that I have OCD. in newsgroups, pricks like me are called trolls. The other day I stopped masturbating to wonder why Teufel's Tomb receives as much hate mail as it does. I think not it is because everyone else in the underground are complete assholes (although this is fact), but rather that I and my cohorts fit such a description. I, however, am the only person on Teufel's Tomb who has OCD. Thinking about this strained my primitive unevolved brain stems. After finishing my masturbation session I had another enema, changed my tampons (I fit three in my ass now) and attempted to actually ingest some of the mail Teufel's Tomb receives. Perhaps some day in the future I will realize that I really am an idiot who cannot tell an aluminum can from an aluminum can. I am a fuckbrain with OCD. I serve.

Jay Destro responds:
Duh, you're a fag, Duh. Duh. Your Mom. Duh. You are gay. Duh. I think I that was close enough to your comprehension level.

Nameless Dread responds:
Hey, "fagcrown," when I get my thesis done on the evolution of forensic psychology as pertains to Medieval vampirism, funereal ritualism and satanic murders (an utterly laborious process, but ultimately rewarding,) I'll have to forward you a copy to proof-read, and perhaps give me some "helpful hints" on, since you are obviously of such a profoundly superior mind. I would tell you to blow your soft-brained idiocy out of your supple little homosexual rosebud, but your pedophilic father's leathery, blood-swollen cock is there (My god, I'm a poetaster!).

Damian responds:
You poor sniveling swine. You writhe about in your comfy little shit-stained, cum-smeared lazy boy rubbing your upturned snout on the monitor sitting atop your mother's desk and attempt desperately to bash a website that loves to be bashed. Amidst all of your whit and scanty "mature" babble, you have just defeated your own purpose, accomplishing nothing. Why do you think the site has an entire section devoted to hate mail? Because spoiled little blubberballs such as yourself take pride in focusing your energies on a worthless self expression that will only be laughed at and mocked. Do you truly think people visit the hate mail section on Teufel's Tomb to sympathize with the likes of you? I think not. You are currently the entertainment for hundreds each day on the site. Perhaps your intentions are to gain some sort of miniscule stardom hoping that your "intricate" and well-thought-out mail will be posted for all to see. Well, it will be, but you might as well walk into the streets with an unwiped ass with your fat ankles toppling over the side of your shit-upon Nikes if you wish to receive the attention you didn't get as a child. Or do you actually miss the good 'ol days when daddy would slip those $20 bills under the bathroom doors for his knightly doorknob polishing. Well here's a door knob you can polish, kiddie...and if you don't do it right, I'll kick you in the ass so hard you'll have to clear your throat to take a shit.

Lovelorn responds:
> since no matter how polite the criticism you are sent is ultimately
> answered back with a scathing and childish response, I might as well
> beat you to the punch and tell you and your "writers" that collectively,
> you have got to be the most inept slew of ass-backward, inbred, fucking
> failed abortions to infect the internet.

HEY LOOK AT ME I AM, 'DEATHCROWN' I MAKE RUN, ON SENTENCES AND I USE, TOO MANY COMMAS, AND I GET SO SO, MAD AT TEUFEL AND, HIS TOMB.

> Its bad enough you assholes can't even write
> decent reviews but you unquestionably write these pieces of editorial trash
> to get a rise out of those who visit your worthless site.

LOOK LIKE, WE, GET A, RISE OUT, OF YOU HAHAH,AHAHA, GET FUCKED, YA POOFTER CUNT!!!


Overhyped Boring Hate Mailer... I Think?:
To: Leif
From: mart pie
Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2001 18:43:28 +0000 (GMT)
Subject: fuck you

Who the hell are you to say that Galder is a "huge asshole" ???
Then what should YOU be ??? huge motherfucker ??? Yeah I think so. And I think "Overhyped Boring Black Metal" is only what YOU could create... and definitely not Galder's music... helped by the mighty Gene Hoglan. Cause of course, YOU are good and can create music... Fuck cares about what keeps you awoken, asshole.

Leif responds:
Pretty strong words from someone from England....a nation of sissies.

Teufel responds:
I'd agree if I had any idea what the fuck he just said.

