Dragonforce
"Ultra Beatdown"
Artist:
Dragonforce
Album:
Ultra Beatdown
Label:
Roadrunner Records
Year:
2008
Format:
CD
Tracks:
8
Genre:
Power Metal
Following my review of Killswitch Engage’s As Daylight Dies I’ve received countless requests to review more mainstream metal releases, the one band I had the most requests to review was UK power metallers Dragonforce. Having recently signed to Roadrunner Records and gaining mass publicity through their appearance on the video game Guitar Hero 3: Legends Of Rock, Dragonforce are poised to become “the next big thing” in metal.
I’d never heard Dragonforce before and didn’t think I’d be the best person to review their material as other staff members were already well acquainted with the band and their music. When I asked if they’d be interested in reviewing their latest full length offering Ultra Beatdown reactions ranged from “if you make me review that fucking band I quit” to “if you make me listen to that fucking band I will go to your house with an axe and cut your hands off and feed them to you.” Based on their reactions you’d think I asked them to give me a prostate examination with a gloveless finger while giving me a reach around. I knew then what must be done; I’d have to man up and review it myself.
Ultra Beatdown opens with "Heroes Of Our Time" which bursts forth like a rave at a gay bar filled with men draped in feather boas, cutoff jean shorts and construction boots parading about like they’re trying out for a part in Fame. The music is a swirling whirlwind of flaming technical riffing, 80s hair metal singing and what sounds like the keyboardist who performed on Europe’s "The Final Countdown".
The eight tracks on Ultra Beatdown are marathons, clocking in at an average length of seven and a half minutes for each song. The best way to describe their music would be to take the absolute cheesiest aspects of 80s hair metal, speed it up, add some keyboards and high pitched 80s hair metal vocals while a group of the most effeminate men imaginable perform a circle jerk around Dragonforce as they shred away at their instruments.
I’ve heard some ridiculous over-the-top shit in my 25 years of listening to metal, and I’ve seen some ridiculous over-the-top shit in my 5 years working in the porn industry, but Dragonforce’s Ultra Beatdown is by far the most flamboyantly gay thing I have ever experienced in my life. Watching George Michael, Rob Halford, Elton John, Lance Bass, Boy George and Liberace in a bareback leather orgy where each man shoves fireworks up his urethra and anus and sets them alight for a bright sparkling climax would only be half as gay as this.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuals, if you’d rather have some effeminate guy named Steve to shove his dick in your ass so you can poop funny and bleed from your ass for a week than to stick your dick in a warm inviting vagina then that’s great! Jack off all over each others’ faces, jam your fists up each others ass while reciting Shakespeare and dressing up like giant hideous Vegas showgirls, just really go all out with it.
The point I’m trying to make is this; if you love vagina and boobs and ever hope to have a girl let you touch either one of them then you should absolutely not listen to Dragonforce. Listening to Dragonforce is the first step to admitting to the world that you would rather visit an NBA locker room so 7 foot tall behemoths can park their cocks in your ass than to go to the Playboy mansion and have an orgy with all of the Playmates from the last 5 years. Just wearing a Dragonforce t-shirt sends a clear message to all women and men who see it, the message isn’t “Hey, I’m a Dragonforce fan.” the message reads more like a giant arrow on your chest pointing towards your mouth that reads “INSERT COCK HERE!” with another arrow on the back pointing down towards your ass with another message that reads “INSERT COCK HERE!”
I know there are Dragonforce fans out there who will get upset and offended by the things I say. They’ll say dumb shit like I don’t know what good metal is and that I can’t appreciate the technical complexity of Dragonforce and their music. I’ll admit, the members of Dragonforce are excellent musicians, they show a great deal of talent and technique, however… the music of Dragonforce is much like a big budget movie. It’s like taking action movie icon Arnold Schwarzenegger of Predator, Terminator and Conan, sticking him in a movie with Oscar winner George Clooney, Oscar nominee Uma Thurman and Vivica A. Fox… can you imagine how brilliant that could be? Wow… surrounding Schwarzenegger with real acting talents?!?! Then make it a Batman movie. Holy shit! The potential awesomeness is making my dick hard and my brain malfunction. You get hyped for it, waiting for months for it to be released and then finally it hits the screen; Batman & Robin starring multiple Oscar award winners and nominees, a cast overflowing with talent and… it’s a huge steaming pile of shit! That’s Dragonforce.
