It's been a while since I've had hate mail up on the website, then again, it's been a while since I've updated the site on a regular basis. I've decided to bring back the hate since I'm basically just tired of listening to people tell me endlessly how great I am, sometimes it feels good to be humbled. That and people seem to be greatly amused by the stupidity of other people. Remember kids; it's only funny when everyone points and laughs together, so come join Uncle Toofie in his utter humiliation of undersexed, underaged and mentally malnourished morons.
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Yabba Dabba Doo- Fuck You!:
To: Teufel
From: Dylan Humphries
Date: Tue, 27 Sep 2005 15:35:54 -0500
Subject: yabba..

Hi you guys, just managed to check out your site after hearing about it.. Thought it was fucking cool and really loved your reviews that obviously dont have top suck anyone off. But, seriously... REALITY CHECK on Epitaph by Necrophagist. I cant believe you guys who obviously have a massive overview of the scene and hear so many different bands failed to notice the importance of this album. Please Re-review it. The songs are catchy as fuck. Technicality does not always mean wankyness and this is really only a hangup of ROCK fans who are intimidated by the complexity and technicality of metal. The album is a masterpiece. Your site rules but this was an unjust review that sucked.

Your thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Dylan, ENGLAND

Teufel responds:
Dearest Dylan,

Get fucked, you wanker!

Love always,

Teufel


Today's Lesson: How To Become A Homosexual:
To: Teufel
From: Brian
Date: Sun, 04 Sep 2005 17:54:43 -0500
Subject: Teufel's Tomb

Hi. I just discovered your site like 3 weeks ago and I like it very much. The reviews are very well thought out and well written....except for the Cradle of filth reviews. I am a huge cradle of filth fan and I don't understand why you guys are so biased. Your review is the closest thing to an actual review of one of thier albums on this site. Ed made a note under his 'review' of my favorite COF cd 'cruelty and the beast' stating that if anyone wanted to be made fun of for listeing to them, then all they had to do was ask. Do you know how I can get a hold of him? I'd like to ask him some specific questions about what he found so 'gay' about the album. Anyway, cool site despite my complaints haha I know there's a lot of scenes and biases and losers in the scene that people try to, as rock fans, disassociate with, and I'm sure that that's all that's going on here. So keep up the good work. I am impressed with the other reviews and the layout of your site.Cheers!

Teufel responds:
"Ed" is short for "Editor" which would be me, the same person you praised for writing "the closest thing to an actual review" of one of their albums. Y'know... I bet you're probably feeling pretty stupid right now, and if you aren't, just so you know, that was really stupid and you should be ashamed, I'm sure your parents certainly are, and with good reason. As far as what I found so "gay" about Cradle Of Filth, let me see... grown men wearing tight latex, leather and make-up with a vocalist who sings like he's being stabbed in the asshole whilst some wanker diddles his keyboard. Hold on, hold on... let me get King Anus I in on this... what say you, queercakes?

King Anus I responds:
I'm proud of who I am, but even I wouldn't prance around wearing lipstick, eyeliner and latex outfits. I know drag queens who dress less provocatively than that. His outfits just scream "Bend me over and be my daddy!" I realize there are a lot of young girls into the band, and that's fine; good girls like Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys and bad girls like Marilyn Manson and Evanesence, but any lads into this sort of music will wake up one morning to find their penis fell off and they've suddenly grown an axewound.

Before I forget, Toofie, are you still having problems with your lady friend? You know if you ever need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here for you, and I'm not just saying that because she told me you're hung like a monkey's arm.


Teufel responds:
Though I deny nothing that she's told you, I'm still not gay.

King Anus I responds:
...but you can learn...

Teufel responds:
Is step one listening to Cradle Of Filth?

King Anus I responds:
Becoming a fan of any drag queen is certainly a step in the right direction.

Teufel responds:
I rest my case.

The Answer To Life's Greatest Mystery:
To: Teufel
From: Gabriel The Great
Date: Wed, 17 Aug 2005 17:00:33 -0500
Subject: i hate you

I hate you all! why wont you die?

Seithan the great

Teufel responds:
Because you touch yourself at night.

