Little history lesson for those just tuning in: back in the 80’s and early part of the 90’s, Roadrunner Records was actually a decent label for thrash and death metal. They had Sadus, Immolation, Gorguts, Sepultura, Suffocation, Cynic, Pestilence, Believer, and a bunch of other lesser acts that made them a hot commodity in the metal world. Not to mention at the time, Deicide wasn’t entirely sucking and a little upstart known as Fear Factory was putting out two pretty decent records (Soul of a New Machine and then the more recognizable Demanufacture right as the shit hit the fan). And in the mid-90’s the shit did indeed hit the fan. By ‘95, Roadrunner had successfully cleaned house of almost its entire label to welcome in the nu metal movement. The label had plunged itself into a veritable dark age that even now is haunting its every move.

Now we are coming on the 25th anniversary of the label, and the blokes over at Roadrunner decided to do something special to celebrate. Thus we see the birth of Roadrunner United, Roadrunner Records’ thinly veiled attempt to rip-off Dave Grohl’s surprisingly decent Probot. Basically, Roadrunner hired 4 "team captains" to lead, write, produce, and assemble all the songs and their line-ups. Each song has its own line-up and vocalist and all the songs represent different eras and artist influences throughout the Roadrunner catalogue, much akin to Grohl’s Probot where every song is specifically written to the style and genre of the 80’s era metal vocalist that is providing his throat. Well, considering the bands that have supplied Roadrunner with its income over the years, this is the most ominous sign: on one hand, these guys released Effigy of the Forgotten and Symbolic, and on the other hand this label also brought the world Slipknot and Murderdolls. But hey, if Dave Grohl could actually write some decent songs in the vein of Mercyful Fate, Voivod, Cathedral, and Saint Vitus, maybe Roadrunner will assemble a good line-up and have similar chance at creating the death metal equivalent of Probot?

Ever see that video on the internet of a girl ramming a dildo down a man’s penis, splitting it open as it slices through his member, and hearing that inhuman shrill the guy releases as she pounds away faster? That is infinitely more enjoyable than Roadrunner United.

Before we explore this epic saga of erectile mutilation and mongoloid sex, let’s look at the team captains we can blame for this tragedy of metal. First up is Rob Flynn of Machine Head and Vio-lence. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the best captain of them all; it’s all downhill from here. On one hand, Flynn is responsible for Vio-lence, which was a pretty decent thrash act. On the other hand, there’s Machine Head: The Burning Red and Supercharger are practically crimes against humanity. The only decent thing his presence might show on this entire record is that, optimistically, he might actually know what he’s doing on songs that represent the older thrash acts. Outside of that, you’re fucked.

Next up is Dino Cazares, formerly of Fear Factory. Well, Dino had a hand in those classic Fear Factory albums… then again, he also was involved in Digimortal. And to make matters worse, though it was hardly a return to form, Archetype proved that he really wasn’t the necessary element behind Fear Factory’s better material. So his inclusion is more or less worthless.

Then there is Matthew K. Heafy, frontman to both Trivium and Capharnaum. Yeah, that’s right: one of the guys responsible for an entire 4th of the material on this album that is supposed to be representative of Roadrunner’s history has only been a part of the label for barely two years, having just released a debut for the label. Why? Well, the best guess I can figure is the fact that Trivium’s shitty, ultra-cliché metalcore ridiculously copies a bunch of other better bands (go listen to "Pull Harder on the String of Your Martyr", I swear there’s a considerable amount of "Corporal Jigsore Quandary" in there) makes Roadrunner think he’ll know his stuff in emulating the older material. On the bright side, maybe his involvement in the infinitely superior Capharnaum has rubbed off on his own music writing?

Finally, we have Joey Jordison of Slipknot and the Murderdolls. Yes, the masked, dwarf reject from Anal Blast has been given full leadership over a considerable portion of the material. Now, I’ve heard Slipknot’s material, I’ve heard Murderdolls‘ material, and I’ve heard Jordison’s guest writing on Necrophagia’s "Stitch Her Further" and I can safely say, without a doubt, Joey Jordison has never written a good song in his life. Never. Not one. Not even half of one. I’m not even going to raise anyone’s hopes: there’s a good chance every song he will write on this album will suck. So for those of you crossing your fingers for at least some good songs can already write off a full fourth of the album; you’ll be better off giving Chris Barnes a beer enema and rimming out his brown, flooding Nile anal river like an obese family at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

Now that we covered our bases, let’s get into the material. First up is "The Dagger"; we have Howard Jones of Killswitch Engage on lead vocals, Rob Flynn on rhythm guitar, Jordan Whelan of Still Remains on rhythm as well, Jeff Waters of Annihilator handling the solo, Christian from Fear Factory on bass, and former Chimaira skinsman Andols Herrick on drums. Though Waters delivers a decent solo, the song ends up being merely a crappy, generic metalcore song. Jones can’t even growl for shit and the mid-section of the song- both before and after the solo- just delves into standard KSE rancid metalcore bowel movement with their emotive melodic, clean-vocal chorus. First track in and already the material is worthless.

