Paul,

I’m so glad you asked this. That is clearly a line from “Stabbing The Scrotum With A Pair Of Rusty Scissors” by Peter And The Pooptricks. How the fuck would I know?

I would respond to this, my little German friend, but I have no idea what the fuck you just said. Instead, I shall just respond through interpretive dance, by which I mean I’m going to go take a shit. Before I go, I have just one question to ask you; my kind of humour sucks the basalt tablet bearing inscriptions in Greek and in Egyptian hieroglyphic and demotic scripts that was discovered in 1799 near Rosetta, a town of northern Egypt in the Nile River delta, and provided the key to the decipherment of Egyptian hieroglyphics… of my mother until it’s covered with bits of shit and dildo pieces which I shoved in there a long time ago? Oh yeah, that totally made sense. Almost as much sense as shiza porn, what is it with you Germans and poop? I can poop on your chest if you want, I ate some Mexican last night so it might be a little watery on the way out, I’d suggest wearing a bib, mein pooper.

Are you complimenting me or threatening me? Why do you shake after my reviews? Are you hulking up, brotherrrrr, or do you have cerebral palsy?

*walks away slowly without making eye contact*

You are the reason why pregnant women shouldn’t be fucked within a week before giving birth. It seems like the group of hung mandingos who gangbanged your whore of a mother while you were still in the womb managed to dent your soft baby skull causing you to become an irreparable retard.

Shhhh… be vewwwy quiet! It’s wetawd season and I’m hunting wetawds! Wook at him in his majestic gwowy, covewed in dwoow, beating his chest and dwagging his knuckwes on the gwound. We don’t wwite objective weviews, you wascawwy wetawd! We awe subjective wike a moffafuckaw up in dis biatch, you fucking wetawd!

Damn, Zoch, your email consists of the most cock smuggling fudge packery I’ve read in years. First of all, if you’re going to suck cock, pick a big cock, because we both know how much you love the cock. I’ve only heard positive reviews of cock from you, you like them big, you like them small, you like them in your mouth and even in your ass. 99% of the cock you enjoy is white cock. Sometimes you get a hankering for some dark meat though, you just love wrapping your lips around a fat steaming slab of chocolate man meat. Try to spend less time talking about cock, and more time sucking cock, because the more time you spend with your mouth, ass and fists full of cock, the less time I have to spend spurning your advances. I love vagina and breasts, you have neither, please stop hitting on me, you’re only embarrassing yourself.

Two minds, same thoughts. What are you, gay lovers? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m sure King Anus would love to spread your buttcheeks apart and cram things into your asses while jerking you off, and chances are if you listen to Children Of Bodom you’d be totally into that, however….

I didn’t write that particular review, although I agree with it and feel the new Children Of Bodom pretty much sucks and blows. Your logic confuses me, however; since I’m apparently being an asshole and insulting bands, they should beat my ass. By the same logic, doesn’t that mean I should beat your ass because you don’t like my reviews? I don’t think it would take me very long to beat up a 19 year old with an emo haircut as gay as yours, Mister "Rocks Like its the 70s and 80s".

For future reference: if you’re going to try to be tough on the internet, don’t do it from an account where there’s a link to pictures of yourself, especially since you look about as grim, evil and kvlt as one of the kids from Hanson… any of them.

As for Raven Lao… THE piece of shit? I’m not just A piece of shit, but now I am THE piece of shit. Well… a piece really isn’t that big. I went to school with a kid who once ate a dog turd. Well, actually, it was frozen and someone kicked it and it hit him in the mouth. He wound up spitting it out. It was pretty disgusting, but at the same time it was by far one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Actually, a frozen dog turd to the mouth is way more entertaining than Children Of Bodom, and infinitely more fun than listening to fans of said band drone on and on and on because someone thinks they suck. Even if I didn’t think they suck, which they do, you’ve still got to contend with the 6.4 BILLION people in the world who think Children Of Bodom, and anything even remotely "metal" is complete and utter shit. Why must I, and the rest of the world, have to suffer listening to your incessant whining because you are an insecure pissant who can’t handle the fact that you have crap taste in music? Just acknowledge the fact your taste in music is crap, cry yourselves to sleep while fantasizing about Alexi Laiho giving you a reach around and live in sadness forever knowing that as gay as you become you will never be feminine enough to satisfy his carnal buttcravings.

Stinko Dinko,

As per usual I’m very happy to hear from my fans, especially the ones who get offended easily over stupid shit that is completely irrelevant. Your complete lack of coherence only helps to make this e-mail even more amazing.

"I know that your answer to my writing will be in sense of, you are stupid fuck who deserves to die, killing his mothe and father because they made him etc. etc."

That’s fucking awesome. I don’t understand what any of it means, but you seem tense. Pinko, my friend, relax… have a bath, get a nice glass of Beaujolais, maybe smoke a joint or two, jerk off to some pornography or maybe even meditate. Here’s the great secret of metal; it’s stupid. As a fan of metal, you too, are stupid, and, judging by your e-mail, you are stupid and angry. Anger isn’t healthy. You should go hug someone. Hug your mom. Hug your dad. Hug a tree. Whatever it is you hug, just make sure you do it with a clear mind and a warm heart.

I’m glad you mention my former bands and the music we created. You see, I was, indeed, in bands, and I realized that metal was stupid, so I wrote every lyric to all 17 of our songs using the same four words; Pee. Poo. Bum. Dinky. Sadly, as stupid as that was, it’s still not as stupid as complaining about some guy on a website making fun of people for sending him stupid e-mails… like this one. You know what, Dinko Stinko? You were right. You should die, killing your mothe and father because they made you… whatever that means. Jesus, after reading this I think I’ve become stupider. I’m going to go fart and laugh at my own ass. Life is good.