Brujeria? Who Cares-ia?:
To: Teufel
From: Alberto A Gonzalez
Date: Thu, 25 Jan 2001 22:11:19 -0500
Subject: VALENTINE LETTER FOR TEUFEL

Dear teufel:
First of all i'am a MEXICAN fucking metal head, and i sincerley want to tell you: i have never heard any queerest name what the fuck is that shit sound like ETUFEY with fucking homocrawfish upon the rice.
You know even i dont speak fucking english i came up with enough words to say YOU FUCKING SUCK!
You're the kind of stupid bitches that think you're the smartest ass in the metal stuff. Let me tell you metal was born for hellish creatures and i think you belong to some fucking PIG FARM FULL OF SHIT AND COUNTRY MUSIC.
Your'e propably one of those backstreetfuckingboys/n'sync listeners talking shit about good bands like DIMMU BORGIR or CRADLE OF FILTH. You know who is JUAN BRUJO (surely not , but he fucking worship SATAN , "Y MATA GUEROS" in english stupid bastard "HE KILL WHITE BOYS AND FAGOTS LIKE YOU SPECIALY") He have 5 CANDLES BURNING FOR YOU and a fucking lamb liver hanging from his neck . But dont panic, dont be affraid you'll be soon on the planet of faggots. The last thing i want to say is CHINGA TU PENDEJA, PERRA Y PUTA MADRE DEATH TO FAGGOTS-------------------
MY NAME IS SATIRUS
#############
HOUSTON TX #####
I FUCKING HATE YOU
Ps. i'll be glad to read a letter from you PISS OFF!

Teufel responds:
Let me get this straight... you're a Mexican death metal fan living in Houston, yet your IP address states your sending the e-mail from Boston? I'm pretty sure no Mexican is smart enough to figure out how to spoof an IP, which leads me to believe that you're little more than a sad person living in Boston trying to give Mexican death metal fans the reputation for being ridiculous retards. For the record Brujeria is an American death metal act featuring members of Fear Factory, Napalm Death, Dimmu Borgir and Faith No More. Two of the members are white non-Hispanic non-North Americans. The only killing Juan Brujo has ever done is his brain cells when he's forced to sit in the same cramped room as Dino after he eats a plateful of burritos. Even he is ashamed of people like you. I hope you're happy, you've disgraced an entire country with your stupidity.

He Made Me An Offer I Couldn't Refuse... So I Laughed And Walked Away:
To: Teufel
From: Mikhail Capone
Date: Sat, 13 Jan 2001 14:09:21 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Just a simple question

Hi Editor (whoever's in charge of that position),

Just a simple question; why don't you get rid of Leif? Just in case you never took the time to read his reviews, he can't write and absolutely cannot give any useful informations about the MUSIC he is supposed to be reviewing.

Maybe you never realized that, but everybody who read one of his review immediatly stop taking your webzine seriously and you loose all credibility because of his totally non-music related, 100% biased views. (I know you're going to say that he is supposed to give his OPINION, but shouldn't it be a useful one?)

It's your choice, but I think that it is already evident that you can design a beautiful web page that looks really professional. Now maybe if you could have some content that looks at least a little professional I'm sure that your site could become some kind of reference point for some peoples, something it is not right now.

Have a nice day,

Mikhail C.

Teufel responds:
Your e-mail made me think long and hard, not about your comments, because I honestly haven't been paying attention to any of the e-mails I've ever received. What made me think is your name; Mikhail Capone. It brings many thoughts to mind, but the one that comes to mind the most is "What the fuck kind of name is Mikhail Capone? He sounds like a confused gangster. It's like Michael Jackson. Is he black or is he white? He doesn't know. How about this Mikhail kid? Is he Russian or is he Italian? I don't think even he knows. I'm sure after long days racketeering with his mob friends he goes home and isn't sure whether to drink a cappuccino or vodka. Regardless, I'm sure he does go home to caress the soft stubble of his wife, since they're all hairy over there anyway. I feel much better about myself now. I think I'm gonna head down to Chicago and hang out with Leif and make fun of old people while laughing about all of the stupid hate mail I receive about his reviews he wrote two years ago that I'm still getting people whine about today." If I wanted this website to have any credibility I wouldn't name it the devil's grave. People like you never cease to amaze me with your utter stupidity. I hope you get gunned down in a drug deal by Japanese Yakuza.

