Five years since the release of the laughably bad St. Anger, Man Francisco-based Metallica are back with their ninth full length studio effort entitled Death Magnetic. For months the hype surrounding this album has been building with everyone claiming that Death Magnetic is Metallica’s triumphant return to the sound that made them famous in the 80s. I don’t know what drugs these people were doing, but they’d better share because I sure as shit don’t hear anything remotely close to being as entertaining as anything on Kill ‘Em All, Ride The Lightning, Master Of Puppets, …And Justice For All or even the black album.

Before I get into the music, what the fuck is a “Death Magnetic”? That doesn’t even make any fucking sense. A death magnet makes sense, even magnetic death, while stupid, makes a bit more sense, but Death Magnetic? It’s a good thing these douche bags became rock stars because with that third grade education they sure as shit aren’t going to be sending astronauts into space.

Secondly… what the fuck is up with that album cover? I understand what the concept is supposed to be; a magnetic coffin, but it looks more like a magnetic asshole that’s coated in thick man hair and gaped from vigorous man on man anal pounding. The only thing it’s missing is a gerbil’s head sticking out of the coffin.

Onto the music… I’ve heard a lot of people say that this album is Master Of Puppets part two, to which I can’t help but laugh uncontrollably while trying to subdue my urge to grab them by the throat and throw them through a window. I’ve heard even more people claim that Death Magnetic sounds like a continuation of …And Justice For All, a statement that makes me need to grab my wrist firmly and pull my hand towards my wrist so I don’t backhand them in the mouth so hard that I leave a permanent hand print upside their head.

Here’s what Death Magnetic is really like; the songs are fucking long. Really fucking long, 10 tracks in just short of 75 minutes which means there are a ton of redundancies throughout the album, many of the tracks are really over after about two minutes, but they just go on and on and on ad nauseum.

The production of the release brings the band back to their old sound, with a deeper bass tone, clean higher pitched guitar tones, and a drum sound that actually sounds like drums and not some retard banging on pots and pans like the shit on St. Anger.

The song structures are a mix of material from …And Justice Of All, the black album and Load. The material sounds a lot more powerful than it really is due to the meatier production, but the songs themselves are pretty fucking boring, at no point do I find myself ready to tap my toes, let alone thrash like I used to do to the old material back in my teens. The music is just lifeless and dull, almost as if four millionaires entered a recording studio with the sole purpose of trying to record an old school Metallica album only they’re no longer capable of writing anything even remotely entertaining.

The material on Death Magnetic tends to be simplistic thrash rock in nature with the band rehashing old riffs and trying to pass it off as something new. On every song I find myself thinking “Hey, I remember that riff from Load, hey, that follow-up was from Master Of Puppets, hey, why the fuck isn’t there anything new on here? Couldn’t these washed up has beens at least pay someone to write them a decent riff?”

Fans of early Metallica, especially those who’ve grown to appreciate more extreme forms of metal, aren’t going to be impressed by Death Magnetic, unfortunately Metallica didn’t write this album for us, Death Magnetic was written to bring back the fan base they developed with the black album and in that regard, they’ll succeed. There’s no doubt in my mind that this album will sell millions of copies, the band will line their pockets with more obscene amounts of money and they’ll win tons of Grammys, but, lets face it we all know those awards are a farce, any organization that’ll hand Black Eyed Peas an award for anything other than winning a “Piss Your Pants In Public” contest is a fucking sham.

We all know at least one of these wanna-be metalheads who one day are contentedly jacking off to the latest Clay Aikens album and the next are wandering around sporting a Metallica t-shirt because they heard a song of theirs on the radio. There’s no doubt my fall is going to be filled with seeing douche bag retards trying to impress the ladies by sporting old school Metallica shirts they bought at Hot Topic. At every stop light for the rest of the year I’m going to be forced to listen to some ballless fucktard blaring Death Magnetic on his mom’s mini van stereo as he drives off to school. I already have the desire to punch random strangers in the face because I know they’re going to become born again Metallica fans.

Fuck Metallica, fuck anyone who likes any material they’ve recorded in the past 19 years and fuck any retard who claims that Death Magnetic is a resurgence of old school Metallica. You’re a fucking mindless sheep who’ll agree with any ridiculous statement that the band, and Warner Bros Records, publicity reps are willing to spout forth. I just want to take a dump on your chest, and while doing so telling you it’s a spa treatment and will leave you feeling 10 years younger, because you’ll buy into anything you stupid fucks.

To be fair, Death Magnetic is much better than anything Metallica has recorded in the past 17 years, but saying Death Magnetic is better than the black album, Load or St. Anger is the same as being glad that you shit your pants instead of shitting your bed. You’re still covered in shit no matter what you do, which is exactly how my ears feel after listening to this over hyped piece of shit. I need to go grab a toilet brush and scrub my ears clean now.

Review byTeufel