Then we get to "The Enemy". Chimaira’s Mark Hunter heads up the vocals, Dino wrote the song and is on rhythm guitar, Andreas Kisser of Sepultura and Nailbomb handles the solo, and… fuck it. I’m not even going to mention drums and bass. It’s an ex-Soulfly dude and a fucker from Slipknot. From here on in, I’ll just mention the more name worthy and how bad they fuck up. As to be expected from something with Mark Hunter on it, this sounds like a crappy Chimaira song. I hear a bunch of asstards go gaga over their new self-titled, but after hearing their previous two albums I find any chance of it having good songs highly unlikely. Chimaira sounds like a horrible Fear Factory wannabe and this song’s emulation of that sound (oh the irony) only further shows how utterly vile that sound is. Unfortunately, Kisser’s presence on the song has no redeeming value as he puts out a forgettable solo.

Now we have "Annihilation by the Hands of God". Hmmm, a title that retardedly Satanic can only mean one thing: Glenn "Strawberry Cupcake" Benton! And my oh my, is it ever bad. Despite the presence of James Murphy, Rob Barrett, and Steve DiGiorgio, this song is the musical equivalent of seeing a 3 foot midget with no pants and equally missing bowel control rhythmically strut his stuff across a newly cleaned carpet in a constant squatting stance, while releasing a constant stream of green, putrid fluid for all the world to see. Seriously, there’s a riff in here where I can actually see him gyrate his posterior, spraying the entire environment behind him with a fresh, half-liquid half-solid, lime pant. Murphy and Co. try their best to redeem the song at the solo, but Jordison’s song writing leaves the entire song sounding worse than the most laughable Deicide song. Seriously, hearing "Bible Basher" is better than this song.

"In the Fire" ends up being one of the few remotely decent songs on the album, and even then it fucks up. This is the King Diamond track. Musically, the track is actually really good: Heafy actually demonstrates that he can write decent material and his lead guitar work is actually pretty damn good. Now, chances are if you’re like 90% of Teufel’s Tomb’s readers, you probably will hate this track for the simple fact that it’s King Diamond. So just write this track off as shit and go on to the next paragraph. If you’re that rare 10% read this disclaimer: Diamond fucks up. His falsetto is nowhere near par for his usual ultra-cheesy performance. At first one thinks, "Hey, he’s pretty old. Maybe it’s age." Nope, he had no problem sailing the seas of cheese on Probot. I can’t tell if it’s a production job or just a badly delivered performance, but there’s something holding him back and it just sounds wrong. Still, this is one of the few highlights you’ll get on the entire album. With the possible exception of two songs, prepare for unbridled shit for the rest of the album.

Heafy ends up doing double time on "The End", stepping down from team captain and writing to take over lead vocals. Unfortunately, any hope that the song will follow the format of the last few tracks (i.e. music emulates style of the vocalist’s own band) is shot to hell: Dino decided to write us some straight out of the mall nu metal rather than the derivative metalcore or progressive technical death metal associated with Heafy’s vocals. It had to happen eventually right? Still, even Heafy’s Trivium work is better than this juvenile crap. Dino has the perfect chance to show off Heafy’s frontman abilities and what does the fucker do? He writes a good damn Stone Sour-esque fucking mallcore song. Why did Heafy agree to this? He fucking knows better!

"Tired ‘N Lonely" is more radio rock bullshit. This is yet another Jordison track, headed up with other chucklefucks from Slipknot and Murderdolls and Keith Caputo of Life of Agony. I don’t need to elaborate on how much being shoved into an oven after being asphyxiated by Zyklon-B is infinitely better than this. Fucking horrible.

Max Cavalera’s appearance on "Independence" is a slight breather. Rob Flynn showed he’s actually worth something here and put out a lesser quality thrash song. Hardly even on the same level as Arise-era Sepultura (much less the albums that predate it), the song at least has some decent thrash chops and an enjoyable solo delivered by Annihilator’s Waters yet again. The song then ends on some Bay Area-styled harmonies that remind me of the good old days of …And Justice for All-era Metallica. Hardly an exemplary song when put against the heritage it strives to emulate, but at least somewhat enjoyable, more so given the fact this rest of this album is utter shit.

