There’s an interesting thing about cover albums and tribute compilations. On one hand, it’s great to see new, skilled bands breathe exciting, revitalizing life into minor classics and possibly improve on bad or flawed songs. On the other hand, the massive flood of cover compilations is ridiculously swamped with sub-par covers, crappy redux songs, and some of the most brainless attempts at "paying tribute" I’ve ever heard in my life. In many cases, the material is stuff that the original artist got down right the first time and any attempt to play off that seems unnecessary.

Apparently Kerrang! won’t hinge their bets on this fact, though, as they have released a cover album of the entirety of Metallica’s Master of Puppets album. Now, I’ll be blunt: I don’t know much about Kerrang!. Never having read the "metal" magazine, the only exposure I’ve had to them is seeing photocopies of their old, tabloid-like covers with the Norwegian black metal murders from the 90’s blazed across the headlines. The only metal magazine I’ve ever read on a regular basis was Brave Words and Bloody Knuckles with the occasional Explicitly Intense here or there. But hell, a metal magazine covering a classic album can’t be that bad, right? Right, guys?

And the choice of Master of Puppets of all albums is a bit bewildering. Think about it: nearly every metal head owns this album. Hell, next to the mediocre Black album and its spawned abortions, nearly every non-metal music listener has this album, too. It’s not like you’re really going to be turning anyone’s attention to it. And Metallica had been covered to Hell, both in the metal world and beyond. If anything, nearly every artist not only has heard the album, but probably has every single fucking note engraved into their skull. It’s so revered and well-known that it really makes the point of revisiting moot: you’re either going to do it justice or fail miserably in the eyes of the fans. While there are a lot of capable Metallica covers out there (I have a thing for Death Angel’s rendition of "Trapped under Ice" and Cannibal Corpse’s attempt at "No Remorse"), the sheer bulk of most covers is fucking horrid. Similarly, the idea to do this particular album in its entirety was already done by Dream Theater; yeah, they’re not brutal or extreme, but aside from the vocals if anyone is going to pull off covering Master of Puppets appropriately it will be them. It really doesn’t seem needed.

Regardless, Kerrang! went ahead and commissioned this album. First up, there is Machine Head covering "Battery". As I said in my Roadrunner United review, Rob Flynn knows his shit from being in Vio-lence, but his discography with Machine Head has been pretty fucking horrid. Additionally, he brought nothing good to the table on Roadrunner’s retrospective. And after his recent tirade where he triumphantly proclaims that Machine Head is the only act capable of making the greatest metal album and then calls the death of all "scenesters," conveniently forgetting that he masterminded Supercharger, I think the man is down right certifiable. Luckily, Machine Head doesn’t entirely fuck up here. The vocals come across forced as all hell, but the production is decent enough and they’re not pulling any fruity shit out of nowhere. Unfortunately, in comparison to Ensiferum’s awesome "Battery" cover, the cover simply comes off as unneeded and soulless. However, things are looking up so far; it at least sounded like "Battery". Next is Trivium handling the infamous title track. Trivium is possibly one of the biggest mixed bags in all of the industry. On one hand, they’re undoubtedly skilled musicians and though they’re unoriginal one can spot great influences (such as Carcass) in their music. Also, Matt Heafy does double duty as the vocalist for Capharnaum, one of the better technical death metal acts running today. On the other hand, for every well executed riff or segue, there’s a fucking legion of shit-tastic metalcore clichés fucking up the music left and right. Listening to Trivium’s music is like watching a retard run a competitive school event: you desperately want to watch him succeed on his own and you cheer him on as much as you can, but the mongoloid fuckhead keeps tripping over his special shoes, tumbling down a hill, exposing himself to little children at the bottom of said hill, and shitting his pants when he sees them crying. Naturally, one does not have high hopes going into this cover. However, surprise surprise, Trivium does decently well. It sounds tight, well performed, and while Heafy’s vocals are considerably weaker than I would want, unlike the previous cover they still work. And to top it off: no metalcore clichés! Not bad at all.

So far it’s not sounding too horrible. Guess what? It’s all down hill from here: hold on to your asses kiddies, we’re going into the Forbidden Zone!

