Teufel: When do you want to begin the mutual felation?
John: Whenever you're hard.

Mission accomplished. All aboard the mantrain!
John: Well then take it off! Lets get lubed!

Alright, sweetness, bring on the meatness!
John: I'm waiting.... don't tease.

I'll begin the ass hammering... first off why is Spencer out of the band? Did he go straight?
John: That was one of the reasons. He was under age so we wanted someone that we wouldn't have to worry about getting arrested for and that he just wasn't into pleasuring everyone in the band. We were all very tight, if you know what I mean, and we went in to record Summary Execution with every intention of having Spencer on the vocals for the album, but once the music was tracked and it was time for the vocals to be done, it just wasn't working and nobody in the band thought we were accomplishing the most brutal, crushing album that we were capable of doing and the main change was in the vocal style. We all decided that we needed to fix the problem. It was a rough time for a personnel change, but it had to be done and just like when having sex there is no mercy.

I understand how that is, I've been there many a time. At what point did you decide to give the vocal duties to Mike and Paul? Did Chris Barnes say no? Even after the offering of buttplugs?
John: We actually tried to get Paul Stanley who comes with his own buttplugs, so that would have been a match made in heaven, but all of our personalities didn't click together. Then we tried out Halford, but all he wanted us sex 24/7 from all of us young tight strapping men. So then we decided well we better go with what we know. Paul has always done back up low vocals behind Spencer. We took that, put him a little more in the front, gave him some more lines and he was good to go. Then all of a sudden Mike was like "Let me try it out" and he went in there, just free-flowed over a song we finished and everyone's jaw hit the floor. Just like "Holy shit this is exactly what we have been looking for!!" I mean we already knew what his personal anatomy consisted of, so we took that into consideration but figured we can get extensions and so we let him take over front man vocal duties on Summary... We are still looking for a full-time front man, so if anyone knows how to contact Geoff Tate let us know or tell him that Vulgar Pigeons are interested, and to come wearing his spandex biker shorts to the tryout!

I would try out, but I live too far away, although I have always dreamed of living in Man Francisco. Curse my Canadian hide. Actually, Mike taking over vocals leads me into another butt busting question. Why did you feel the need to add a second guitarist, especially him? I mean... I've looked at him, and I don't like to judge, but... he's fugly. Did you take a fugly man to limit the competition?
John: Basically we took him, because we knew no one would be hitting on him. We don't like having competition between the men in the band. You haven't seen Mike in fishnet stockings and heavy blue eyeliner with his hair teased, so you don't know what you are missing. If this question was your way of hitting on him, you better hope to god I don't see you, because he is my partner for the months of August, October, and February. I guess we could take on a threesome... oops! Did I say that? Besides bringing a new fresh physical sensation to VP, we wanted to really thicken up the sound and get some ideas into the pot while writing and that's what Mike did, He is an amazing, amazing guitar player even if he does wear a thong and fishnets while playing. Hell that's we love him! God this interview is really turning me on...

What do you think of his "other" project, Severed Savior? Does it make you jealous that he spreads himself around the underground like a gerbils intestines after being run over with a steamroller? And I know what you mean... I just put down my August issue of Stroker Magazine and am putting my full cock slapping efforts into thoughts of your gentle blast beating touch.... oh... I mean to say, I agree... this interview is going well...
John: Everyone is welcome to run around as much as they like, just keep yourself protected and remember who your daddy is... I mean I double and triple my pleasures all the time, I have the sexiness of VP, the maturity of Benümb, and I am now working on a more exotic styling with a new project I have taken to the base. Severed Savior is amazing. They are a great band, talented as fuck, and its only time until they erect the success they deserve. We are all friends together and sometimes have oiled up slumber parties with all of us! Plus they practice right next door to us, so glory holes are running rampant on the wall! I was just hanging at J-Lab studios last night with Severed Savior and they are recording some new stuff that is just mind blowing. Makes me wish I practiced more at certain things.

I've spoken to someone in Severed Savior a few times, he was commenting on how amazing your genitalia glistens under the J-Lab Studio lights... needless to say I was both curious and jealous. Of course with the mentioning of Benümb, I must ask a few related questions, such as why is Paul no longer in the group, and why did you and he choose to continue to working together outside of Benümb? Was it the prospect of more manmeat?
John: If you think I look good under the lights. Imagine me propped up on a mixing board, spread open and ready to be EQ'd. Paul and I have known each other since we were 5 years old, not sexually active during all those years, but definitely a good majority of them so our relationship is far deeper than the band or even sex for that matter. Life partners we are. When Benümb was recording their first album, Soul Of The Martyr, things were really screwed up and chaotic, and Paul stepped in to play guitar. Well, he was going through some personal stress and it carried over to the band and he just needed a break on it, so he left and we had to go on and finished up the album. During all this time Paul and I are still hanging out, getting plastered every night with Sanders. Getting lathered up, letting feelings flow as we sit in the hot tub, and the idea of starting VP comes along and, hell I am a whore so I hopped up on the back of it, took it by the reins, and really rode it home. I'm good like that.

