What the fuck happened to Amorphis?  The last time I bothered listening to an Amorphis album was Tales From The Thousand Lakes way back in ’94.  Prior to that album Amorphis was a killer death metal act, releasing two notable releases; the 1992 full length effort The Karelian Isthmus and the follow-up 1993 EP Privilege Of Evil.  Those first two albums are pretty much mandatory listens for all fans of old school Scandinavian death metal and while Tales From The Thousand Lakes was okay, it just lacked the grittiness of their earlier material and I quickly lost interest when I found out the band was straying even further from their original sound on subsequent releases.

2009′s Skyforger is not the Amorphis I remember.  The band still contains three members from the original line-up, guitarists Tomi Koivusaari and Esa Holopainen and drummer Jan Rechberger, but the music they create today, along with keyboardist Santeri Kallio, bassist Niclas Etelävuori and vocalist Tomi Joutsen is just… fucking… fruity!  Laughably so.

Skyforger is 10 tracks of  folk rock “metal” with a ridiculously overproduced sound, sissified riffs and some of the funniest vocals I’ve ever heard.  One listen to Joutsen speak-singing on the second track, “Silver Bride”, with a thick Finnish accent and I’m on the floor gasping for air with snot streaming out of my nose and tears running down my rosy red cheeks I’m laughing so fucking hard.  I’ve honestly had farts heavier than the meatiest riff contained on Skyforger.

Jesus fucking Christ, who ass-fucked the manliness out of Amorphis?  Were they all gang raped by a band of traveling folk singers?  The song writing is so fucking corny it could easily be used as the soundtrack for some cheesy kids anime movie, with the fruity keyboards, tardtastic vocals and hilarious “emotional” lyrics.  Here’s a sample from the track “My Sun”:

Her hair I would long to adorn
With glowing stars
Her brow with shining sun
In silver I would trace
The moonshine of her grace
The shining one

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Are you fucking serious?!?!?!  I’ve read better, and less flowery, poetry written by eight year old girls about their Barbie dolls.  In all seriousness and honesty, listening to Poison‘s Look What The Cat Dragged In in a gay bar while getting blown and assfucked at the same time is a manlier endeavor than listening to Skyforger.  Hell, even a reach around by George Michael while he grunts “I want your sex.” into your ear in a public toilet is manlier.

Obviously, Amorphis have developed a pretty strong fan base since abandoning their death metal roots more than a decade ago, and I’m sure they’re all very content with their career choice to become pop stars instead of playing metal, but I would stab myself in the face with a rusty pair of scissors if I was forced to listen to this garbage ever again.  I hope their tour bus gets hit by a falling plane.  If you really like this shit, you should listen to Clay Aiken, his singing is like brutal death metal gurgles compared to this shit.  I need to turn this shit off before I start getting the urge to starting pitching to men… or worse yet, catching!  I don’t want a leathery asshole!

Review byTeufel