I'm Huge In The Philippines, Baby!:
To: Teufel
From: aniceto sadiang-abay
Date: Fri, 8 Jul 2005 00:01:31 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: hello

HELLO TEUFELS TOMB

ippines,20 years of age,and i played the drum in a band and we played thrash and metal music,but i like metal so much...especially your band and you played..i always surf your website and i always open it..

i cant live without metal music when i grow in the world of music..i really admired you and i always want to become like your band.. when i open your site i always go to your free site and free music out there and always wanted to have it..that is why im here atyour and begly asking your free CD,any CD from your band,even an old album or your present music album..please...

i know you will your support a small musician like me to become great someday like you..i hope you will given me a chance to have it..please..i begly ask and wait for goodness..i hope you will given me a chance to have it..and i promise to spread the word aboutyour band here...

i hope and i expect to you,i know you can do it..KEEP PLAYIN and ROCKIN..PLESAE RESPONSE

THANKS

JOHN

Teufel responds:
John! First off, I'm glad you've chosen me as a role model, this proves that you are on the right track and on your way to greater awesomeness! Even though the only band I'm a member of is the band in my brain that I like to call the "Ultra Brutal Squirrel Smashers", I'm ecstatic to know I have fans of my unique musical stylings. With your immense telepathic abilities you must spend your days, nights, and even weekends, thrashing out to the massive amount of metal that my brain comes up with; love ballads like "My Poop Smells Like Roses", "Papa Smurf Was A Hippy" and the ditty I'm sure you hum to yourself in the shower "My Pee Pee Is Like A Lava Lamp".

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to figure out a way to take my thoughts and convert them to CD, but as soon as I'm able, you'd better believe I'm going to be calling up Scott Burns to record it and get Tue Madsen to master it. It will be glorious!

Of course, since you are telepathic, I feel I should apologize for that thing I thought of the other day involving the monkey, the dildo and the power drill. It was first thing in the morning, I hadn't had my daily dose of caffeine, I was a little hung over, I had morning wood and hadn't fully woken up yet. Actually, I blame it entirely on the cheese I ate the night before. Yes.... the cheese....

Until then, keep tuning into my brainwaves every day from 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday, and tell all of your other telepathic friends to tune in as well, although I'd recommend not tuning in between 5pm and 9am or on weekends as there's an increased possibility of monkey, dildo and power drill dreams reoccurring... regularly...

Until next time, rock hard or don't rock at all!


"I Haven't Spoken To My Wife In Years. I Didn't Want To Interrupt Her. Hooah... I Get No Respect.":
To: Teufel
From: Mags1321@###.com
Date: Wed, 13 Apr 2005 13:22:48 EDT
Subject: Review regarding The Zimmermann Note.

This is an email pertaining to the recent review that you gave of The Zimmermann Note. I feel that you have made a few assumptions in your review and I also feel the need to correct you.

Pertaining to this line in your interview.

"Musically the band is yet another in an increasingly long line of teen angst pseudo-metal bands in the vein of The Black Dahlia Murder and other short haired kids fresh from high school with their girl pants and super tight t-shirts. Thankfully, their music has more muscle than their scrawny phys-ed skipping physiques, with thick At The Gates-flavored riffs mixed with nu-core and nu-grind rhythms and breakdowns."

Especially the 'scrawny phys-ed skipping physiques'. Which is actually quite amusing considering that their Bassist is a Physical Education and Health Teacher. Also, I have never seen anyone in that band wear girl pants or super tight t-shirts. The ages of people in the band ranges from 22 years old to 33 years old. More like fresh out of college.

Perhaps I am biased because I am the wife of the bassist and mother of his child. But I also feel that you are biased and need to look at things with a different perspective. Maybe you should look into getting a bit more information about a band before comparing them to scenesters (ew).

Just thought you'd like to know,

Maggie

Teufel responds:
*blinks* Wait. What? Did that really just happen? Did your wife jump in to your defense? I mean, I understand how difficult it is for a guy to fight wearing girl pants and leather wrist straps with stars on them, but come on! Alright, alright... to avoid having your husband and his band being laughed at for their personal appearance again, here's what you do, Maggie. First off, you need to dress your husband for him, because he's either the chubby balding guy who looks like everyone's weird uncle who wears clothes that don't fit right and tends to get really creepy and huggy when he's drunk, or he's one of the remaining kids who limits his shopping to The Gap, Old Navy and Hot Topic. Either way, your man needs some serious help. First of all, make sure when your husband buys his pants, to get them from the men's department, also be sure to make them a little baggy so he doesn't look like he's sporting a bag of marbles and half a wiener where his package should be. Secondly, while extra small may be on sale in the shirt department, I suggest getting something that actually fits, because his nipples shouldn't be showing when he's wearing a shirt and lifts his arms up. Thirdly, don't allow your husband to pick his own hairstyle. It is your duty as a wife, and mother, to ensure your husband's hair doesn't look like he went through your child's Teen Beat magazine and said "I want my hair to look like the kid in Sum 41!" Finally, and most importantly, and please take notes and pay attention; taking joking sarcasm seriously, and personally, makes not only you look stupid, but your husband and child as well. Even my roommate thought that was stupid, and she's a girl!

