Teufel: *gasp* Oh my god! I can't believe it's really you! Abbas Jaffary! Of Ember! Oh my god! I'm like... your biggest fan, I mean... wow... look at my hands, they're shaking... oh man... just to be in your presence... I can't... wow... I can't believe I'm really talking to *the* Abbas Jaffary. You have no idea how wet my panties are getting right now being so near you. Oops. *giggle* I guess I shouldn't have said that... As you can tell I'm acting like more of a moron than usual. This is a part of a question, that and you're just so dreamy I want to grab you by your hips and... okay, we won't get into that yet... but anyway... have you ever encountered people who treat you differently for being in a band? I mean, differently from the average music listener, have you ever had anyone treat you as a sort of demi-god for just playing in a band? I ask this because I notice a lot of metal listeners often tend to look up to the musicians, in that sort of a way. For the most part it seems the guys want to be friends with the band and often go completely overboard trying to kiss ass, and some of the women seem to want to "get it on" with a semi-celebrity. Even if you have not dealt with it personally, what do you think of that sort of behavior from people?
Abbas: Hi Eric!!! *blush* *giggle* Well I really can't hide the fact that I get wet when talking to you as well, you know... I have to reach down and touch... It's funny you bring this up because I have asked other people in bands that are actually known and sell albums about this similar topic... well every little culture and subculture has its icons and all that so this behavior is not exclusive to big name pop stars and celebrities. Look how many times we've been on IRC and you see someone going "Are you Teufel from teufelstomb.com??" Although I haven't really seen anyone offer to suck your cock over it exactly, at least not in public... (other than myself and a French Canadian, and she makes no secret of it so I don't feel bad about saying it, and why should I regardless, it's not a bad thing), I'm sure you get enough attention based on how popular the site is/was/will be again. On the other hand, I personally do not see how a ROCK STAR syndrome really fits too in line with DEATH METAL, I mean if this is the type of thing you are doing to be popular and all that, well...let's just let someone else capitalize on that concept and work it into a kooky second-rate sitcom that might gain as much popularity as "Herman's Head" and attract viewers of the same cunning intellect. I think pretty much everyone goes through the stage of being in awe of someone in a band etc etc but after 5 minutes when you're able to get a clue that these people are just human beings like yourself, you can appreciate them for their talents yet still realize that they as well chew their food, do their laundry, have Chauncy pick up the kids from school in the limousine and have fresh lobster delivered to the house daily for a nice evening supper with the family, prepared fresh by Jose, the #1 chef in town, just like the rest of us. I mean, come on already...

I suppose you're right about people finding me to be deity-like, and when they first speak to me online, they usually bow down in worship, for, as you know, I am a rock and roll legend and am worthy of praise. Generally after speaking to me and receiving nothing but insults for five minutes, their fanaticism turns to horror and rage, as they angrily begin plotting my death and spending their days and nights writing up a murder plot and escape routes on used McDonald's napkins they stole from work, since all *true* metal heads are greasy, stupid and work at said establishment for minimum wage. Anyway... I must admit that, yes, I am a groupie... and that one night we spent together was magical, and nay, I cannot deny the passion of that night. My dear, sweet romeo... explain to me, in your own words, how you felt the night we spent together. Was it magic for you too?
Abbas: Not that I want to make the French Canadian too jealous...but, yes, it was amazing. It was the best. It was the unstoppable onslaught of raw passion, excitement, thrill and BUTTSEX that any happy-go-lucky-wanna-be pissed off metalhead secretly waits for deep inside when he gets into a huge mosh pit and rubs up against a score of other hot, sweaty, greasy men. I cannot properly describe how volatile I felt at first when lying just a few inches away from you on the bed, trying to fall asleep and not make a fool of myself by reaching over, pulling your ass toward my groin and grabbing your bulge for all it was worth. Although the temptations I fought those first few minutes were some of the most nerve wracking of my life, I did not envy Leif for a moment who was comfortably wrapped up alone on the other bed...but I think he had enough to keep his dreams entertained that night. The only thing that would surpass the amount of cock slapping we shared that night would be to take a tour at a state prison and witness a couple thousand hungry men masturbating, screaming and throwing semen at the visitors (like a friend of mine told me about her excavation to Stateville Facility here in Joliet, IL). That or if Scott from Pentagoria had been there...my friend, you have not properly polished your knob until you've coated his beautiful bald head in semen and brushed your tool against the fresh, newly grown stubble on his cranium. Not to mention he has an amazing cum-catcher for those ravaging suck jobs that will make you unload a gallon of your love fluid in his general direction. It was not only magic, my sweet, it was destiny.