The bottom line is, if you like Dragonforce never admit it to anyone. Ever. You’d get a much better reaction from people if you were to tell them you were a serial dog fucker with a fetish for smearing dog shit on your face and are physically unable to stop yourself from grinding your cock inside every animal you see without a leash. I need to turn this fucking CD off before I do something regrettable like smearing peanut butter all over my balls and inviting the neighbor’s dog over for a visit. This album is fucking awful, if you like this band do yourself a favor and try jerking off into your own mouth on your front porch instead of listening to their music, it’ll be much less embarrassing than having someone find out you actually like this stupid band.
Written By: Teufel
I’d never heard Dragonforce before and didn’t think I’d be the best person to review their material as other staff members were already well acquainted with the band and their music. When I asked if they’d be interested in reviewing their latest full length offering Ultra Beatdown reactions ranged from “if you make me review that fucking band I quit” to “if you make me listen to that fucking band I will go to your house with an axe and cut your hands off and feed them to you.” Based on their reactions you’d think I asked them to give me a prostate examination with a gloveless finger while giving me a reach around. I knew then what must be done; I’d have to man up and review it myself.
Ultra Beatdown opens with "Heroes Of Our Time" which bursts forth like a rave at a gay bar filled with men draped in feather boas, cutoff jean shorts and construction boots parading about like they’re trying out for a part in Fame. The music is a swirling whirlwind of flaming technical riffing, 80s hair metal singing and what sounds like the keyboardist who performed on Europe’s "The Final Countdown".
The eight tracks on Ultra Beatdown are marathons, clocking in at an average length of seven and a half minutes for each song. The best way to describe their music would be to take the absolute cheesiest aspects of 80s hair metal, speed it up, add some keyboards and high pitched 80s hair metal vocals while a group of the most effeminate men imaginable perform a circle jerk around Dragonforce as they shred away at their instruments.
I’ve heard some ridiculous over-the-top shit in my 25 years of listening to metal, and I’ve seen some ridiculous over-the-top shit in my 5 years working in the porn industry, but Dragonforce’s Ultra Beatdown is by far the most flamboyantly gay thing I have ever experienced in my life. Watching George Michael, Rob Halford, Elton John, Lance Bass, Boy George and Liberace in a bareback leather orgy where each man shoves fireworks up his urethra and anus and sets them alight for a bright sparkling climax would only be half as gay as this.
Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuals, if you’d rather have some effeminate guy named Steve to shove his dick in your ass so you can poop funny and bleed from your ass for a week than to stick your dick in a warm inviting vagina then that’s great! Jack off all over each others’ faces, jam your fists up each others ass while reciting Shakespeare and dressing up like giant hideous Vegas showgirls, just really go all out with it.
The point I’m trying to make is this; if you love vagina and boobs and ever hope to have a girl let you touch either one of them then you should absolutely not listen to Dragonforce. Listening to Dragonforce is the first step to admitting to the world that you would rather visit an NBA locker room so 7 foot tall behemoths can park their cocks in your ass than to go to the Playboy mansion and have an orgy with all of the Playmates from the last 5 years. Just wearing a Dragonforce t-shirt sends a clear message to all women and men who see it, the message isn’t “Hey, I’m a Dragonforce fan.” the message reads more like a giant arrow on your chest pointing towards your mouth that reads “INSERT COCK HERE!” with another arrow on the back pointing down towards your ass with another message that reads “INSERT COCK HERE!”
I know there are Dragonforce fans out there who will get upset and offended by the things I say. They’ll say dumb shit like I don’t know what good metal is and that I can’t appreciate the technical complexity of Dragonforce and their music. I’ll admit, the members of Dragonforce are excellent musicians, they show a great deal of talent and technique, however… the music of Dragonforce is much like a big budget movie. It’s like taking action movie icon Arnold Schwarzenegger of Predator, Terminator and Conan, sticking him in a movie with Oscar winner George Clooney, Oscar nominee Uma Thurman and Vivica A. Fox… can you imagine how brilliant that could be? Wow… surrounding Schwarzenegger with real acting talents?!?! Then make it a Batman movie. Holy shit! The potential awesomeness is making my dick hard and my brain malfunction. You get hyped for it, waiting for months for it to be released and then finally it hits the screen; Batman & Robin starring multiple Oscar award winners and nominees, a cast overflowing with talent and… it’s a huge steaming pile of shit! That’s Dragonforce.
