Abbas: So how's life over in faggotville going?
Ross: Oh, things are going great. I just got sucked off by two different guys wearing fishnet stockings, and later I am planning to go and get my butt widened by Curtis, the leather cowboy, if you know what I mean.

Curtis the leather cowboy? You mean as in Paul Reuben!?
Ross: Well, Curtis the cowboy was actually played by Lawrence Fishburne, but yes, you have the right idea.

Could you please give some account of what horrendous abomination took place that later resulted in what is now known as Exhumed?
Ross: Ummm, well, no. Well, okay, but it's all going to be lies. It all started on a dark and stormy night when Col and his wife got a flat tire on the side of the road, near a dark and spooky house. It was raining, so they headed to the house to see if they could get assistance and call a mechanic, or something. Well, the manservant, Matt Harvey, answered the door and let them in. He lead them to the main ballroom, where there was a convention of Transylvanians. They all danced, and then came in Ross, a sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania. He gathered his guests and took them to his laboratory, where he and the lowly monkey-like manservant Matt imbued their homunculus with life, and so was born Mike Beams, guitarist extraordinaire. After seducing both Col's wife and Col himself, Ross dressed up Mike and Col in lingerie and Matt joined in and they all did the Timewarp again.

Would you kick my ass if I implied that you had Carcass-envy?
Ross: Yes, but not because you implied we had Carcass-envy, just because I don't like the look on your face. Beat it, Jerry. Woof woof!

Let me digress here for a moment. I am sure you have had enough of being labelled a Carcass rip-off (even down to the band name), but you guys have the guitar tone and riffing down far more closely than other deathgrind bands that have spawned on the same concepts. In your case, this most certainly is not a bad thing. I think you have a lot more thrash in your music. It just so happens that you have the fire inside to pick up where Symphonies Of Sickness left off...have you had this style since the very beginning or has this just amounted from "natural progression"?
Ross: We've always been compared to Carcass. But our early stuff, while definitely biting the Carcass imagery, actually sounded a lot more like Napalm Death's Mentally Murdered. As we progressed, some more Carcass entered, some more pure grind entered, and then we strayed and followed a very American death metal way, and it sucked. So, we went back to our roots, and looked at the bands that influenced the bands we liked. Such as Siege, Lärm, Repulsion, Venom, Voïvod, Sodom, and many others, but now I feel this answer is way too serious. We are Gore Metal! Nothing more, nothing less. We will destroy you! MONKEYS!!!

I don't know if it was just me or death metal...but do you think there was a sort of "rise and fall" of death metal in the last few years? I speak of '94 being a peak and then things dying down and resurging in like '97 or something. At least, that's what it seemed like here in Chicago. I don't recall going to ONE local show in '96, death metal or not...I actually began to wonder if there were other bands than the few I knew still doing something. Again, it could & probably is just me, but for a while things seemed quiet and suddenly '97 began another explosion of even more extreme bands...
Ross: No, you are completely wrong. Hah! I'm just talking to shit. I AM the devil's advocate. Death Metal peaked in 1993 out here, and saw no resurgence. I've seen six clubs close down, along with some community places that used to have shows. We still have big bands come out here occasionally, but the promoters don't let local bands play the bills, so we are fucked. The only shows we get to play are on Weekday nights to a crowd of none. Ah well. At least that leaves us lots of time to masturbate. Ahh, masturbation. Speaking of which...

Yes, speaking of masturbation, do you find the bible to be one of your primary and most stimulating sources? Pete really seems to appreciate it...
Ross: I don't find it very stimulating, but those thin little pages make a good substitute for Kleenex.

Your excessive masturbation has led to the exacerbation of your epicondylitis in the past. What impact did your hypertrichotic palms have on your ability to play your bass? Obviously you integrated it into Exhumed's sound, which explains a fucking lot, but I know it wasn't easy at first...
Ross: Well, the callouses received on Ross's digits from chronic sessions of self manipulation obviously assisted in his ability to perform without a plectrum. The stainless steel coils are too rigid for dainty strumming, and it takes extremities of extreme temerity to egregiously pound the resonance catchers into the jellified substance that is the Exhumed sound. Chronic masturbation has also allowed us to exercise our forearm's and biceps, increase our stamina, and by stretching in order to perform auto-fellatio, we have also increased our flexibility. Of course, Ross, being the most chronic masturbator, and the one least able to get laid, is the only member of Exhumed to succeed in such an act of auto-erotica.