Sometimes I Don't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry... In This Case, I Laugh... Hard:
To: Teufel
From: MRavenClaws@###.com
Date: Wed, 30 Mar 2005 00:08:20 EST
Subject: Reviews

Hello Tomb,

Just want to say something about the awful reviews....not everybody cares about the technical aspects of every fucking CD that they buy, I think for the most part that people buy metal CDs for the entertainment value, (we are not all musicians)....and are not criticizing every nook and cranny of the disk.... let me give some advice.....be a bit more open with reviews....if you hate it, then state so, but at least give both sides of things and state anything that is good about it.....if nothing is good about it....don't spend all your time bashing away and filling the review with nothing but a bunch of stupid metaphors.....(you guys are really obsessed with sesame street).

As it is...some of this shit is pretty good, but you guys rate it as gay or something stupid like that.....how can that be for nearly everything? Reviews should be for the potential buyer of the CD......most of your reviews are worthless...don't you fear turning into Bill Zebub? I mean that guy reviews for humor...is that what you want? (maybe I don't understand this site and it really is for humour)

I am a reviewer for a small webzine just starting and I always try my best to be open and not silly...

Great web design....but if this continues.....Teufel's Tomb will become nothing more than a joke.......no information, just playtime

Mark

Teufel responds:
Hey Mark! Thanks for the advice! I mean, you're so knowledgeable having only just started reviewing for a new webzine and I've been doing this for ten years. I mean, shit, why don't I listen to the opinions of people like you more often? Could it be that in the span of 10 years, more than 50 kazillion people have visited this site? Who's visited yours? You and two friends?

As far as being more open with reviews and stating good and bad points; you do realize that 95% of the bands I write reviews of sing about fucking corpses and eating people, right? This isn't exactly high class entertainment, it's burnouts in dead end jobs trying to be rebelious by copying exactly what their friends do. Heavy metal is moronic, the lyrics are a joke and anyone who takes anything about it seriously is a sad and pathetic little man.

Since you obviously don't "get it", I'm going to give you the answer you've been seeking; the point! The point of Teufel's Tomb is to promote extreme music and have fun doing it. If people get offended along the way who feel the need to e-mail me and bitch about it, I'm glad, because it means there are people in this world who are even more of a loser than some guy who writes a website dedicated to the promotion of this garbage.

Don't worry, when your zine fails and you've given up on it, I'll still be here, mocking everything you like, just cos it amuses me. Get fucked, little man.


Review? Review? You Call This A Stinkin' Review? Oh.. Wait... It Is A Review:
To: Teufel
From: ICorp Promotion
Date: Sat, 19 Mar 2005 08:44:57 -0800 (PST)
Subject: REQUIEM AETERNAM "Philosopher"

Eric,

I think you are the one that didn't understand it, but anyways... I believe your review is very objective. I disagree when you try to judge what the people should like or not... just let them have their own opinion.

Did you listen to "Eternally Dying"? Probably not... and if so, it was just a song. I don't know why you compared the past with the present, you don't know what you are talking about.

Whatever... I appreciate you spent time working on the album and writing down its review.
If you are not going to listen to the CD again, don't throw it away... just give it to some open-mind friend hungry of new ideas, a lot of people have digged it.

All the best,

Rafael Garcia y Santos
ICorp Promotion Department

Teufel responds:
You do realize that a review is a critical evaluation, in this instance, of a CD, don't you? A review without an opinion would simply be a press release, but even then, a press release isn't objective. A press release is, in fact, subjective, with a long list of selling points, positive comments from various reviews and self-opinionated comments like "amazing", "wonderful" and "breath-taking".

I also do, in fact, have Requiem Aeternam's original demo material, and, guess what, it sounds absolutely nothing like Philosopher, which is the exact comment I made. Perhaps you should find out what someone knows before running your mouth off because you're pissy that someone wrote a review you disagree with.

