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So I’m sitting here at home on a Thursday night, sick as hell, and with nothing better to do than to crack open a can of American piss and write a review (because nothing is better for a cold than beer; anyone who knows anything knows that.) I won’t say the brand name, but it starts with a “C” and ends in “oors”. There is also a very small note here at the bottom of the can… “Fuck you curved-dick Imported Ale drinking fucks thinking you are all hard and shit. Drink responsibly.” I wonder what that means.

Anyway, what we have here is a fine spermsemen (or morsel, if you will) of a new-death-metal-band-playing-old-school-death-metal. You have to tag it as such, because if you say “Old School” the average passerby may think the band has been around for some time, when in fact, that passerby would be sorely mistaken and just may get himself killed in the process.

Well, Funebrarum has actually been around since 1999, so I suppose they are not “new” by any means. Although, it was not until recently that I had even heard their name mentioned. The Sleep of Morbid Dreams is new, though. Released a full 10 years since the band’s inception, it still sounds fresh regardless of the obvious influences to the music. Influences, you ask? Well, I’m glad you brought that up. The most prominent one, I’d say, would be Amorphis’ Privilege of Evil (you know, one of the albums Amorphis released before gay spirits took over their bodies through their rectal smiles and forced them to write music for MTV.) Aside from the Privilege of Evil thing (which I should say owes a good bit of its own sound to Abhorrence), the recording sound itself has that huge, nasty guitar sound that makes me think of none other than Grave and their almighty You’ll Never See. By the way, if this Grave reference doesn’t make you immediately and instinctively raise your fist and growl “Take my hand and walk with me until the end! You will never see heaven!”, the you, sire, are not worth more than a berry of the dingle genus. Also, there are a few parts that remind me of Symphonies of Sickness by Carcass. Don’t ask which parts and fuck you if you don’t think so. Also, don’t ask me for a blowjob. The answer is always yes and we do not need to bother with formalities and no I will not tell your metal friends lest you appear on a lower plane of brutality than they.

Anyway, I’ve been listening to a lot of this type of shit lately including bands like Dead Congregation, Ignivomous, Vorum, Krypts, Stench of Decay, Slugathor, blah blah blah. I picked this one to review because it was one of the first of a string of new albums by this particular wave of Old School Death Metal that I have been coming across. I’ll probably write a few reviews for some of the bands I just mentioned as well, but Funebrarum definitely has dibs on one of the top positions in the category if you know what I mean. If you don’t, listen to the audio sample included in this review. If your balls don’t blow out of your asshole at the end of the clip, you are most certainly a fag.

So, in conclusion, we have learned that beer is good for colds, passerbys are often killed, you are a fag, and Funebrarum’s newest offering, The Sleep of Morbid Dreams, slays. Actually, we didn’t learn that you were a fag. Your clearly visible bulging cheeks pressed against another man’s Leistenbeuge while kneeling behind the dumpster with a wad of cash in hand and a copy of Teen Beat rolled up in your back pocket gave you away.

So, in conclusion (again), along with a heap of surprisingly killer releases coming out this year, Funebrarum is most definitely at the top, flexing muscles far more muscly than thine. Buy it now!

Review byDamian