I’m going to start off by admitting that I’m retardedly high right now, attempting to appreciate the complexity that is Cephalic Carnage’s chaotic hydrogrind under the most scientific of conditions. I believe the doobie count is at 5, with one laced with hash. Damn I’m hungry. I think the last time I was this hungry was last Tuesday at lunch. I think I finally ate a corned beef sandwich at this little sandwich restaurant near where I work. The dude who runs it is this hilarious little Asian guy who puts together sandwiches like he was performing open heart surgery, just sheer medical precision. It’s a beautiful thing. Anyway, I’m getting off-topic here, back to the review; Lucid Interval is… I’m not sure how many tracks of sheer chaos. I can’t seem to find the case for the CD. I’m always losing shit like that. A few years ago when I was working in a grocery store I actually lost my watch. I never did find it. That was the first time I can honestly lost anything "major", well… except maybe for that one family trip when I was 11-12 and accidentally locked the keys inside the van and blamed it on my sister. Okay, maybe the keys weren’t really lost, since I knew where they were. I still think the whole thing was funny, but at the time, no one thought it was very funny. Anyway… I’m not sure how many tracks there are all I know is Lucid Interval is one of the most fucked up albums I’ve ever heard. Even when I’m high I don’t understand the sound they were trying to achieve, all I know is I like it. If you haven’t heard Cephalic Carnage before, it’s difficult to describe what they sound like as they morph seamlessly from chord to chord, style to style. Pretty much every style in the extreme music encyclopedia is here from Swede-death melodies to grind crunches, brutal death metal breakdowns, black metal wails, everything but Darrel Wane’s assless leather chaps. Speaking of which, that reminds me of something I saw on a website at work. For those of you who aren’t already "in the know", I work for an "Adult Entertainment" company doing graphic/web design. 50% of the sites are straight sites; the others contain backstage footage of post-show Opeth sticky cookie parties. Anyway, I was doing web banners for a gay porn website, I think it was InFlames.com, and came across a photo my coworker wanted me to use of a guy in assless leather chaps. I know most of you probably get squeamish at the thought of looking at naked men, the rest of you openly admit your man lust by donning t-shirts bearing Dimmu Borgir and Decapitated artwork. Personally, I don’t really care about it. It’s not something I’d look at in my spare time, but basically I view it as a doctor… Doctor Love! "They call him Doctor Love, Calling Doctor Love!" Man, KISS were great back in the day. Sure, musically they sucked and spawned the whole black metal make-up trend, but the way they exploited women was great! They partied just as hard as any other band, but you didn’t really hear anything about them getting arrested and shit, they just loved to nail dirty little girls… God, I wish I had their loves now, the low-fat diets so they can fit into their tight spandex jumpsuits, the weekly rectal cancer exams and endless sex with hot teenage girls. Man, if I had any sex appeal, or money, I’d be wearing clown make-up right there with them, balls-deep in the teenie twats! Well, not RIGHT there, I may be willing to look at dick at work behind the security of a monitor, but I’m still proud to say that I have no desire to look anywhere when standing at the urinals. I’ll just go to a stall to avoid even the remote possibility of seeing trouser snake. What the fuck am I talking about? Goddamn, this is some good fucking shit, man! Just makes me want to eat brownies, but I’m already too much of a fat pig. In my first months of living in Vancouver I put on, I swear to God, 50 fucking pounds due to my chronic post-doobie munchies. Speaking of which, aren’t the Hostess potato chips called "Munchies"? Man, I haven’t had chips in ages! Makes me crave pizza flavor, or sour cream & bacon. Mmmm… bacon… *drools* Homer is my God, man! That Smithers guy seems to be rather fruity. I wonder if it’s his being gay that’s turned me off of watching The Simpsons the past few seasons, or the fact that they just suck-diddly-uck nowadays. Shit, you know what? I’ve never been to Colorado before. I wonder if it’s worth going there? Which reminds me; why the fuck did Larry Walker defect to Colorado around the same time the Quebec Nordiques moved to Denver? I smell conspiracy! Either that or Walker and Peter Forsberg are gay lovers… or Joe Sakic for that matter. Actually, regular vigorous mutual as poundings certainly explain their injury-plagued careers. "Broken fibula" could be code word for "extreme rectal bleeding." Anyway, I’ve completely lost track of what I was talking about. All I can say is it’s time for bed and that Cephalic Carnage and their Lucid Interval release are strange and take some time to get into, but once you get it, it latches to you like an octopus and doesn’t let go. Does that analogy even make any sense? Fuck it, just go out and buy this fucking CD already. Written By: Teufel