Why The Internet Should Be Banned In Special Ed Classes:
To: Teufel
From: Metalika91@###.com
Date: Sat, 13 Jan 2001 01:35:09 EST
Subject: (no subject)

GOD, CRADLE OF FILTH KICKS MAJOR ASS!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM! CRUELTY AND THE BEAST IS A BAD ASS ALBUM, ONE OF THEIR BEST AND YOU GIVE IT A ZERO OUT OF TEN!!?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK, ROT IN FUCKIN HELL BITCH!

Teufel responds:
Well, you seem to have mastered the Caps Lock. If only you could master the locking mechanism on your dad's shotgun so the day you realize how right we were about Cradle Of Filth, you could take care of the problem of us telling you to go kill yourself by getting the job done ahead of time. Don't worry, you'll only taste the lead for a brief moment, then it will all be over.

I Was Insecure, But Praise Jesus, I Am Cured!:
To: Teufel
From: aisac913
Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000 21:27:31 -0500
Subject: I'm wasting my time...

Greetings,

Why am I even wasting my time? Who knows, I guess I'm just that bored.

Anyway, nevermind the reviews... your problem is that you have no self esteem. It's that simple. You feed off this hate mail crap. In fact, it's probably the vital element keeping you from having a nervous breakdown and ending up in an institution. It makes you feel important and powerful to insult others from the pleasant sanctuary of your "virtual domain". I hope you get what you're looking for now, because sooner or later it will catch up with you. No matter how many magazines you've "presold" (and you sure are proud of that, aren't you), you're still nothing but an insecure little man who desperately needs attention.

Perhaps some day the Lord Jesus will touch your heart and bring you to a level of spirituality that you apparently have never known. He made a powerful difference in my life, and even you are not a lost cause in His eyes.

Thanks for your time, and God bless,

-Jason

Teufel responds:
Let me see if I got this right... I am an insecure man who is desperately seeking attention, and yet you are the one sending me hate mail, knowing full well that chances are it will be posted publicly and ridiculed. You even put in the extra effort to make sure I'll post it by adding a paragraph about a topic that angers the majority of metal heads, Christianity. I know you were probably looking for a huge long rant from me telling you how gay you are and so on and so forth, however I think I've already made you look like an idiot. Of course you living at home and having your mom still dress you and trim your mullet at age 35 doesn't really help your case. At least Jesus loves you, lord knows no one else does.

Why Bestiality Is Better Than Incest:
To: Teufel
From: Matt
Date: Sun, 26 Nov 2000 01:32:17 -500
Subject:  

Dear Teufel,

When I first entered your site I thought it was pretty cool. Then I looked at your album reviews "section" (it's real small and half assed by the way) and realized that you fags are total fucking pussy girls. I actually laughed out loud when I read your review for the SOD albumn "bigger than than the devil" I thought you guys liked death metal not fucking gay Pantera-esque tough-guy shit. The first record was good but the new shit is laughable (no review for the first one eh' perhaps because your review

Matt Miller

Teufel responds:
I too laughed at the review of S.O.D.'s Bigger Than The Devil. I laughed even harder at your e-mail when I realized you were occupying more of your time fucking your sister than actually reading the review. If you had pulled your head out of her rotten crotch and read the review you would have noticed that I never wrote it. You would probably have been better off focusing your rant at the author of the review, rather than the editor who couldn't care less about who sends in what. As far as the review section, it's only as half assed as your attempts to breed beyond the boundaries of your family tree. Just go fuck the dog, at least it has less chance of passing on your genes.

People Claim I Hide Behind My Computer... That'S Not True... I Hide Behind My Mom:
To: Teufel
From: Greg Golembiewski
Date: Thu, 23 Nov 2000 23:11:37 -0800
Subject: you being a stupid fuck

oh my god, you are a stupid fuck! people write in talking shit and you insult them by criticizing their writing skills. FUCK YOU! youll probably talkshit about my skills but fuck that shit, i dont care about grammar and nobody else does either, you either need to get rid of hate mail or start backing your shit up.

