An unexpected big fat wet fart rippling through someone’s butt cheeks in a public place makes me laugh hard. Watching someone do something incredibly stupid and getting hurt in the process will get me laughing so hard I have trouble breathing. Watching a man run down the street wearing nothing but an athletic support after eating a box of laxatives to see if he can shit while running leaves me on the floor with tears streaming down my cheeks, unable to breathe and on the verge of losing control of my bodily functions. The group photo for Portuguese black metallers Zymosis is definitely somewhere in that league. The photo consists of all six members of the band wearing corpse paint, which in itself isn’t that funny, but when it’s "corpse paint" you’d find in a 14 year old goth girl’s locker, worn by high school-aged guys with what can only be described as the six most recent haircuts of Justin Timberlake, with a fat kid with a leather choker and black fingernails front and center doing a pose that would make even the members of In Extremo cough "Homo." under their breaths, it’s fucking hilarious. The kid on the left looks like the son on Arrested Development trying to look evil, the next kid’s make-up is just two fat streaks of black going from his eyes down his cheeks, but he’s chubby so he really just looks like a fat Kabuki, then there’s the fat kid who has the approximate evilness of peach fuzz, followed by a kid who looks like he spent hours practicing his evil face in front of the mirror but looks about as threatening as a Queer Eye guy, followed by a kid who I swear is the spitting image of flamboyant musician George Michael, and some skinny kid who’s choker is too big for his neck and looks like he’s distracted by thoughts of the George Michael kid naked in a tub filled with tapioca pudding. I probably spent a good hour laughing at the picture when I first opened it up, and I was sober at the time. These fucking kids kill me. Look, if you want to try to look badass and evil, wait until you reach puberty, and then don’t use Cradle Of Filth as your primary influence of heterosexual-wear. I mean, if you’re 6′4" 250lbs of beer gutted ugly fury and wear corpse paint that makes you look like a demented orc, then you may look badass. If you’re 16 and your wardrobe is supplied by your 11 year old sister, then chances are you won’t be getting many chicks, then again, dressing like that, I think it’s safe to say girls aren’t who you’re out to impress anyway. So, needless to say, this review has really gotten off on the wrong foot. To make this worse, and yes, it does get worse, the band’s 5-track demo was recorded in a garage, well, actually, the bio sheet they sent says it was recorded on a garage, but I think by garage they meant outhouse, at least that’s the only excuse I could think of to explain why this sounds like such a steaming pile of shit. Actually, I think I’d have preferred it if they all just took a shit in a bag, set it on fire, rang my doorbell and left it burning on my doorstep. The music itself is symphonic black metal in the vein of Cradle Of Filth and other evil kvlt black metal bands who wear nail polish and look like they’re about to hit the local man-bar to look for new daddies for the evening. The entire time the singer sounds like he’s being fucked in the ass and choking on dick, and the keyboardist seems to be composing music for the next Adventures Of Captain Felch film, and who the fuck knows what the rest of the band is doing, because it’s so distorted I can’t tell if the noise in the background is music or the gentle purr of a hydraulic-powered assfucking machine being overworked… lube it, boys, lube it! They enter the studio sometime this year to record their debut full length, and all I can say is I’m already laughing in advance. I think a good title for that release would be "Here Comes The Cockboat!" Silly faggots.

Written By: Teufel