How many songs do you guys have altogether?
Ross: Oh shit! Now I have to think. Okay, hold on... We have, I believe, 66 songs recorded, total. That includes all the material we just recorded for our album, as well. We won't be happy until we have as many songs as KISS.

After hearing and adequately getting a feel for the split with Hemdale, I can obviously see that Exhumed is indeed a band that notices the importance of family values among people. If more kids listened to Bone Fucker while having breakfast in the morning before leaving for school, I think it would definitely exert some positive outlook on their day. So just how much has John Cougar Mellencamp influenced your music, exactly, and what sorts of good moral culture do you aim to see growing in the homes of today?
Ross: Well, John Cougar's vocals are a heavy influence on Matt's vocal style. Only John can get truly that raspy, but Matt tries his best. Mr. Cougar's guitar stylings on Lonesome Jubilee are definitely the inspiration for the heavy tremolo picking that we used on the In the Name of Gore recording, but it is his seminal classic Popstar that has defined the very way we live. We feel that our outlook on life is important to the world, seeing as how we are so superior to the rest of you feeble humans, and our way of living, destroying weaklings and poseurs, taking what you can, pissing on those beneath you, revelling in death, and orgasming as much as possible, will save the world and bring humanity to a higher plane of living.

What Carcass song were you listening to when you wrote Bone Fucker?
Ross: Black Star.

The Chords Of Chaos tracks are amazing. They are intense, hyper & violent. I must ask... what the hell is up with Matt?? He's such a nice, cool amiable guy on the outside when you meet him...but inside, I just know there's a little angry psycho waiting to get out...this music proves it!
Ross: Well, Matt is on steady diet of prozac and lithium in order to keep him under control in public. When you met Matt, he had been sleep deprived for two weeks, undergone twenty two hours of shock treatment along with a barrage of audio therapy, and we shot him up with 20ccs of Morphine so that he could stay relatively mellow. When it comes to write songs, we take Matt out to a deserted shack in the Mojave desert, with nothing to keep him company except three rabbits for food and an empty paint tin for a toilet. Five days later, our album is set to go. For any other material, when Matt runs out of ideas, we shove a pencil in Ross's mouth and Matt butt fucks him while he scribbles out some extraneous lyrixxx.

What's up as far as new material goes?
Ross: There isn't any. We just keep rehashing old Johnny Cash murder ballads. All the material from our upcoming album Gore Metal is just reworked riffs from the material we stole from such Cash classics like Cocaine Blues, Muddy Water, Folsom Prison, and Ghost Riders in the Sky. We have got the new album coming out October 27, two more split seven inches that we are putting the finishing touches to the artwork still, and Matt is currently in the desert taking a huge crap over an empty paint tin.

Are you going to incorporate some of that Norwegian army gear into any future recordings?
Ross: What do you mean, like scratch the recording tape with a deadly spike, or something? We have always been into the metal gear, as much as we can afford, and we will continue to don our armour until the gore metal wars are won and we have the spoils of the victors. As far as Norwegians go, we care not for such petty human geographic boundaries. If you are not metal, you must die, and if you are metal, you can come and live with us in Hessherland.

I thought one of you went to the army and was stationed in Norway at some point. I was online talking to a guy from Norway a while back who said he met one of you there...
Ross: Matt Widener, our old bassist, featured on the demo Horrific Expulsion of Gore, had one too many viewings of "Delta Force" with Chuck Norris, so he decided to join the Marines. He came back and visited on Col's birthday, and regaled us with tails of how he would masturbate with a clown mask on and an electric cord tied around his cock. He would also throw himself from the top bunk in his room while on the cusp of orgasming, so as to make it have more meaning through pain. We taught that guy everything he knows. I'm so proud.