Chris Jeffers
##########
brighton, co
FUCK YOU and EAT SHIT CUNT

Teufel responds:
Well "Chris", I would talk shit about your "skills" but quite honestly you don't seem to have any. For the record all of the hate mail I do reply to is backed up on my hard drive, on floppy and on CD. Anyway... why is it you sent me your address? Would you like to be penpals? We could write back and forth, share recipes, talk about boys and share various other girl talk. Wow, the more I think about it the more nifty that idea becomes. We should totally do that. Oh, wait... that's right, you're dyslexic and illiterate, I'm sorry... hmm... well... I could always just point at you and laugh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!!! I feel so much better now... get killed.

Deja Vu Of A Big Pile Of Poo:
To: Teufel
From: Al
Date: Sun, 19 Nov 2000 00:15:02 -0800 (PST)
Subject: your reviews

hi teufel?

you really have to wonder what kind of review this is. i quote.

"UUUGGGHHH... yet another worthless fucking release from this rock and roll "black metal" band. I can appreciate some of the other Opeth albums because they do have feeling and emotion in them, but this album is pure bullshit. From just listening to the entire album I can definitely see that this was created purely for profit, not for any other reason. If you happen to see these worthless piles of horse shit on the street one day, please throw a rock at them for me."

what kind of review is this? you can have your own opinions (the opinions of this author certainly differ from mine), but a review is not what YOU think of the album, it's what the album is. objectivity NOT subjectivity is the goal. i'm not even talking about the last worthless sentence there. nothing here is written about the production, sound quality, musicianship, song crafting abilities, nothing at all. now i know that you, teufel, if you are indeed getting this email, have strong opinions which you do back up at least. even though i don't agree they're at least intelligently written. but what about this review... you need to review everything yourself or at least hire someone of equal intelligence, maybe even someone who doesn't share your tastes so this site might actually be good. ever consider that? just a bit of constructive criticism. take it for what it's worth. sure getting a lot of hate mail is funny, pissing off people is funny, but people look up cd review sites for good reviews. so please provide them intelligent reviews...not this. else the site won't last too long

p.s. the sole reason you are indeed getting hits right now is because most people come just to see how bad of a review your staff actually writes. however, so many hits do pay the bill, so i applaud your manipulation. it's just that the hits won't keep coming after a certain point. then who or what will pay the bills?

Teufel responds:
I feel like this has already happened before. I feel like I have already replied to this e-mail before. I mean, the comments are the same as ones I have replied to a thousand times before. In fact just by reading even one or two of the hate mail replies on this page alone would give detailed answers to pretty much every comment and question in this e-mail. Why must people who send hate mail be so dumb? Or is it me who is dumb? Have I been sucked into another dimension where the stupider a human being gets, the more intelligent they are perceived as being? Must everyone be whacked upside the head with the obvious stick repeatedly before they start understanding such simple facts? Were you hit by a car when you were younger causing severe brain damage? Or was your mother's picking at your marshmallow skull when you were still in the womb with a coat hanger cause irreparable brain damage? Leif's reviews are here for a reason, to make whiny, anal people, such as yourself, cry. Why? Because I don't like people like you. I don't like people who piss and moan because someone dares to think for themselves. I don't like people who think everyone in the world should have the same opinions as they do and should express them the same way. When was the last time you ate a cookie that tasted like dog shit and made an objective comment about it? Never! You said "This fucking cookie tastes like dog shit!" Now, you may have a thing for eating dog shit, I don't know, but the average human being would say what they thought and felt, without holding back. So what if he doesn't go into great detail about the production and the song structure? The point was made; he hates the album. I personally love reading his reviews, and the reactions I receive because of them is amazing. The average human being who disagreed would just laugh and ignore the comment, toss the Opeth CD into their CD player and enjoy it regardless, and those who were uncertain wouldn't stick to the judgement of one person, they would read about the album from a variety of sources, finding reviewers who have tastes similar to their own to see what they've said about it to see if they may like it or not. What's the point in listening to the reviews of someone who's opinions you completely disagree with? Only a total moron would do that. As far as the sole reason my site is popular is because people merely want to see how bad the reviews are is pretty ridiculous. The reason the site is popular is because, believe it or not, there are a lot of people who happen to agree with the opinions stated on the site, a lot of people are not anal retentive and enjoy a good laugh when they read something funny, a lot of people don't take it too seriously. Come on now, this is a style of music where the main lyrical subject matter is killing babies and worshipping the devil. Lighten up and get a sense of humor, even Glen Benton has one.