I think we must point out, at this point, that neither of us is gay, nor even that interested in becoming gay, not that there's anything wrong with being gay, I mean... sometimes when I look at pictures of you in a dress I can't help but touch mys... umm... well, it's well known that "homophobia", for lack of a better word, runs rampant throughout the metal underground. I personally find this to be hilarious considering most of these tough macho metal heads enjoy watching wrestling, which is basically men in spandex rolling around on top of one another, putting their hands all over one anothers' bodies, also football, a sport in which grown men put their hands between other mens' legs, pulling out a ball, of course with all of the other men bumping and grinding into one another, followed by a lot of smacking one another on the ass, which is then followed by them showering together. What do you think of the trend of gay bashing among the metal underground? Do you think that most of them are just closet homosexuals fearing being exposed?
Abbas: Gay bashing is for dumb fagg--err, I mean...yes, as I briefly eluded to in the previous question, I feel inclination toward if not outright homosexual desire runs quite rampant inside much of the testosterone filled macho essence plaguing the bulk of the male metal community. It is not unlike frat boys playing grabass with each other and the other examples you pointed out. In fact, I feel most adolescent males, no matter what music or other interest they're into, have a large tendency toward homosexual behavior. I have witnessed enough different groups of "heterosexual" guy-friends that play touchy-feely among greater things with their good friends and members of their immediate group since I was in high school up to present day young college students. I am friends with several of them and I have seen way more than I would have ever hoped to in terms of male bonding. And as you said, it doesn't stop there with men in their late 20's, early 30's and whatever else being paid to do this professionally. I have never really identified with this type of thing up until we met in Ohio and the tides turned. I had started the dress wearing thing months before that and that's not going to change, that's mostly just to make girls jealous. I usually don't do this, but it's kinda like that teacher from South Park said (I forget his name), "I'm not gay, I just act like it to get chicks." I'm not sure where to begin with comments about "homophobia" itself, I am personally completely open about whatever and in fact have found homosexual people I've come to know to be far more open-minded, friendly and enjoyable to speak with. This is not a generalization because stupid people are everywhere. There are tons of books, seminar, web sites and other resources of information on this topic out there if anyone is really actually interested. I have an interview with the punk band Pansy Division coming up in my 'zine which I can't wait to print along with all my other "tough" metal interviews. Check their web site out, www.pansydivision.com , they even put up a pic of them I took at a show back in Sept. '98!!

Racism is also a problem among the metal community, which I find to be incredibly stupid. People are tossing racial slurs left and right, calling everyone niggers and jews and whatever else, yet praising bands like Slayer (Tom Araya is hispanic, born in Chile, I believe), Suffocation (Terrance and Mike are both black) and Brutal Truth/SOD (Dan Lilker has a jewish heritage). You, being the chocolate stud muffin that you are, have personally had to deal with shit like this. Do you generally avoid it, thinking the people are just ignorant and stupid, or do you ever get offended by it?
Abbas: My white friend, you certainly know the best ways to start pushing my buttons, but that's no surprise of course. The only way I can deal with racism is comedy, you know... pointing out examples is going to take too long, there's too many. Racism is a generalization. Right there by participating in such, you are already short-ending yourself. But there's enough reasons as to why someone would do this, again there are tons of books and other things on this topic, but I can highlight a few of them here. Let's say you don't like a particular CULTURE and way of life...particular "races" have their own certain cultures/etc and it's understandable to dislike that sort of thing...I myself don't care for "muslim" culture and other aspects of the way a LOT of brown people from my "homeland" are involved with. Extending a disliking for particular culture to a racist viewpoint and saying ALL brown people or whatever are like this is the idiot's route. After a while, perhaps you become too tired of differentiating each and every single person from a race that you're biased against... so assuming they're all filthy inferior assholes is the next step. THAT is human, everyone does this... I mean you and I have no problem assuming "everyone" is fucking stupid. We probably sell ourselves short in enough respects by not giving strangers the benefit of the doubt and assuming they are fucking morons who are not worth our time... this is just extended to everyone, not one particular group of people... and as I've come to think lately, assuming just becomes funny, the losses are expendable because I am not really out to make more friends, I just look for people with a good sense of humor who already comprehend all this on their own. Racism is an even more narrow version of this and has other stipulations about a "hierarchy" and blah blah blah, it becomes based on "skin color", not belief/culture/way of life, at least for the common racist moron. Look at christians... if 'christians' were a race, you could call me racist I suppose, but I have christian friends and it's not an issue... they understand exactly why I have problems with it (just like any intelligent person should). However, christianity is a belief system, a way of life, not something based on skin color. Most people are born into it but it's something you CAN grow out of, whereas your skin color/etc is inherent, you didn't pick and choose what you wanted to look like, etc (unless you are Michael Jackson or others in that respect). There are also enough people born and raised with racist beliefs, but once again, it's something you *can* grow out of. Once people get comfortable in believing something and find some kind of confidence with it, it's quite hard to change that, so rather than fight it, it's better to work with it and show them how clever they really are, I think. You have seen me do this with NS brainchildren and a couple FASCINATINGLY intelligent Bahraini assholes as well. There is too much more that can be said on this that I won't bother with...I haven't really had too much of a run in with this face to face...when I visit Poland and other richly racist environments, I'll send you an update...

