Teufel's Tomb » Goth Metal

Goth Metal

  • Gothic Sex “Laments”

    Could someone please find Dave Rotten and ask him what he smokes before signing a band like this and send me one HUGE dose of the stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I am open minded about music, I am even able to suppress my laughter when I see grown men dressed up like they’re [...]
    http://www.teufelstomb.com/reviews/gothicsex-laments/

  • Dope Stars Inc “10,000 Watts (Special DJ Edition)”

    I’m going to fucking find the grave of the asshole that came up with "Never judge a book by its cover," I’m going to exhume his body, and I’m going to skull-fuck his God damn rotted eye-socket with a hard, erect whale cock. Sure, there’s occasionally some truth to the idea, but it’s so inconsistent [...]
    http://www.teufelstomb.com/reviews/dopestarsinc-10000wattsspecialdjedition/

  • Cradle Of Filth “Nymphetamine”

    I can honestly say, before today I’d never bothered listening to a single Cradle Of Filth song from any of their previous albums. Perhaps I’m a bit pre-judgmental, but, just by looking at the album covers, with the gothic imagery and rather homely looking women, I pretty much figured that Cradle Of Filth just [...]
    http://www.teufelstomb.com/reviews/cradleoffilth-nymphetamine/

  • Cradle Of Filth “Midian”

    These gayass cock-guzzling faggot-bitches are just that. Am I a heterosexist homophobe? Or am I a misanthropic neo-pagan purist-realist national socialist-satanist who has a preoccupation for kicking peoples’ asses and drawing butterfly knives and loaded firearms at parties and in crowded restaurants like Dead had for razorblades and bondage-torture snuff films? You decide. [...]
    http://www.teufelstomb.com/reviews/cradleoffilth-midian/

  • Cradle Of Filth “Cruelty And The Beast”

    This CD is horrible. I won’t even waste my time. If you buy this and enjoy it you are more than likely a fucking fag, so there is no reason to try to insult you.
    http://www.teufelstomb.com/reviews/cradleoffilth-crueltyandthebeast/

  • Cradle Of Filth “Bitter Suites To Succubi”

    Androgynous fag-rockers churn out more commercial urine, satiating the thirsts of all queer golden showerers everywhere. This time they recycle crap from their gay heyday, coupled with some new unoriginal crap and a cover of "No Time To Imbibe Seamen" by those blisteringly intense noise mavens Sisters Of Mercy — cementing their names in [...]
    http://www.teufelstomb.com/reviews/cradleoffilth-bittersuitestosuccubi/

  • Darkseed “Diving Into Darkness”

    When I first put this album into my CD player and heard the music eminating from my stereo the first thing that popped into my mind is "what the fuck is this?". Rather than take it out of my stereo I let the CD spin a few times and gave it a thorough listen. [...]
    http://www.teufelstomb.com/reviews/darkseed-divingintodarkness/

  • Zymosis “Disharmonical Symphony Of Black Dimensions”

    An unexpected big fat wet fart rippling through someone’s butt cheeks in a public place makes me laugh hard. Watching someone do something incredibly stupid and getting hurt in the process will get me laughing so hard I have trouble breathing. Watching a man run down the street wearing nothing but an athletic [...]
    http://www.teufelstomb.com/reviews/zymosis-disharmonicalsymphonyofblackdimensions/

  • Ancient “Mad Grandiose Bloodfiends”

    The follow-up to the "critically acclaimed" The Cainian Chronicle entitled Mad Grandiose Bloodfiends, is fourteen tracks of sub-par "black metal". Their bio claims, and I quote, "When one listens to Ancient’s Mad Grandiose Bloodfiends they will find themselves enveloped in a spine tingling journey through the minds of the very unique individuals that make [...]
    http://www.teufelstomb.com/reviews/ancient-madgrandiosebloodfiends/