Teufel: I know when you asked me if I would do an interview with you and I said yes, you were probably expecting me to interview you in a style much like Bill Zebub of The Grimoire, with silly questions. I am sorry to disappoint you, yet I am a true journalist and take my interviews very seriously. With that aside, lets begin. I notice in the CD booklet you mention that at least all members of Pentagoria are at least 25% gay, I then noticed the picture of Scott on the sleeve wearing a Cradle Of Filth shirt which is entirely too small for him causing his fat gut to hang out. Is each member of the band 25% gay, or is it just Scott is 100% gay and you just mentioned the 25% as the average of the band as to not make him feel so badly?
Scott: Yes.

I thought so. Just how homosexual are you?
Nick: I am too dumb to be gay. Once I tried, but I just bruised my dick on this guy's nut sack.
Scott: I am so gay, I am poop. One time in fifth grade, I got sucked off by the local accordion player Fido. Fido was amazed by my brown, urine rich penis. He jerked me off real hard, til eventually I sang yankee doodle dandy while fucking him up the ass. Another gay occurrence I had was when I disrespected Tom. Tom was mad at me because I ate his shit covered butt biscuits. He let out a un-metal scream. You know the sort, just like Tom Warrior on the Cold Lake album. He then gave me a Peter-From-Ember-esque cockwelt that left my booty bruised and tickled! Being ay gay with enta pay isay eally ray ay gay!!!!
Tom: So, uhhh... What'd you think of my shit biscuits? My scream was more metal than anyone else's had ever been... Come to think of it, it was the most brutal un-metal scream in the US... Anyway, I've been a hemophiliac the longest out of anyone... I'm better than anyone else in this band at being that way... It was actually my idea to be a David Duke cover band... Just like in my other band, the theme was to play really bad music... To shortly answer your question, I'm the truest there ever was!! give me da boobie!! Wahhhhh!
Tony: I have deep seated respect for brown dick, and Johnny Depp. Also I like my steaks medium rare even if it violates health code, so go ahead and be crestfallen, bitch. I really want to have sex with Nick and Toms' mothers, and make them swallow, the true sicilian tradition.

I was once kept after school in detention by a french teacher with an enormous mustache and impressively feminine beret. He told me to beat the chalk brushes, so I slapped them together. Then he pulled out his manhood and told me to beat that, so I coated his penis with pastel blue, pink and green chalk dust. I got an A+ on my next book report... What is your most homosexual experience to date?
Nick: When I was 15, in second grade, my obese art teacher fucked me with a rubber fishing lure. The thing I like best is the sweaty fat roles squishing against my hairless butt cheeks. When he came he twisted his nipple and bit my back. I later sucked his cum out of my anus with a hose. The hose was made of rubber too.
Scott: I do recall an experience that was so homosexual, that I am forced to blush every time I recall of it. It was a rainy day, that incredibly dry and hot morning. I found myself in the middle of Liberachi's buttcheeks inhaling the rectal pus, warts, and other emanations that were coming forth from the ass of a thousand sparkles. As he was playing piano one day... I found myself on top of 81 keys... sodomizing myself up and down the lengths of white and black keys. Well needless to say... Liberachi was quite the piano player... Playing Tchaiovsky with one hand, jerking me off with the other... well... All of this man lust was driving my bowels to the point absolute repugnance... and with that... I shat... and that was the end of that...
Tom: I have always initiated all of my homosexual encounters... You could say that I was the originator of homosexuality. They've all been pretty much the same... It starts with me giving a student a bass lesson, and tell them that they have to fret 5-4-1-absolute zero sequence, and they always ask where absolute zero fret is. I tell them its in my pants, and if they don't fret it, they fail the lesson. Needless to say, I always tend to cum on their little bass-playing fingers.
Tony: I seem to be dependent on my kike traps for a good laugh. As for Micheal Dukakis, his balls are red and his dick is a sassy turd brown. My vegetable garden has many cinnamonnigger protectors. Them scandalous coons be stealin my rutabagas everyday!!

