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Nearly every band and record label who sends me promotional material to review include a long winded press release containing bullshit of epic proportions to make their bands sound more impressive and popular than they really are.  They’ll make outrageous claims such as “This band sounds like Nasum fused with Cannibal Corpse and Slayer.” despite the fact the band actually sounds like Rob Halford being sodomized by King Diamond who’s getting a reach around from Yngwie Malmsteen.  The thing that’s even funnier than this are the “zines” who “review” these albums making the exact same claims as whoever wrote the press release.  “The riffing is very Slayer-esque, with Nasum attitude with deep Cannibal Corpse snarls.” despite the fact the riffing is fruitier than Dragonforce with the attitude of a wet fart and the shrieks of a chihuahua.

I rarely ever read press releases for the simple reason that the person writing them is always full of shit.  I don’t care what you think your band “sounds” like, that’s up to the reviewer to decide, just give me the basics; who is in the band, how long have you been playing, what bands have your members been in?

Every single press release I’ve received from an unsigned/demo band in the past 15 years contains the following selling point: “Our band has opened for such legendary acts such as…”  Really?  Why should I, or anyone else, give a flying fuck who your band opened for?  Oh wow, your band was on stage when the doors opened so you were able to play in front of 8 people, before the actual crowd showed up to see the headliners?  Who the fuck cares?  I especially enjoy the pride they take in announcing that they “opened” for a “big band” like they just won a gold medal the Special Olympics.  “We played before Slayer!”  Did anyone actually remember your band after Slayer played?  “Well, no, but…”  Yeah, shut up, you fucking dolt!

What does this rant about press releases have to do with Without Mercy, you ask?  The press release given to me by this Vancouver-based death thrashcore act is, by far, the biggest pile of shit I have ever read in my 15 years of covering metal.  These are actual excerpts from the press release so you can follow along and join me in my endless laughter at their expense:

Vancouver based, female fronted Without Mercy have certainly stayed true to their name.  Ruthless and menacing, these Canadian metal titans (ti-tan.  Function: noun.  Definition: Any of a family of giants in Greek mythology born of Uranus and Gaea and ruling the earth until overthrown by the Olympian gods.  Well… there are a couple of fatties in the band and they’re definitely from Uranus and totally Gaea…) have cultivated a death/thrash sound that combines a respect and dedication for both genres. (I’m assuming this requires a lot of manure to cultivate a sound that combines a respect and dedication for death and thrash.)  Their progressive hybrid has earned them an ever-growing fan base in Canada. (I live in Vancouver and have never heard of these guys before now.  I guess having one fan is “ever-growing.”)  Coupled with a notorious reputation for throwing down an unyielding live show, (How can you have a reputation if I, who fucking live here, have never even heard of your fucking band?  I have a reputation for masturbating while juggling my balls with my free hand.  Just take my word for it…) this up and coming four-piece have proved that hardcore attitude can only equal hardcore results. (hahahaha… are you fucking serious?  You actually wrote that?  hahahaha… wow…)

Following their 2007 EP All Else Fails, Without Mercy have just released their self-titled full-length debut.  Recorded, mixed and mastered at Vancouver’s legendary Factory Studios (Marilyn Manson, Bad Company, Billy Talent, Holly McNarland, Yuca, Barney Bentall, and Zubot & Dawson all recorded there.  Clearly they are on the cutting edge with that group of hit artists!  That’s so much more impressive than the other Vancouver studio, Armoury Studios who’ve only been graced by the likes of AC/DC, Chicago, The Cult, Fear Factory, Joe Satriani, KISS, Motley Crue, Nickelback, Strapping Young Lad and Van Halen.  Sure, Armoury may have had all of those huge big hit bands record at their studio, but they didn’t have Zubot & Dawson!  Stick that in your pipes and smoke it, motherfuckers!  Zubot & Dawson are kvlt!) this release is the next evolution for WOM. (Without is one word.  Why the fuck would you call your band WOM?  This is Teufel’s Tomb, should I shorten it to TST because there’s an apostrophe S?  How is this release the “next evolution?”  What did you evolve from before?  Ameoba?)  “As the culmination of over a year of writing, preparing and planning, we feel that this album represents Without Mercy in its truest form” states guitarist DJ Temple. (What else would your music represent?  The meaning of life?  The Coca-Cola recipe?  Bloods vs Crips?  On a side note, anyone who goes by the name DJ, even if their name is Darren James, is a fucking douchebag.  You may as well just call yourself DJ Polesmoker.)  “This is the first time we’ve really been able to articulate musically and lyrically the ideas we’ve been developing since the band’s inception” adds vocalist Alxs Ness. (Alxs?  Were your parents dyslexic?  Clearly they weren’t capable of articulating your first name, so why should I believe you’re able to articulate your musical and lyrical ideas?)

