Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh my fucking God, this by far is the worst black metal album cover I’ve ever seen. Jesus Titty Fucking Christ Rubbing K-Y Over Joseph’s Genitals, who thought this was a good idea? It’s like a stylish Euro-dance video director decided to do a black metal photo shoot purely influenced by a gay man’s reinterpretation of the finale of Eyes Wide Shut while sipping on the ecstasy- and hallucinogen-laced semen of Sir Ian McKellen in full Gandalf get-up. Any minute now I expect LARP nerds to come busting through my apartment door while screaming "One does not simply fag into Mordor! Dwarf tossing ist krieg!" and then proceed to play a "kvlt" and grim game of Dungeons & Dragons. It also doesn’t help that their acronym (which stands for Imperial Crystalline Entombment) makes me think of the failed attempt at nu metal by Vanilla Ice. You remember that, right? In the late 90’s when Vanilla Ice tried to cash in on nu metal and somehow failed. He failed at bloody fucking nu metal. How can you fail at something that is failure itself? That’s like the retarded "can’t kill what’s already dead."

Fortunately, I.C.E. doesn’t sound like Vanilla Ice nor do they involve Tom Cruise fellating hobbits. Unfortunately, that’s about all the good news I can give you. I.C.E. play your typical bombastic black metal. The drums are set to blast, and the guitar work is typical harsh yet melodic, speedy, blackened riffs. The album compositionally speaking is entirely by the numbers; no thrills and no catches here. But the songwriting lacks any awesome hooks or segments outside of "Behold Thy Frozen Arctic Kingdom" that will stick in your mind. Production-wise, the sound is a lot cleaner than your typical black metal album. I.C.E. also boasts generic vocal style #3, making it entirely undistinguishable from most other acts, except for the intro and the higher pitches where the vocals distinctly sound like a 74 year-old toothless crack whore screaming at her pimp behind a Denny’s at 3 am. Or maybe it’s supposed to be a grim troll…dressed like Gandalf. I don’t know, I don’t care; the vocals simply suck.

It’s not horrible per say. This album is just one big utterance of "meh." You’re better off grabbing the new Darkthrone, Gospel of Horns, Nachtmystium, Oblomov, or Lutomsyl. There really isn’t any reason to pick this up unless you like album covers and have a fetish for horrible, sexuality-questioning fantasy artwork. I hope these guys don’t take themselves seriously.

Written By: Necro-tron