Bwahahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha

Oh God. *Huff*, *huff*

*Weez*

[Looks at cd again]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

See kids, this- THIS- is why you don’t do drugs. Awhile back, one of music’s worst acts Korn lost their guitarist to God. Yup, that’s right: Brian “Head” Welch became born again. Now why God would decide to spread his message of love and salvation through a member of Korn is beyond me. Maybe it has something to do with redemption or some other lovey-dove bullshit, but fuck- I would never trust a dude from motherfucking Korn to tell me about metaphysical truths. Do you ask your neighborhood meth head questions on quantum physics and epistemological philosophy? FUCK NO. If you did, all the answers would revolve around some hare-brained rambling, sped up to 3 times the normal speed of dialogue. He’d then probably stall for awhile in order to figure out if you have meth, where you hide this mystical meth, how to get more of it, what to do when he expends your mythical meth stash, and why he currently isn’t on meth (which he is actually on and unaware of, as he is completely methed-out).

But I digress. These are questions for another day which I don’t care to answer, as it will surely lead me to a crackhouse. And no one wants that. Back to our crazy Jesus friend, Brian “Head” Welch goes through his conversion, mimicks Jesus, and then moves off to wherever the fuck area to… uh, shit. I don’t really know. It involved goats, and Jesus. Like a bad gay porn, only without the kink.

Somewhere along the line he got the idea to record a solo album, depicting his new found love for Jesus’ coc- I MEAN HIS SAVING GRACE. Yeah, that’s it. Saving Grace of the Lord. And thus was born Save Me from Myself, easily one of the greatest works of unintentional comedy I have ever heard.

Save Me from Myself is essentially what you would expect a member of Korn to produce after having been locked in a room with HeadControlSystem’s debut Murder Nature, recording equipment, and a crucifix dildo. He immediately went to work, screaming psalms about God over a bootleg recording of Garm’s melodic crooning while furiously ramming his hole with the Almighty anus plug, hoping for inspiration. I’m pretty sure it was the crucifix dildo, too. I don’t think Head converted to Catholicism for the Mother Mary butt plug.

Welch has crafted an album full of cliched, mid-tempo nu metal and alt radio rock that is mercilessly attempting to feign the aesthetics of Garm’s rock project… all the while failing to produce anything of actual quality. Instead, you get hilarious lyrics about Jesus, emotions, and rambling that makes Johnathan Davis’ crying about his mother sound like Lord Worm’s vocal emissions on None So Vile. (Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if Mr. Davis volunteered his help; it’s got a lot of Korn-esque vocal moments on here. But fuck it, I wasted enough of my time just listening to this garbage and I don’t want to bother looking.) By the time you hit the middle of the album and hear Head’s magnum opus of a title track, you’ll be choking from laughter: if God saved Head from himself, he wouldn’t have let Head record this damn album.

Now let’s get one thing straight: I’m not implying that since this is a Christian album it must therefore suck. It simply sucks without the religion factoring in. The Christian element makes it all the more comical as this is a testament to God’s power (as I alluded to in the last sentence of the last paragraph). With Korn, Brian “Head” Welch was a worthless piece of shit turning out rancid, piss-poor music. With God, absolutely nothing has changed. God needs to reevaluate how he goes about this.

Written By: Necro-tron