Here’s a list of some of the things you won’t find on Totus Corpus: well-balanced production courtesy of Napalm Records, orchestral synthscapes of vast proportions, glorious harmonies, Sarah Jezeebel Deva, Steinar Sverd, Sigurd Wongraven, Snorre Ruch, Jan Axel Blomberg, Kristoffer Rygg and Phil McCrevice. I promise, none of these are to be found. The cover is not a glossy full-color picture of a large-breasted model showing enough skin to capture the attention of Jimmy, age 12. The band logo is not drawn by Christophe Zpjazjezdjejdzjel and there are no ‘gothic’ or ‘operatic’ vocals. This is a CD-R made in some shady Australian’s basement and you won’t find it at Wal-Mart or K-Mart or whatever other fucking mart you and your stupid fucking mulleted 16-year old delinquent redneck friends loiter at. The only slightly pussified thing to be found on this album is the semi-clear guitar intro to one of the tracks (I don’t know which since the track listing on my copy is fucked and there’s a track missing, so a large friendly FUCK OFF to Samuel Langer for giving me a fucked up copy, metal-friend! I think it’s "Clarity" but I don’t have a clue) but it only lasts for twenty fucking seconds so I don’t really care. Excluding this pink girly intro, you will find nothing but total fucking metal on this record. I don’t give a flying fuck if this is black metal, if it’s death metal or thrash metal or true German power-trio holocaust-denying bus driver metal. This album has a track called "Necro Metal" and that’s what matters, so fuck you too. If I wasn’t an impotent 63-year old parasexual I’d have a raging hard on whilst listening to this thing, ’cause this, you stupid cocksuckers, is what metal is all about. Fuck your slick productions and your color covers, your flashy guitar assholeism and your major label faggotry. Oh yeah, there are some semi-gay spoken bits in "Returning To Earth" (I figured out the title since I am clever) that’s not too cool, but that doesn’t matter the length of my little todger when the riffs that follow have METAL written all over them in red spraypaint recently shoplifted by the band at the Australian equivalent of Wal-Mart. So if any of you fucking dicks still have a clue what the hell extreme metal was once about (which you know you don’t, fuckfaces) you’ll contact Necrotrash Productions and make them sell you an over-priced copy you can listen to and don’t understand a fucking parenthesis of. Fuck you.

Review byAngry Norse