Yes, well, the Bahraini are just a bunch of camel fucking sand monkeys, so their rag headed opinions or their sacred eight legged camel god don't matter to us anyway. Now, you know that I am not racist, I admit to being prejudice, but not for color of skin, religion or whatever, I basically think everyone is a fucking retard before I speak to them, that's just the way I think. Anyway... I wanted to ask you something about music. I'm not talking about metal. I want to ask you about the music of Indian Asia, as I know you are at least somewhat familiar with the music. Do you ever listen to that sort of music? Stuff like Ahmad And The Punjabis or whatever? (That was kind of racist, wasn't it, hahahaha) I'm just curious if you ever do listen to that kind of stuff. Do you know what they're wailing about? I mean, every time I wake up on a Saturday morning and turn on the TV, I always flip past some channel that has that music videos for that sort of music and usually find myself "walking like an egyptian", which makes no fucking sense since Egypt and India have nothing to do with one another, which means nothing more than I'm a retard and can't dance because I have no rhythm because I'm white, hahahaha.
Abbas: Egyptians, Indians, what's the difference...they're all foreigners. Do not even make fun of Ahmad!! The Punjabs know how to RIP SHIT UP, you honky-ass faggot fucker. I have to go and catch up on a lot of Eastern music... by the way I am PAKISTANI not INDIAN, bitch. Even though they are the same people except religion... it's funny, if you call a pakistani an indian or vice versa they will get pissed, the degrees will vary depending on the person of course but try it next time you're in a 7-11, Dunkin' Donuts or any local convenience store if you don't mind getting shot at. I used to listen to whatever music my parents had on when I was a kid, my mom even has a tape of me singing along to some songs from various movies I used to watch over and over and over, I was like 2 or 3 years old, it's pretty fucking hilarious though I won't allow anyone to listen to it obviously. Eastern music has a different scale system and all that, it's 'atonal', it has 'more' notes in the scale...if you want to open up your brain I would suggest really digging into some of it, if you can harness it properly it can be turned into some really evil stuff. By the way I want you to know that I'm the new drummer for Sexual Chocolate.

I went to school with a guy from Pakistan named Hasan, who, in all honesty, stunk like a corner deli after gym class, I'm not being racist though, just telling it like it is, just so you know... anyway... he moved back to Pakistan after highschool to go to school there to learn to be a doctor, his parents were very strict about his schooling and always pressured him into being the very best. I have noticed this amongst my other Pakistani friends, all of their parents seem to have pushed them very hard into their studies, and at the same time also pushed them to follow the religion, which, I believe, was hindu... although I could be mistaken. Were you and your brother ever faced with this sort of pressure from your parents or is that just a stereotype of how east Indians are? Actually, now that I think of it, Hasan once told me he plans to come back to Canada after he's finished his schooling in Pakistan to start his own cab company. I'm not making that up, I swear. hahahaha. It's people like that who feed the stereotype, isn't it?
Abbas: Hahaha! That's great!!! Do you know if he ever became successful?