What Ebert & Roeper do... that's reviewing; giving a brief overview of what to expect followed by an opinion as to whether people should spend their money on it. For a guy handling the promotion of a philosophy-based metal band, you really aren't that wise.


Oscar Seems Grouchy After We Peed In His Cradle Of Flakes:
To: Leif
From: Oscar Albretsen
Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2001 15:07:40 -0700
Subject: So, how's the new 'N Sync album?

Well, I know you're not an 'N Sync fan, but you may as well be. You listen to music for the exact same reason 'N Sync fans do: Because it fits in with your own self-image. How else could one explain how eager you are to trash bands such as Opeth and Cradle of Filth? Their music contains actual melody, therefore it's not "hardcore" enough for you. I get the sense that your website is geared towards that kind of audience. I saw negative reviews of bands such as In Flames for the same reasons (not "heavy" enough). In this sense, you are the same as an 'N Sync fan. You've allowed your own self-image to taint your musical opinion, and prevent you from reviewing music with anything but bias. I'm not going to sink to the level of some of the other readers and start swearing at you, but I do find it disturbing that your own blinders prevent you from recognizing true works of art, such as Opeth's "Still Life." I enjoy nearly all types of music (with the exception of rap, which isn't really music), and what I listen to is based on songwriting and musicianship. In the future, please at least make an attempt to listen to music without asking yourself if it is representative enough of your "hardcore" image to warrant giving it a positive review. Thanks,

Oscar Albretsen

Teufel responds:
"Dear Leif,

Your right to state your opinion has been revoked because some "heavy metal" fans are very sensitive and cannot handle harsh and honest criticism. Just because I run around the countryside pretending to be Scandinavian wearing my corpsepaint and fishnet shirts, doesn't mean I'm a poseur. I could only dream to be Scandinavian like you, unfortunately I'm not. In fact I'm not even a man. I have no functioning penis, I had it removed to pay tribute to my idol Dani Filth, he's so dreamy... anyway... I only listen to music that other people tell me I should listen to, and I pretend to be intellectual, even though I lack the cranial capacity for any thought deeper than "Which looks prettier? Dani in corpse paint, or Dani without?" If you need to get in contact with me to kick me in the side of the head, you can find me deep in the forest hugging a tree. Love, Oscar."

Do you honestly expect anyone to listen to someone with a name like Oscar? Stop being such a suck and go tickle your little sister's Elmo, you sad waste of flesh. Thanks.


Circle Jerking In The Olympics:
To: Teufel
From: Steven Huber
Date: Sat, 4 Aug 2001 08:54:33 +0100 (BST)
Subject: Arguing with Teufel is alot like the Special Oylimpics, you can win even if you're retarded.

You're gay. I'm sick of hearing you say crap like "this band is for posers." and such. Your site is about as badass as taking a shit in the woods. You're a big drinker? What you need is a big tall glass of "Shut The Fuck Up" and to go back to circle jerking with Gay Destro and Leif.

Faggot.

-Steven

Teufel responds:
As a matter of fact, during the last Teufel's Tomb meeting... okay, it was really just a circle jerk... well... more of a sticky cookie contest, each of us trying desperately to cum last so we would get to munch on the Ohhhhreo... anyway, during this meeting we discussed which was more bad ass; sending flaming hate mail to people we don't know paraphrasing wrestlers' catchphrases or going out and making our own opinions known by publishing them. We soon forgot about the entire debate as Damian was the last to reach his climax. Not wanting to be greedy he decided to instead pour the contents of our evening session into the mix of your birthday cake. Hope it was as good for you as it was for us. *smooches*

Indonesia, The Land Of The Wild Incoherent Rambling. Listen Closely As It Babbles!:
To: Damian
From: altar_scream@######.com
Date: Fri, Jul 13, 2001 03:56:08 EDT
Subject: sounds your killers

hi..scott,how are you?...

what is you not yet show?...whay...
here website:
- http//www.siksakubur.com
- http//www.extremesouls.com
- http//www.insanecannibalism.cjb.net
- http//www.indogrinder.com
.........................................etc;

i'm not website,no yet release the band

thank's alot

alvay

Damian responds:
What the fuck!?!?! Perhaps a section should be created on the Tomb called "The Foreign E-Mail Graveyard" for undecipherable/illegible foreign e-mails. It would fit right into a "Stupid Shit" section.