How much time do you guys put into the band? Do you ever need to take breaks for a while and do other things, be it projects or whatever or have you always been focused into this primarily? Do you spend a lot of time together outside the band?
Ross: We are always putting time into the band, twenty four seven. When I sleep, I am dreaming up ideas for Exhumed shirts. When I have breakfast, I am thinking up Exhumed lyrics. When I am having sex with any of my various partners, I am answering Exhumed mail, which explains all those strange spots on the envelopes I send out. Actually, we do have some other projects. Matt and Col have a thrash side band called Dekapitator, and Ross plays bass in another local death metal outfit that goes by the moniker Impaled. We spend lots of time together outside of the band, but it usually consists of ritual drug abuse and intra-band wrestling competitions. Tomorrow night, Col and Ross are facing off in the steel cage match, after snorting at least five lines. Col has got Stone Cold Steve Austin in his corner, and Ross has got Rowdy Roddy Piper.

How long does it usually take you to write a song?
Ross: We usually don't really write them, we just kind of bang a bunch of pots and pans on our heads while singing the Dean Martin classic You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You. We punch that through a bunch of distortion, and there you go. Then We re-interpret the noise on guitar, and just read lyrics off of an old Carcass, Pathologist, Necrony, or General Surgery record.

You seriously think Stone Cold vs. Piper is a fair match?? I don't know, not discounting either of them, as they are both forces to be reckoned with, but wow. Well, it's actually really cool...one guy is a huge tough-ass, the other guy wears a skirt, and both are MIGHTY. I want to meet Piper some day. Stone Cold I'm sure would be cool, but I don't have too much in common with him, it seems. Oh yeah, and being that you're from San Francisco, maybe you can help out with this...do you also find these macho, "homophobic" guys who like wrestling to be rather amusing? "I hate fags" yet they enjoy watching buff men in underwear grope each other...
Ross: Okay, which is more homoerotic, the wrestling ring or the mosh pit? Both have big sweaty guys moving around, with a lack of clothing (the usual mosh pit gear includes a ripped tank top and light blue jeans) and pummeling each other only hard enough to look cool. In wrestling, they have their holds, and that is intensely homoerotic, but in the mosh pit, they are constantly rubbing up against each other, much like a dry humping orgy. Roddy Piper slays all. He may be old, but I bet he has a collection of guns. Piper says so...

What's your favorite anti-depressant?
Ross: Cocaine. Right off a naked groupies ass. Mostly, though, we deal in depressants. We like alcohol, especially vodka and beer. Sometimes we take ludes, and if you ever see us with purple or blue noses, you can be sure that we have been huffing paint. It sucks though, because Mike is such a fiend, that often times before a show, we find that he has drunken all the hairspray, for the alcoholic content, that we use to tease our hair up after we put on our lipstick and eyeliner. Another good depressant is Dawson's Creek. That show makes me get all... all... choked up... just... thinking about it!

Yuck. I would think that if you truly wanted to make people sick at this point, you would just use the script for any given episode of 90210, Friends, Seinfeld (aah!!) or WORST and most horrific and EVIL, Full House, for your lyrics. It makes me twitch and become nauseous just writing that name.
Ross: Hah! You think you are so clever and original! Well let me have you know, that on our new album, Gore Metal, available on Relapse Records (shameless plug), the song Enucleation is inspired by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Hah, you can never top our sickness.

Don't you fucking hate it when you're driving along the highway and a big ass truck or other obnoxiously loud vehicle comes by, towering over you with its noise and making it very difficult to listen to the music playing in your car? More on this later...
Ross: Well, here's my method of dealing with this pesky nuisance. First, I turn up my music really loud. Then, I smoke some crystal meth, and proceed to slam my car, which has been prepared by attaching old tires around its body, into the other loud car. If it is a semi, I find that hitting it right in the front is best, and it will set their trailer off balance and cause the truck to careen off of the highway.

Do you subscribe to JAMA*?
Ross: No, but I do subscribe to JO MAMA!

Does Ross use a pick or his fingers mostly??
Ross: Ross uses his fingers to pick his nose, mostly.

