I just woke up after listening to the debut offering of Relapse Records latest “super group” Kingdom Of Sorrow and I have to say that was the best nap I’ve had in a long time!

For those of you who’ve been living under a bridge and have no idea who Kingdom Of Sorrow are, here’s the line-up; vocalist Jamey Jasta of Hatebreed, Kirk Windstein of Crowbar and Down on guitars and backing vocals, Crowbar and Black Label Society’s Steve Gibbs on the second guitar, Shedding Old Skin bassist Matthew Brunson and finally former Scattered Remnants, Shadows Fall and Unearth drummer Derek Kerswill. Somehow this “super group” was able to combine all of the most boring elements of their respective bands and decided it would be a good idea to release it to the public.

The best way to describe the material would be like this; get Kirk Windstein and Steve Gibbs to write some boring as fuck throwaway riffs and get Jamey Jasta to yell over top of it while a somewhat competent drummer and bassist back them. It’s literally as boring as it sounds.

The songs are completely lacking in structure, it’s just the same handful of riffs repeated over and over again ad nauseum, with a steady beat and yelling over top. There’s nothing on this release that’s worth repeating, no riff, no bass line, no lyric, nothing. This is just one of those CDs that Relapse put out because they knew that Hatebreed fans and Down fans would be dumb enough to buy it no matter how much it sucked. And suck it does, hard!

Listening to this album a second time to review it is difficult because I keep nodding off. When I’m not nodding off I’m thinking about how much better it would feel to smash my fingers with a hammer than listen to this any longer. I’m seriously considering digging through my toolbox just to find something blunt to crush my digits with just so I could feel something, anything, other than disgust, boredom and apathy.

To summarize, Kingdom Of Sorrow basically sound like a shitty sludge band who just happen to be huge fans of Crowbar and Hatebreed. Honestly, I’d much rather listen to Hatebreed than Kingdom Of Sorrow, and I’d rather stick my head in a wood chipper than willingly listen to Hatebreed so you can probably figure just how much I’m enjoying listening to this. This disc straight up fucking sucks and is a complete waste of plastic. Sadly enough, this band will likely get more press and tour support than all of Relapse’s other bands combined.

Oh… I found my hammer. I’m going to smash this CD into little pieces, then I’m going to stuff it into a padded envelope. Then I’m going to shit in it. Then I’m mailing it to Relapse. Fuck… I’m constipated. Okay, first I’m going to to eat some McDonald’s… then I’m going to wait until my intestines start to shred, then I’ll squirt a greasy loaf into the envelope and then… you know what? Fuck it… I can’t even be bothered. Fuck this and fuck Relapse for releasing this steaming pile of shit!

Written By: Teufel