Abbas responds:
It's an Indonesian dude who values your opinions and wants them on some sites he really cares about. I always wonder about guys like this writing, cause you've read enough letters in Metal Maniacs and other mags from guys from Indonesia and all kinds of countries who seem to write perfect English. The Angry Norse speaks better English than most Americans I know, so while I do want to assume part of it is the language barrier, I also want to assume a laziness for overcoming it with this. It's not like I'd be any better if I were trying to write Spanish to someone with my half assed knowledge and if I simply HAD to write to someone badly enough who only spoke Spanish, I suppose I have no choice. I just say check out the sites and write back saying, "FUCKING METAL, DUDE!!!!! BEER!" and leave it at that.

Welcome To Indonesia, Please Leave Your Proper English And Intelligence With Customs:
To: Teufel
From: Eddy Shearyadi
Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2001 02:53:17 +0700
Subject: Greetings from Indonesia

Hi Teufel (is that your real name??? Sorry to ask!)

I think you should keep your current logo, it's nice and simple one, it doesn't have to be brutally look to describe what is your site dedicated to, but you can arranged a new different look of your web site appearances which I can help you to find out, interested?

Eddy

PS: I like your current site style also! So....????

Teufel responds:
Hi Eddy, is that your real name? I'm just curious, do you find it difficult to exist without oxygen reaching your brain? I'm actually surprised you haven't demanded something for free yet, but I'm sure that time will come. I can see it now. "Hi Teufel, it me Eddy, I want help you with Tomb. We metal brother! We thrash for SATAN! I KILL FOR SATAN! HAIL SATAN! You send me free shirt and cd and I tell all my friend about Teufel Tomb. METAL FOREVER, BROTHER!" I hope you lose a limb stepping on a land mine.

Ask A Stupid Question, Get A Stupid Answer:
To: Teufel
From: Ruby
Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001 01:15:05 -0700
Subject: couple bands

Hey do you guys know anything about either Angel Corpse or Circle of Dead children ?

Teufel responds:
Yes.

Dumbest. Hatemail. Ever.:
To: Angry Norse
From: ChptrOfAccidents@###.com
Date: Tue, 29 May 2001 02:47:34 EDT
Subject: (no subject)

"Whoa! This rocks! There's 50,000 intros with samples from WAY COOL horror movies and there's ULTRA BRUTAL SUPER FAST blasting all over the record!!! And there's pitch shifted vocals!!!"

Tell me do you know what a pitchshifter is because mortician doesnt use one, you moron.

Teufel responds:
Mr. Accidents: Yes, finally. I would like to return your quote-unquote sarcasm detector.
Teufel: I see, you do have a receipt, quote-unquote, sir?
Mr. Accidents: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a prize at a Mortician show, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical as the average Mortician fan does not have the intelligence to operate such a machine.
Teufel: Whoa, whoa, a fat, humorless Mortician fan! You must be a devil with the ladies!
Mr. Accidents: Hey, I, uh, de-oh...
Teufel: Gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt no return.
Angry Norse: I'll give you four bucks for it.
Mr. Accidents: *sighs* Very well. I must hurry back to my computer and go online where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

Scientific Studies Prove - Writing Hate Mail Decreases Your Sperm Count:
To: Leif
From: James
Date: Sun, 27 May 2001 18:54:51 -0500
Subject: ummmm

you're a dick without balls. what band are you in again? oh thats right, you dont know fuck about music, and your voice is in puberty. haha dumbass canadian critics. you gotta love um

Leif responds:
I'm a "dick without balls"? I guess that is like cookie dough without chocolate chips, missing something very important. This fool could be on to something, maybe I am missing something, and I am almost sure of what it is. Time, I waste FAR to much time on the idiots who read this page. And I'm not Canadian you spermless wonder.

Leif Andersson - The Retard Hunter:
To: Teufel
From: Bryan Toczek
Date: Sun, 27 May 2001 13:43:48 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: In flames cOMMENT

You know most fuken comments i thought were good except the way u badmouthed In Flames. For that i think you are one of the stupidest assholes u fat necked fuck. Only queers like u would write something so retarted and shitty u cocksucking faggots. I hope you fukin rot in heaven you god damn Pig Fuckers...DIE U MAGGOTS!!!

Frank Rizzo

Leif responds:
Very rarely do we get to witness the lowest of all of Earth's creatures, the Heavy Metal boy (Heavymetalicus younhomois). Watch his poor spelling as he mashes all of his fingers into the keyboard at once to insult those not in his favor. He makes a spectacle and a fool of himself constantly, yet never is aware of it. Truly a marvel of nature.

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