A now defunct distro (most likely because of their buy 6 - get 4 free offer) once sent me Bane Of Existence’s self-titled debut e.p. Without any prior knowledge of the band, I opened the disc with open ears. Highly impressed by the violence of the disc, I awaited a full-length release. And much like the Big Naturals homepage, the disc did little to disappoint.

…moans and groans… here goes Double D’s again with some glorification of some East Coast slam band. That little segue was for all of those who like to, say, spell brutal with two O’s or for those who have hidden their Internal Bleeding long-sleeves under their newest DVD in the Guys Gone Wild collection, Wild at Sticky Buns. I wear my Internal Bleeding long-sleeve proudly, even to buy produce or a half pound of sopressata. My Mortal Decay shirt even got me a free lap dance by a very buxom and fat-assed Russian girl named Anika who said, "You no have girlfriend? You have big penis." And I believed that like I believed that Barry Bonds has never done steroids. And on the topic of girth, the newest release by Bane Of Existence is heavier and meatier than your dad’s Ball Park’s.

Violent. Abrasive. Scathing. Triple Slam Breakfast at Denny’s; these are all things that come to mind when listening to this disc. This disc will hit your dome harder than Todd Bertuzzi (for the few hockey fans out there!) The vocals are thick, throaty, and barked by some guy (by the picture) who seems rather "normal," slightly balding and wearing a bowling shirt. I wondered if he used this voice at the Wendy’s drive-thru. Anyway, the guitar is heavy as all hell, extremely thick, and melts into the bass. Now, if I am going to apply my token band comparisons, I would say that Bane Of Existence is a death metal version of Grief, even Crowbar. This is a mighty claim but I shall explain. The overall feel of this disc is ominous, dark, and nasty, the same way one might feel after listening to Immolation’s Here In After or Incantation’s Mortal Throne Of The Nazarene. In addition, the guitar player often lets chords ring out and changes the tempos of the riffs, creating a bizarre yet beautiful form of melody, much like Grief (check out the end of track six, "Iconoclast" - my personal favorite). Add the groove (more head bobbing than your girlfriend at the frat house) and the balls (big, hairy ones) of Crowbar and you have Bane Of Existence. I should emphasize that I have made comparisons to Bane Of Existence as the "death metal" versions of Grief and Crowbar, not replicas. So, I do hope that I do not hear some feedback from some cheese-bag about how they sound nothing like them. Use some imagination, like the one you use at night before you moisten your Champion shorts thinking about your boy’s girlfriend’s black lace thong.

Of course, there are some nice grinding and blasting parts within each song and they add to the apocalyptic nature of the entire disc. This is what death/doom metal should sound like. Wrap it all up in some professional packaging with somber pictures and illustrations and you have a real solid release and a band worthy of taking note of. If the above comparisons sound intriguing, it’s worth the ten dollars even for you non-slammers and pit-riff haters. Bane Of Existence is able to put a new spin on what many (not myself) consider to be a stale and monotonous form of death metal. There is something for everyone! Long live the brutal slam riff! Long live East Coast Mosh Madness!

Written By: Double Ds