Have you ever wondered who those three assholes were over at the IHOP sitting there at any given time of the day sucking back unlimited soda pop and shooting spit-balls at each other thinking that they’re hilarious and cool? They are the ones who are sitting there saying “cunt, faggot and slut” loud enough so that everyone else in the place knows exactly what they just said. They are crazy. Their hair is oily. Between them, they’re still short on cash to share a plate of fries but they’re still having a good time, bragging about all the whores they’ve fucked and all the malt liquor they got all fucked up on. It doesn’t matter that no one believes the other about their crazy adventures; it’s just that there is nothing else to do in whatever town they are from. Oh look and they all have buzz cuts because their hard working fathers are old fashioned in their preference for hair cuts as well as their beatings for insubordination. And I guess that’s why these guys are loitering at the IHOP all day/night/afternoon long. Ain’t much else to do in San Antonio other than being totally fucking psycho at the pancake place, dude! They are hiding out from another lickin’ at the hands of their dads. Do you see those three douche bags over there? That’s Intestinal Disgorge.

When not dressing up in hilarious outfits and playing gigs that involve their three buds who mosh hard and who eat Rice Krispy cakes the whole time, these guys can be found in the basement of their parents house crafting literally hundreds of short blasty wigger songs on home recording software so that they can join in with the myspace metal underground and amass themselves an impressive discography of comps “limited” to 20 and various CDr’s that no one has ever heard of except I guess by other myspace metal underground warriors with home recording equipment.

I figure that it went like this: each drooling idiot prowled the cable stations for two weeks like crazed apes, each procuring the most “brutal” samples they could find. They ended up getting transfixed by the brutality in “America’s Most Wanted” from the sounds of it since “Scary Movie 4” and “Disturbia” was already harvested by one of their myspace metal underground friends’ bands. Cuts from skin flicks were also located and used for yuks as well. “Cunt, faggot & slut” were used in various sequences to create some of the most flaccid “offensive” song titles ever, over sixty in total.

Then one Saturday afternoon, these morons came home high on sugar from all those sodas at the IHOP to lay down those “hilarious” and “brutal” vocals. While not trading Pokemons, these guys took turns being hilarious and ironic into the microphone, I guess. Oh, and there are some guitar riffs there too. Whoopee. Everyone had fun laughing at how awesome they all were.

Anyways, these guys think they’re hilarious. I suppose that it’s kind of amusing that they claim to have been around since 1996. Hahaha, really? 1996? Let me guess, it’s the same line up too. Oh look, these guys are all BFF’s! That’s so cute. Other than the fact that 13 years seems like a lot of time spent bragging in the IHOP about that one time they got to touch a whores’ boob for free.

Boys, the story got old a long time ago. You need to stop playing music, get a fucking job and leave all of this behind you. San Antonio may be a fucking toilet, but it doesn’t mean you have to sit there like an asshole and settle on your sorry and unmemorable lives of shit for the rest of your days. Your album is called Vagina – try actually looking into getting some of that one day.

Review bySoiled Depends