Teufel's Tomb » Reviews » Metallica “Death Magnetic”

Metallica
"Death Magnetic"

Artist:

Metallica

Album:

Death Magnetic

Label:

Warner Bros Records

Year:

2008

Format:

Tracks:

Genre:

Thrash Rock

Five years since the release of the laughably bad St. Anger, Man Francisco-based Metallica are back with their ninth full length studio effort entitled Death Magnetic. For months the hype surrounding this album has been building with everyone claiming that Death Magnetic is Metallica’s triumphant return to the sound that made them famous in the 80s. I don’t know what drugs these people were doing, but they’d better share because I sure as shit don’t hear anything remotely close to being as entertaining as anything on Kill ‘Em All, Ride The Lightning, Master Of Puppets, …And Justice For All or even the black album.

Before I get into the music, what the fuck is a “Death Magnetic”? That doesn’t even make any fucking sense. A death magnet makes sense, even magnetic death, while stupid, makes a bit more sense, but Death Magnetic? It’s a good thing these douche bags became rock stars because with that third grade education they sure as shit aren’t going to be sending astronauts into space.

Secondly… what the fuck is up with that album cover? I understand what the concept is supposed to be; a magnetic coffin, but it looks more like a magnetic asshole that’s coated in thick man hair and gaped from vigorous man on man anal pounding. The only thing it’s missing is a gerbil’s head sticking out of the coffin.

Onto the music… I’ve heard a lot of people say that this album is Master Of Puppets part two, to which I can’t help but laugh uncontrollably while trying to subdue my urge to grab them by the throat and throw them through a window. I’ve heard even more people claim that Death Magnetic sounds like a continuation of …And Justice For All, a statement that makes me need to grab my wrist firmly and pull my hand towards my wrist so I don’t backhand them in the mouth so hard that I leave a permanent hand print upside their head.

Here’s what Death Magnetic is really like; the songs are fucking long. Really fucking long, 10 tracks in just short of 75 minutes which means there are a ton of redundancies throughout the album, many of the tracks are really over after about two minutes, but they just go on and on and on ad nauseum.

The production of the release brings the band back to their old sound, with a deeper bass tone, clean higher pitched guitar tones, and a drum sound that actually sounds like drums and not some retard banging on pots and pans like the shit on St. Anger.

The song structures are a mix of material from …And Justice Of All, the black album and Load. The material sounds a lot more powerful than it really is due to the meatier production, but the songs themselves are pretty fucking boring, at no point do I find myself ready to tap my toes, let alone thrash like I used to do to the old material back in my teens. The music is just lifeless and dull, almost as if four millionaires entered a recording studio with the sole purpose of trying to record an old school Metallica album only they’re no longer capable of writing anything even remotely entertaining.

The material on Death Magnetic tends to be simplistic thrash rock in nature with the band rehashing old riffs and trying to pass it off as something new. On every song I find myself thinking “Hey, I remember that riff from Load, hey, that follow-up was from Master Of Puppets, hey, why the fuck isn’t there anything new on here? Couldn’t these washed up has beens at least pay someone to write them a decent riff?”

Fans of early Metallica, especially those who’ve grown to appreciate more extreme forms of metal, aren’t going to be impressed by Death Magnetic, unfortunately Metallica didn’t write this album for us, Death Magnetic was written to bring back the fan base they developed with the black album and in that regard, they’ll succeed. There’s no doubt in my mind that this album will sell millions of copies, the band will line their pockets with more obscene amounts of money and they’ll win tons of Grammys, but, lets face it we all know those awards are a farce, any organization that’ll hand Black Eyed Peas an award for anything other than winning a “Piss Your Pants In Public” contest is a fucking sham.

We all know at least one of these wanna-be metalheads who one day are contentedly jacking off to the latest Clay Aikens album and the next are wandering around sporting a Metallica t-shirt because they heard a song of theirs on the radio. There’s no doubt my fall is going to be filled with seeing douche bag retards trying to impress the ladies by sporting old school Metallica shirts they bought at Hot Topic. At every stop light for the rest of the year I’m going to be forced to listen to some ballless fucktard blaring Death Magnetic on his mom’s mini van stereo as he drives off to school. I already have the desire to punch random strangers in the face because I know they’re going to become born again Metallica fans.