The bottom line is, if you like Dragonforce never admit it to anyone. Ever. You’d get a much better reaction from people if you were to tell them you were a serial dog fucker with a fetish for smearing dog shit on your face and are physically unable to stop yourself from grinding your cock inside every animal you see without a leash. I need to turn this fucking CD off before I do something regrettable like smearing peanut butter all over my balls and inviting the neighbor’s dog over for a visit. This album is fucking awful, if you like this band do yourself a favor and try jerking off into your own mouth on your front porch instead of listening to their music, it’ll be much less embarrassing than having someone find out you actually like this stupid band.
Written By: Teufel
36 Comments to “Dragonforce “Ultra Beatdown””
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August 23rd, 2008 3:47 pmthese guys should write anthems for the LGBT community…they’d be good at it
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August 24th, 2008 9:45 pmWhat I could never understand is why in the hell this band gets all this attention when for years, since the 80s, there have been a plethora of bands that sound EXACTLY like this shit. They get credit for being so “bad ass” but they offer NOTHING in the way of originality. Even though nowadays it’s tough to be completely original, but still…….fans of this band need to just go listen to Blind Guardian or some shit like that and be done with it.
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August 26th, 2008 12:54 pmI always wondered why DragonForce was never reviewed on this site and when I saw that Teufel had finally posted one I was excited to read it considering how overrated DragonForce is in my opinion.
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August 26th, 2008 4:28 pmFuck you I hope you die mother fucker
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August 26th, 2008 4:41 pmI’m impressed. You’re the first Dragonforce fan I’ve seen who can actually spell fucker, let alone “mother fucker.” Give your English teacher a high five!
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August 27th, 2008 9:05 amOh, wow! That is the stupidest thing I have ever read. If you’re trying to be ironical, it’s a sheer failure! What you need to keep in mind now, sir, is that you clearly aren’t a reference and that working for such a website or any music magazine doesn’t mean your advice is any worthier than your neighbour’s dog (to start off). I hope you do realize your review is, at best, a huge pile of ultra stinking shit? I didn’t see anything relating to DragonForce’s latest album? What about the music?! Is it better/worse/whateverer than their previous outing(s)?! Oh, and one last thing. Being gay myself, I can’t resist the urge to tell you to go get some gay friends in order for your dim-witted brain to erase all the clichés you’ve had shoved up the arse during all those years, because you’re clearly not being realistic and rather downright disrespectful (to say the least) to potential gay readers despite your saying you have nothing against homosexuals (haha, that was the best part I guess). No, our arses don’t bleed and we don’t poop funny after sex. Then again, maybe you were just comparing your own horsecock-riding experience with gay sex? If so, I apologize for being so rude! I’m sure I’m manlier than you too! Because you know, gay men don’t necessarily look camp or anything! They can also ooze testosterone etc.! Whoops! I suppose I’ll just leave it at that, go order the Japanese edition of Ultra Beatdown because this album is by far - at least - much better than Inhuman Rampage and, er… let you go visit your inviting vaginas, hoping having a good romp will help your mind get clearer and, maybe, co(s)mically less dumb. *runs away screaming - manly - from this website*
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August 27th, 2008 9:11 amThank you for proving my point, Captain Sodomy. Arrr matey!
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August 27th, 2008 9:34 am[...] Butt! What What? In The Butt! To: Teufel From: French Gruwer Date: August 27, 2008 9:05AM Subject: Dragonforce “Ultra Beatdown” Review Oh, wow! That is the stupidest thing I have ever read. If you’re trying to be ironical, [...]
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August 27th, 2008 9:45 amharsh but fair. I’d love to see a review of the brain frozen screamo-core shit on this site. in fact I have to review a couple myself soon. this’ll be fun…
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August 27th, 2008 10:04 amWe all already know the music we listen to is shit, we like it anyway. Have fun though.
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August 27th, 2008 11:07 amBest review I have ever read. You need your own talk show man. Dragonforce are fucking GAY. Loved the batman reference too.
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August 27th, 2008 1:44 pmBatman and Robin analogy was poetry on the level of Shakespeare. Brilliant review. I thought I was going to shit my pants laughing while reading this.
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August 27th, 2008 1:45 pmholy shit, this comment addition was gold.
