Chances are you’ve heard of The Sword. You’ve probably walked by the skinny kid in girl pants with the rim glasses and Harry Potter scarf at some outdoor coffee location. You’ve probably heard him talking to his ridiculously short-haired, pseudo-intellectual girlfriend about how The Sword is the next thing in metal to look out for, how they’re possibly the best act of 2006, or maybe how they will set out to reinvigorate the classic metal sound in today’s massive scene. God knows I’ve heard these claims, from kids in town to music forums and even to the production blogs of staff members at Fuse. Thus, I have sat down with The Sword‘s debut effort Age of Winters and have listened intently to see if there is any iota of truth in these claims. Through vigorous scientific testing I have come to an amazing conclusion: anyone that says those things about The Sword either has not actually listened to The Sword or they have heard The Sword but have never actually listened to any metal and are lying sacks of shit if they say otherwise.

The Sword is basically a doom band that more or less just does pure Black Sabbath worship. This is the entirety of The Sword‘s worth. They simply rehash Black Sabbath riffs and have a variant on vocals to differentiate themselves from Ozzy-era Sabbath. They’re decent at mimicking the doom chops, but that’s it. Every god damn song more or less sounds the same and runs into each other, and the music is soulless with nothing to give it a distinct feel. Paying $7 to see a Black Sabbath cover band at a local pub or bar will cover the entirety of the listening experience for Age of Winters. There is nothing new here, and everything that is old (i.e. the entire fucking record) has been done before ad nauseam by a plethora of bands over the last several decades and was executed much better by said bands. If you have any Ozzy-era Black Sabbath albums, Saint Vitus records, or even anything remotely tied to Wino then you have absolutely no reason to buy Age of Winters. If you’re looking for something that puts a new spin on an old sound, you should entirely steer clear of The Sword and any moron that recommends them because The Sword simply doesn’t do that.

Like I said, they can decently mimic those Black Sabbath chops, but that’s not enough to make them worthy of any praise. Any old cover band does what The Sword does and I’m willing to bet money that they can do it even better. Next time you see someone discuss metal and you can sense their mouths formulating the words "The Sword" without the appropriate phrase "is a piece of overrated feces-ridden, jizz rag dried afterbirth" punch them and tell them to thank you. You just did them a favor.

Review byNecro-tron