Someone read one of my reviews recently, and asked me if I "actually listened" to the CD before reviewing it. Honestly, I did listen to the disc in question, but his question did give me an interesting idea…just because you’re going to review something doesn’t mean you actually need to listen to it. In some cases, listening would just present a complete waste of time. Take, for instance, Karl Sanders‘ most recent opus, Saurian Meditation. There’s no way in hell you’re going to get me to listen to this.

I just thought I’d get that fact out of the way before any smartass decided to send Teufel hate mail that read: "Dude, did you even LISTEN to Sir Karl’s latest opus?" The answer, in case you didn’t gather from the opening paragraph, is a resounding "Fuck no, douche nozzle."

My reasons for not listening to this disc before reviewing it are numerous and brilliant:

• I’m writing this review at work. And I don’t have a CD player here.
  
  
• I don’t own this CD (I heard a rumour that CDs still cost money. Once this unfortunate hassle changes, I’ll be loading my purse, er, manbag full of them. Until then, I think I’ll pass on the whole "dude, supporting the brutal dude underground dude" trend.)
  
  
• I won’t own this CD (Relapse doesn’t send free CDs for reviews because Teufel’s Tomb reviewers have too much journalistic integrity to open-wide the oral dong-portal for their lame excuses for releases? I think it’s only fair that we refuse to add to their bong fund.)
  
  
• I refuse to even download this CD (between MILF videos and rare Noktunral Mortum demo re-re-re-re-releases featuring the band covering Devo songs using only Ukrainian folk instruments, I just don’t have enough space on my hard-drive to swipe this. Being a shameless thief can be so taxing at times.)
  
  
• Karl Sanders has said unkind things about my employer, Teufel, in the past (You think I write these reviews for free? Pffft. One cannot talk smack about my generous benefactor and expect me to take the time to listen to your efforts. Granted, Karl has produced some music with Nile that I greatly enjoy, but the layaway on my platinum fronts isn’t going to pay itself, dig? )

So rather than take the time to listen to this disc, I’m going to do the next best thing: review the cover art, product descriptions from Relapse and my own preconceived, and quite possibly incorrect, notions about what this release will sound like.

Cover Art (based on the tiny picture displayed on Relapse’s site): Looks like… a hand. A hand in the desert, no less. How fitting. The hand has an eye in it, as we can reasonably expect of any self-respecting Egyptian desert hand. And it looks like there are some sort of bird/pterodactyl/winged bottles of Pepcid AC flying into the air behind the hand. Since Nile CDs tend to feature detailed explanations of their lyrics, I imagine this disc has some sort of explanation of the cover art in the CD booklet. But, since I refuse to buy the CD or download the booklet, it’s just your standard eye-hand in the desert to me. (Grade: F*)

Product Description from Relapse:
"Having long been the driving creative force behind critically-acclaimed Egyptian-tinged heavy music act Nile, Karl Sanders has a deft appreciation and insight of Middle Eastern-based music. SAURIAN MEDITATION, Sanders’ debut solo release, expounds on the mystical sounds and hypnotic passages that he often weaves within the music of Nile. Its exotic instrumentation and rich textures induce mesmeric passageways to the imagination, seducing the listener with alluring waves of sound."

Wow. Where to begin. I like how they refer to Nile as a "heavy music act," rather than a "death metal act," since the term "death metal" might scare off the mall metal demographic that Relapse seems to be courting these days. Listening to "heavy music" is fine and dandy, but we all know that "death metal" is not going to interest the average 15-year old Hot Topic shopper. And it is just me or is the phrase "debut solo release" both somehow pretentious ("Oh, he’s a solo artist now, like Yo-Yo Ma and Justin Timberlake") and terrifying ("This is only the debut? Does that mean he’s going to make more?") Let’s not forget the actual meaning of "expounds on the mystical sounds and hypnotic passages that he often weaves within the music of Nile." Your bourbon-damaged brain cells should process this statement in the following way: "Hey everyone, you know the filler material on Nile CDs? Now you can have a WHOLE CD of that." I hope Mortician could someday release a CD that was nothing but the "mystical sounds and hypnotic passages" that are "woven within the music of Mortician" (read: the lame horror-movie samples in between songs.) Imagine how awesome that would be; 70 minutes of samples with none of that silly clutter (read: songs) to distract you! I can see it now: Relapse Records presents Roger Beaujard’s Solo Debut, Zombie Meditation. Finally, in regards to Karl, I don’t want to be "seduced" in any way, shape or form. I don’t care if we’re talking about "alluring waves of sound" or a nice stout laced with the date-rape drug; I never want to see "Karl Sanders" and "seduced" together on the same page. Now, if Paulo from Copremesis wants to seduce me, that’s a different story. (Grade: F-. I would have simply been an "F," but I had to take off a few points for avoiding the term death metal and suggesting that listening to this CD would make it more likely for Karl to get up in my guts and lay some eggs.)

Preconceived notions as to what this release will sound like: Contrary to what you might think at this point, Nile is actually one of my favourite death metal bands, and I actually like some of the interludes between songs, provided they serve as enhancements rather than Black Seeds of Vengeance-like filler material. I’d imagine that this CD is most likely interesting and decent. But, if I had just said that from the beginning, I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to be needlessly malicious for no apparent reason. Since Relapse takes part in the particularly un-metal practice of "making more than enough money from their label/distro to buy new shoelaces and toothbrushes every couple of months" I’ve decided that all potentially semi-nice things I may have to say must come at the end of lengthy bash-fests. (Grade: B12.)

* If some of you morons feel like writing angry letters, please don’t be queer enough to end your meaningless rant with something along the lines of "Grade for this review: F."

Written By: Pantala Naga Pampa