I remember a time when I’d hear about a new Relapse Records release and know it was going to be either a death metal or grindcore release. Nowadays when I hear about a new Relapse Records release the only thought that crosses my mind is "Oh fuck, what musical abomination are they unleashing upon the masses this time?" The latest abomination comes in the form of Savannah, Georgia’s Baroness‘ debut full length offering Red Album.

Why do they call this album Red Album? I have no fucking clue. I’m still trying to figure out why many members of the "press" are calling this band a "sludge" band. Sludge implies the material is actually heavy. Red Album is anything but heavy. This is a rock album. This is something you’d expect Roadrunner Records to release and have the band tour alongside Nickelback. I have diarrhea that’s heavier than this album.

As a rock album, it’s tolerable, but people buying releases from Relapse aren’t doing it to "rock out" they’re doing it to raise the goat horns while yelling incoherently and smashing shit. I realize Relapse are trying to break out from being a metal label, they, like everyone else, want to make money, that’s fine, whatever, but don’t fart in my ear and call it "the wind", wind doesn’t generate from someone’s butt hole and it doesn’t smell like three week-past due eggs mixed with sour milk and rotting sewage.

All you need to know about this album is the following magazines praised it as being one of the "best metal albums" of 2007; Revolver, Exclaim!, Decibel, Metal Hammer, Rock Sound and Kerrang! Who the fuck reads Revolver? Or Metal Hammer? Or Kerrang!? The same people who bought Metal Edge, Circus and Hit Parader "back in the day", that’s who. Enough said.

Bottom line is this isn’t a metal album. It’s released by a metal label, but it’s not a metal album, so I’m done talking about this stupid band and this stupid label that constantly claims "We’re not selling out." despite the fact that their recent discography is filled with more god awful cock rocking bands than even Roadrunner. Yeah, I went there. I’m not saying this album will turn you gay, but there’s a higher likelihood you’ll be farting sea monkeys after purchasing this disc. Written By: Teufel