Heafy isn’t the only guy to appear on this album with absolutely no label tenure: "Dawn of the Golden Age" sees Dani Filth take over vocals. What the fuck? Cradle of Filth, like Trivium, has only one fucking album to the label and it was this past year! He doesn’t even belong on here. To make matters worse, Heafy unfortunately commits a cardinal sin (apart from the fact he let Dani Filth even get near the microphone): he makes the entire song nothing but one straight pseudo-black blast fest much in the vein of Cradle of Filth. Why is this a cardinal sin, more so than usual? You have Sean Malone on bass and Mike Smith on drums. The bassist to Cynic and the drummer to Suffocation are accompanying Heafy’s guitars, and he decides to do a crappy Cradle of Filth-styled song? What the fuck is wrong with him? This is where you pull out all stops and write an utterly intense, inhumanly complex, unnaturally technical onslaught of unholy technical brutal death metal, not a bombastic sing-along for pasty fat asses in Hot Topic spandex, 90 pound prison meat in S&M gear, and improperly douched 14 year-old girls with maggots festering in their shit-encrusted anuses. I hate you, Matthew K. Heafy.

Well, so far Flynn hasn’t ripped out his ultra horrible nu metal schlock yet… OH WAIT. Here it is: "The Rich Man". Imagine you took Fear Factory type background-ambience (think "Securitron"), mixed it with Corey Taylor’s constantly-whining-about-living-in-Iowa vocals, compounded it with any slow Korn song that has Jonathan Davis crying, and topped it off with a lovely picture of John Cleese jizzing all over Peter Jennings’ rotting face. Got that picture in your head? Good. Now somehow throw in a half-assed political message about the war in Iraq. Look, I don’t care if you’re against the war, for the war, or for throwing a fucking tea party inside a military issue Humvee while wearing a frilly dress and stroking yourself in front of a six year-old, but it’s undeniable that a man who tried to fucking sue Burger King’s Coq Roq probably has nothing to contribute about international politics.

Think you’ve hit the epoch of shit with the Corey Taylor song? Nope! Now you got "No Way Out", with vocals by the frontman of Glassjaw. Who the fuck is Glassjaw? I have no god damn idea, but during high school I knew a girl that went nuts over them, almost to the point in which her jeans would become soiled with vaginal juices. She was also fat, ugly, and loved local bands Bum Ruckus and New Found Glory. Needless to say Glassjaw probably fucking sucked. Well, this song is yet another Jordison-led song. Whop-dee-fucking-doo, it makes a bathtub full of warm, festering, elephant feces seem like a reasonable method for sanitation. Imagine you took a mongoloid My Chemical Romance and whatever emo/synths-using radio rock/80’s retro crap band teenage girls finger themselves to and mixed them with vocals delivered by a slurring, drunken Barney the Dinosaur that’s being anally pleasured by Lemmy Winks the fucking Hamster Prince. I think I need a drink.

No Roadrunner retrospective would be complete without Dez Fafara of Coal Chamber and Devildriver sawing off his own testicles and screeching into a microphone in some half assed attempt at brutality. Dino handles this quite aptly on "Baptized in the Redemption" proving once again that Dez has no God damn idea what the fuck he’s doing. This song is more in the vein of Devildriver than Coal Chamber, but given that’s like comparing having lemon-soaked needles stuck through you eye lids as opposed to your balls, it’s not really much of a consolation. Kisser is present again on the solo and really comes off as unneeded. Remarkably, this is more tolerable than the last two songs, but rest assured- the days of Dez being better than something else only happen at specific times where all the planets perfectly align. I doubt it will come again.

The worst part about this compilation is also the best part. Have you ever wanted to see an Opeth fan boy utterly break down and cry? Play "Roads" for them. This song is the third case of "What the fuck is this guy doing on here" with Mikael Akerfeldt supplying vocals. Yepper, apparently Opeth’s only Roadrunner release- which just came out just several fucking weeks ago- perfectly qualifies Akerfeldt to be a representation of Roadrunner’s discography. Another anomaly with the song is the lack of a team captain- Flynn, Heafy, Jordison, and Dino have nothing to do with this song. It’s a collaboration between Joe Silver of Type-O-Negative and Akerfeldt. Well, that can’t be that bad, right? Some of Opeth’s earlier material is actually worth a listen or two and can get pretty brutal and intense. Well guess what? This isn’t Opeth’s older stuff. This isn’t Opeth’s newer stuff. This isn’t even like the soft 70’s acoustic prog rock worship of Damnation. It’s fucking soft, melodic keyboard wankery in the vein of something more akin to Crash Test Dummies. This isn’t metal; this isn’t even hard rock. At least Pain of Salvation still stayed within the realms of prog metal when they went off on their acoustic kick on 12:5; fuck, I don’t think Roadrunner even has a song like this in their entire catalogue to require Akerfeldt and Silver to compose something like this. Why is this song even on here? Well, at least there is something good quality to this utter shitfest: Opeth fans will cry, and they will cry hard. That’s always a good thing.