I think he quit the medical profession and moved to New Dehli and tries to make ends meet working as a snake charmer, in more ways than one, if you know what I'm saying.
Abbas: hahaha... Pakistanis are Muslim. I was 'born' into the religion but never followed it really strictly, my parents did not force me into this shit. I know exactly what you're talking about, I've known plenty of people like this, so has my mom and that's why she never forced my brother or I into religion and studies and all that. This could explain why I spend all my money on metal and other things and am always broke, living at home and dropped out of school... but really there is positive that has come out of it. I wouldn't be sitting here being able to say these things if otherwise. My brother is the one that has his act together, he's responsible, going to school, actually WORKS at work, etc. I do not like this 'stereotype' and you are not far off, there are a lot of people like that. Some of them are nice, cool people, just whatever... but enough of them are pretentious and I don't know, don't seem to be interested in anything other than worshiping Allah and making money. The people from pakistan/india/etc that are "smart" enough to make it over here are really self-conscious about money and that sort of thing and in many cases it gets to the point of being totally pretentious, etc. Once again I've learned this from my mother. My mother is the most open-minded person on the planet, (not to mention one of the best cooks you can find). I'm going in circles here...if more people were given the opportunities that I have been granted, you would likely see a lot more "wacky pakis" around and that sort of thing. The people over in those countries have so much shit forced onto them, they would be perfect candidates to create some really pissed off music... they live in the middle of political uprisings, religious tyranny and all sorts of other restrictions that mold people. Metal is slowly starting to make its way over there actually...I wish I could have helped this a bit more...I took some old tapes I had (Megadeth, Anthrax, Iron Maiden, Slayer, etc) when I visited back in 90/91 and my cousin liked them, wanted me to send more over but it didn't go anywhere. There's some people getting into it more over there though it's hard to come by, etc... I imagine if things were to get going they'd have some great bands eventually. Another cool thing I found out was that Urdu (main Pakistani language) is the #1 language spoken by Chicago cab drivers.

I was driven around Toronto by four pakistani cab drivers, none of them took me to the right location. One of them cursed the whole way there, he referred to everyone else on the road as a fucking asshole and kept honking his horn at big rigs and flipping everyone the bird on the freeway driving me to the airport. I always find it best to duck while in a cab to avoid gun fire, and to get as many seat belts wrapped around your body as you can, because none of them know how to drive. I was basically expecting some big honkey yank truck driver to run the cab off the road and drag him out of the car to beat on him, then drag me out next to beat on me for getting him to drive me to someplace that required the cabbie to have to get on the freeway. Needless to say once the cab finally stopped and I was in one piece I kissed the ground more than the pope, giving the pavement a deep long passionate french kiss involving some fondling and groping, but I won't get into that because of the pending lawsuit against me... Speaking of religious pressure, I don't believe I've ever discussed religion with you at length, probably because I find it to be one of the most fucking boring subjects to discuss. I'm just curious, do you practice any religion or are you atheist? I personally am agnostic, I find basically every theology related to the creation of the universe leaves me with too many unanswered questions. I mean, really, when you think about it, you can go with the big bang theory which is basically the universe basically exploded from nothing, which leaves me thinking what the hell was there before nothing and how did it get there? At the same time any religion explains that some god or higher being created the universe, but that just leaves me thinking "well, what created this god?" I think it's actually impossible to explain our complex creation, let alone the world we live in.
Abbas: Although I can handle a large portion of your aroused member, our brains cannot handle infinity, plain and simple. Religion is a good way to teach morals and give theories to the otherwise inexplicable, it is not my thing though. Throughout time, Science and Logic have given religion a huge run for its money, but yeah you're right, they still can't explain the eternal question of how and why we are here. I would suggest not worrying about this too much, really... rather, think of why you are here in reaction to your immediate environment, try not to focus too much universally because you are nothing more than a tiny, miniscule little fragment of a meaningless speck of dust in this universe... on the other hand, even if you were some huge supergiant about to go nova and swallow your entire solar system, you're still part of the same pattern and you have to make do with what you are and have. if you have problems figuring out what "life" is about and stuff, then maybe religion is something that will fill that void and make you feel worthwhile, but if you know what I'm talking about and have felt your time here is being well spent, then it's a good thing to hear and you likely don't have to be told all this. my experience with 'religion'...as I said I was 'born' into Muslim religion, never practiced much though. I started going to Christian school from kindergarten and remained until I was expelled in 7th grade. This was more for silly behavioral things, nothing serious... I brought some metal tapes into school one day, obviously this wasn't the place for them so that was my fault... I wrote some 'swear words' in a note to a friend in study hall, I had a "dirty" joke book (my mom gave this to me, when the principal called her and read an example from it she said she was laughing quietly) and a few other stupid things... it all added up and they had had enough. Just early last year I ended up meeting some people that went to that school after I had already left... they ended up knowing all the kids in my class and others I knew, in fact one of them I went to school with in 3rd grade and vividly remember him playing the violin at the nursing home with our choir, and I also remember his mom coming to pick him up after school one day so I told her to hold on and I'd go get him from up on the hill behind the school. The next thing I see this kid is sitting next to me at a friend's apartment, saying how he'd really like to be participating in the porno on the TV right now and getting laid and drunk (he apologized to me also because he had just broken up with his girlfriend). I later realized who he was after meeting others that were with him and it blew my mind. these are people who are still in that 'mentality' sort of, where 'sex' is "off limits" and all that... it's fucking crazy. They told me stories of other people that went to that school and ended up going over to christian colleges and were expelled for things like having firecrackers in one's dorm, having sex with someone or getting drunk on the weekend and other shit... I also heard one of the teachers from the school was caught masturbating in his car outside a Wal-Mart and was consequently fired. they told me the school was becoming more and more fascist and it drove them nuts, some kids just snapped after a while. One guy I was talking to in particular said he stayed through it just to finish it off and not have to have his parents deal with expulsion/etc, also they did give a good education (which I can attest to). he's in college now, when he's out he'll be put into a job making 50-80k starting/within the first few years. This is how these other christian colleges operate as well... it started dawning upon me how this entire system they have works... they train you since childhood and anyone who steps out of line is expelled completely... the ones that stay are given these good jobs and they usually get married at 22-24 and start their families, their kids enter the same process, etc. I didn't start becoming really anti-christian til later on in high school, though, and then finally militantly in the last few years. I am agnostic as well, I believe in logic and reason, but I don't deny supernatural forces entirely... I just prefer seeing before believing. I have a hard time having faith in anything other than myself or those I trust (few and far between). I am my own "god", I'm responsible for my choices and actions and KNOWLEDGE is power to me. I don't so much have a problem with the icons of religion as I do the followers... sheep are the ones who fuck it all up, really, it's best to learn to avoid them as much as possible unless you feel restless and want some good laughs some day. For a while now my focus has been on educating children, this will grow some day... religion is a good way to teach morals to kids but not the only way, if you are inclined to do this and happen to have intelligent kids, then I can only pity what you'll have to face if you don't smarten up.