Wow... I was hoping I'd have a chance to steal you away from his furry grasp, but it seems as though I have no chance to steal your heart... well... at least it's good to know your loins are open to negotiations. I may as well ask this while we're on the subject of Benümb, what are you guys up to at the moment? Last thing I heard about the group was a split with equal opportunity sodomizers Agoraphobic Nosebleed.
John: Benümb just finished doing the Loud as Fuck fest in New York. We have a split coming out with Agoraphobic on Relapse, and we have a split coming out with Pig Destroyer on Loudnet, and now it is just writing time for the third album, which will coming out probably the beginning of 2002. Touching on the subject of my relationship with Paul, it is spiritual and deep but we are always open to new exciting life situations so please don't let him scare you away.

Ooo... I'm already visibly excited. So Severed Savior are in studio, Benümb are preparing for a new album, what are you Vulgar Pigeoning colon teasers doing?
John: VP is waiting the release of Summary Execution, which should be the end of August. We are gearing up for a mini tour with Cattle Decaption which will hit the West Coast in October. Probably get drunk tonight and take bubble baths together as we express our feelings, our wants and needs to each other about the direction of Vulgar Pigeons and what our next step should be after the Cattle Decapitation stint.

With the amount of homosexual bands painting the West Coast pink, you should have no problem fulfilling your needs for manmeat. Speaking of Cattle Decapitation and Pig Destroyer, those two, along with Vulgar Pigeons, appeared on the Deathvomit tribute to Carcass. When were you approached about to do it and why did you choose to cover Corporeal Jigsore Quandary? It just happens to be my favourite Carcass classic. Were you doing it secretly trying to get into my panties? If that was your goal, mission accomplished, my friend... all aboard the mantrain!
John: Well most sexy attractive pieces of flesh are into that song and we just wanted to stamp our rainbow all over the Carcass version. Plus the fact that most of us knew the song and have fucked around with it for years, so it was just a natural choice. It fit in with us really easy and snug. No need to dress it up and get it all slickly lubed up. If you dot mind me asking, what kind of panties are you were right now?? Wearing... sorry getting a little nervous.

I'm wearing a red lace thong, with nothing but a thin strip of fabric easing up my crack... anyway, how did you feel about the way your cover turned out and what sort of press have you heard about it? Of course I should also ask what you think about the compilation as a whole?
John: I have seen a number of press items on the cover album. Most have been really good and positive. I'd say this comp has done great, usually most comps just get shitted on and left behind as a money maker, but this one has been getting positive reviews and people seem to be really into it. I love the cover that VP did. I think it turned out great! The sample in the middle of the song, all of it! Sometimes the greatest end result is made with mistakes... except when you're really drunk in a unfamiliar city with guy named Bernard. Who says he really cares about you... bastard!

Or Jose... he is a man I'll never forget. Him and those damn irresistible sideburns... *sighs longingly* Anyway... back to VP... how do you feel about Summary Execution? Do you feel it's far superior than your Genetic Predisposition release, or is it just as good, only different, with the loss of Spencer and addition of Mike? Both the buttsex, and the music?
John: The sex is much rougher. Spencer was always emo about sex and he had to have candles burning and everything need to be planned out, ya know. "First I'm going to start on your nipples, work my way down to your belly button, and proceed to the magic spot." Things like that. With this new VP, its just grab your hole and go, sheets flying off the bed, payphones being broken, broomsticks being cracked, the whole nine yards. The sex is superior by far... To quote Madonna, who is a life long idol of mine, when you come to see VP, "Leave your inhibitions at the door". The music, although not as exciting as our renewed love life, is in the same category; everything is heavier, a lot more girth, circumference, thickness, weight, the whole package.. Summary Execution by far steps above Genetic Predisposition in my opinion.

How would you compare the ass blasting of Vulgar Pigeons, to the cock welting inducements of Benümb to the spread eagle beagle assault of Severed Savior?
John: Have you seen the new Planet Of The Apes yet?

No, I haven't seen it yet. Probably because there's only one movie theatre in this town that shows one movie a week, the movie they show is one that was released a month and a half ago. That and they banned me after I was caught jerking off during Pokémon 2000. I couldn't help it, Charmander does things for me which no other anime creature can do...
John: Go see it now!! It is so stimulating to see all of these little hairy beasts running around conquering man and dominating them? God, how I wish I knew how to build a time pod... So anyways, back to the comparison. God I am so worked up...