Has Col ever considered entering one of those "drum off" competitions held time to time at Guitar Center? I was in there picking up a new ride and walked in while some guys were in there warming up. Some of them were doing these incredible rolls and all this shit. Personally, I wouldn't dare enter and try to compete, but I was thinking...what if I just go in and start doing blast beats and double bass and just start RIPPING SHIT UP...bang on the kit violently and fucking tear it apart, and if they ask me what the hell I'm doing, I'd just say, "Hey man, I may look like a puny fuck but I'm no lightweight when it comes to my drumming. I play hard and I am BRUTAL. Why do you think I'm always in here buying new shit?! I have to practically replace my kit every practice..." Do you think this is representative of what Col might accomplish? This is, of course, not to say that he couldn't compete just like anyone else and rip shit up in a more orthodox fashion. For the sheer comedy value, however, I think he would be really maniacal...
Ross: Well, I can't relate to the drumming thing, but have you ever gone in to a guitar center and there's some fat asshole with a base ball cap on in the bass section, slapping away on some piece of shit Fender Precision bass trying to pretend that he's got soul like Bootsy Collins? Well, I went in there, and there was that ass hole, who I swear must just sit at home wanking, because I've never heard anyone actually play bass like that in a band, and I sat down next to him, grabbed a Lemy style Richenbacher and started playing "God of Thunder." This of course was to catch him off guard, like "Oh, here's some dumb bassist who knows a few Rock 'n' Roll bass lines." So then I proceed to slapping my bass, in a very mocking fashion, making goofy faces and shit, so he tries to come back at me, and then I start really banging the shit out of the bass. Then I slap and pop til all the strings bust, and Mr Asshole kisses Mr. Richenbacher on the lips as I pound his face into jelly with my bass. Then I run. Fast.

Do you think people should be held responsible for something they did that they "thought was the right thing to do at the time?" Like, later on it has some negative effects, and I don't mean as in "I stole that car cause it seemed like the right thing to do" or "I stabbed that guy cause it seemed like the right thing to do" (I have a hard time with that one myself), both of those are societally influenced as to "right or wrong", I mean more on a personal level...I mean little shit that doesn't really matter but shows up later. Should someone be held accountable for mistakes made in the past, or do you believe it's better to live with it, (try to) learn, and move on?
Ross: Well, being as I am the perfect human being and without flaw, I am not sure that I can answer this question. But, in my unlimited knowledge, I know I have the answer, so fear not, my super intelligence shall guide you. The answer is, you are always held accountable, even if you thought it was the right thing to do. You know, you set up some plans, invest some money, invite the kids out to the island to see the work you are doing to benefit the knowledge of mankind, and then before you know it, you've got a dinosaur chasing your ass all over your own island, when all you wanted to do was impress the ladies at the senior citizens' club so that you might get your wang stroked!

What would you get if you crossed an Angry, Adrenergically Septicaemial Mucopurulent Holocaust Maggot with an Agammaglobulinemically Cachexiating Hyperalgesic Accefalous Necroretard?
Ross: An endotropic hypersexual endemic bilensigilic vaginital chromosonic larvae. Ha ha! That's a good one. I gotta remember that one for parties. (okay, but bear in mind that the correct answer is "Racial Enchilada")

Back to vehicles. Holy fuck...how did Ross like giving the mighty Bill Sannwald a ride to the airport?
Ross: I can't remember. He looked really sick. Also, it meant I had to visit Leon in his ghetto apartment, which was nasty. His cats shit everywhere, and he slept on a flea ridden couch. That was shortly before we kicked him out, and now Leon is a rich fuck and he's dicking my sister. Oh well, keep it in the family, I suppose.

Your mom is multiparous. What influence has this had on your music?
Ross: The only thing that has really affected our music is my mom's shoes. I like to try them on. It's a San José thang.

Could you tell a little bit about the commercial for "Frosted Amnions" cereal that Exhumed is supposed to perform for? What's that ad campaign..."provides for hours of buccopharyngeal fun for kids and even serves as a fantastic postprandial snack...?"
Ross: There are little penis shaped marshmallows. On the side of the box are cardboard cutouts of the band, and the back of the box looks like a stage. Add some ketchup for blood, and you've got your own little Exhumed stage show! All of that will not be out until the Exhumed sitcom hits the airwaves.

What remedies can you recommend for kids in school suffering from intense borborygmus (my favorite is Mrs. Field's cookies) or papillary lust problems?
Ross: Usually I just touch them in an impure manner, and then they shut the hell up. Plus, I get off.