Speaking of your tale of someone being fired for masturbating in a parking lot at Wal-Mart, I know someone who was fired for masturbating in the kitchen at Pizza Hut, I think he really got the wrong idea about what the "stuffed crust" thing was all about. That has nothing to do with religion, but I admit I care very little about the subject. Usually my biggest moral dilemma is deciding whether to wash my hands before, or after, beating off until I go blind. You'd think the life of a rock and roll legend would be more glamourous than sitting in a small room alone with a stack of old Sears catalogs flipping through the lingerie sections with a sock in one hand... well... I'm sure you can figure out the rest. I do actually have some questions for you related to Ember, believe it or not. Yes, I can actually think up something related to your band when I am actually interviewing you with regards to your band. In November's Doom you were drummer, correct? In Ember you have bounced back and forth within the band playing guitars and drums. Why did you choose to play guitars in Ember and which do you prefer doing? Have you considered doing vocals for another group? I think with your necrothrashing hatred and womanly figure you should be able to wail like Vince Neil being ass raped by Tommy Lee... or at the very least be able to get a good black metal scream going.
Abbas: I started with Ember originally back in '94 on drums...we got going a bit and months later I got a job & had no time for practice, etc...my brother was filling in on drums for a while but that didn't work out either. they got a couple friends to fill in and record drums/bass for the first demo, then months later I ended up rejoining (on drums) and we started writing again, recorded the 2nd demo in '97... right around then is when I had that whole house arrest thing going on (I'll explain this another time as I'm sure people reading this have spent way more time than planned on all the other fucking comments) so I wasn't going to be able to go out and do live shows. Chris (Allen's brother) filled in on drums for that and Ali had rejoined on guitar already as well, so we left it at that for the time being. I ended up hooking up with Novembers Doom in fall '97 and jammed a couple times and things went well, so we wrote & recorded the 3-song mCD For Every Leaf... in Dec '97. I have a funny store about this, quickly... the day I got off house arrest is the same day we were to enter the studio, so that morning I packed up my drums into our Ford Bronco, went down to the probation office and had the anklet monitor thing removed. I had to be at the studio early afternoon, so I went over to Pete's house for a few to say hey. He & a couple other friends were going to come over for a few minutes before I left, so we followed each other back to my house. I was behind him as we entered my neighborhood, and I get pulled over. The cop tells me my license plate is expired. I tell him I haven't driven this car in a year and a half, I'm only using it today to carry my drums... I show him my license, which also happened to be expired, that was my fault for not renewing it even though I had 3 months to do it... so he tells me I technically have no license, and he had already pulled my brother over the week before about the plates... so I'm like oh this is special. He tells me that I have to come to the station and someone will have to post a bond and blah blah blah...so i'm like ok this is great, not even 2 HOURS after I get off house arrest and I'm already getting pulled over and arrested for this shit. At least I made it that far. finally about an hour later I get home and let people know what happened, they all began to understand my paranoia... ok getting back to music, I think that's what we're talking about, right? Yeah, we recorded that mCD and I stayed with the band... at some point during that year we had dismissed Ali from the band just due to clashing interests and whatever, and we decided to keep Chris on drums because he was better suited for the style we were heading toward, so I rejoined on guitar. I have been playing guitar a year longer than drums but I still can't play worth a crippled retard, not that that's a bad thing necessarily but it doesn't help in accomplishing what I'm after. I parted with November's Doom around fall '98 as we were recording the new album because I had problems in the studio and we weren't sure if they would repeat or not, so it was best to bring a new drummer in to do the album. Eventually they found a permanent replacement, I still hang out with everyone and all that... speaking of being gay and racist, I stayed up til 4am with Paul last night playing this new WWF wrestling game for N64, and I created my own character named the WaCkY PaKi, he's modeled after me, 5'9" 130lbs... his best moves are the woman's slap and Chyna's punch (where he hits the opponent in the balls). I was fighting Paul's character who is 7'11" 666 lbs, I kept punching him in the nuts and he kept giving me brain busters. I don't think I'm going to do vocals anytime soon, I used to sing in choir back in grade school so i got some early voice training, I was taking a voice class back in fall '98 with Pete and we'd drive around singing Isengard's Vinterskugge and Anthrax's Soldiers Of Metal a lot, but I don't know if that's adequate enough to really take on full vocal status, really...even if I manage to have good stage presence in a dress...but then again you're able to make me scream in ways that would make Mariah Carey jealous.

