Leif: First off Mr. Crookes (Assuming that is you real name) please explain yourself and this filth you have bestowed upon the world.
Teufel: My real name is not Eric Crookes, as many have been led to believe. I am really Tito Jackson, brother of Michael and LaToya. After over 50 surgeries I look like a balding 22 year old white Canadian with a small penis. In the coming years I hope to have the appearance of Jackie Chan, or possibly OddJob from Goldfinger.

Just a personal question, how are you two fathers doing?
Teufel: Rob Halford has begun work on a new band and Elton John is in Spain getting the knob on his sceptre polished by the skilled workers at Repulse Records. Dave Rotten is a master felater.

We all know that Teufel's Tomb is the absolute best Metal site on the net, but it has never been addressed why. I attribute it 100% to my good looks and humble personality. I would enjoy knowing what you think on this subject.
Teufel: I would have to say the reason my site is so popular is because I'm a complete and total ass poseur. I attract all of the other poseurs of the world. In reality I'm just a dance freak. Backstreet Boys are fucking amazing, as are 'N Sync and 98 Degrees, believe me, they're much hotter than that. I'm actually considering opening up branches of Teufel's Tomb to cater to my true musical preferences, like teufelscrib.com for my love of hip hop, and teufelssaloon.com for the excellent country music coming out of the underground in Iceland. It's just amazing.

In a vague attempt for me to care, please explain why you decided to create this mess.
Teufel: I just started it to promote the underground metal scene, and to become famous. Actually, I started the site back in '95 after going online and noticing all of the metal pages had no decent information and completely sucked. I started off by designing a Cannibal Corpse website to promote them, who, at the time, had just released . Around the same time Chris Barnes started his Six Feet Under project, and I added that to the page, eventually I had enough information that I split it up into two pages. I even had a Malevolent Creation site up briefly, but that was during a time the band didn't suck as badly as they do now. At one point I had websites of Cannibal Corpse, Besieged, Crisis, Fear Factory, Malevolent Creation, Napalm Death and Suffocation. In 1997 I finally moved the website to teufelstomb.com and had only the official Besieged, Cannibal Corpse, Napalm Death and Suffocation sites. Back in 1995 or 1996 (I can't recall) I decided to start up a magazine entitled Aural Armageddon, it was on the web, and a few copies were actually printed (less than 20, just printed from the printer on my computer). I found that to be a pain in the ass so I just made it a full-time webzine. In the beginning it was actually a nice zine with pretty much kiss ass reviews and interviews with a few well known and underground acts. In '98 I figured it was kind of confusing having the two similar things used to promote metal being separate, so I combined the two. From those who remember the old site, it was a true fucking mess. In May '99 I had problems with the piece of shit provider I was using and they fined me for some bogus crap and threatened legal action against me if I didn't pay up, I just told them to fuck off. Around the same time I'd gone to the Ohio Death Fest and realized just how fucking stupid metal heads are by hanging around with them, and more or less decided it wasn't worth my time or effort to rebuild the site for those losers and killed it off. In September '99 I was unemployed and bored so I started working on rebuilding the site from scratch. It took a lot of long hard work, but I finally got it done. The site is basically part informational tool and part just me goofing off and entertaining myself. I didn't bring the site back for anyone, I just brought it back because it gives me something to do while I look for work. Once I'm employed I'll probably kill off the site, pissing many people off, but I don't care.

Is it true you are the owner of www.Gay.com?
Teufel: That is a ridiculous question, of course not. www.sexystudsinleatherchapsandcowboyhats.com yes, but www.gay.com? I mean, really, what do you take me for?

We live in a pussy society. Be it either America, Canada, or Europe, we live in a world run by women, gay men and men who might as well be gay. In this society men who are more prone to picking blueberries in the woods while getting "in touch with his feminine side", to true men who go to work, drink coffee and improve their body. Now we see men who enjoy cock more than they do booze! Men who enjoy decorating a living room more than they do hockey! Please comment on why the world is going, in my humble opinion, "gay".
Teufel: I think homosexuals have always existed in society, they just hid behind a macho veil. In the 90s a lot of people came out of the closet and homosexuality became "okay" in the mainstream. I personally have nothing against people being gay, if two women want to frolic in each other's gardens or two guys want to give their knobs a spit shine, that's fine with me, what I do have a problem with is people feeling they must tell everyone that they're gay. Who the fuck cares? Anyway... to touch on your subject... I mean, the subject in hand... I mean... umm... I think the entire world has just become far too fucked up. People of today have things much easier than they did 30-40 years ago. When technology wasn't as advanced, people had to do a lot of the things they take for granted today the hard way. If you wanted to change the channel on your TV you had to punch your kid in the head and make them change it for you. If you wanted to mow the lawn you had to push the rusty old mower yourself, instead of riding around in a glorified golf cart. Things were just harder, and in the past however many years technology has advanced to the point where people don't need to rely on the old ways of doing things. People do a whole hell of a lot less now than they did back then. Back then everyone suffered and everyone worked hard and got thick skin from generations of that, now people have just gotten lazy, and too many people have too much spare time and they are now running things. I mean, only a few years ago to watch hockey you had to fucking watch the screen and follow the puck with your own eyes, but to make things easier they now have a blue streak to show you where the puck is. I mean, if that's not the ultimate in laziness, I don't know what is. The hard workers at the top got lazy and buckled under pressure and now completely full of shit people are in power. Either that or the blame can be put entirely on The Village People and the acting of David Hasselhoff.