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August 27th, 2008 4:23 pmYep. Can’t argue with results - French Gruver’s diatribe is immortalised in the hate mail.
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August 28th, 2008 2:51 amMan, I’m glad to see you bringing the humour back, I’ve been laughing my arse off at your new reviews.
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August 28th, 2008 3:55 amreminds me of global domination reviews. that is a good thing.
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August 29th, 2008 6:54 pmOther than the over-the-top writing style, I laughed like crazy over this review! I can’t stand Dragonforce. It’s like the “Monkeys” of Metal. Really awful stuff, and I don’t agree about the musicianship. This cd is just another in a long line of Pro-tools, excessively produced, heartless garbage. The perfect example of how to make music almost entirely through a computer. There isn’t a shred of life in one note of this “music”, all they care about is masturbating endlessly. If you want classic metal with actual people playing their instruments, go listen to Powerslave.
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August 31st, 2008 2:11 amSo it basically took you 1000 words to say what most metal fans already knew … “this album is gay”. Congratulations!
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August 31st, 2008 11:19 am998 words, actually.
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August 31st, 2008 11:37 pmHow many albums have you sold? how many people have you played live music too? as a matter of fact, who are you? just some guy with bad homosexual experiences it would appear, trying to make up for his sexual inadiquacies by trying to be funny, and failing miserable. Ironic, its the people who laugh at camp and gay things are the ones that are fooling themselves and probably havent had sex in years. That ‘5 years in porn’ made me laugh, as if to try and show the readers you are ‘a mans man, i did porn’ lol
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September 2nd, 2008 11:19 amWell Jason, you know that Milli vanilli and Britney Spears also sold a shit-ton of records and “played” their music on world’s biggest arenas? That kind of argument is extremelly retarded.
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September 2nd, 2008 4:03 pmI agree with you, DragonForce may have good musicians, but the music as a whole has no heart, and sounds like a cheap whore getting throatfucked by an infected cock. I still can’t believe bands like Turisas where their supportact… The world is unfair sometimes…
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September 3rd, 2008 3:30 pmI’m surprised so many Dragonforce-haters are reading a review of thier album. Apparently I’m gay… doens’t really matter though, cause I LOVE this music
Go Dragonforce! -
September 4th, 2008 3:39 pmFucking brilliant. enough said. you should do an editorial in a metal magazine or something. really really great. (include hatemail, thats what took this even further)
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September 6th, 2008 7:15 pmahahaha… fuck this shit is hilarious i couldnt agree more with anything and everything you have said
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September 9th, 2008 1:47 pmTechnically, Dragonforce is incredible. Musically, it is what its within its genera. Is it for everybody? That’s where personal taste comes to play its role. But all that aside, as a reviewer myself, I found offensive the way this was reviewed. By definition a reviewer is to the community what reporters are to Real Life. We provide a stable evaluation by means of an independent, and fair article about, in this case, music. You can compare it with surgery: just like those doctors open up those cute guinea pigs to point out the organs, we open up the music and make notes on what we find. Your review must be unbiased toward or against the musicians and the type of product you are reviewing. Hey… I don’t say you couldn’t be passionate about the music, just you should not go in thinking “this type of music always sucks” or “this is my favorite group” and then allow your own bias to influence your writing. You do not have to LOVE every record, nor the playing, nor the cover, nor any other aspect of the production, but don’t be disrespectful of somebody else’s hard work, knowing that other people will be influenced by what you write. Even negative critiques can be said in a pleasant way. Finally, no one should make personal attacks or derogatory remarks. Don’t waste the readers’ time complaining about the sexual preferences (your or theirs) and focus in the task of reviewing the record. You’re speaking directly to the Community: let them know your thinking, but stick to what’s relevant: the music.
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September 9th, 2008 9:18 pmIf you are looking for objective and “unbiased” reviews(By definition, EVERY review is biased),I think you are in the wrong site buddy. …. And Dragonforce music is still gay as fuck.