"Blood & Flames" is more metalcore bullshit, this time fronted by Killswitch Engage’s ex-vocalist Jesse David Leach. Yippee, twice the Killswitch Engage action. Dear Christ, Trivium may suck, but they’re better than fucking Killswitch Engage; why the obsession with the Killswitch Engage brand of metalcore? You know what sounds good at this point? Giving oneself a hard-on and sticking one’s dick in an electric pencil sharpener. It can’t be any worse than this. What’s even funnier is Heafy wrote this; he can write better (but still not good) metalcore and now he actively refuses to. Fuck this shit.

Amazingly, Joey Jordison somehow miraculously manages to write a song that doesn’t suck utter ass. "Constitution Down" brings together a triumvirate of pretty damn good guitarists (Murphy, Andy La Rocque, and Barret with DiGiorgio providing the bass) and Exhorder vocalist Kyle Thomas. The song plays out like an Exhorder number, emulating that early groove thrash with a damn good degree of exactness and some decent shredding in the solos. Jordison actually isn’t too bad on drums here either, but he’s still nowhere near deserving of the reputation the moronic Slipknot fans have given his drumming.

Now given that The Misfits had a short stint on Roadrunner, you knew they were going to bring up some form of punk song, and that’s where "I Don’t Wanna Be (a Superhero)" comes in. Heafy takes lead again, and this time brings on Michale Graves, the conservative punk rocker that at one time fronted The Misfits. Interestingly though, Heafy doesn’t write a song in the style of late 90’s The Misfits- the song performs more like a happier Bad Religion song than a song by The Misfits. As much as I dislike most bashful punk ballads, it’s a fuck load more tolerable than half the crap on here. You know your album has failed as a metal retrospective when the single poppy punk song ends up being better than the majority of your material.

"Army of the Sun" sounds like the fucking Deftones. Now, I never have heard vocalist Tim Williams’ previous work with Vision of Disorder, but if this song is reminiscent of their musical style (like some of the other tracks are of their vocalist) then Vision of Disorder arguably had to be one of the worst bands of all time. Come on Williams, whine like Chino of Deftones. Whine some more. I can’t hear you. Whine, motherfucker, whine. Throw something in about shit changing, too. At this point I doubt you can get any lower on the album. I sincerely doubt it.

And right as I call that it can’t get any worse, I get "No Mas Control". More nu metal! God fucking dammit. Christian Machado from Ill Nino provides the vocals here and- surprise, surprise- it sounds like an Ill Nino song. You can blame Dino for this again. See, I told you he was fucking worthless. Oh, there’s an absolutely forgettable solo in here by Kisser. Every song Kisser’s been on in this project has been half-assed. It’s almost as bad as having Kirk Hammett on St. Anger; what’s the fucking point if he doesn’t do shit (or in Kisser’s case nothing memorable)?

The album finally ends with the droning vocals of Peter Steele of Type-O-Negative on "Enemy of the State". Imagine you took the deep vocals of Steele and had him bellow while grating his balls on a cheese grater and being fucked up the ass by a small, masked, gay Mexican wrestler named Senor Juan Guadalupe Pincho Lopez del Noche III. Now combine that with the soundtrack to a rejected combat sequence from the movie Predator where instead of blowing up the enemy hide-out, Dutch and his team have an epic homosexual muscle-building dance-off competition. Can you envision it? Good, you just experienced "Enemy of the State". Kill me, kill me now.

So what have we learned from this horrible experience? We learned that Roadrunner United is one of the worst projects in the history of music itself. The sounds of wolverines cock-gobbling the Three Tenors combined with the yelps of a maternity ward full of laboring mothers with Tourette’s Syndrome is probably infinitely more satisfying than listening to a minute of The All-Star Sessions. If you honestly need some compilation of a bunch of artists revisiting an era of metal history, got pick up Probot or better yet a bunch of old school metal albums. Fuck Roadrunner United. I’m going to hunt down that genital mutilation video; it’s infinitely more fulfilling than this. Only hearing that man’s screams will purify my brain of this horrid piece of plastic.

Written By: Necro-tron