The serious chelation of a live Exhumed show incites postural dyskenisia in everyone. After torticollis, amblyopia and of course, severe diaphoresis take place, the audience is reduced to a bunch of chloasmal saprophytes. In your own anhydrous state, how do you treat the alveolitis suffered after a long set? Do you beat down the quiescsent posers who lack the decorum to appreciate your gonadotropic aggression? Should I stop making you sound like you're GWAR or something?
Ross: Yes. The only slamming of poseurs is done by our loyal army of prostitutes. We tend to sweat a lot, and then force feed our sullied shirts down the throats of nearby onlookers, whether they be foes, or friends. The other thing we tend to do live once we have finished playing is open up the booth where Mike will suck your dick for ten dollars. We call it "The booth where Mike will suck your dick for ten dollars."

Neonatal arrythmia took its course with Relapse executives after they witnessed projected albums sales of Gore Metal. That is, it is YOUR material and work, but it's a new addition to their family. Repeated listens are slated to cause both balanitis and gynaecomastia, oddly enough, not to mention haematemesis and anaphylactic piloerection. Paroxysmal fasciculation, nasolacrimal furunculosis and genitourinary ecchymosis follow, ending in neurovegetative breakdown and maxillary calcification. I am so dumb, it's painful. I imagine this is obviously the reaction you expected?
Ross: Yes.

How did you like recording at Burnt Offering? I like the drum sound on the few things I've heard from there, especially the snare. But why do they use triggers!? They mic the other stuff really well as it is. I notice the guitar has a really crisp, "digitized" tone, for lack of better words. It's more that "kum-kum-kum-kum" sound (no fucking pun intended), rather than the "fucking brutal jun-jun-jun-jun" sound or something. I hope you know what I mean. It's clearer than previous recordings, was this an intention or just trying something new?
Ross: We definitely wanted it to sound clearer, so that everybody could finally hear that we do indeed suck. The triggers were necessary, because somehow Mau at Burnt Offerings fucked up and our recording sucked. James Murphy, in mixing, polished a turd. The bass tone kind of lags, because Matt and Mike forgot Ross's cabinet when they went in to record. The guitar tone, well, I don't know. It was recorded digitally, and I do prefer an analog tone, but oh well, it was all by necessity to finally get a nice, crisp, clear recording. Mike does all the rhythm guitar on the album, except for on Sodomy And Lust. Blame him.

James Murphy works at Burnt Offering? So he's still wit Testament? Was he just there or did you request him? Did you ask for any guest solos? Is he putting Disincarnate back together or not??
Ross: James was begging to do a guest solo, but we just had to tell him, "Look James, your small potatoes. This is just to intense for your amateurish guitar licks." We had the recording engineered at Burnt Offerings, by Mauphistopholes Acevedo, but James did the mixing at his home studio, Tone Studios or some shit. We hung out, listened to Disincarnate and his solo project, a lot, watched James Murphy do some crazy dances, and kept checking out his roomates wife's ass. She was a fine piece of Brazil. We also watched "Fools Rush In" with Salma Hayeck and Matthew Perry, and ran errands for James. Then we made him touch us in an impure way. As far as I know, Disincarnate will be around as long as James feels like doing it, and yes, he is still doing stuff with Testament.

How often do you guys play live, and any touring or anything scheduled after the release of Gore Metal?
Ross: We play live an average of once a month. We play dead approximately once a year. We play the Greatful Dead NEVER!!! We have no touring plans as of yet, but Relapse says they are sending us on tour with the "Teen idols of America tour" featuring the Backstreet Boyz, Exhumed, and 'N Sync.

How was the European tour last year? Do you have any idea how much I'd have killed to see that? Yet nooooo...I had to sit at home on house arrest like a fucking retard.
Ross: Well, it was really fucking awesome, and the best experience of my life, but, umm, poor guy, on house arrest, no, really it sucked. It was terrible. You didn't miss a thing.

I hope to be able to tour or just do shows in Europe one day. It would fucking rule. Once our "Basements Across America" tour is done, we'll try to set something up overseas. I thank you guys for your time, patience and knowledge. I will see you in San Francisco hopefully soon, else hopefully metalfest again this year! Are you guys going to be playing this one? Any final remarks?
Ross: We should be playing Metal Fest Milwaukee and Metal Fest New Jersey. But who knows, maybe everyone will come to their senses and realize we totally suck. Mail or e-mail naked pictures of yourselves to us and we will send you free stuff, like Pokémon or Furbee dolls. Okay, fuck off.