Have you ever slept with Abbas from Ember?
Nick: Well, a fortnight ago I attempted such a haughty maneuver, but Abbas would have none of it. Being that my penis is eight and a quarter inches of misshapen pallid curvature, he was quite unwilling to accommodate my sloppy jalopy.
Scott: Teufel, Give me a challenge here. Abbas from Ember? I have made that little harlot cum far too many times to count on one hand. I would say about 3 or 4 times I have made Abbas cum. The first time was at Saks Fifth Avenue in Chicago... Talk about an overpriced buffoonery. I put on a little tight, hot Gucci outfit that must have costed over 4000 dollars, and Abbas gunked his pants, I swear to god. He blew a wad that was so embarrassing to him that he fainted. We called an ambulance to try to revive Abbas, but he slipped in to a coma. It was several months before I got to mentally fuck with the sleazy little necrotic hell ass, but you better believe... When I fuck Abbas, I fuck for keeps... Abbas Jaffary, the next time you put firecrackers in your ass and you do the tango... you better believe that this bad cramma jamma is going to put the jam in your jelly roll...
Tom: Wahhhh! I've lost count how as to how many times I've penetrated Abbas' Paki loins. Not to mention the many times I've had both Pete and Nader simultaneously. Oh well, I've moved on to bigger and better things now... Satyricon, look out!!
Tony: I very adherently obey the traffic laws of Rhode Island, as long as it is a weekday, and no grandma jew is givin me shit. Sunday morning is turd glazed croissant day, and I eat a full, hearty meal. Michelle Pfeiffer has hemorrhoids, and Danny Karwin is a sexy bald bitch.

Okay, just making sure I wasn't the only one. I notice in the track listing you have the songs marked in the order of I, VIIII, III, V, VI, II, IIII and VII. It's people like you who make math teachers have nervous breakdowns. I hope you're happy. Weren't you aware that 2 comes directly after 1 and that 4 is not a larger number than 6?
Nick: I spent all my math classes watching 80s sitcoms. I may not be aware of the difference between sine and cosine, but I can tell you the dick lengths of all the Partridge Family. The track numbers actual coincide with the number of times I have had sex with the following people: Boris Karlof, that fat chick from What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Marlon Brando, any given guest on a talk show about she-males with eating disorders, my sister (her tight hairless pussy milked me better than any farm hand ever did a cow!), Al Dimiola, Rue Paul, and Gary Coleman (he has a huuuuuuge cock! MMM!)
Scott: What the fuck are you? Some kind of Hebrew Spank! Listen up gumby! I am Captain Algebra now! If we want 2 to come before 1 than take that like the pure cum soaked bitch you are donkey dung! Before you go off calling me a genius... remember this... I invented the light bulb... I have 3 testicles one for each ice cream cone, so start licking dem clean like da pure hoggurgling nut tweezer you are! Jerky!
Tom: Numbers, numbers, who's got the numbers..? Now, why wouldn't it be logical to list the numbers as such? Do you think we're dumb like kykes? Only kykes are math teachers. So, fuck them. They don't have da boobie.
Tony: Sometimes I prefer chunky peanut butter during anal masturbation, but on a sad, lonely rainy day, I would definitely prefer smooth Peter Pan. As far as Duracraft fans, I would definitely buy one for my aging parkinsons grandma, and gank it back after she keeled. Mushroom and onions go good together, but if you add some burger seasoning and some green peppers, it rocks like Nelson.

I listened carefully to the music and wasn't able to draw many comparisons to any bands. How important was it to you to write original material for ...And The Sky Bled Gore?
Nick: That depends upon your definition of "original". I mean, aren't we dealing with a highly subjective term here? It seems to me that a better euphemism would be "cankerous" or "pedantic". To truly understand the malrefracted idiosyncrasies of modern death metal one must first recapictulate the "painted veil", as Shelley would put it, as well as succoring the insalubrious. Surely it would not suite us to "bore through our scabbard"?
Scott: Why do salamanders suddenly appear.. Under a Tahitian moon??? I was once in the Baltic Sea when I found a jar full of acid... I dipped my pecker inside of the jar of acid and learned a very important lesson; If you are going to have anal sex with a humpback whale, always wear a helmet... As far as being original goes... My influences are mostly from Tito Puente, Keiko Matsui... and Morbid Entree.
Tom: The importance of originality as comparable to the importance of the word "kyke". Some may spell it with and "i" as the vowel, however, the TRUE (opposite of FALSE) spelling is with a "y". It should not be spelled any other way, much like Pentagoria's music... it shouldn't be played any other way.
Tony: *rambles angrily* IS DO I. NAD I SAID, "HOW DARE YOU CONFISCATE MY MARSHMALLOWY BLASTED FRUIT LOOPS." SO I CAPPED HIS CHINK ASS, THATS THAT.