The biggest audience I performed before was a few hundred people. This was actually during Christmas activities. Each year at Christmas all of the kids from school would perform at the recital. I was always placed somewhere at the front, being that I'm short, and spent most of my time lipsyncing, as were about 3/4s of all of the other kids, since, in all honesty, we hated singing those stupid Christmas carols. Anyway... in the later grade school years, I think Grade 4-6 we had to do big Christmas plays/musicals and for whatever reason I was always picked as being an elf. I never sang on key, and generally lip synced through the songs and rarely ever remembered my lines. I think each of the three years I only had one line per year and never could remember what it was. It wasn't until one fateful winter day, while in gym class bowling and my jeans split along the crotch and I had to run home in -40 weather to change jeans, did I realize I could scream pretty high as frost bite soon set in to my tender loins. I didn't learn how deep and guttural I could get vocally until one day sitting on the throne passing a loaf about as wide as it was long, and this was a big sucker. I gasped, grunted and groaned as the pain set in from the walls of my anus being stretched like an extra small condom fitting over Tommy Lee's manhood and was almost pushed the point of trying to pull it out with my bare hands. What were we talking about again? Oh... Speaking of November's Doom, you never did send me a copy of the CD, so I have no idea how it sounds, although, believe it or not I did find a copy of it in a CD store. HMV in downtown Toronto had it. The one you drove to Canada to go to. I remember seeing it there a long time ago, I should have bought it, but you're not longer even in the band actually, but anyway... what I wanted to ask you is why you decided to part ways with November's Doom and how did you happen to become a part of Ember?
Abbas: Oh shit...see previous answer, sorry. For once I'll leave this answer short, unless you want me to explain what happened when I drove to the HMV in Toronto to buy CDs...