Fuck Metallica, fuck anyone who likes any material they’ve recorded in the past 19 years and fuck any retard who claims that Death Magnetic is a resurgence of old school Metallica. You’re a fucking mindless sheep who’ll agree with any ridiculous statement that the band, and Warner Bros Records, publicity reps are willing to spout forth. I just want to take a dump on your chest, and while doing so telling you it’s a spa treatment and will leave you feeling 10 years younger, because you’ll buy into anything you stupid fucks.

To be fair, Death Magnetic is much better than anything Metallica has recorded in the past 17 years, but saying Death Magnetic is better than the black album, Load or St. Anger is the same as being glad that you shit your pants instead of shitting your bed. You’re still covered in shit no matter what you do, which is exactly how my ears feel after listening to this over hyped piece of shit. I need to go grab a toilet brush and scrub my ears clean now.

Written By: Teufel

Find more articles with: Metal, Metallica, Review, Rock, Teufel, Warner Bros. Records

173 Comments to “Metallica “Death Magnetic””

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Comment by Dodger

September 14th, 2008 3:04 am
You take the piss out of Metallica and yet low and behold a banner advertising metallica T-Shirts. You hypocritcal Fucktard. Fuck Metallica he says but please make me some money. All you twats calling Metallica sellouts why don’t you turn your attention to this pussy as he is doing exactly what you seem to hate. Clueless assholes the lot of you. GEt out of your mother’s basement and get some fresh air.
Comment by Dysenteric

September 14th, 2008 3:04 am
Someone Better Than You, you claim to spend 100+ hours a week looking up websites? Maybe you’d noticed than they don’t all have ALL CAPS everywhere on the pages. Why did you need the Caps Lock key anyway? Anyone who uses a keyboard regularly knows to use the Shift key to use capitals or other characters. If you’d've known that, which I doubt, you wouldn’t have gotten your Caps Lock jammed by hammering it twice to type one upper-case character.
Comment by Niks

September 14th, 2008 11:43 am
Man i totally agree with your review.. People are just hyping up this album.. I fucking felt the same after hearing the albub.. It sounds crap.. sounds liek some school boys jamming up . The best metal gropus are Iron Maiden and Judas Priest.. good review Teufel
Comment by XFL

September 14th, 2008 1:50 pm
My dear TEUFEL I think your comment SUCKS!!! If you wanna see crap please read one and over again what did you have wrote… MetallicA is much MetallicA, and for me is the BEST band in the history… So, JODETE LOCO!!!
Comment by XFL

September 14th, 2008 2:15 pm
TEUFEL I think you love MetallicA!!! So you are doing this to see what people says, jeje… Good Luck, and remember, … Death Magnetic hunt you down all nihgtmare long!!! Bye Mother Fucker!!! and remember, what don´t kill makes you more strong!!! So LONG LIFE TO METALLICA!!!
Comment by Judas

September 15th, 2008 6:25 am
Haha, Teufel, you really shitted the review on this one. I don’t like the album at all, but this review is just so crappy and devoid of content that it made me laugh. “Poser” is the strongest word that comes to mind… I’m sure even the metal elitists whom this review is targeted at will have a good laugh at your embarrassing attempt here to look “true”. It’s so blatantly obvious, and that’s why it’s so pathetic. I bet you’re secretly fapping to this album as I post this, you sick fuck.
Comment by Thomas

September 15th, 2008 9:28 am
That was a pretty seething review. Though I respect your opinion, I feel you may have been listening to a different CD than I did. Yes that is right, you should just stick to reviewing the latest tween Cd’s that come out and leave the real music to reviewers who’s taste do not run into shit. no offense jag off . have a good one
Comment by The Dagger

September 15th, 2008 5:32 pm
Fuck me!!! Boy, the only thing that starts a fight faster than a current Metallica album review is the arguement over Megadeth V Metallica. I am an old school metal fan,re the likes of: Slayer,Venom,Megadeth,Metallica,Exodus,Testament,Overkill,Kreator,Sodom, Exhorder,Coroner,Motorhead,etc etc etc So I know my shit. Metallica were a great Metal band. They are now older - things change - and they now sound different. As good, no they are not. But fuck, how many of you critics actually sat in whilst they made/wrote Death Magnetic. Do you know if they tried their best, or did they just sit around making shit up and giggling. Fuck me!!! I think they did try, do I like the album, not sure, am I going to bash Metallica for it. NO WAY!!!! My dad was at his best as a footballer at 32. Now he can barely fucking walk and he’s only 49. Do I bash him for it, what do you think??#$#%# And like, whatever…………..
Comment by Todger el Raymundo

