There are some things in life that just seem as though they were meant to remain mysteries. What is the point of having the Special Olympics set up as a "competitive event" if everyone wins a medal regardless of their performance? Why does my dog cower in terror every time the vacuum cleaner is taken out of the closet? And why, for the love of god why, do people rave about Mastodon? I’ll leave the first two mysteries for you, the reader, to ponder but I’ll be kind enough to take a stab at the third.

The main, and only reason, I can think of the apparently inexplicable Mastodon-worship is: to avoid embarrassment.

I sense I’m losing some of you at this point, which is understandable given the fact that most metal fans have the attention span of an autistic gnat, but try to bear with me here. You see, Relapse initially hyped this San Francisco bathhouse of a band as the "next big thing." And after all, who could doubt the integrity of a label that provides us with access to aural giants such as Nile, Agoraphobic Nosebleed and Alabama Thunderpussy? Certainly not the obedient sheep who accept such shit as anything other than laughable. It seems at least understandable that the hordes of bong-hitting, basement-dwelling, employment-seeking Relapse devotees would have developed anticipatory erections for this supergroup. Now, we can surely appreciate the utter letdown that these Nobel Laureates must have felt when they actually purchased this tripe. I’m sure there was some initial shock ("Hey wait…I was expecting something interesting, or at the very least tolerable…I spent my weekly weed allowance on this CD… I want some nachos") Maybe this was followed by a bout of denial ("This isn’t gay as fuck. No way dude ::::bong hit::: Fucking rock and/or roll man :::cough cough::: …. No mom, I can’t take out the garbage I’m listening to the new Mastodon and I’m amazed at how much it doesn’t suck.") Eventually, we must assume that they came to the realization that they had been hapless and deserving victims of the underground hype/sodomy machine. We can only imagine the embarrassment they must have felt, so what did they do?

Why, they pretended to like this release. How devious! They did not simply claim to "tolerate" this abomination, they actually went so far as to praise it, in public no less. I’ve got to say this, these people either have a lot of courage to say such things out loud, or they somehow lack a the capacity for "embarrassment." Whatever the case may be, I suspect that even Newt Gingrich’s sister wouldn’t be willing to publically express admiration for this GLADD-approved slab of "music." So, time goes on and more and more people fall victim to this most vicious of cycles and before you know it, people are calling this band things such as "interesting," "talented," "groundbreaking" and even "catchy." Let’s take some time to examine these claims, shall we?

"Interesting" you say? I’ll concede that the first, let’s say 30 seconds, of this release held my interest. After that, I noticed that the CD droned on for 49:53 without doing anything interesting, or intelligent for that matter. Here’s a synopsis of how the listening experience goes for this work of epic, immortal art:

1.) CD starts
2.) shit drones on and on for no apparent reason
3.) at some point listener loses any remaining belief in the possible existence of a just and loving god
4.) CD ends.

There you have it folks; nothing interesting. Scratch this one off your "to get" list. If you’ve bought it, accept the fact that you’ve been misled and if you were about to buy it, purchase something worthwhile instead. Might I suggest glue sticks?

Some will claim that this pile of homosexuality is "groundbreaking." If by "groundbreaking" you mean "introduces a new level of mundane, soulless pseudometal into the already bland metal underground" then I’d have to agree. If you mean that it some way improves upon or reinvigorates this wonderful metal underground we all share, than I’m kindly going to have to ask you to shut the ever-loving fuck up. This is a judgement call, and I’m making it. I can’t imagine why anyone would disagree with me, unless they had a rare sexual dysfunction that caused them to have several violent, earth-shattering orgasms every time they were blatantly wrong about something. This is the only explanation that makes any sense. In any case, I’m sure Mastodon’s unholy and unwashed hordes are reading this review and ejaculating their peabrains out.

"Talent"? Yes, the drummer is talented, but the rest of the band is mediocre(and I’m being generous here, because I am sure they are nice guys and as you can tell by the review thus far, I don’t like to run the risk of hurting anyone’s feelings.) I’m sure some of the readers disagree with this summary, which is understandable given your desire for error-induced cumfiestas. Back to the drummer: great stuff. A bit cluttered at times, but nonetheless its almost enough to make the rest of the monotonous songs bearable. Almost. However, I must point out a disheartening observation for all of you unfortunate genetic mishaps known as "Mastodon fans": If I record the grunts and squeals of two hogs fucking and then transpose this lovely melody over a Dennis Chambers drum solo, the result is not worthwhile music…the result is Dennis Chambers doing something impressive while two pigs express their undying affection for one another. Brann, Mastodon’s drummer, is the Dennis Chamber is this analogy. The rest of the band are squealing and stuck together like 400-pound porkers.

"How about the guitars"? Tolerable, but barely. Nothing to write home to your homosexual life partner about.
"Bass"? Doesn’t seem like its total shit, but it doesn’t seem like its all that relevant either.
"Vocals"? I’m not sure what term best describes something that is below shit in terms of quality. Sub-shit? Shit in-training? I’ll leave it up to you, the reader, to fill in your own failed attempt at a witty barb.
Once you put all of these elements together you have the Dennis Chambers Swine Ensemble; otherwise known as Mastodon.
"Catchy"? Sure, a bit. In terms of catchiness, it’s right up there with other worthy artists such as Destiny’s Child, Men Without Hats and Frankie Goes to Hollywood. I’m sure Mastodon is honored to be included in such hallowed company.

All slight exaggerations aside, this is not the worst shit that has ever sprayed its fairy seed into my ears… its just pretty bad. I’ve heard worse. The reason for the less-than-complimentary review was the fact that far too many people worship this band as though they regularly gave anal birth to golden, weed-filled eggs for the benefit of their degenerate fans. I’m sure this will have no impact on those who are already converted. I’m also sure that they have already run out of tissues after the numerous orgasms that occurred after constantly disagreeing with my careful analysis. Hopefully we can work together, dear readers, to convince possible future fans of the following: It’s okay to tolerate this band, but keep in mind that their cocks are full of carcinogens… so it would be wise to keep your tender lips off of them.

Written By: Pantala Naga Pampa