I don't care. Next question... I don't know if you guys actually play all that many shows, but you did a mini-West Coast tour along with Impaled and Engorged (and some other band who's name escapes me at the moment), how was that experience? I know you've played fest in the Chicago/Milwaukee area, how would you compare the people you meet at shows there to the ones you meet in California? Are the people more lively at either part of the US?
Abbas: As far as I remember, every show we've played except our very first one (w/Cenotaph from Mexico) and the Milwaukee '98 show has had an attendance of between 5-20 people. We've played a couple basement punk shows with some friends' bands around here that have been amazing, much more fun than almost any metal show. Enmortem is a great metal band to play live with, if anyone ever gets the chance. people have been the same everywhere, either way into it or no reaction at all. Actually I don't give a fuck where we are playing, I enjoy playing live regardless, I should more the response from the punk shows has been far superior, but then again it's people we mostly know already or at least have heard of us. The west coast was totally fucking awesome, I personally wish I could be doing that all the time (even if I lose my contacts and complain about not getting enough rest from sleeping the whole 13 hours while others drive).

I've seen you at a show, well, the Cleveland Death Fest, and noticed you weren't really all that much into the music, you weren't stomping around and tossing your hair and mouthing the vocals along with the bands. Actually, I didn't toss my hair much that weekend, for four reasons. The first being on the Friday I was drunk and if I dipped my head fast I probably would have blown chunks all over whoever was standing in front of me, second of all I ended up hurting my neck after about my 8th beer, I can't remember who was on stage but I decided to be retarded and bang my head and ended up giving myself whiplash after about... oh... I dunno... one bang... hahaha... number three is that I feel stupid banging my head to begin with, I only find the music to be entertaining enough to bang my head like mad when I'm up on stage, when I'm on the floor watching someone else play I more or less feel the same way I would if I were to watch someone else jerk off... it's just wrong. Fourth, hell, you saw my hair, I don't need an entire room full of people pointing at my balding skull. I'm not even fucking 23 and my hair is thinning... how fucking lame is that? Anyway... do you find live shows boring, or do you just find that bouncing around like a retard surrounded by an entire group of retards makes you feel much more retarded than just standing still doing nothing like a retard?
Abbas: No, live shows are awesome when it's a band I like...you recall that show had some very 'special' bands. well, whatever, i'm sure they were all good at what they were doing, the whole misogynist brutal death metal shit isn't my deal and I spent more time hunting down Oreo cookies and chocolate truffles and giving them to various friends rather than watching bands. BUT.... there was one performance I could not get enough of, you and I both must form a cult around this individual, the man behind SATAN'S GOD!!!!! I should have been thrashing wildly to I HATE MY COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! The last time I thrashed really hard was during Krisiun in '98, my neck hadn't ached that badly in a long time. I was kicked out of a Deicide show a long time ago for being thrown into the security area while body-surfing, that was totally fucking depressing. I have another cool story about this guy who had to be in his mid 30's that was thrashing at a local show and tried to start a fight w/some kids in the pit that kept knocking into him...god that was funny, he was w/a couple drunk glam rockers in a band called Innocent Lies, it was so fucking hysterical, talking about jamming with Don Dokken and George Lynch...

Going back to Satan's God, I believe the unanimous decision between you, I and Leif, of the best band at the Ohio Death Fest last year was indeed, Satan's God. Anyone who punches himself in the groin for the entertainment of others should be revered as a deity, in my esteemed opinion... Apart from your hobby of being brown, you've got a ton of other shit going on. What else goes on in the wonderful world of Abbas and his magic elephant Mustafa? Again, I must remind you that I thought of these questions very late at night on very little sleep. Either that or I just think that's a pretty good excuse for me just acting like an idiot and asking a smart question with a stupid ending.
Abbas: Most recently I have had the pleasure of becoming part of Teufel's Tomb and help each other glorify ourselves. The main thing I'm working on now is my 'zine, it's been "in the works" for like 2 years or something ridiculous. The title will be "The Chiaroscuro Puzzle". Some other plans are listed in the profile under the staff section so I figure if anyone has read this far and still wants to know this, they can follow the link there. Mustafa is taking a nap, we have a big race with the camels coming up tomorrow. Being stupid fucking rules, just wait til you and I are together again in Ohio this year...

My panties are wet at the thought. I'll bring the chaps, saddle and spurs, you bring the handcuffs and whipped cream.