Keep the Change, Despair are an up-and-coming Christian alternative metal/deathcore act from Finland. And they’ve achieved something that no other Christian act has been able to do so convincingly.

Keep the Change, Despair have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Christian God doesn’t exist, because there’s no way in Hell a loving deity would let this abortion of piss and shit fall upon terrestrial ears, let alone be credited to His name. Oh yeah, there’s been shit Christian acts before, but even Blessed By a Broken Heart isn’t this bad.

Holy shit. They managed to make Blessed by a Broken Heart look good in comparison. That’s gotta be a fucking crime against humanity.

First, we have the vocals.  There are 3 prevalent styles on this self-titled demo: a guttural growl, a slurred scream, and a clean singing vocal. The guttural growl and high pitched screams are both generic and deserve no further attention. But that clean vocal… JESUS TITTY FUCKING CHRIST SMEARING DOG SHIT ALL OVER HIS DICK WITH A CROSS MADE OF THORNS SOAKED IN BATTERY ACID.

It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to sing. It sounds like he’s trying to drunkenly sing with shredded, deformed vocal chords whose development was stunted during adolescence, while nervously fingering a 12 year-old girl in the middle of her school field trip to a sexual predator’s self-help group. A cat in heat that’s being skinned alive while being sodomized by a jackhammer sings better than this. And no- this isn’t some meathead “OOOOOOooooo fuck singing” response; I fucking go gay for power metal and traditional metal. I got no qualms with clean vocals. I just have problems with poorly implemented clean vocals or shitty clean vocals.

And FUCK, this suffers from the latter. Just go to their MySpace and listen to “ToGetHer”, “Out of This Misery”, or “…Crying for Your Name”. Listen to those clean vocals. You will get the sudden urge to go to your local gun shop, buy a shotgun, and reserve one shell for your sound system and one shell for your own cranium because blowing your fucking brains out is the only way to cleanse your mind of these spectacularly shitty vocals.

When the clean vocals and screaming vocals team up for a duet, I’m pretty sure it bends time space and retroactively shoves gypsies and Jews into ovens in Auschwitz during the 1940’s.

And then there’s the music. It’s filled to the brim with craptastic, run-of-the-mill breakdowns for mindless, pointless, and ball-less moshing amidst vapid hardcore song structure. The riffs are forgettable and offer nothing of real interest. And the drumming is sleep inducing.

To say this thing is worthless would be an insult to things with no value. Honestly, if there was in fact a God, He would have blown up their practice space with all the equipment in it, and would have then went Old Testament on their asses, unleashing supernatural boils on their penises and ballsacks that resembled the phrase “STOP MAKING ME LOOK BAD YOU FUCKING RETARDS.” But He didn’t. Why? Because He probably doesn’t exist or if He does He is the opposite of what the Christians made him out to be.

Seriously, you want to argue the existence of God? Play this demo. Assuming the theist hasn’t hung themselves from a bridge by the end of the demo, they will have to concede that God doesn’t exist… at least in any manner they believed previously.

Congratulations Keep the Change, Despair! In addition to having a retarded fucking name, you have also crafted the single worst piece of music this decade, killed God by shoving your unshaven balls down His throat, and possibly induced anal leakage into your live audiences with your clean singer’s mistake for vocal chords. You have possibly also reduced the structural stability of every church you’ve played live in with how unbearably untalented your music is. Please don’t ever record anything ever again, and don’t ever reproduce because there has to be something genetically wrong with you if you think this is acceptable to release.

Review byNecro-tron