I lie, actually, at first listen your album sounded like a mix between Michael Jackson sodomizing school children and Satan's God being punched in the cock. The music of Pentagoria is surprisingly complex, was it a conscious decision to try to write complex and technical music?
Nick: Why, good sir, should you ever believe it complex? It is simply a matter of intertwining several strands of dilinear modes and circumventing them with inverted triads. But all this pales in comparison to my ability to blend with other ethnicities; especially those of Mexico as I share their propensity for growing mustaches while obviously lacking the testosterone to do so.
Scott: Barnacle Bill says that Barbecue Sauce is complex. I think that as a band we have gotten a lot better at................... SUCKING DICK! Had you going there for a second didn't I! Listen you rancid goat terd, I have spent far too much of my time crafting the brilliance of this band... I don't need you or any of your Kyke friends screwing it up... I got a degree from Sesame Street Fatass... So pass it on! Mommy put sandpaper up my ass, and I liked it god damn it... I liked it!!!!!
Tom: It all depends on how smart one is. I, however, am the smartest in the country. I've multiplied Micheal Keaton. I've divided the Red Sea. So, after those hellacious tasks, you can see that the music in Pentagoria really isn't that complex. its nothing like factoring out the band Regurgitate.
Tony: I will be taking over the answering, since everyone will be gathering for a group orgy in the septic tank.

What are the band's main musical influences?
Tony: Dream Theater, Type O, Arcturus, Lorde of All Desires, Astroglide Allstars, K-Y Confusion, Probe Strobe, Poop Shoot Pop Group, Entertain Us Anus, Scrotum Potion, Nut Glut, Sack OR Rack, Cream Team.

How do you feel about the way the album turned out? It was your first recording, was it not?
Tony: The first album was gay, I don't understand why we even bothered to do it... I don't even know why we are a band right now. Fuck this shit I think I am going to go be a nun and pray to my lord and master. I don't need Pentagoria to make me realize how gay I am, I have religion for that shiznit.

What the hell is on the cover of the CD? It looks like a colonoscopy picture to me.
Tony: My avocados should be medium rare, but not with extra virgin olive oil. Dog meat is very tender with some balsamic vinegar and white wine. Michelob Golden Light is still my favorite though.

That is by far the gayest thing you've ever said. For the logo, did someone in the band actually go to the effort of drawing it and thinking it's very cool or did you just hand a mentally disabled child with a nervous twitch a big fat marker and tell him to write Pentagoria?
Tony: I put a pin in my dickhole once, and thus sensing and probing the inner depths of my tender urine grotto, I spelunked the keyhole orifice of my manly obelisk. Traversing severe crevasses and well salting my runny anus. The stalactites and stalagmites are thick and dangling, or yearning for their vertical kindred. Thus "The Convergence Of The Twain".

What do the members of the group do for a living and in their spare time while away from the band? Any other musical projects going on?
Tony: Each member, including myself, runs their own homosexual aborigine commune on the side. That's where each member gets income to invest in the band. The only musical side projects are the echoes of a thousand slapping scrotums upon a thousand different anii.

I meant apart from the obvious. Anyway... what is your opinion on the current state of the metal scene? Do you feel it's progressing and getting stronger, or does it seem as though the scene is stuck in a rut?
Tony: Fuck puppies are a great stress reliever on tuesdays nights after AA meetings. Where's the uncircumcised bevel sander? I think I left all my Neil Diamond christmas albums next to it.

My feelings exactly. What bands/albums have you been listening to lately?
Freddy: Ok, fuck this, I'm answering a damn question! Listening is not necessarily something that one can actively participate in. It is nothing more than the passive ingestion of sensory information, successive vibrations that one can neither translate nor affect in any way. One may only pay attention to the sense that one's brain makes of the timber and pulsation. In that sense, don't we all make the music of the world?

Who the fuck are you and what are you doing to my leg? What do Pentagoria have planned for the near and distant future? Any gigs coming up?
Scott: Yep, a couple. I want to ask you a question Teufel. Are you a groundhog molesting butter sucking urethra earthworm stuffing bitch?
*someone in the band imitating me*: Well, I am a sack dingling, ass rangling, butt fucking necro tard. But aside from that I am just a big dumb fag.
Scott: I thought so. Thanks!

Well, that would have been my answer anyway. I've basically run out things to ask. In all honesty I found your band's CD to be a huge and pleasant surprise, it's definitely among my favorites of '99 and hope you guys come out with new stuff soon. Any final words? Stories about Don Decker? Insults you wish to toss at lame bands?
Tony: Well, I want to give shouts to my gaga, and Kyle Machlachlan. Decker has the most deformed toes I have ever seen, I have nightmares about them. He also has a patch of skin underneath his gut fold that looks like cottage cheese. I also have a theory that he is secretly a woman, and is currently undergoing menopause, and is a moody bitch on the rag. Lame bands are not worthy of my time and energy, so they can go hang out with Hall and Oates... "she's a maneater!".