September 15th, 2008 6:07 pm
Has anyone ever thought that perhaps METALLICA changed their style from that 80’s thrash to their current sound just to actually get rid of all those stupid fuckwit fucktardian ex-Metallica haters…I mean who would want them. They are white trash morons. I say job well done Metallica, but you just can’t quite exterminate them. Keep trying - Die, Die by my hand !!!!!!!!
Comment by Zapper 777Peterscroft

September 15th, 2008 6:33 pm
Hi, I am an alien new to this planet. I am confused.Please help!!!! Megadeth.Slayer.Sodom.Kreator.Overkill.Annihilator.Iron Maiden.AC/DC - etc…. most of these great bands cannot, and have not captured their former glory. Maybe only Testament and Exodus have come close. Does that mean we hate all those bands as well.
Comment by James

September 15th, 2008 6:43 pm
No one will believe me, but who cares - I have met and spoken with James Hetfield back in 91. Its a weird/dumb story, we got talking at this place coz both our names are James - er don’t worry..blah blah…anyway. The guy is cool, down to earth, funny as fuck, and not a bit conceited. I can’t remember much coz I was on cloud nine, but I did ask him how he felt about all the shit they cop. He said they don’t care, they feel like they are screwed either way no matter what they do - and they still love their old fans even if they hate Metallica back. Great attitude. and he meant it. Plus, and I remember this bit - James said, its harder than you think beinig in Metallica, and they don’t set out to make shitty records, they just make what feels right at the time, with no view to how many albums they sell or whether its old school.. So there, cop that!Plus he bought me a beer. Nice dude. Fucking tall as well.
Comment by James

September 15th, 2008 7:03 pm
Sorry typo, I met James in 01, not 91….(I think people still liked them then!)
Comment by fred

September 15th, 2008 9:23 pm
i was thinking about posting a thoughtful, mind-provoking message, but instead i will just say you suck. you obviously hadn’t heard it before you wrote that shit. i am listening to it now fuck-face. it’s good to buy a cd that you can listen through.
Comment by Cocoloko

September 16th, 2008 3:06 am
Great review Teufel. I really hate this “sacred cow” attitude from the fans of big bands like this. I don’t think this album is bad per se, but is pretty fuckin mediocre and uninspired. It’s a passable album coming from Metallica, but it really fucking sucks compared to everything else, and right now with the retro thrash movement in full swing and the constant flux of solid releases from old thrash bands, is evident that this album doesn’t cut it anymore just for the fact that its from Metallica.
Comment by james

September 16th, 2008 11:09 pm
Is this a review of the new album or a therapy session for metallica haters. Poor Teufel (poofy name) cant have his old school metallica back. Stop living in the past dickhead. i bet u have a mullett too. ahahaha.
Comment by Rich

September 17th, 2008 5:38 am
To read all this Metalli-hate is really fucking disappointing. Teufel, I have been listening to Metallica since Kill em all was Metal up your Ass, and a guitar player for over 22 years. The fucking “black’ album was a shocker for me, every kid at the time went around saying Metallica was their fav. band and their fav album was enter sandman. To hear the intensity, even just a glimmer, of the Metallica I used to know and love is precious to me. For you to berate a band in their 40’s that have given us so much great music, because you’re obv jerking off to Killswitch while rubbing Coheed and Cambria’s balls wishing you had the cash to go buy Guitar Hero, and insinuating you were once a ‘fan’ is a fucking joke. You write this review to impress your teenage friends in between dusting off your Gi Joes and playing Warcraft? I don’t care for Unforgiven 3(wish it had stayed just unforgiven) for the most part I can really appreciate everything else about this album. In a couple of ways, I find this album better then Metallica, ‘Metallica’, or at the very LEAST. equal, to. Is this album Master of Puppets, my personal favorite? Fuck, NO! Sure is a whole lot better then Load and reload of shit, imho. If you want to pick Teuf out of a crowd, just look for the guy in the Winger T-shirt carrying Batman comics, cause he’s obv a grandma’s boy poser.
Comment by james white