So am I... the tension is so thick in here the KY is starting to bubble.
John: Benümb is more straightforward, kinda of like the hetro male. Just plays aggressive doing the straight and narrow. VP is like the bi-sexual, looking to be let out of its cage. We'll take a little from the hetero, a little from the gay side, a little bestiality, throw a little scat in there and you got something filled with so many options and flavours that the possibilities and boundaries are endless. Severed is like the nerd that is neither gay or straight, he just sits in the room calculating numbers, facts, plotting, and he is so good yet no sexual denomination. Hell the only reason Mike is getting laid is because he is a Pigeon. The rest of those guys are reading Fangoria, thinking about their next song. I think if they got laid, they might lose their edge. So they stay frustrated, they can't help but make amazing shit.

I understand the sexual frustration... I have gone many moons without a woman's touch... I mean... I'm NOT STRAIGHT... wow... that just slipped out... no... I don't mean cock slipping out of the confines of my anus... I mean... Dear god... I feel like I'm living a lie... I... I... I wasn't really reading Stroker magazine before you came on... it was Jugs, but I was only reading it for the articles, I swear!
John: Oh my god! I opened up to you and this is how you repay me, by looking at a female's breasts? You are so hetero. Typical man. Oh god, I don't know if I can go on with this interview or not. If it makes you feel better I can put a wig on, it all looks the same from behind.

No, no. It's okay. The feelings are gone... I went and found my gerbil Mr. Squibbles... all is good once again. Okay... I must get back to the subject of Pigeons... According to your band's bio, which was magnificently made up by Melanie at Deathvomit, you got the name from Jack Kerouac's "On The Road" novel. I have only two questions to ask relating to this. Who is this man, and is the novel erotic literature?
John: I don't waste my time with books and stuff, I am a magazine man. Actually, I have read the Fermata, but you would have to ask the big intellectual in the band, Paul. All I know is Kerouac is this author, he is probably straight and the book is about something. Something not interesting I am sure, but it is from there Paul came up with it and I had to agree as my band name suggestions of "Flooded Anal Cavity", "Fuck My Ass With A Dildo", and "Man On Man Blowjob Craving" all got turned down, so we were stuck with Vulgar Pigeons. Can we go off the record for a minute?

Of course.
John: Jesus I think my pants are going to split from this boner I got... ok.. I am ready to go on.

I understand... the cockcravings I'm enduring right now are incredible... I feel like pulling down my pants and running backwards into the doorknob, but I'll try to go on.
John: Ok, at least I am not alone.

Back to the subject of band names, I've always wanted to start a metal project called HomoErectus. It would probably consist of myself and Abbas of Ember, either on drums or bass, and I don't know who else... I've already drawn the logo, it's a very phallic looking thing, it arouses Abbas to no end. That reminds me, have you ever had the pleasure of Abbas' brown folds?
John: Mmmm, who is this you talk of, and can I get in contact to take him on a test spin with your permission of course? Better yet, I can play drums for HomoErectus and Abbas on bass? That way there are threesomes to start and end practices. You haven't lived until you have seen orgasm all over my snare drum, and then play on it. Its like the whole rain/water effect but much tastier.

Abbas picks the guitar strings, and occasionally the strings joined to my loins, and he beats the skins, if you understand my meaning. If you have not heard Ember, I must get you hooked up with a copy of their CD. The lustful display is real and true... I actually have a picture somewhere of two of the band members with their hands down each other's pants... I only dream to be that open with my sexuality. Some day... some day...
John: Yes, it is tough, but I think this interview is helping us both reach new sensations that we have never felt!

I was reading in the 25th issue of Penthouse, for research purposes only, of course. In it there is a letter from a man who claims he has reached unparalleled orgasms by filling a blender with milk and bananas and inserting his penis, dipping it in, but keeping them away from the blades. My question is this, do you think it would be possible to make butter by pouring milk into the colon of another man and pounding away?
John: Would I be pounding away by giving a tongue lashing or would I be pounding away with passion stick?

Either way, I think we should give it a try as soon as this interview is over.
John: I think so.. I could go for a milkshake, so you know what that means? We'll have to add ice to the ass and really pound it out for an outrageous amount of time!

I'll supply the chocolate, you bring on the milky white.
John: Do we have any more questions, or are we ready to cyber this cockfest out yet?!?!

I can't think of any other questions. My loins are barely being held within the confines of my thong. The pressure is so great that it's causing the fabric to tear into my ass, causing my butt cheeks to lengthen. I suppose my final question would have to be, my place or yours?
John: Mine. I have the genital stretcher here and the strap bench for further erotic sensations!

Oh wow... let the blast beating begin!
John: You don't even know!!! Mmmm...

This is by far the dumbest interview I've ever done... hopefully it will satisfy Melanie and hopefully she'll never ask me to interview another band again.
John: (laughs) Killer! Glad I could add to the dumbness!

Without your help it would have merely been really really stupid, with your help it is now retarded and chances are people will want to hit you with rocks every time you go on stage. I do my part for the scene...
John: Yeah... now I'm going to have guys hitting on me...