Mendeed handles "The Thing that Should Not Be". Who are Mendeed? I do not know and after this I don’t want to know. If you’re a Mendeed fan, I’m amazed you haven’t killed yourself yet because listening to Mendeed even pick up a guitar is enough to make anyone think that their kitchen oven is an excellent way to dry their hair after a shower. While musically it sounds like a cover of some basic collection of Metallica riffs, the out of tune, really crappy vocals eclipse anything going on in the music. Apparently even though Barney from the Simpsons got a bad head cold and was losing his voice, Mendeed felt it absolutely necessary to hire him as their vocalist. And oh boy, is this ever shitty. I almost wish bodily harm upon all of Metallica simply for the fact they provided these asses with material. Oh Christ, kill me now.

Next is "Welcome Home (Sanitarium)" covered by Bullet for My Valentine. Again, I have never heard of these assholes and I don’t ever want to. Luckily, these guys aren’t rejected strategies for Hitler’s Final Solution like Mendeed but oh boy does this cover suck major ass. The band manages to hit their correct marks, but the production is a bit off and it more or less sounds like every other asshole you hear in a guitar shop strumming away at the sweet Fender that they never buy because they are cocks that only come in there to look "cool." You know the kind: they go through the motions just so they can try to get laid with the 16 year-old Nirvana fan in the mall. Vocally, the lead singer sounds like a prepubescent child… which is on top of the fact it sounds like the producer threw nearly every effect in the book on the vocals to make them sound somewhat masculine. The vocalist also attempts a growl somewhere, but he merely sounds like a Chihuahua. Throw this cover down the drain.

Chimaira handles "Disposable Heroes". Again, the band is hitting all the right notes, but there’s no particular tightness to it. The solo is decently performed, but sounds a bit off. The main problem here lies in Mark Hunter’s vocals… or more appropriately the trach box he calls his vocals. See Mark Hunter is really dying of cancer. Oh he’ll say otherwise, because he’s a lying cunt, but we know the truth. Why haven’t these assholes fired him yet? "Back to the front?" If only, Mark Hunter, if only.

Ever wonder what would happen if Nickelback and John Bush-era Anthrax had an illegitimate love child? Well, it would be Fightstar. I could go into a verbose rant about exactly how bad it is, but the mere phrase "like the illegitimate love child of Nickelback and John Bush-era Anthrax covering "Leper Messiah" poorly" is a hell of a lot more concise and is just as accurate.

Mastodon comes in to handle the instrumental duty of "Orion". While admittedly they are one of the most overrated acts running the rounds today, I actually like a few Mastodon songs and I find them to be a bunch of capable musicians. Unfortunately, their presence on this tribute disappoints me in several ways. First is the choice of song. While I’m sure they could appropriately handle "Orion" their vocals are a FUCKTON more capable than any other vocalist on this album. While Matt Heafy’s vocals worked on the title song, Mastodon would have done a much better job. I’d rather have Trivium handle this instrumental and see Mastodon work on the title track, simply on their superior general ability. The second disappointment is in the production. This cover has the worst production of all the songs on here. It’s so low and murky I can barely hear shit of the song. What I can hear sounds good, but good doesn’t mean much when I literally have to cup my ears and move next to my speakers to hear anything. I can’t help but wonder if this was intentional so the other acts won’t be overshadowed by the fact that they entirely fucking suck and belong no where near a studio. Supposedly there’s a better mix floating around the internet, but fuck I’m not reviewing that am I? I’m reviewing this. Ugh.

The tribute ends with Funeral for a Friend closing on "Damage, Inc." I have seen these guys catered around by Hot Topic regulars before, but I’ve never actually heard them. Apparently, they’re almost as bad as Mendeed. They know the material well enough, which is better than can be said of Mendeed, but Holy Hell what the fuck is wrong with their front man? Now, if anyone has read my past reviews I have a tendency to use hyperbole. I commonly refer to a set of vocals sounding like someone is "gobbling cock." While I use this to convey a sense of how bad something is, it doesn’t mean that I’m literally saying it sounds like they’re gobbling cock. Now this, on the other hand, is a different story. Their vocalist is indeed gobbling cock. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. There is a large, wet, erect phallus that is being accepted into his throat sans gag reflex. It quite possibly may have a tattoo with a heart and arrow that says "Mom" on it as well. But rest assured there is a cock in this guy’s mouth. There is no denying it. If you like Funeral for a Friend, I think it’s time you got out your sailor outfit and hit the local gay bar.

So what have we learned from this exercise? FUCK KERRANG! Fuck all the asses that pay money for this, and fuck the chucklefucks that think this is a worthy tribute to Master of Puppets. If anyone from Kerrang! reads this, stay the fuck away from Carcass, Iron Maiden, or Death you god damn filthy excuses for human beings.

Written By: Necro-tron