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September 13th, 2008 4:58 amI like dragonforce and have a girlfriend, I prefer vaginas rather tan my ass bleeding, should I quit on dragonforce? ^_^
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September 14th, 2008 1:06 pmTerrible review. You indulge us in more of your “I think gay stuff is fucking hilarious” humor, and then you call all Dragonforce fans gay? Are you that immature? You are the perfect example of a person infected by the stereotypes that this world puts on gays. extremely happy/uplifting equals gay: check all gay men are effeminate: check all gay men are into niche fetishes: check You sound like an uninformed 12 year old with an increased vocabulary. Oh wait, an uninformed 12 year old with an increased vocabulary, that has had bad gay experiences. Grow up, and write a decent review for the next DF album instead of littering it with your homophobic (and quite offensive) jokes. By the way, I love pussy, and I love DF. I just proved your entire review wrong.
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September 16th, 2008 5:40 amhaha I almost died laughing!!
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October 12th, 2008 6:02 amHey fuck face, you’re big and tough behind your computer you little faggot. Jerking off to dragonforce videos and then openly bashing them on your little fagot ass site. — The truth is you are nothing, you have no tallent except for bringing your familly dog to orgasm in less than a minute (over 7 times during the course of a dragonforce track) I studied music at the university level for 9 years and I can tell you from someone who knows everthing about the very “art” that you are bashing, is that dragonforce are probably the most tallented musicians alive today. Regardless of weather or not myself or anyone actually likes the music, their tallent as muscians is something very few can match. So before you come back with some little 1 line cheap shot, big fuckin’ talk for a little fucking pussy at his computer desk (witch is glazed over with a layer of hardened cum) let me say this: Fuck you and your Mom sideways, fuck your brothers and your sisters and your whole fucking closet of faggot boyfriends. I’m married, my wife loves Dragonforce, moreover she loves me and my music. She’s not gay, neither am I or our children. Nor is our 6000sqft house or our 3 month vaction we take every year cause we can afford it!! The point I’m trying to make is this: Show us some tallent, if you are such a fucking loud mouth! If you don’t… I challenge you to come to ottawa and tell me all your fucking pussy ass computer screen tough-guy comments to my face, I’m serious. I will post you a number and you can get in touch with my secratary and we’ll take a meeting as they say. sincerely, Shut the fuck up.
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October 29th, 2008 8:33 pmEver think about why Dragonforce is one of the most popular bands at the moment showing skill and technical complexity in music, and then looking at the rest of the metal core scream shit that is just one straight drop tuned “Top string” shred all the way through with some asshole screaming about rotting corpses and dead animals on this site that nobody knows nor gives a fuck about that you have written decent reviews about. I realy wonder how you can call DF shit after that, realy.
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November 2nd, 2008 3:00 pmI accept that people like Dragonforce but without bringing the sexuality issue into this; I’d just like to say that their “talent” is artificially created. The solos are studio manipulated, granted every band manipulates some shit in the studio here and there but Dragonforce can’t replicate it live most of the time. Thats the number one reason I look down upon them, I mean yeah I think the songwriting and singer are both incredibly flamboyant and not to my liking but my biggest issue is that people praise their musicianship constantly but they’re one of the most fake bands out there. I’d wager Ozzy has less pitchshifting on his pitiful out-of-key wails these days than the amount of studio dickery that goes into making a Dragonforce album.
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November 3rd, 2008 11:19 am@ Carminebiotch: You calling bands like Dead Congregation, Squash Bowels and Exit Wounds “metal core scream shit” that’s apparently worse than Dragonforce? How unenlightened you are. And some people DO know AND give a fuck about the music you claim nobody likes. Nyah nyah.
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November 7th, 2008 2:04 pmI honestly don’t hear what’s so “amazing” technically about Dragonforce. First off, in the studio it’s easy to sound like shred masters. Live I didn’t hear anything particularly tight or impressivefrom them. The whole “who’s faster than who” is so over. All these players do when they shred is sound anonymous…there’s just too much of it, and precious few whom can shred something that has musical value(defintion of musical value: any piece of music, including cadenze, that contains something memorable, while remaining intricately interactive with the music behind it. So many people listen to the studio concocted masturbation fests and “wow” over it, but ever check out the mega-lame backings? Most of the time, the backings consist of simple three to four chord rudimentaries that a first year guitar student could play.
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November 18th, 2008 5:13 pmyou all are poopdeck swabbing fanny pirates. Teufel needs to get a 20 oz of shut the fuck up and an eat a dick sandwhich. Fuck metal, fuck Dragonforce, fuck rock. I bet you all are emo fucks who do circle-jerk masturbating and cut yourselves to sleep. So do me a favor, all of you, get lives then throw them away. Sincerely yours, Another Hater
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