Besides a strong work ethic and epic sound, (What does a strong work ethic have to do with anything?  Are you applying for a position with my company?  Can you scrub toilets?  What “epic sound” are you speaking of?  Epic implies something beyond the usual or ordinary.  Playing generic slam riffs stolen from other, much more successful bands, isn’t epic, it’s just fucking lazy.)  WOM has some behind the scenes experience with vocalist Alxs’ gig as journalist for Abort Magazine and Absolute Underground. (What the fuck does “behind the scenes” experience have to do with your fucking band’s music?  At all?  You’re a “journalist” because you write for a metal zine?  hahahaha… dude, I’ve run a metal site for 15 years and even I’m not so completely full of shit to consider myself a “journalist.”  Half the time I’m so wasted writing articles on this site I have to close one eye just to see straight.)  She has interviewed some of the biggest names in metal such as Cannibal Corpse, Testament and Arch Enemy to name a few; giving WOM an advantage in understanding the inner sanctum of a grueling and merciless business. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  Are you fucking retarded?  Why would you even put that in your band’s biography?  You couldn’t find bullshit more pointless to fill up space?  You should have just put in that day’s grocery list instead as I feel it would be more relevant to learning about your band than listing a few bands you’ve interviewed.  I know tons of guys in bands, but that doesn’t mean I have “an advantage in understanding the inner sanctum of a grueling and merciless business” it just means I hang out with losers in bands.)

WOM has already shared the stage (Oh shit, here we go…) with Norwegian Black Metal legends Satyricon, Taiwan’s Chthonic and Canadian favorites, Nuclear Blast recording artists Divinity. (I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Who fucking cares who you opened for?  When you headline a show featuring any of those bands, then it’s worth mentioning, until then, you’re just the local guys getting paid sweet fuck all by a promoter who just needs some extra bodies to fill up time while the touring bands grab a bite to eat before they’re ready to hit the stage.)  Expect to hear a lot more from the band in the very near future as they make some key appearances and prepare for a Canada-wide tour. (Before then I’m sure I’ll see you at McDonald’s taking my order.  I want a double cheeseburger, with bacon, a large coke and large fries.  Try not to get any hair in it.)

To top it off they included some press notes and this is where it goes from good, to fucking epic: “One of the best up and coming Thrash bands!” – Asylum Radio, WCNI.  Not familiar with this radio program?  WCNI is Connecticut College Community Radio (non-profit) and Asylum Radio is their metal show they do at 2am on a Sunday.  Why not just write “My mom thinks we’re cool.”?  More people probably listen to your mom than people who listen to Asylum Radio at 2am on a Sunday, any sane person is too busy jerking off or sleeping at that hour.

“Music to hurt each other by never sounded so good!” – Grimm Culhane, Abort Magazine.  You’re using a quote from the magazine you write for in your own press release?  hahahaha… what the fuck is wrong with you?  Did your mom drop you down the stairs when you were a baby?   Is there some kind of crippling brain damage we should know about, because you’re clearly not even using enough of your brain to be considered a halfhead by including shit like this.

“Saving Canadian Metal!” – Abbotsford Times.  Abbotsford Times circulation: 39,980.  Of those 39,980 people reading the local paper, how many do you think actually bother to read the local music report?  2,000?  Of those 2,000, how many do you think actually listen to metal?  300?  Of those 300, how many actually listen to thrashing deathcore?  3?  At least remain relevant to the audience you’re directing your press release towards.  Getting your name in the local paper is nothing… I got my name in the local paper for bowling 100 pins over my average when I was 12.  I got my picture in there two, and a free 2L of Pepsi!  Oh fuck, I need to add an achievements section to this website and include that.  “A one-time recipient of a free bottle of Pepsi.”  I’m a fucking star!

If this band was actually decent, I could overlook all of the incredibly dumb shit they’ve included in their press releases, but their music is so simplistically generic it’s laughable.  They put no effort into writing original music.  The entire eight tracks of this release are simply segments copy-pasted from  extremely well known bands’ songs as their own, from System Of A Down to Dying Fetus to Cannibal Corpse to Pantera and even Korn.  It’s one thing to write an album inspired by the music of other bands, but to blatantly rip off some very well known riffs and try to pass it off as your own is incredibly lame and you’ve got to be a fucking moron if you think no one is going to notice and call you on it.

To best exemplify the band’s blatant bullshit, here’s an excerpt of the review from their self titled album from Abort Magazine… yes, the same magazine Lady Dyslexia writes for, please note how deep the reviewer’s nose is jammed up her asshole; “Lead by a remarkable female vocalist, Alxs, they are on a non-stop train to metal acknowledgment.” (hahahahahaha… what the fuck does that even mean?)  “Without Mercy is soaked in influences and is built in the best metallic tradition of the past two decades, absorbing everything you love from Pantera to Lamb of God.” (If Pantera and Lamb of God are the best the metal scene have had to offer in the past two decades, I fucking quit.  hahahaha… Jesus Christ…)

They gave me written permission to post a sample for all of you to hear.  It’s definitely soaked in something, but I’m pretty sure “the best in metallic tradition in the past two decades” doesn’t smell like shit and be covered in white sticky stuff.  On a side note, it’s very obvious Alxs, the singer, is a chick.  She has the raspy grunts of my girlfriend trying to dislodge a massive turd from her bowels after eating too much cheese.  It’s cute, but not very intimidating.  I’m not picking on the band because the singer is a girl, there are actually a lot of really good extreme metal bands with female members, this just clearly is not one of them.  Check out Estuary or Fuck The Facts if you want to listen to some female fronted extreme metal that’ll grab you by the throat and skull fuck you!

I could go on, but I’ve said more than enough and I’ll let their music speak for itself.  Thank you for the laughs, now kindly smash your instruments and toss the destroyed remains into the fireplace and set them ablaze so they can do no further harm.  To be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if a major label signed these guys, they actually are that generic and do suck that fucking bad.

Review byTeufel