Early on you promised an interview with the infamous fat head singer of Anal Blast, Don Pecker..err..Don Decker. Why has this interview not bee completed? Is it because you were not able to handle the smell of this waste of air, or is just that you are a lazy Canadian worm.
Teufel: Don Decker is a man of infinite wisdom, he is simply too busy sharing his views with the world, like how used tampons can be recycled into meals to be served at fast food restaurants to be able to reply to the interview I e-mailed him. Either that or he found a 24 hour "All You Can Eat" restaurant and is milking his $7.50 for all he can. He's probably passed out under a table at Denny's as we speak.

Everyone who has a clue knows you are from Canada, and all of those people know you Canadians are a little bit strange. The only thing I have uncovered about the Secret lifestyle of Canadians is that you enjoy Ice hockey and Ice fishing. Please Explain the mystery to the non-Canadians please.
Teufel: For the most part Canadians are nothing more than Americans who say "eh" a lot. People living in Toronto and Vancouver are basically just people who wear berets, smoke cigarettes through small plastic holders and whine whenever the thermometer dips to freezing, they practically close the cities when it snows. True Canadians are a manly breed. Even the most feminine Canadian is more manly than the manliest American. Every true Canadian doesn't own a snow blower, we shovel our snow with a spoon, and not a table spoon, oh no, that would be the American way of doing it, we do it with a tea spoon, the *true* way. We drink real beer, not tap water with a touch of alcohol in it. We drink the kind of shit that could kill an ox with one sip. Fuck you and your 2.9% beer. Anything under 8% is Mountain Dew to Canadians. We can always tell who the American tourist is at the bar, they're the ones passed out on the floor with only two empty bottles of beer sitting in front of them. We don't count how many drinks we have by the bottle, we count by the case; "How much beer did you drink?" "I'm on my 8th right now, only just now starting to get a buzz." "Pussy."

I understand you are a big fan of hockey. And as a person who enjoys the game, I'd like for you to explain a few things. First, why is it that Canadians are obsessed with hockey, yet the Americans teams destroy all Canadian teams Every single year. Why is it that the Detroit Red Wings lineup sounds more like a roll-call list at a Soviet KGB meeting than a hockey roster. And most importantly, why does Jagr wear his hair like such a fucking homo.
Teufel: It is a little known fact that Jagr is actually a metal fan, unfortunately I think his favorite band was Metallica because when they cut their hair, so did he. He seems like the type of European metaller who would wear band patches on his jean jacket, I'm sure he still wears one. The reason the Americans keep winning the Stanley Cup is easy, to piss off Canadians. It's true, Americans couldn't care less about hockey, but since Canada fucking destroyed the Americans in the World Series a few years back, they have felt compelled to humiliate Canadian teams every chance they get. Of course most Canadian teams are compiled of illegal immigrants, most of whose only English they understand is "put puck in net" and "take a dive." Canadians would win more Stanley Cups, but as Canadians living in Canada, they have to contend with being completely wasted and hungover from their 8 or 9 beer consumption (remember, that's in cases, not bottles). It doesn't really matter anyway, most American teams are compiled of Canadian players anyway, so no matter what, some Canadian goof who grew up playing with a cows tits on the farm is going to be jerking off in the Cup while some Swedish pud packer drinks from it.

I have noticed many people have bitched and moaned about the tone of my reviews, the fact I only use the words Fuck and Gay usually also enrages them. Now, I am very sure that I am of course correct in my thought that I am completely correct, and everyone else is just a cock smoking moron. Is it true the audience of Teufel's Tomb are fucking morons?
Teufel: Yes. Everyone who reads my website is stupid. Even as we speak there is someone reading my website and thinking up as many uses of the word "gay" to add in a single paragraph to describe my website and the reviews contained within. I, however, don't care what these people think, since they, being the retards they are, still come back to the site on a regular basis only to find more things to complain about. If I get so many complaints for just stating opinions, then I know I must be doing something right. I don't even mention anything being "gay" in a review or use any racial slurs, I just go out of my way to be as obnoxious as possible to irritate them. Then again the people who do complain about the website are 17 years old, were listening to Korn no more than 2 years ago and now claim to be metal authorities, while you and I have been listening to metal since our mothers were moshing at Black Sabbath concerts while we were still in the womb. Actually, I have been listening to metal for almost 18 years, the first band I listened to regularly at age 5 was KISS and, technically, they were metal at the time. So really, to answer your question, yes, the readers of Teufel's Tomb are indeed fucking morons as anyone with half a brain should realize that my opinion is the only one that matters. As always, I am cool and you are gay. Fuck off.