To: Teufel
From: French Gruwer
Date: August 27, 2008 9:05AM
Subject: Dragonforce “Ultra Beatdown” Review

Oh, wow! That is the stupidest thing I have ever read. If you’re trying to be ironical, it’s a sheer failure! What you need to keep in mind now, sir, is that you clearly aren’t a reference and that working for such a website or any music magazine doesn’t mean your advice is any worthier than your neighbour’s dog (to start off). I hope you do realize your review is, at best, a huge pile of ultra stinking shit? I didn’t see anything relating to DragonForce’s latest album? What about the music?! Is it better/worse/whateverer than their previous outing(s)?! Oh, and one last thing. Being gay myself, I can’t resist the urge to tell you to go get some gay friends in order for your dim-witted brain to erase all the clichés you’ve had shoved up the arse during all those years, because you’re clearly not being realistic and rather downright disrespectful (to say the least) to potential gay readers despite your saying you have nothing against homosexuals (haha, that was the best part I guess). No, our arses don’t bleed and we don’t poop funny after sex. Then again, maybe you were just comparing your own horsecock-riding experience with gay sex? If so, I apologize for being so rude! I’m sure I’m manlier than you too! Because you know, gay men don’t necessarily look camp or anything! They can also ooze testosterone etc.! Whoops! I suppose I’ll just leave it at that, go order the Japanese edition of Ultra Beatdown because this album is by far - at least - much better than Inhuman Rampage and, er… let you go visit your inviting vaginas, hoping having a good romp will help your mind get clearer and, maybe, co(s)mically less dumb. *runs away screaming - manly - from this website*

Teufel Responds:
First of all, thank you for proving my point about Dragonforce and their fanbase being homosexuals. People like to claim I’m full of shit, but, here we have proof that guys who get pounded in the pooper are Dragonforce fans.

Does it offend you that as I read this I’m imagining every “s” you type sounds like “th”? Just curious. Not curious in that way, clearly I am an eater of red meat and a lover of vagina, although I do admit to occasionally throwing my hotdog down my girlfriend’s Hershey highway. Sometimes I lick it and stick a finger in it too.

As far as having gay friends go, my friends are gay enough as they are, I don’t need them listening to Dragonforce and turning into bigger queens. To be frank, I know more about gay life than the average bear. Granted, I’ve never experienced the stabbing of my poo or the throating of a kielbasa, but I did spend 5 years working in the porn industry for companies whose primary bread earners were gay porn sites and had to work on a depressingly large amount of time processing gay porn videos to put up on the websites. You’ve probably jerked off to websites I’ve worked on. You should be thanking me for that and giving me a high five, but… I know where your hands have been so I’d rather not.

In those five years I met a lot of gay dudes. A lot! Some of them were very uncomfortably gay, the flaming queens who are more effeminate than women. Then I met some who were butch lesbian gay types, they acted kinda manly but it was just awkward and weird. The rest were pretty normal guys, you’d never know they loved the cock by talking to them, but they did share one common bond; they were all Dragonforce fans. Ironical, ain’t it?