Hello Dean, You'Re A Stupidhead:
To: Teufel
From: The NeKromancer
Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2000 01:16:21 GMT
Subject: your reviews suck

Hi,

I read most of the reviews on the site. Frankly most of the reviews suck! Like the one for Six Feet Under Bonus CD. Whats his name said that the CD was boring and that the band was probably bored and shit. So he gives it a 2/10. Like what the fuck was that? I know that I once posted a msg on the forum about SFU and that bastard got all pissed off because he hates SFU. That does not mean he has to post a bias review on it.

Whats this shit about Cradle Of Filths album up there. You don't even explain why you think it sucks! If your gonna rate something bad then at least give a damn explanation... and don't put some crap like..because it sucks.. COF is a very good black metal band.

And I don't get you idiots with what you got against slayer! What ever that loser's name was stated that ever since he heard reign in blood he loved slayer! Then he complains that Diabolus in Musica sucks because its a "rehash of reign in blood" ? Man go kiss my ass.

I would like to see you smart asses make a band and try to get to the top of the list. You think you know what the public likes just because you buy the shit. Well 1 or 2 persons does not = all.

Teufel responds:
You really didn't put much thought into this e-mail when you sent it, did you? This person you keep referring to as "what's his name", I would assume that would be me, you know, TEUFEL of TEUFEL'S TOMB? I know it's a very difficult name to remember, especially considering it's in the domain name of the e-mail address you sent to, as well as my name is posted on basically every single page on the site. You claim I am unobservant and a poor writer, yet can't even figure out my own name when it is posted all over the site? Are you sure it's me who's the idiot and not you? I'm actually not entirely sure how to reply to this e-mail in a way that you would be able to understand. Perhaps I need to lobotomize myself and walk into walls, giggle a lot and drool on myself constantly like a slobbering jabbering retard. Regardless, I will reply to this as best as I can with the limited resources I do have. *smashes himself in the head with a hammer* Duhr! Duhrrrrrr! Huhrr Hurrr Nerrrr Duhrrrr!!!! Do you understand what I'm saying? Good... Now I shall explain it to the rest of my intelligent readers so they too may understand what I was talking about. Your comments about not posting a biased review about something I dislike is, well, stupid, for the simple fact that... well, you're stupid. I think I have made my point, but just in case you didn't understand the first two times I said it, I shall spell it out for you very carefully; y-o-u a-r-e s-t-u-p-i-d. I realize what you must be thinking, you must be thinking that that does not answer your question, but I must point out that your comment, and question, was stupid to begin with, especially considering how many times I have already answered why I post biased reviews. My new answer to that is simply just because you are stupid and I don't like you and I like to watch you, and pathetic people like you, cry. I'm curious as to where you came to the conclusion that I hate Six Feet Under, however. I don't believe I have ever once stated on this website, or anywhere else for that matter, that I hate them. As a matter of fact, I believe, oh yes, oh yes indeed, that I admitted to liking their debut CD, The Haunted, in the review of the bonus CD, I also never once said I hate them, I just mentioned I find their new material to be incredibly boring and they are poor live performers. I guess you seem to have neglected to read that section of the review. Your comments with regards to Slayer completely boggle my mind and no matter how many times I hit myself in the head with things can I come close to understanding what you are babbling about. "What ever that loser's name is", that would be me again, did indeed state that I have been a huge fan of Slayer since hearing Reign In Blood and was a huge fan of their material up until Seasons In The Abyss (as well as all of the material prior to this), but at no time did I ever refer to Diabolus In Musica as a re-hashed version of Reign In Blood, Divine Intervention yes, but not Diabolus In Musica. In fact I compared it to South Of Heaven with a neo-metal edge, nothing even remotely close to what you claimed. I also fully admit to still listening to the older material religiously and am still a big fan of their early work. As I leave you feeling incredibly stupid, I must say something about your final comment. I would not even want to try to write music that "the public" likes, because I could not care less about the opinions or musical preferences of you, or anyone else, I would write music for myself and for me to enjoy, as would any other self-respecting artist would do. It's just too bad that there are people like you, so mindlessly devoted to following the current trend of the day, rather than judging the music upon it's merits, not the advertising. Perhaps one day you too will realize this. Who am I kidding? You're stupid. I hope you get cancer.

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