September 17th, 2008 10:16 am
Any of you people who still have these crazy unreal expectations of this band is beyond me. I cant think of a single band who is still together that can make a record as good as Death Magnetic. Like many other fans, I am not a big fan of their stuff after And Justice for All. But, have none of you guys never heard Garage Days Re-Visited? It is an awesome album. That was only 2 albums ago. Yes, I know it wasnt their own original songs, but the album is unbelievable. So, it isnt so hard for me to believe they can make quality music. That means 2 of their last 3 albums have been good. If you dont like it, dont listen, fine by me. I never thought that much of Kill em’ All. Hetfield’s voice was awful. Death Magnetic is not Ride the Lightning, we all know that. But what other metal band has an album this good this decade. And please dont throw some underground band at me we’ve never heard of. Because if they were that good, they would be front & center getting crazy attention.
Comment by Rich

September 17th, 2008 2:53 pm
It’s so easy for most of you little kids to trash Metallica, cause you weren’t there when when 4 dudes hit the stage in t-shirts and jeans lifting a finger to all that was mainstream glam metal crap. Someone pointed out ‘One’, which is an obvious link to the first shot at attracting a mainstream audience. Yes, they said they would never make a video.Oh, well, they got older and more $$ sounded like a good idea. I guess at that time I came to the conclusion that I had to share my favorite band with everyone else that was missing out. What if your favorite bands that some of you are saying are ‘real’ metal made it big? And everyone started wearing their t-shirts, and sporting their merchandise. Would they suddenly suck and be a bunch of wannabe’s? I understand if some of you don’t find Metallica to your taste. Fine. There is plenty of variety for all. I too find some music as worthless, devoid of creativity, just making money crap. This album isn’t it. Rick Dee’s isn’t going to be playing this album on the top 40. Or any other mainstream radio. I personally believe Metallica made this album for us fans that have been longing for the Metallica they grew up with, a rediscovery of themselves. Is it the same? No. But it is Metallica, and it pleases me as a fan. I don’t know what more you can expect from a band that has been together for as long? First album I have sat down and started playing along with in a long damn time. I am proud to say I am a fan of Metallica, for me to say anything else would make me no better then most of you that trash Metallica just because someone else told you to. AKA-poser. Enjoy your music.
Comment by Dave

September 18th, 2008 1:06 pm
All of your posts are too long. Metallica still sucks.
Comment by forumtroll

September 19th, 2008 11:52 am
Hey Teufl, you had me laughing by the 2nd paragraph. You accuse the band of having 3rd grade educations, but you haven’t the smarts yourself to understand the simple poetry of the albums’ title. “Death Magnetic” is simply a reference to the inevitability of death. It isn’t that complex. Before posting a review, make sure you know your asshole from a hole in the ground.
Comment by Tim

September 19th, 2008 1:51 pm
Seems to me like the guys went back to the Justice album, gang raped Lady Liberty, got her pregnant, reached up and pulled out the unborn fetus and buried it alive. It crawled out of it’s grave, it’s pissed off, it’s looking for blood, and it calls itself Death Magnetic. As far as I’m concerned, this is the best Metallica since Puppets. The production could be a little cleaner and punchier, but hey, I can actually hear Rob T’s bass. Kirk’s solos are killer, even on Unforgiven III. This is the “We’re very, very sorry for releasing St. Anger” disc, and I for one think Metallica is back. For a ‘Heavy Metal’ band, or ANY band in their 40s, you HAVE to give them some love for putting something this heavy out. Next month is AC/DC. What a good time of year for Rock/Metal. I’m just happy that I have something new and killer to listen to while all the other panty wearing faggots listen to the Jonas Brothers. I’ve pulled on my 1976 Gibson Les Paul Custom and started learning some DM riffs. I like making my neighbours unhappy. Sorry dude, Metallica is back, like it or not.
Comment by Say you LOVE SATAN

October 3rd, 2008 3:03 am
Best review I have read on the new Shittallica album…Spot on. BOYCOTT METALLICA!!!
Comment by jimmy

October 29th, 2008 4:38 pm
i have listened to metallica since , i heard them on a cassette tape called metal masacre singing hit the lights and every since then i really fucking liked their songs even became a guitar player long ago due to in some part the inspiration i got from the old metallica tunes like master of puppetts, four horseman,orion,call of katula. but this new shit on this latest cd is fucking disturbing, when i heard they were coming out with a new cd , i figured it would probably be their last. and man this would be a shitty way to end all of them years of bad ass music. i remember when justice came out i was a little leary of the video shit on mtv but fuck that album kicked ass in a more polished way then ever but the wait for the black album was a sure let down (then) but looking back i would have much rather seen another black album then this. lastly when james started acting like a singer and not the rocking front man of metallica all hope was lost for the thought of another heart felt fuck you fuck me metallica album.